poems from the heart

I wrote my first poem and would appreciate your opinion and advice please.

@WebMann (4731)

Canada

January 17, 2007 8:58am CST

I never claimed to be a poet and never really tried to write one until I saw a contest that said I could win cash so I reached back in my mind for something that might work and remember the year I lived on the streets of Toronto. I was just young, 15-16 but people weren't nice at all, without even knowing why. So please read my poem and give me your comments. I thank you and here it is: ---------------------------- What The Man I Did Not See Said To Me by WebMann I walk these streets both night and day I started like you but I've lost my way Don't turn away and just shake your head Thinking I'd probably be better off dead I too have those times I wish I were gone But something inside tells me to hold on I see from your eyes you don't understand Your heart grows cold as I reach out my hand What makes you hate me so deep in your soul I'm just a person that isn't quite whole You judge without knowing, with just one look I'm homeless and broke I'm not even a crook Please open your mind along with your heart Feed me today and you've done your part

6 people like this

18 responses

@ayeshachaudhry (18)

• Pakistan

18 Jan 07

Its a good poetry infact a good start from you:)... Showing your in depth love, care, heart felt feelings for someone:).. Keep it up dear:)

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Thank you that makes me feel good. :)

1 person likes this

• United States

26 Jan 07

That is a really good and deep poem. Do you have any other poems that you have written? Have you considered getting published? Keep it up!

2 people like this

@blackaquea (313)

• Philippines

18 Jan 07

i like the flow of rhyme in this poem. it could even sound like a rap to me.

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Thanks although I am not into rap I have learned to play guitar. Took it up at age 47 and was one of the best things I have done for myself. I am trying to put it to chords and having some fun with it.

1 person likes this

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@Nahara (1673)

• Israel

18 Jan 07

very beautiful and emotional, way to go I loved it, u'r talented cause writing is not so easy as it seems and there are people who can relate to your song easily that's the beauty of songwriting u can reach peoples heart, very nice :-)

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Well this is a nice response to wake up to, thanks.

1 person likes this

jeweledbluerose

@jeweledbluerose (3061)

• United States

18 Jan 07

I'd say for your first try it was darn right good. Two thumbs way up from me. Can really feel the emotion in it as well. It leaves me in awe just about.

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

thanks for the thumbs up.

1 person likes this

• United States

18 Jan 07

very good it pulls us into your life and emotions. Grace us with another one that comes from a joyous time.

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Well I will have to give that a try. :)

@mydogisdaisy (99)

• United States

18 Jan 07

WebMann, I think it is wonderful. It really pulls at your heart strings when your readin it. My only concern is the title, you need a short more precise title. Way to go!

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Thanks I appreciate the tip.

1 person likes this

@loved1 (5328)

• United States

23 Jan 07

You don't give yourself enough credit, my friend. You should take this newfound talent and run with it! I thought it was really great!

1 person likes this

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@loved1 (5328)

• United States

24 Jan 07

I'll bet that is how some of our greatest songs came to be.

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

23 Jan 07

Well thanks Loved1, I appreciate your comment. I am putting the poem to music and tonight we are having a guitar jam so I am going to show them the poem and see if they can help me with the music. It should be fun.

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@annettenasser (2992)

• Kuwait

26 Jan 07

that is very nice and simple you use two liner pattern of your poem, i myself compose my poem too and i have few poems that was publish to magazine here in my country which i earn money on it also, did you try to write poem and got published too?

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

27 Jan 07

Congratulations on having your poems published. I wrote the poem to enter in a contest but later heard the contest is basically a scam, but that's fine. I didn't know I could write, so that a learning experience.

@feralwoman (2199)

• Australia

17 Jan 07

Howdy WebMann - that was really good for a first poem sort of sad and touching. I do hope you win your competition. If you win, will you give some of the cash to the first homeless person you see for a feed? lol

2 people like this

@Wanderlaugh (1622)

• Australia

26 Jan 07

Suggestion on principle, Webmann- expand it a bit, when you do these poems. I sense that you've got a bit more there. Poetry is one of the kindest mediums to an added word or phrase, (even allowing for the meter of the poem) and you've obviously got something to say about that experience. The content's fine, direct and effective, and reminded me a bit of when I was that age.

