My friends pick favorites between my children...

I have always said that one of my first jobs and priorities in being a parent is that my children feel safe and protected by me ... this means physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I will put their needs before my friendships ... but I don't want to be hasty in making decisions. "I know some people are attracted to certain personalities...but these children are still developing and have not finished who they have become. And the expereinces they have now shape who they will become." This is very insightful and it is actually what concerns me the most. It's also evident to me that my children go through stages where they are very shy and connected to mom and dad and don't want the attention of others and times where they are very independant and want the acceptance of others outside of their family. I don't think that they should be "punished" by others for the times when they are shy or more reserved. The more that I think about this the more it concerns me.

Excellent! Because the more it concerns you, the more you will address it with your friends when it happens. :) And that is the key to getting through to them. Or...the frienship will not last. Let's put it this way. I too had a friend that did this. And I had to address it also. It was really hurting a couple of my childrens' feelings. And in the end, when I got the point across to her that she was hurting my children, we were no longer friends. It hurt me to loose a friendship...as I have very few. But I felt better knowing that I protected my children and they would no longer be subjected to the discrimination. :) I do hope that you do not have to loose your friendships. But if they are really your friends, they will see their errors because they value your friendship. :) I wish you the best!!! And hey, if we were friends and visited...I would never love more than the other. They would all be special in my eyes!!!! :)

You know what, I really believe that you wouldn't pick one over the other! And I really appreciate that about you! So let's be friends, whether you visit or not! :) I also think that part of that is because you do have so many children. One of my friends is single and doesn't have her own children and the other only has one child. I don't think they understand what they're doing.

Start addressing it each time it happens. They will get it that it is not okay. Not only will it hit them when they do it, but it will also show the kids that you are sticking up for them. Example: When she told the one child that she loved her and just said goodbye to the other child, I would have immediately said in front of her to my child, she loves you too...Right (insert name)? This is addressing something immediately that you have told her not to do. What will she do? Say, "No I don't right in front of the child?" I sure hope not!! Because at that point, my friendship with her would be over!!!

I don't know what to tell you about what you should say to them. I have told my friends that this hurts my feelings and that I don't want them to do it and it hasn't helped! I understand why it makes you mad!

hey i completely agree with you...tats the best way round...

It may be easier to play with certain aged kids more then another ... but to tell one child that you love her and barely choke out a goodbye to the other is not the same thing. I'm also talking about friends who around my children several times a week ... they are not just in and out a few times a year.

Sure it was cool for you, but what about your brothers. I bet if you weren't the favorite then you'd have a different opinion. I will say that it was nice of you to share with your brothers.

A few things stick out to me in this post ... I'm not sure, but you may have compared dogs to children?? I don't care if you pick a favorite pet, chances are that your dogs don't give a rip about your favorites ... because quite frankly they don't have feelings and won't develop self-esteem problems. Next, if you think that you will have favorites, perhaps you should think about how this will affect your other children. Do you have siblings? Did your parents pick favorites? What does that tell a child when their own parent loves their sibling more then themselves? And the oldest one is starting to catch on that she's not the "favorite" and it's only a matter of time before it will start to have an impact.

thanks for your response.

catbox, i disagree with what you're saying. their age doesn't matter in realizing certain things. of course they probably won't understand very much or remember anything until they're about 1 or 2. but anyway, they may be you but you never know what they're thinking. at a young age, children pick up a lot of things. they can sense when you're sad as well as when they're being neglected. kids can sense these negative vibes pointed at them so they could very well be affected, eventually scaring them for life just because you assume something. I don't have kids of my own but i feel this matter must be solved. btw, imadriscoll, even though you think that dogs don't have feelings, well they truly do. they can sense a lot of things. it's not right to say that animals do not have feelings when they truly do. sure their brains may not be as "advanced" as ours but they can sense a lot of things that we might not be able to sense. they can tell if they are neglected. they get happy when you come home so they jump up and down. if they didn't have feelings, how would you explain that type of reaction? when they get scared or angry, don't dogs bark? or do you think dogs bark for no reason whatsoever? i'm not trying to be mean, i'm just saying. i do agree that it's not absolutely correct for catbox0 to relate dogs with children because we are different in a lot of ways. ok now to the subject. i don't know how to help you but i understand how your child must feel. i was never the favorite. my sisters would always get what they wanted because they were younger but what i got was limited. i would always be the one yelled at, sometimes for no reason at all. i would always be compared to other people, like how they help out their parents when i'm lazying around and staying up late at night doing class projects even though i should let others do them, making me feel about myself. and everyone knows that's not a great feeling. for me, i would like to hear someone compliment me on things i do great. then i won't feel so bad. you should talk to your daughters about how people picking favorites hurts your feelings as well as others, but it's all part of life. you should tell them that it's ok that they're not always the favorite of someone because those people think differently. you should tell them that they shouldn't change teh way they are just so they will be someone's favorite. sometimes people like the younger ones better because they look cuter and they're easier to hold. i know i do that a lot too. but it's really wrong. so you said you talked to your friends about how you feel about them picking favorites and they didn't listen to you? well you might have to think twice about these friends. if they can't understand your point of view on this subject then maybe they shouldn't be someone you should be close to...or at least leave your children alone with. does any one of your friends like your oldest daughter? if no one does, then i think she should be treated a little special. you need to talk to her about "picking favorites." maybe if you tell her that she doesn't have to be someone's favorite to feel special, then she wouldn't feel as bad or neglected. tell her that you love her very much and she has many responsibilities that will make her special. tell her that her sisters will look up to her and she'll be their favorites. it doesn't matter that other people like her sisters more, as long as she has family that cares for her and let her know that. i feel happy even though i'm not the favorite person in my family because my sisters look up to me and they always talk to me when they have problems, so i feel special. i'm sorry if i repeated a lot of things, i tend to do that a lot when i'm trying to get a point across. and if you don't think your kids will understand some of the things i said or you don't think my advice will help you then i'm sorry that i wasted your time as well as the fact that i just couldn't help you. well i hope everything goes well. good luck!

They have flat out told me that one of the children are their favorite. Which I don't understand, but all the same, don't treat my other children in a manner where they realize that you have favorites.

THats sad but people's instinct.. Soemtimes they are not aware of this.. THey cuddle your kids and find each of them cute.. I just hope this will not affect the children.

I agree.