at what point do you give in? speaking more along the lines of special need kids
By kittykatzz
@kittykatzz (1132)
United States
January 13, 2007 11:37am CST
when do you say "uncle"? i mean persistence is DEFINITELY one of my autistic son's strong points.. although it can fair him to concentrate on some things better and for longer than alot of others (sometimes as long as he has interest in the activity!) but when do you give in as a parent? my son yesterday morning while getting ready for school couldnt find his "record tape #7".. sounds a little weird i know, but what he does is record the few shows that he misses due to the bus coming a little earlier this year cuz he's in a different school from last year.. so he has his record tape (1 per month) and he reuses it ever schoolday.. so that he can whatch the rest of a program and the next one when he gets home.. now its almost ALWAYS easily accessible.. but friday morning we just couldnt find it.. and i know one might think "just use another".. but you dont understand i CANT be another (even if i could have found a blank spare in time!) he just kept saying it over and over and over.. "Andy's record tape # 7!" screaming it (as that what it is labelled on the tape) to the point that when his bus arrived he REFUSED to go. i mean i was trying to carry him out the door but he was just kicking and screaming, making a scene.. the busdriver looked horrified as my front door swung open (from the mudroom in the front) and when i seen her face i just let him go and waved to her and said "hes havin a rough morning! ill just drive him!" and thats what i did,.. i had to wake my hubby to find that tape to calm him down and then after about a half hour i drove him to school.. late of course!.lol.. but i just didnt see any other way! would you have done the same?? hubby was annoyed and said he would have made him go.. but i just couldnt stand the thought of what the other kids would think or say on the bus as i knew he wouldnt have stopped yelling about it just because he wasnt at home.. it IS a special needs bus, but still. i mean how productive at school could he have possible be, while being so worked up and stresssed out.. i tried explaining later that he's not doing it to be a "brat" rather that he's just SOO compelled that he NEEDS taht video as part of routine.. what do you think? you cant "reason" with him as you might a "typical" child .
2 people like this
14 responses
@cognigen (121)
• Mexico
13 Jan 07
Sometimes the worst possible thing you can do is to force an
autistic kid to do something they do not want to do. You clearly
did the right thing by giving in and taking the time to solve
his problem the way he wanted it solved.
Autistic kids live stressful lives, no matter how much we do to
try and comfort them. A change of routine can be devastating.
3 people like this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
13 Jan 07
thanks so much!.. i see that you understand my position completely!
1 person likes this
@Pekachu (1112)
• United States
13 Jan 07
I can totally relate my son is not autistic but has prader-willi syndrome and adha and ocd and dont dare change anything I am greatful sometimes that i live alone with him I actually think its easier to do it alone because i choose our battles carefully and let others go just to keep the peace where as i think a hubby would be harder on him
2 people like this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
14 Jan 07
honestly.. i love my Jim soo muchh.. but he drives me CRAZY!! especially when it comes to the kids!.. i swear, ive got 2 babies + one big one!~!. i mean hes even gone so far as to come into the room taht im in and say to me... "Jeannneeeeeeee Andy hit me!" .. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? its just crazy!.. i mean Andy ALOT of the time when he's in his room will jump,, and its right above "the adult's living room" (as opposed to the kids which is childproofed beyound imagination.. yet where i spend alot of my time!) but instead of going and telling him to stop, or even saying something to me like "please make him stop, i cant take it anymore" .. i suddenly hear RELENTLESS stomping on the floor from the living room as he's TRYING to make ME hear what he is!!!!!!!! i thinks its much more difficult somehow for him to "understand" the way Andy thinks.. alot of the time i find myself sayingto him "try to think of it the way he is right now" .. ill tell ya .. it does work sometimes!.. you should try with your hubby!!!
1 person likes this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
14 Jan 07
Yes, I can't tell you how many times my husband and I see differently when it comes to our son. I mean, I lose my cool.. but there are SOOOOO many times when my husband makes a situation so much worse. He might have no clue what is going on, and come in yelling and giving out discipline. Even if I've already dealt with whatever situation. It's so frustrating, I can't even tell you. It makes me mad even thinking about it.
2 people like this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
14 Jan 07
honestly.. i love my Jim soo muchh.. but he drives me CRAZY!! especially when it comes to the kids!.. i swear, ive got 2 babies + one big one!~!. i mean hes even gone so far as to come into the room taht im in and say to me... "Jeannneeeeeeee Andy hit me!" .. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? its just crazy!.. i mean Andy ALOT of the time when he's in his room will jump,, and its right above "the adult's living room" (as opposed to the kids which is childproofed beyound imagination.. yet where i spend alot of my time!) but instead of going and telling him to stop, or even saying something to me like "please make him stop, i cant take it anymore" .. i suddenly hear RELENTLESS stomping on the floor from the living room as he's TRYING to make ME hear what he is!!!!!!!! i thinks its much more difficult somehow for him to "understand" the way Andy thinks.. alot of the time i find myself sayingto him "try to think of it the way he is right now" .. ill tell ya .. it does work sometimes!.. you should try with your hubby!!!
