Abusive Marriage?

You are most definitely in an abusive relationship and you are most definitely exhibiting all of the signs of an abused person: self doubt, self blame, ambivalence, and wishful thinking that if YOU CHANGE, HE WILL CHANGE, and your marriage will be wonderful. Sweetie, this is not the case and it won't ever be. Verbally abusive people are successful in their ability to slowly and very carefully wear down our self esteem by blaming us for everything. The sun is not out, but it is your fault. He got a stain on his pants from eating a hot dog, but it's your fault that the laundry detergent didn't get it out because, well, YOU bought the wrong detergent. Your kids are screaming because you are a bad mother, and so on and on and on, until we actually begin to believe that yes, we are bad people, and yes, we are the cause of all of our marital problems. We think that if we fix ourselves (by wearing the clothes HE likes, putting on the makeup HE likes, or worse, by keeping our own mouths shut and our opinions to ourselves so we don't make him explode) that this will cure what ails the marriage. It won't. The problem is HIM because he has SERIOUS issues with his own self worth (I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't abused himself) and to mollify his own self hatred, he reduces YOU to feeling like YOU are worth nothing on this earth and offer nothing to anyone. He blames YOU because by doing so he absolutely does not have to take responsibility for HIS sickening actions, nor does he have to get off his butt and get to counseling to WORK ON HIS ISSUES. You buy into and believe his notions because his need to call you names, put you down and scream at you has dangerously LOWERED your self esteem. Of course it would. No normal person can withstand constant put downs and verbal assignations on who they are as a person. He has worn you down so much you've convinced yourself that all the things you haven't done (like getting a job, going back to school, losing weight etc) or the things you have (like nagging a little) are the root causes of your marital problems. You aren't the problem. He is. In all relationships we all are, to a degree, equal participants in what goes right and what goes wrong in our relationships. The problem with an abusive marriage is that there is a huge imbalance of power with one taking no responsibility for their contributions and the other being held responsible for everything. This is NOT NORMAL. No person can be held responsible for everything - both people are, but your husband can't handle that, so it is real easy for him to dump on you. He doesn't have the courage to face himself and grow up. He doesn't want to go to counseling sweetie because it will force him to look at himself, and he really doesn't want to. What you must do is go to counseling on YOUR OWN and get out of this marriage. It is not a healthy one, and it will get worse. Trust me, it will. So deal with it now - get out, work on healing yourself and have a healthy life for yourself and your kids. Life is too short to stay in something so unhealthy and staying there forever will guarantee a sad life for you. Do it for you and your kids.

it is very scary sometimes for a person to think about such a huge lifestyle change. You get used to being in a relationship and having a certain life, even if it is a very hard life. Often it is hard to strike out and make a tremendous change, no matter how much we know that we need to or should do it. Just take the example of how shy I have become. I knew all along that I could not live my entire life that way, that my family will not always be here to help me get through. But it was so hard to think about changing that it has taken to the point where I have gotten to where I cannot stand my current life anymore to even be able to seriously, seriously think about changing. Now I look around and wonder why I let myself wait this long. it is hard to be 31 and still living the lifestyle of someone younger, not knowing where I fit in, and sometimes I want to give up and I wonder why bother because it seems so bleak. But I know that I have to change, and I'd better do it soon because time is slipping away. I really hope that your friend will find the courage to leave her husband soon. I feel badly thinking for her in that situation, but I know how hard it can be to just up and change your entire life like that.

Well for one thing deep down she loves him and doesn't want to be alone. She is scared to start over again. You need to reasure her that you will help her in her time of need and be there for her. My sister is in a marriage sort of like this one. She is the one bringing in all the money and she has to pay all the bills even his and buy his stuff and he also cheats on her repeatedly she has told him to leave which he won't and threatened her and told her he'd make sure she'd lose her kids which is her life. And he is very controling he borrows money off people which she has to pay back and they fight all the time which isn't good for the kids and he won't let her leave wih all three kids at once unless he is with them. So she just can't just go and she doesn't know how to drive or anything so now she just deals with it lets everything slide he has physically abused her to on several ocassions mostly when she has told him she is getting a divorce. But still she stays she is scared I know. But I hope that one day she will get the strength to leave him for good.

She is very dependent on him, and has a low esteme of herself. She is not in love with him, but scared to be alone. It is common. I was there once too.

how could your friend maitain and manage such relationship for 3 years?? it's very terrible thing i think your friend is afraid to live alone.you should give him assurance that you are not alone!! better is that your friend should show some courage and find another mate who can understand her feelings!!

