How can I forgive my husbands family?
By gypsylady28
@gypsylady28 (945)
United States
January 18, 2007 2:42pm CST
To start this out, I have to say that 2006 was a bad year. I have always led a pretty normal life (in other words, boring) with no great excitement or soap opera drama. In 2006 we have had to deal with a crazy lady stalking my husband, my father being sick, and finding out that my husbands father had molested my stepdaughter. This was a man I thought of as my own father. After finding this out, I also found out that some of the older members of my husband's family knew he had done this before (1969) and never said anything. My husband was 2 yrs. old at that time, and did not know why his mother had divorced his father. He never saw his father again until he was 17. We found out that his father had only served about 3 months in prison. I can't believe, when his family knew we lived near his dad, that not one ever called and warned us about his past. Why couldn't his mom or one of his older sisters call and tell us this? I find it hard to forgive them for their silence. Me and my stepdaughter have a rocky relationship as it is, even though I have been the only mom she has known since she was 4. (She has only seen her real mom 2 times since she was 2 yrs. old.) Why do people stay silent about this subject!!!! I think this is why our children don't speak up and why they feel ashamed when this happens to them. I can't seem to get over the anger and forgive his family. They not only hurt our daughter with their silence, but they hurt their son/brother also.
15 people like this
51 responses
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
18 Jan 07
I am trying to figure out WHY you feel the need to forgive?
What they did was horrible and stupid. I know that those whoare horrible and stupid with me and my safety don't get a pinch of forgiveness.
Your relationship with your step daughter is GOING to be rocky. YOu are the prime female parent, the mom. Her mother is an accident of reproduction and really has nothing to do with bieng her real parent. Moms and duaghters have rocky relationships and that can usually be slleviated a little by being sure the father doesn't take a side and lets the two of you get through as you see fit.
Good Luck!
3 people like this
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
18 Jan 07
My husband is very good at not taking sides. Counselors have told us that things have changed drastically, people are more open with stuff today, and that most of the older generation were always told not to talk about bad stuff like that. I'm trying to tell all I can to speak up, maybe they can keep this from happening to someone elses child. I think the time to remain silent is over.
2 people like this
@soldenski (2503)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I was also taught not to say anything. I was not fully molested but he attempted to do something. I alway's ask my children, if anyone has ever touched them, even though they are hardly without me. I understand that sometime's it is at home they get molested, that's why I ask them.
1 person likes this
@nw1911guy (1131)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Some families still teach that you shouldn't talk about the bad things. As if it brings shame to the family. I've seen similar things happen and it's absolutely horrible. What it does do is create a very angry child, at least from what I have seen
1 person likes this
@nw1911guy (1131)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Don't hate them, cause that will just eat you up. But I see absolutely no reason whatsoever to forgive them. None.
2 people like this
@nicky35 (747)
•
20 Jan 07
oh thats awful you poor soul i bet you feel suffocated by it all,and that poor girl,youve been a mother to her for nearly her whole life and it was a secret she had to carry and you never knew.have you spoken to her about it or treated her any differently now you know?what i mean is does it explain why your relationship is rocky,could it be because she has issues?poor girl.my best friend was abused by her father and even though i found out and helped her the best i could she walked away from me for good because she didnt want to think about it and i think being around me just reminded her.good luck to you all.
1 person likes this
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
21 Jan 07
No, we haven't talked about what happened in to much detail yet, the couselors have said that is normal. I know he told her he would kill her and her dad if she told anyone, that is why she kept silent. Thank goodness she told a friend at school, and their parents called us concerned. So many people just think it isn't any of their business, and stay out of it. But thank goodness they spoke up, or we still might not know.
@missyd79 (3438)
• United States
18 Jan 07
wow that is horrible. I do not think i could ever forgive my spouse's family for doing that. How does your husband feel about it? is he as angry as you? i don't know what advice to give you because i don't know how i would handle it myself. i am so sorry to hear that she is going through this.
2 people like this
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
18 Jan 07
My husband is very upset, but with his father. He says a night doesn't go by that he doesn't think about killing him. He doesn't say much about his mother or older sisters.
2 people like this
@bindishah (2062)
• India
19 Jan 07
Your husband's family probably thought that with age his father may have changed his habits or maybe realized his mistake. They didnt want to bring up old hurts and agonies. But I guess they should have maybe told your husband to be careful of the man and not get too close to him.
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I think maybe his mom had just wanted to forget it had happened. He had been her second husband, and while she was in the hospital having my husband's younger brother, he had molested her girls from her previous marriage. We also found out that yrs. later when he remarried, he had molested his stepdaughters from that relationship too. There mom had called the police, but the police told them that it was a family matter (This was in Boston, MA). But that happened almost 25 yrs. ago.
