Family relationship
By CatEyes
@CatEyes (2448)
United States
January 18, 2007 5:32am CST
OK I need some advice from you friends. This may be drawn out but I need to get it out and have a opinion or 2.
My mother has always been sick for as long as I can remember and as a result I took care of her (held her when she had night mares at age 10 etc). She had horrible migrains and would stay in bed all of the time growing up. As a result of this I had to take care of every thing including the 2 younger kids. She was always trying to get pregnant, but no one wanted her to. So she finnaly has one, but she gets "sicker" at this time I am 15, trying to get a job and finish with school. I have to take care of the new baby, the house work school (home school) and her etc. I always took up for her when other family members said neg. things about her, but I fealt a bit used at the same time too. She promised (her and my dad) that they would help with college, I would not have to pay for rent etc as long as I helped them right now. So I did. I also grad. early at the age of 16.5 and wanted to go to college. They said they did not have the money. Ok I kinda figured that, but then they would not sign the release form or the pell grant form, take me to get my licence, charged me rent 400 a month and I still did all that I was doing before. At this point I was dating my husband to be, and he did not like it at all (duh). I tried to tell him, I need to save up money first before I move out. Well at 17 my mother has another kid, so I have to take care of the first and the second youngest children now ontop of everything else. I have 4 other brothers who could help with the load, but they won't. It just goes on and on. She hate my bf now hubby, now my hubby and her are mortal enemies. She called the cops on him for supposedly trying to hit me (did not even come close). When I was preg I had a lot of prob so I agreed to stay with her (my hubby and discussed this and agreed on it), and as soon as I got there she wanted me to serve her again, and sd that I need to divorce him. Well it got to the point where she told me to leave if I was not going to leave him and told the 2 kids I practicly raised that I did not love them and that I was leaving for ever. Not right. I was on bed rest, threatning to misscary and she did not care. So I did not see her for a year. then after my son was about 6 months I got back intouch and the whole thing happened again; she wanted me to come live with her, leave my husband because he was controlling etc. so it got worse and I left a 2nd time for another 1.5 get back in contact, my sister in law says she has lyme (which I have too with a lot of complications), and thats why she acts the way she does, and she has gottent worse. Well her migrains went away, but now she has rhumatoid artheritis that makes it hard for her to get around. The kids are still young 8 and 10 so she wanted me to take care of them even though I have my own stuff to deal with. I get guilt trips all of the time from my father and my mother for not being a good child. I don't know what to do. Should I write her off? Or should I just deal with it. She is very manipulating and plays on my fear of them dying and hurting. She says that I am not as good a mother as she is due to the "fact" that she loves her kids more and shows them more than I do my son. My husband is not allowed to see them, and he does not want to. He would prefer I just never see them again. There has been so much turmoil because of her, and I just don't have the energy to help her any more. She also wants me to start this business with her and keeps getting on my case about it. I told her no and the reason being she blew 15k she got when my grandfather died (which I took care of for when I got back in the picture until he died so that she did not have to do it, I was there very day), she blew the money in less than a month. Now she will have to sell her house and move into the RV they have becuase they are so behind on things. And she blaims it on me for not doing the business with her. They have been in that house for over 20 yrs and still do not have it paid off (they bought it for 42k and the bill was less than 400 a month) My dad makes over 50k a yr, so I just don't get it. What would you do?
5 people like this
32 responses
@aryangentleman (1122)
• India
18 Jan 07
I read yours post with heavy heart and frankly its a tough one to give a straight reply to you. The worst thing one can do is to neglect their parents and after reading all this I am now sure that exception are there too. If you walk off from their life, I dont think, either you or any one can blame it on you. How one can be that selfish and manipulating? Destroying the life of their own daughter purposely over the years and never looking beyond to their own selfish inerest. Woman walk over them and start a fresh life, its not to late. By best wishes for you and dont worry what other will think about it.
1 person likes this
@aryangentleman (1122)
• India
18 Jan 07
No need to thank me Lady you have already suffered enough. And let other go to hell if they think you are horrible, you have lived in hell and those who will be saying dosent have any clue what hell is.
@Sarah1977 (495)
• United States
18 Jan 07
I agree with you aryangentleman. I read her complete story, and I was absolutely appalled that a mother could treat her own child like a slave. You answered her beautifully, and I couldn't have said it better myself.
@vkbllm (474)
• India
18 Jan 07
hi
I read Patiently your whole story. No doubt I fell in respect for you and very angry on ur parents! How could our prent behave like this??? Are they nuts/?
You have done a lot for them, now i sugest you, LEAVE THEM AT ONCE! just fforget u had parents any dat! Your hubby is a nice man just stic i him!
1 person likes this
@maverickden (274)
• India
19 Jan 07
frankly speaking i haven't read the entire story..
however, i just read this response which advised you to leave your parents at once..
let me tell you one thing..
life is verry beautiful, and do not ever forget whose given you that life..
i will not tell you what your decision should be..
i can only advise you that before you take that decision think for a minute (for an hour really since this will not be easy) as to who has given you this life and how many people would benefit from your decision and base your decision around it..
and believe me if you do this.. your decision would be correct and well thought of..
and thank you for reading this long post..
take care..