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

26 Jan 07

Thanks for your response. And I have expanded the poem and I put it to music so I can play it on my guitar. I haven't had the nerve to put it in front of my guitar jammin' buddies yet. :)

@SingingPsycho (343)

• United States

17 Jan 07

It's deep WebMann. I didn't know ya had it in ya! I like it. Caring, compasionate ... and emotionally stirring. A right-kickaz poem for a first. I'm proud of you. So much for "old dogs/new tricks", eh? Good job.

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

17 Jan 07

thanks I didn't know I could even ryhme. Ha It made my wife cry and that made me feel good. That didn't sound right, but it was in a good way.

1 person likes this

• United States

26 Jan 07

Very, very nice. Your command of the pace and tempo is suberb; your rhyming is not contrived; and your knowledge of the subject matter is evident. (It really shows when people try to write about something they don't know anything about or haven't experienced.) Keep at the poetry. You've got the touch. (Be careful, though, as I'm afraid a lot of those poetry contests are rip-offs. Just don't do any that require you to pay money to enter or to buy a book that has your poem in it.) Why don't you see if there's a creative poetry writing group in your area. You could meet with them regularly and really help each other develop your craft. (Believe me, you are good enough to jump right in.) And the moderators of those group sessions usually know about legitimate poetry contests that you can enter without getting taken.

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

27 Jan 07

I actually do a website for two poets but I think I would be a tadd shy to show them my poem. But I guess, no guts no glory as they say. Thanks ever so much for you comments. That means a lot to me.

@eltmin (143)

• Malaysia

18 Jan 07

Hi WebMann, Sounds a bit sad, and depressed to me. Does this man that you did not see disappoint you? What is your expectation of this man? I am not sure how should I comment, but it seems that you have a story to tell in this poem of yours and I am interested to know more if you are willing to share...just my 2 cents of thought.

2 people like this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

18 Jan 07

Thanks for your comments.

1 person likes this

@sundar6873 (62)

• United Arab Emirates

27 Jan 07

you have a very good talent...please develop that....given a good try....sounds nice....keep it up....best of luck...Good day...

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

16 Feb 07

Thank you I appreciate that. :)

@sreedhar (576)

• India

22 Jan 07

Crangats for such a nice poem in the very first go. Your poem is really heart touching and will readily bring tears into anyones eyes. Betterluck for your competition but my sincere request to you is that you please keep writing poems, as you seem to be very talented. Atleast write them for the writing sake. I too sugest that it would be better if the title of the poem is a bit short and sweet.

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

22 Jan 07

Thanks I appreciate your kind words. I am trying to put the poem to music because we play guitar every week and I have not shown my friends the poem yet and when I do I want to play it for them. As for the title it was a last minute thing because they asked me for a title when I entered it into the contest. :) I will work on a better one. thanks.

@samvedana (59)

• United States

25 Jan 07

Thats an excellent start. Keep the good work going. Good Luck!

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

15 Feb 07

Thank you I appreciate that.

@shivka (110)

• India

24 Jan 07

i think your poem is nice..it's heart felt..genuine and individualistic yet it seems to the reader as an appeal to act more humanly to mankind...it voices renaissance feelings of humanisation of all individuals on the face of the earth..congrats!!! nice...

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

26 Jan 07

thank you for your comments. I appreciate them. :)

@Litwriter21 (45)

• United States

24 Jan 07

Your poem is outstanding! The format of your poem is concise, 9sylabbles per line in almost each line. There is a good amount of rhyme and the theme is superb. I would like to come back later on after my reading and give you a more in-depth critique, okay. Writers-write from their minds, Poets-Write from their soul A new writer/unpublished-writes with everything that is apart of them, in search of a book to call their very own. I am starting a new writing web site at the present time, however I am not a professional poet, and I have taken many classes. Education helps but it does not make good poetry, it is in you, your heart your soul your words come first from what you care about, the rest is just revision and anyone can do that. Keep writing, Just tell yourself, "I am a poet" Kat:)

1 person likes this

@WebMann (4731)

• Canada

24 Jan 07

Wow thanks LitWriter. 9 sylabbles per line, never heard that before. You will have to private message me you have your website ready. Thanks for your great comments.