@tashadimmitt (75)
• Japan
20 Jan 07
oh my first of all i want to say that im sorry this has happend to your familiy it is awful. I think that they should have spoken up I think they are just as much at fault for this as the dad/grandpa is because they knew and didnt warn you that would be like the police knowing there is a killer lose and not telling the world seriously! I would definantly get her into some counseling and maybe do some family counseling also and for some pointers on how to handle it i always like looking at dr.phils website he is amazing when it comes to this stuff he truly does help even reading his book called family first it teaches you how to deal with these kinds of problems. I hope everything gets better and i know it will be a struggle. GOD BLESS!
1 person likes this
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
21 Jan 07
I will have to check out the Dr. Phil stuff. We have our daughter in counseling already, there have been a few family sessions, but most of what she talks about is her real mother. She hasn't talked much about what has happened to her yet, but the couselor said that would come with time.
@scorpius (1792)
• India
19 Jan 07
well i think that what your husbands father did was unforgivable .that said i probably think that your husbands family did not say anything to you or anyone else abut this matter because they were all ashamed for what he did and did not want to rake up this issue all over again.all i can say is that you should at least try to look at things from thier perspective and try adn see if you can forgive them,after all they are your husbands family and all that!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_abuse
http://www.indianchild.com/child_abuse.htm
http://www.childabuse.org/
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
18 Jan 07
This is bad - but i guess that they were ashamed and that they live by the rule "if we don´t talk about it it never happened". They did wrong and they are also responsible for what happened since I am sure that u would have acted differently if you knew about this.
I do not know how you can work this out - and be able to forgive them. Forgivness is hard when it involves hurting kids.
I wish you the best though and I am sure that u will do whatever is best for you and your family!
1 person likes this
@jolanda33 (720)
• Netherlands
19 Jan 07
hi, first of all, i hope it's gonna be better for your family now!
may be because it happened so long ago and he promised not to touch anybody ever again , they decided not to talk about it? these days we know more then in 1969 i think that was the shame of the whole family(hope i say it the right way in english)
i think you should go to the famuily and ask them why they didn't warned you, you have the right to know!
i can not decide for you if you forgive them or not, it depense on the excuse they have!
hope you can solve this problem!
1 person likes this
@kindlady33 (194)
• Philippines
21 Jan 07
talk it over with your husband in a nice way...im sure he will listen after all his family is also your family remember
1 person likes this
@pestalozzi (96)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
as for me i think that was horrible. i could never forgive them
@MiLaw8 (74)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
I can relate to the predicament you are undergoing. I, myself can't grasp the idea why the family of your husband kept mum about it. Its not a petty issue to begin with considering the fact that they have daughters. Don't they think of their daughters that they can be molested by that kind of person? You don't have to think of ways on how you could forgive your husband's family, there is no way for that other than TIME. You have to buy time for the sake of your OWN FAMILY (As what they say is TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS). Also, you should move out where you will not be able to see those kind of kin for you to forget that horrible experience.
@Alexc123 (126)
•
19 Jan 07
as they where a family member of his they thought that he had changed and that he wouldnt do anything like this. people dont often expect their family members to do this sort of thing. they may not have wanted to worry you over what they saw as nothing, but this later turned out to be a bad move.
ove time you may find it in your heart to forgive them, but it wont come quickly.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
19 Jan 07
That is horrible and I don't think I could forgive them. Really they should have told you in warning with the little one. It's one thing if there was no child to be worried about. I hope you pressed charges. He is repeating this act. It's not like he only did this once in 1969 now. I hope your stepdaughter is young enough that she will be able to forget. I can't imagine what you are going through. It is also something that you can not forget. It's shocking that your husband never knew from his sister or mother. I've seen those families that seem to not talk about anything because they feel it's not proper but that is riddiculus. I would say what you should do is be as civil as possible, but with how they wouldn't tell you about something this important I wouldn't trust any of them with your stepdaughter. What if something happens and they decide not to tell you and tell your stepdaughter she shouldn't tell. If you do find that you can ever forgive don't ever forget!
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
19 Jan 07
There is a big gap in age between my husbands sisters and him. They are his half sisters from his mothers previous marriage. Yes, we did press charges. There was a Grand Jury indictment, and now he is sitting in jail waiting to go to trial (been almost a year now that he has been sitting in jail).
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
19 Jan 07
your poor stepdaughter. I wonder why he only got 3 months. They failed in their duty of care to you and your other child by neglecting to tell you, they had a responsibility to tell you. You should have it out with them, confront them and find out why exactly this was not disclosed? I would steer clear of the child molestor even if it is many years since his last (known) offense.
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Okay, I keep trying to post comments, but it gives me a blank page? Does mylot stop taking comments after so long?
@wednesday (113)
• Australia
21 Jan 07
Thats bad, I dont think forgivness is the key maybe tolerance of the rest of the family who aalowed this information to be ignored and posibly push him from your lives and definatly the childs life...... I dont think its possible to forgive such a crime commited against a child
@bennysavio (75)
• India
20 Jan 07
probably others must have thought that your father in law might have changed over the years...and not to insult him in front of others anymore...but they must have realised they are mistaken...