One of the biggest problem in a controlling abusive relationship is that two of the first things they those is their self esteem and then their loved ones. When you are in a situation where you have lost everything except for this other person they start to appear to be the only person "who cares" about you so you stick around.

There may be fear ,because after marriage a husband looks after wife,so if he leaves her out of the house,she would have no chance but go to her fathers house.Also there she couldnt stay long there again she has to come to husband house. the other reason may be her father did not give the specified amount as dowry before marriage

If she's in love with him than maybe that's why she can't bring herself to leave. I'm glad there's no kids involved. Maybe she is also scared of change, but if she has a job she should be fine, and with a caring friend like you she should make it through..:)

Fear, plain and simple. She's obviously afraid of her husband if she allows him to control her life that. If she's too afraid to tell him he needs to help out and get a job, there's not way she's brave enough to leave him.

I was in an abusive marriage for a little over a year and the only reason I didn't leave right away was because I was scared that if he found me he would kill me. You're friend's husband may not be physically abusive right now, but it's coming. I had to wait until he left for awhile and then called the cops to have them come get me; that's the only way I made it through. Tell your friend that I'll keep her in my prayers and if you'd like to add me as a friend, feel free; perhaps I can help when needed.

I think this is the right time to be a good friend by giving her some thoughtful advice. But first, ask yourself. Do you think she's not leaving him because she still loves him? Or do you think she does not love him but is afraid to leave him? If she still loves him, then advice her to have courage to speak with him. If she doesnt love him, then you have to tell her that she has to leave him.

im just wondering why she married him in the first place.. but there are many cases such as this is happening.. maybe because she is thinking that she love the man, and that she cannot live without him by her side.. if she is going to leave, who would take care of the man she had married and loved? thoughts like that.. but i believe she can do it if she really want to be free from sacrifice, too much sacrifice that is..

Very likely it is not knowing what she would do if not with him. It's a scarry world out there for some and no matter what thier situation it is better than the unknown. She needs your support. If she actaly leaves him there is no telling what he may do. He is the kind of man that could be physicaly abusive as well as mental. No woman deserves this kind of man. They are able to hide how they are so well before it is too late. But often we don't bother to look.

i feel sorry for her, she is in love i am sure, atleast most women claim to love those abusive men. i think she is just afraid to leave, but why?? why must women submit to men who treat them so badly??? i have no idea, i am one of the lucky ones with a great husband/father, every woman deserves a good man, and to be treated right.

I think this is a case of low esteem. She must think on some level she needs him or he is the best she can do. Or perhaps she is scared that he will attack her if she leaves. Question is is the farm her's or his'. If it is his she should just leave. She needs to move in with a relative or friend to help her stay away from him. She is already working and gets her own paycheck so it shouldn't be much of an issue to be out on her own. She needs a boost. Someone to help her so she feels more safe. Perhaps she doesn't like being alone. I personnally can not imagine putting up with a person like that, but many people feel it is better to be in a abusive relationship then no relationship at all. Take to her, tell her you will help her get out. Tell her that she is already capable of being on her own financially.

thats really sad.....she should be given freedom....ill treatment is crime

you should help her. ask her to stay with you. tell her if she still with her husband, she might get killed. she must do something to stop her husband. you could say to her this way, leave your husband just for a month, please, you will not loose anything. if she still with her husband, you should report to police.

There are women in this kind of difficult situation who still hesitates to leave. Because they feel scared of what will be out there, without the man. Getting used to a situation, will make someone skeptical of a sudden changes. She can be thinking that she can't have another man who will accept her or will have another love after this. Obviously time still didn't come for her to realize the difficulty of her situation. But sooner or later the reality will dawn into her. Don't worry as long as she's not beaten, it's not yet that bad, be there still as a friend that she can count on when the time will come for her to go out from her marriage.

It might be that your friend did not see it the way you saw it. I don't think is best for you to advice her to leave becuase she is grown, she knows what is best for her. If you persuade her to leave and she left later on things become worst with her than before, you are to be blame for her predicament.

Sometimes it is fear for your life , if he hits her ,then most likely he will try and kill her if she leaves , thats one of the things that could happen. Iam glad there is no children but still that will not stop him , she needs some one to back her up and help her or she will be in it for the long haul of it the rest of her life. Some time people don't try and help them selves , I feel for her but I hope she can get away from this guy .