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I completely agree with what you did. I teach an autistic child, and though I don't know how to handle every aspect of the disability, one thing I have learned is not to push them. I think you did the right thing just getting him to school late so the situation could have been handled before he got to school. If he would have gone to school upset, the day would have been a waste because he would have remained upset about the tape. I think you did the right thing, all the way.
2 people like this
@clownfish (3269)
• United States
14 Jan 07
Hi! You are completely right. My daughter goes to developmental preschool. If one of the children is upset or having a bad day, it affects the rest of the class. :-)
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@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
14 Jan 07
You know, some days I think my son is fine. I take him to his special preschool, and drop him off.. I pick him up only to hear from his teachers that he had a really bad day, and he didn't want to do anything the teachers said. Then some mornings he has a really crappy time before school, and they tell me he did very well. SIGH. I love my child, but I often feel badly for his teachers. That is probably wrong of me to say that, but my little boy just has his moments. He's the only kid both before and after class that I've seen have a meltdown, and flop himself down on the ground in front of everybody- and I can hear him scream down the hall as they take him off to class. People look at him like WTF, and I feel clueless sometimes as to what to do or say... Luckily, he has one teacher who seems to really know how to handle him. And oddly enough, I think she's his favorite teacher. they probably have their battles, but she'd probably go to the mat for him, too.
2 people like this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
14 Jan 07
Ugh, we have definitely been there, and our son is only 3. The thought of this getting worse.. or at least continuing for years to come.. isn't appealing. But I suppose that is what is par for the course, so we'll just deal with it as it comes. LOL
I have to ask, though. Do you notice, or have you noticed, that there have been times where/when your son has been just more emotionally charged than normal? For whatever reason, lately my son has been getting REALLY upset about EVERYTHING. I mean, almost every morning this week has been a challenge. I don't even know half the time what exactly it is that is upsetting him, but he will first be mad because the shirt he wants isn't clean... and then suddenly he's curled up in a ball in tears on the floor. The whole morning is ruined. Then, he is super affectionate. I mean he has to be right on top of me the whole day. If I'm on the couch, he's right there in my lap, he's stroking my cheeks, he's kissing me, he's like "awww, mommy!"... the whole 9 yards! Don't get me wrong- I LOVE that part. But the rest is really frustrating.
Yeah.. I had to take him to the dr's yesterday, and he was flipping out because he wanted a band-aid and they didn't need to give him one. So he threw himself down on the ground, and didn't want to leave, tried to lock us in the room, etc. It's those moments where I don't know whether or not to explain that he's special needs, or just get him the h#ll out of there. LOL
2 people like this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
14 Jan 07
yesterday we brought the kids to an arcade.. Andy absolutely loves it there.. but gets sooo upset at certain games.. the "candy crane" is one of them.. he got so upset when he "missed" (and its play till you win!but even though he kept going i still couldnt explain it to him!) that he wailed right there in front of everyone.. as if that wasnt bad enough after taking him over to calm him down to our "booth" to have pizza.. he started crying again when he saw another child playing the game and "missing" .. .. ive been through the "band aid"thing myself too!!.. heres a cute quickie for ya.. coupleyears back Andy injured his foot.. not too badly (no broken bones, no stitches!) but while at the hospital.. the WONDERFUL doctor ended up putting on a sock.. (since we had rushed to the hosspital without socks or shoes! (he couldnt walk on it) ANYWAYS .. he put a sock on the injured foot after bandaging it. but not on the other.. TILL THIS DAY. when in the house .. my son will wear only one sock ontaht foot!!!.. i cant even help but laugh anymore.. its too funny.. hes fine putting on the "other sock" to the "other foot" when its time to go anywhere.. but he walks around the house nearly 99% of the time with one sock on! ( i lose alot of socks!)
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I see alot of these things as I work with special education students.
I understand that he is autistic and par tof autism is some serious OCD.
YOu might start weaning him off that tape routine. ANYTHING that becomes a problem has to be eliminated! I assume that he understands some cause and effect. So you would begin the process by having some penalty for that tape not being where it should be EACH NIGHT BEFORE he goes to bed. Then you need to start changing the the amount of time he can watch the tape. Cut the time in increments that he might not notice. You do this so that you have a chance to see if he will react and at what point. If you can get him to the point where he only watches half the show one day and then the other half the next day, you are streamlining the morning.
Try replacing some of the morning routine with a little perk ..something that he is interested in, non-disruptive, and portable. I know one autistic child who gets to bring a balloon everyday. This was the way we weaned her from having to do something at home in the mornings, that would interfere with her getting on the bus. YOu need to make the morning routine focus on getting him out of the house, not him watching something he misses. He can adjust to change and need to start doing so right now.
This is something that takes alot of patience, thought, and stealth. Siince he gets so insistent, you have to try remove the thing he insists on and replace it with something more functional.