;-)
@magikrose (5429)
• United States
19 Jan 07
My heart goes out to you. You have not had a real childhood. Honestly you really need to put your foot down with your mother and tell her that you have a life of your own to live and you need to live it. She needs to learn to let go.
I wish you the best of luck.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Thank you, that is what my husband says. I have done this recently (when I found out she spent the 15k on bs and not her bills) that I could not be at her beck and call; I have a family of my own. Her response was; we are your family too, and it says in the bible to obey thy mother and thy father. I told her that the bible also says that A man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. She justs spouts off more things that I refuse to put here, but needles to say the guilt trips are pretty intense. She knows how to use it to her advantage I think, and I have only recently begun to "see" her for what she is. My husband says she does not love me, but I think she does.
@tamra2 (259)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Oh sweetie, I was almost to tears reading this.
No matter how much it hurts you, you have to accept the reality. Your mother is a user, and you are her victim of choice. Nothing you do will ever change it, and nothing you do will ever be quite enough for her.
You are a mother yourself now, with a family of your own. It seems that you have somehow reached adulthood without being infected by the poison that surrounded your childhood, and came out with your kind and loving nature intact. It is that very nature that the predators (such as your mother) seek out to use and manipulate. You have to walk away. For your own sake and the sake of your child, you have to separate from that disease.
Yes, you have 2 younger siblings that feel like your own children. You can't use them as a reason to stay involved. They are another reason why you must distance yourself. What she has done to you, she will do to them. You can't stop it. But, you can be there for them when they reach the point that they need help and need to get away.
I hope everything works out for you.
@lucy02 (5015)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I believe in forgiving but sometimes you have to forgive and then walk away. I think this may be one of those times. I would limit my contact with these people as much as possible. You have a husband and a child and they must come first. Does your mom have mental problems? It sounds like she almost has to.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I think she is, and that is the crux of the problem. She told me once that the doctor said she was bipolar adn had chronic depression. She has been on and off anit depres. as long as I remember, but as soon as she feels good she stops to have a nother child. I have begged her to ge back on one, becuase she says things like "if you don't stay here and help me, i will just give up and die." I don't think that is normal in any text book you look in. This is why it is so hard for me to "cut her out of my life" My husband is not a saint, and has his MAJOR issues he has inherrited from his father. I won't go into it, but it's not too good.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I think she is, and that is the crux of the problem. She told me once that the doctor said she was bipolar adn had chronic depression. She has been on and off anit depres. as long as I remember, but as soon as she feels good she stops to have a nother child. I have begged her to ge back on one, becuase she says things like "if you don't stay here and help me, i will just give up and die." I don't think that is normal in any text book you look in. This is why it is so hard for me to "cut her out of my life" My husband is not a saint, and has his MAJOR issues he has inherrited from his father. I won't go into it, but it's not too good.
@tgfloresca (14)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
I agree with the others. I think you and your new family should live some place far from your mother. You have your own life to live, girl, and your mother should realize that by now. Sometimes living apart makes wonders on wounded relationships.
1 person likes this
@melody1011 (1663)
• India
19 Jan 07
You dont need to feel bad about what is happening and dont ever think you might be a bad parent. Your parents make unreasonable demands on you and no one not even your parents should do somehting like this. I guess, i would keep in touch with my parents via the phone and check on them time and again but I would not move in with them. You have a fantastic husband and dont ever let him go or let him leave. If your parents continue to lament about how bad you are as a daughter stop calling them. You can always find out how they are by getting in touch with your younger siblings. But dont feel guilty. YOu have done enough.
@maverickden (274)
• India
19 Jan 07
boy now i have read th entire thing..
you have done a lot.. however at times a lot is not enough..
do whatever you can and leave the rest to the almighty..
you should think about you your husband and your parents and their children before you take any decision..
take care..
;-)
@raenie (705)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
First of all, hats off to you (& your husband) for dealing with all of this. After reading you post, one can't help but be grateful for their parents (I know I am). I am not an expert at this but based from what you said in your story, your mother is sure one heck of a manipulator...and maybe, it is about time that you distance yourself from her & your dad. believe me, this is hard for me to say, especially considering that I still live with my parents, but maybe keeping your distance will do you both good (you did mention that you did that before & from what i understand that point in your life didn't hold as much grief)...
just a suggestion, maybe you could write her a letter, explaining everything & of why you need this break from her (her being a mother should find it in her heart to understand you) & also her saying that you are not a good mother is SO NOT TRUE. Based from your story, you are MUCH, MUCH better than she is, or ever will be (sorry if I brought her down). Maybe after the distance, she will find it in herself to realize that she is waaaay wrong about this overall. And if you feel guilty of not supporting her & have the means to do so, maybe you can send her money on a monthly basis (though I am also wondering with you on why there are in debt despite your father's earnings?). I know that money shouldn't be an issue, but maybe sending her money would also help at least in some way, & at least you know that you are also doing your part.
Most of all, PRAY. Just pray for your mother, that she realize how much she has put you & your family through. Prayer can really do wonders, even if not immediately tangible, but something which seems so simple (&yet not) as inner peace can be achieved by prayer.
