Jokes

I'm not good at telling jokes so you'll have to find someone else I guess.

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartander looks at him and noticed he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hei", he says, "What's with the steering wheel dow your pants?" "ACH", says the Irish man,"It's drivin' me nuts!"

In a ship three countrymen were leaving. They reached America and they dug a hole up there. The AMerican said "Ha we had telephony system from ages on. Next they travelled to Japan and they too boasted about their telephone systems. Next they reached India. They dug a hole 5 feet long and carried upto 25 feet. They found nothing. The Indian laughed at others saying, "See we had cellphone systems even by that time."

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am." The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Gifts One day The Lord spoke to Aadam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Aadam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new oragans for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eave. oamThe other organ I have for you is called a paenis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and 2007 populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to feb give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon hum Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." ** Small Compensation A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own 005 shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on 22 my shirt again. If the wife 21 finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the ba07 rtender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his ok wife feb jan about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds tjawo twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yea nh, he crapped in my pants, too.”

orah Scholar A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful feb engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and ok each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job 22 and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." ************ Whatcha Got There? An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says "What you gonna 105 do with that?" The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said. Hitman: where is the money? Accountant signs he does not know Brother: he said he does not know Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you! Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination. Hitman: what did he say? Brother: you don't have the balls!

A young couple was touring florida and stepped into one of the rattle snake farms theat lied in there way.. After seeing the sights they ingaged in small talks with the man that handled the snakes.. "Wow" exclaimed the wife.. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Dont you ever get bitten??" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well, what do you have to do when you get bitten by a snake??" "I always carry a razor shar knife in my pocket..if i am bitten i make a deep criss cross cut on the fang entry and suck out the poison.." "What uuh...what would happen if you accidentally sat on a rattler" "well maam that would be the day when i get to know who my actual friends are.."