Good Luck!
@clownfish (3269)
• United States
14 Jan 07
Hi! I know your comments are meant to help, but with autistics, it is those routine things in their lives that give them order and meaning. Taking that tape away would be devastating to this child. Autistics are just not flexible enough in their thinking to allow substitutions, they must have the item they are fixated on. They don't understand things the way we do. Their brains are not "wired" the same way. While I know you meant to help, what you are suggesting would not help. It was cause big problems for this child.
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I just wanted to add another note: You can't punish an autistic child for being fixated on something. It's part of the disorder. That would be like punishing a blind child for not being able to read a street sign.
1 person likes this
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
13 Jan 07
Oh, I've SO been there. I would have done exactly what you did.
I'll share a similar story:
We were at a water park and it was nearing the end of the day. My son had done really well that day and had a lot of fun. Well, he knew it was soon time to go and he started to get a a little stressed. We sat down to let him calm down a little and he asked for a bottle of water. Well, being the end of the day, all the water machines were sold out. My husband went to every food vendor and they were all sold out as well. My son is sitting there saying over and over that he needs a bottle of water. My husband brought back a cup of water with ice in it that a vendor had given him, seeing how upset my son was getting---he refused it.
So, I asked hubby and my daughter to go get the car and I would try to get our son to the exit of the park. He got up and walked a few feet, then stood rooted to the spot, visibly upset and redfaced. About this time, a security guard came up and asked if I needed any help. I told him no, my son is just a little upset because it's time to go home. The guard backed off a few feet and then stood there watching us. No pressure--lol.
I finally told my son that I had to go to the bathroom and that I couldn't use the park bathrooms because they were all wet from the people on the water rides. At this point, he very grudgingly allowed me to push him all the way to the entrance (he's as big as me). The security guard followed us out and watched us get in the car. We then drove to the nearest gas station, got him a bottle of water and he was fine.
So, you can see, I can totally relate to your experiences. {{{hugs}}} for you.
2 people like this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
13 Jan 07
oh gosh.. how many times we've gone through similar public experiences!.. once when trying to leave "space center" (kiddie arcade) the security officer called the police on my husband while we we're literally having to "drag" my son out to the car, the cops showed up and thought he was "kidnapping"!! we were able to smooth everything over pretty quickly as that same guard had seen ME there for several hours with my child and i was able to "set the record straight" that he was in fact "DAD" lol..can laugh now, but withthe attention it caused it was no laughing matter at the time!
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@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
14 Jan 07
OMG are you guys serious?! That is scary. I mean, on the one hand, I guess at least people are concerned about your kids' safety, and making sure you're their parents.. but on the other hand, what a pain in the @ss!!
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
15 Jan 07
I think you did very well to get him to school at all!
Bong attends regular school and we only ever just get there. If he is really going for it and I know he will be awful all day if I send him I will take him most times, but occasionally if it is really bad I let him stay home.
It's different for me, I need them to see that he needs some more help. If his situation was being dealt with I'd have probably let him stay home. I think you are very brave not to give in to him, well done.
@clownfish (3269)
• United States
14 Jan 07
Hi! I would have done exactly what you did. You could have made him go to school anyway, but your child wouldn't have understood why, so how would that benefit him? The way his mind works, the only thing you could do was settle the issue at hand so he could move on mentally and emotionally. I have an autistic daughter - PDDNOS - and I've found that unless she understands what's happening and why, it's not worth it to force her. My daughter used to have terrible meltdowns, especially if we had to go to the store or if I just suggested getting out of the house on the spur of the moment. I didn't fight her, we just stayed home. Thankfully with the help of developmental preschool - and the grace of God - things with my daughter are much, much better. I agree that what you did was fine. :-)
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
15 Jan 07
My son is not autistic, but he does have CP and has sensory issues. I do believe that you di the right thing. The kids are on a schedule and a way of doing things and if something isn't right or routines change, it really messes them up. It seems like it is much harder to direct them away from something that they set their mind to. I don't think you would have been able to do anything that would have been as effective.
I don't have the right answer or solution for you. We can only do what we feel works with our kids. There just is no way of knowing if what we are doing is right. Wish I could be of more help. I do think you did the right thing.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
13 Jan 07
I read the responses, and it seems like we all agree, you did the right thing. Even the school and the driver agree. Sounds like the only dissenting voice is your husband. He probably hated being woke up. Hang in there, you are doing a good job. Lots of luck for the resto of the year. It sounds like when everything is in place you have done well dealing with a change that could have really rocked your son's boat every day, all year.
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@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
14 Jan 07
thank you very much for your response and your kind words!
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I believe if i was in your situation i would of done the same thing that you have done there is no sence in sending your child when he was so stressed out.i heard that special needs kids do need a routine and if the routine is broken then it tends to messup their whole day.
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
13 Jan 07
I don't know what to say, as im going through this myself... All I can say is *uber hugs* to you.
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