My Family....?
By SpitFire179
@SpitFire179 (2536)
Canada
January 3, 2007 5:35am CST
Well here's the thing.. My family and i aren't close...
My mother and i used to be best friends, But after i moved out i realized that it was because i was taking care of everything for her. My mother never used to come out of her room, and my father had a lot to do with that, he never left either... From about 4 years old i was forced to learn to cook and clean and be a mother to other children. I have 5 younger brothers and sisters, and i had to learn as i grew to raise them up right. The day i moved out to move in with my boyfriend (Now husband) She started asking me to come over and help her cook and clean, or help with something for the kids. I thought okay, sure, and for a while did it... Then she started asking me for money.... I gave her what i could... Then there came a point where she ran me dry and i could barely afford to go see her, let alone anything else. Well, she started calling me selfish, stopped calling, and began telling the kids i didn't love them anymore.
I told her i was getting married, this was about a year after her and my fathers divorce, she told me to wait until she had a boyfriend. I told her that i wasn't going to stop something so important or move it to another date just for her happiness, because this was my thing, and she got mad, frantic and called me a whole bunch of names, and once again selfish. When it came time for the wedding she wouldn't allow my brothers and sisters to come, telling them i was horrible, and they shouldn't have anything to do with me, Not caring about how they felt.
Now, she won't answer my calls, nor call me back unless she wants something, and if i can't give it to her when she does call, i have totally earned my name as selfish.
I have put more money and time into her her home and kids in my life than i have into my own home self and husband. I feel like i wish i could talk to my mom like i used to but now she won't talk to me about anything unless i do something for her. I wish she could give me a little recognition, a little love, now she tells me she's trying to be a better mother, and giving the kids all the time and energy she can.... Why does that not include me if i'm not giving her anything but my own love? I've shown her more times than i can count how much she means to me, and i can't even get a phone call on my birthday...
I guess i just don't know what to do or think... Am i not one of her children? Did i do something wrong? Am i really selfish? No, I don't need my mommy. But i do need her to show me that she loves me for me... And i'm thinking about just giving up on calling her, and just talk to the kids.. I don't know what to do otherwise... Any ideas? Thoughts?
Any would be nice. Thanks
2 people like this
3 responses
@Saskmommy (55)
• Canada
29 Mar 07
I can kinda relate to this because my Mom and I dont have a super close relationship.... Sometimes, I feel like that is all my Mom wants from me as well. I have learnt that I cannot live my life stressed out about the situation.. I need to live for me, and I cant let that affect my life or the way I choose to live it. If she wants to be a part of your life, then let her make the effort. If she doesnt, then it is her loss and not yours. Stop worrying about her, and her own selfishness.. She needs to grow up, pull up the parenting panties, and quit trying to run your life or make you feel quilty on how you live your life. Worry about what is best for you, your hubby, and your home.
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
29 Mar 07
your a sweety, and i do know what your going through, it's pretty well the same in most ways... who knows, maybe we can stand together in an alyance of mothers treating daughters like crap :P
Thanks hun.
1 person likes this
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Being a mother of two grown children it is hard to hear this pain that you feel for your Mother. I cannot relate to her and know how you feel the pain of not being able to talk to your Mother. My Mother and I had problems very early on my leaving home, she never was proud of anything I did unless it was to get married to someone, for someone reason she thought that solved all life's problems. Well needless to say after 2 failed marriages and scared stiff to do it again I was not her favorite child, in fact, most times I would be yelled at to get married, even if I was not dating anyone special in my life. As all things must come to an end, my Mother passed away almost 2 years ago and as I felt still angry at me for not being married, I have tons of guilt because of this but am hoping someday that I will be able to say her name without a tear. Blessed be your Mother, although she may not be your Best Friend or someone you want to have in your life on a daily basis, but she did bring you into this world and she will only be the ONLY Mother you will have the rest of your life. You may be angry at her and she may be angry at you but someday I hope that the both of you can forgive each other and be able to come to some compromise otherwise you will live with the guilt that I feel on a daily basis when she is gone. I wish you the best my friend.
2 people like this
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
29 Mar 07
It's hard when your parents stear you in the wrong direction, my mom didn't want me to get married, because she told me i would make the same mistakes she did...
I tried to explain to her that i wasn't her, and my soon to be husband at the time, wasn't my father, or any other man she dated for that matter...
She went from loving to disliking him strongly in one instant, suddenly, she loves him again... I'm confused :P
But the thing is, finally she undestands that I got married to him, because i felt it was right, no jitters, no nerves, only me running down the isle because i wanted to stand next to him the rest of my life...
That was kinda messed up haha, everyone was screaming at me to slow down :P:P
my mom and i are trying to work things out. I hope that one day we can say that we're close again, but she needs to try, because i'm not doing all the hard work and heavy lifting with this anymore.
Thanks hun.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
29 Mar 07
I noticed you started this discussion a while ago, and I hope by now things have gotten a little better. It sounds like your mom may suffer from mental illness. My mom has a chemical imbalance, and life with her can be pretty rough. My oldest daughter is spending a few days with her and I can only imagine what I will have to hear from my mom when she comes home. When I was growing up my mom was very distant one day, a raving lunatic the next, and loving the day after that. To this day I still don't know what sets her off. She was never involved with anything that had to do with me when I was growing up, and took every opportunity she could to "slam" me. We have an okay relationship now, but it took many years. I finally just started seeing her for what she is, and turning the other cheek when she starts her tirades. If I were you I wouldn't turn your back on her, but I'd make it clear that her behavior has been hurtful, and you're an adult now and trying to live your own life. It;s not up to you to support her financially. Keep in touch with your siblings, and let them know that regardless of what your mom says you do love them, and want nothing but the best for them. It sounds like she is the one being selfish, and hopefully one day she will realize it. take comfort in knowing that despite what she put you through you grew up to be the bigger and better person. I hope this was of some help Spitfire, and wish you the best! :)
1 person likes this
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
29 Mar 07
yeah my mother does have mental issues, she's got clinical depression (Same as me) an anxiety disorder (Same as me once again) and then also Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I understand all of these effect who she is, and i always have... but it's only caused a problem in our relationship when i couldn't take care of her, the family, or her life.
I have told her how i feel, and it makes it worse, usually she tells me she doesn't need me in her life and we don't talk for a long time.
My mother and i just started talking again for the first time since christmas day, actually 2 days ago, but we're a long way from fixing anything, because there's too much left unsaid... but i'm leaving it as is for now..
Thanks hun.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
29 Mar 07
No Spitfire...THANK YOU! you always seem to come up with very intelligent discussions, and I can relate to alot of what you go through. It makes me feel good to know I'm not hte only one out there with these issues. :)