Am praying for you, God bless your family!=)
@kaspyv (1011)
• United States
19 Jan 07
i understand how you must feel...and you have every right to feel that way. as much as we would like to help our family out ..there comes a time, like this, when tough love is the only way. sometimes parents as well as children need to be left to face their responsibilities on their own. your life is only going to be what you make of it and so is their's...you have to deal with your own hardships and so should they. you say your siblings won't help them....there must be a reason for that..maybe they too, know how your life has been affected by the actions of your parents and they know it isn't right. i'm sure they don't want or need these problems in their lives either. you have suffered enough its time to make your parents "grow up" and show some responsibility. you have done your best to help them so you have NOTHING to feel guilty about ..you have a family of your own to take care of, so concentrate on them.
@incomes1987 (156)
• Nicaragua
19 Jan 07
Oh my God. It is hard situation.
I really congratulates you to support her whenever you could. You have a big hearth. God will bless you.
I don't see anything bad with what you do and have done all this time. She should appreciate all what you ahve done for her.
So please, i know it is a shame, but, this time, you must make what you think it's the correct. Do not help her. I know it is hard, but maybe it's the only way she can understand.
I wish you the best and God Bless you
@samraf (725)
• India
19 Jan 07
i think you did great job for ur family and every one around you and i really appreciate that but i want you to not sit silent and let it happen wht they want to, try tocome fwd and grab your share if they are willing to sell the home which is also your home too. talk to your father about it tell him what you have done for this family and from which age you have started , i think he would not be that much selfish the way your mother is. ALL THE BEST for your future
@mydogisdaisy (99)
• United States
19 Jan 07
If your story is true and not one sided, then I would say you need to sever ties with your mother. I would send her a Christmas card with updates, but nothing else. However before making the decision final write he a letter and explain how you feel. If nothing changes, sever the ties. You are an adult now with a family of your own. If your mother is toxic, then you need to do what is best for yourself and your family.
HTH
Crystal
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
19 Jan 07
NO it's not one sided. My hubby, and the rest of my family would have put a lot more in there (I left out the realy bad stuff). Like she allowed my eldest half brother who molested me when I was 6 (for a long time) live with us. I told her I could not handle it, she sd he needed a place to stay. So I left and found a apatment for cheap. I was a utter mess, I had so many panic attacks you would not believe it. And she said I caused her to have them. I love her dealy, but I realy don't want to see her hurting. I think she just uses what she can to get what she wants/needs and most of it is with guilt for me.
@hunny2pooh (35)
• United States
19 Jan 07
It's very sad that parents will do there best to make there children feell like everything they've done wrong is the childs fault. When you married your husband that became you new family and if she's giving you that much stress you need to move on weith that family. yet i'm sure leqaaving your brothers and sisters behind wouldn't be easy either.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
19 Jan 07
No, it's not easy. She told me the last time I left that my brother broke out in hives and was so sick because of me. Perhaps he was; it was my fault for leaving. I don't want to have to worry about them, but I do all of the time. It never stops. I wake up and worry whether or not she has electricty (she "forgets to pay the bills and asks her kids to pay for it, which we do") or the gas or if she has enough for food. I go over there to do major cleaning and to help with other things, but the other kids don't want to have anything to do with her.
@moneymind (10510)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
good child you are, i think it is about time that you will also concentrate on your own family. i do not really know how good your husband is but i think it is about time that you live your own life with him, make or start your own family live away from your parents. just visit them every now and then. god bless. greetings. : )
@shooie (4984)
• United States
19 Jan 07
You are married now and have a family of your own is time to move on. It doesn't mean you love your family any less but you have put your life on hold long enough. It's called tough love. How much do you expect your husband to take? I know I would have to walk away if my spouse neglected her own kids and spouse. You gave your childhood up hun they can't expect for you to give your adult life to. Your mom and dads prolems are not yours. They could of paid their house off with what your dad is bringing home but didn't or haven't and you don't know where the money is going so focus on you own family and let your mom deal with the mess she has. It is time you are happy. Don;t feel quilty ever.
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
19 Jan 07
It sounds to me like you have done all that you can do for your parents. There is a time in our lifes when we have to realise that if we have not suceeded with them yet we will not ever. I think that it is time that you go on with your life without your parents. If they should ever question you as to why then you should tell them every little detail like you have told all of us here. I also think that if she needs your help with her children then I would tell her that you would take them into your home but that is it, that her and your dad are not welcome. There is no more reason for you to endure anymore pain from the two people. You have a family to focus on and can not do it if you are trying to keep them happy. Good luck and you are a wonderful person do not let them make you feel differently.
@moneymaka (492)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I actually read the whole thing, paying rent plus taking care of your mom,
Why didnt you just take her buisness offer, you probly could be making alot of money by now.
@charmz07 (85)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
What a horrible life you got girl. I felt sorry for such things happened to you. I couldn't imagine myself being treated that way with my own parent. As i am reading thoroughly your posts, my heart break and felt hatred.
You better be focused on yourself. You have your family now and your attention is to be on your role as a mother and a wife. Get out from your shell and move on! God bless!
