Honest Advice for Britney

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Dear Britney: Okay, so the gossips are saying you went right to rehab in Arizona after Pure on New Year's Eve. Here is how Robin Leach's blog described your final Vegas moment since you probably don't remember: "27 members of her entourage, plus 12 security staff....cover Britney in a blanket-scarf so she couldn't be seen when they rushed her out of the club in the ensuing panic after she fell." Couldn't see and couldn't be seen. Must be proud! What are you doing with more people in your entourage than a public school homeroom? It doesn't really matter if you were paid $50,000 or $300,000 to be at Pure, you'll agree you weren't being a very professional Mouseketeer that night. Not to worry: Pure isn't complaining. They may have had the most profitable night in the history of nightclubs. According, to Norm some high roller paid $50,000 just to sit near you as you guzzled drinks. Your manager, of course, had to do what managers do, get laughed at by claiming you only fell asleep. But I bet he is paid well, too. In fact, watching you around Vegas, I bet most every single person you know is benefiting. And, let's face it, you suck at partying. Paris Hilton is a natural and you just can not keep up; you are a nouveau rich hayseed compared to a real wastrel and you are out of your league. At the very least you should stick to your own kind like Tara Reid. Let me clue you in on something else: everyone in Vegas is making money and press off your foolishness. It has been a bonanza for us ever since that first late night Vegas marriage and you girl are the gift who keeps on giving. It isn't right how we use you. We're sort of like your more recent husband that way, and it does not speak well of us. We should work on that. But that is our issue, and this note is for you. Have you considered going to South Africa and starting a school like Oprah? Maybe, you should even register for a couple classes there yourself. It's never too late for an education, Brit, and that is my point. The lesson here is obvious; I think it would be best for all if you stayed away from Las Vegas. Anyway, I thought I'd just leave you with this final bit of advice: Semper ubi sub ubi. Be well.