MY first grader got beat up at school -- what should I do?
By OneShot
@OneShot (188)
United States
January 19, 2007 11:10am CST
My son is a first-grader and has been getting teased incessantly by his classmates and by children in second and third grade. He is very large for his age. At 6.5 years old he is nearly 4 and 1/2 feet tall, and is larger than most if not all of the third graders. The problem is that he is very timid and won't stand up for himself.
This is my fault since I had a rep as a bully when I was a kid and I did not want the same for him so I tought him to be meek. I did not imagine, because of his size, that he would ever become a victim, however, or I would not have done so. Now I tell him that it's ok to defend himself, but just not to start anything, but still he won't fight back. He says that already no one likes him and if he did that it would be even worse.
I have talked to people at the school, and they have been keeping an eye on him, but that has just made things worse. Now that the adults are protecting him, when other kids do catch him alone they really make it count, and if they can't physically assualt him they do it mentally. They tease him about what he brings for lunch, what he wears, how he smells, how he talks, and anything else they can think of.
If it were just a few kids doing this I would handle it with their parents but it appears to be upwards of 50 or so kids.
I have had him out of school for about two weeks now, but the school just contacted me and said they would bring me up on neglect charges if I don't send him back. They said it could mean jail time for me and foster care for him. I'm not too woried about that, however, since he has been seeing a psychologist and the psychologist agrees with me that he should not be subjected to this and it's the school's job to take care of the problem.
James(my son) is under a terrible amount of stress and has developed facial tics and started wetting the bed because of all this. It breaks my heart that this kind of thing can happen in first grade.
I am so pissed off I want to go out to that school and tear it down around their ears.
What can I do???
6 people like this
58 responses
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
19 Jan 07
This kind of thing really pisses me off!!!! It is so crazy these days that kids would actually beat someone up and if not that then tease them so bad that it totally kills their self confidence. Have you spoken to the counselor at his school - I would be curious as to what they would have to say about this. I really feel for your son!!! Our youngest is pretty much the same way - he gets very frustrated when he gets picked on - even by kids that he has been friends with for quite a while.
I would definitely talk to the school counselor to see what they say and depending on what reaction you get from them - hopefully they should have some very good suggestions on what can be done because in no way it is right for your son to be subjected to the nastiness of the other kids for no real reason at all.
I often wonder why other kids do these kinds of things - are they jealous for some reason - or simply were taught by their own parents that it's ok to bully kids. I wish all schools especially the elementaries would have a program about how bullying is wrong and never accepted - I think that might help to clue the bullies in that hey you can't do that.
If you get no where with the counselor then I would move up from there to the principal and if nothing from there then up to the school board and the superintendent of your school district.
I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to help your son find a way to a happy environment at school - it's so rough these days!!!!
@OneShot (188)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Thanks for the response and the advice. Early on when this was all just starting I went to the school and filled out all the paperwork for the school counselor to see James. That was about 4 months ago and she still has not seen him. That is why I went outside the system and found him a psychologist.
I think it mostly is a jealousy thing... at least that is how it started. He is very smart, though not the smartest, but he is near the top of his class in reading and math and music. He is also very athletic and, because he has two older brothers, one in JR. High and one in highschool who both play basketball and football and baseball with him all the time, he has a lot of skills that other kids his age don't have
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Well that is really crazy to think that in a time period of 4 months that the school counselor still hasn't seen him - that's definitely something that would really tick me off - because the most important part of their job is to see students. I would definitely consider writing a letter to your local school board and let them know about that - because that to me means that either the counselor is not providing the service that they are there for or are seriously overwhelmed - which is usually not the case because they should always be able to find the time to see the student!!!
And especially in your case where your child needs the attention!!!! I pretty much figured it had to be due to jealousy - as that's exactly why my youngest gets picked on - he's really smart too - and loves to go to school for the most part.
And I agree that if the issue just dealt with a few kids that were doing this - then I too like you would just contact the other kids parents to get the situation under control but with the large amount doing it - now that just makes me think that the psychologist you spoke to is so correct that it's a matter that the school has to take care of - but it sure sounds like they have dropped the ball on this one!!!!
I can say one thing - though it sure sounds like he's got the best dad around - one who really cares about him and how he feels as well as what he's dealing with!!! It's always nice to hear from fathers who take a stand in their childs life!!!!
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Yea ... there is no question that something is wrong in that school.
Thanks for the compliment, by the way. I try to be a good dad, even though sometimes i feel like I'm not up to the task. Like right now I feel like I am letting my son down. my back is up against a wall and i can't figure out how to make things better.
I really felt bad after he got beat up. When the problem first started I made all the calls and talked to people about it. After a while James stopped complaining about it so I figured the problem was handled. Then he got beat up and i find out that nothing got handled and he just stopped telling me about it because I just made it worse the first time.
1 person likes this
@sproutz (260)
• Canada
19 Jan 07
It makes me so sad to think of apoor kid going through this. I would go to the school and keep going ther euntil something is done. Ifd they act like twits, then go to the school board. NO child deserves this treatment. I can only imagien the thoughts spinning through his little head. I have a kindergartener and stuff like this makes me dread him moving to bigger grades. I with your son luck.
2 people like this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I agree. I wanted him to be a peace-loving, get along with everybody sort of kid, so I schooled him from very early not to hit or argue, to turn the other cheek, and to treat meanness with kindness. If I had it to do over I would teach him to be a little less timid and a bit more aggressive. It's sad to say, but it appears that kids need to be fighters to get by these days.
@p8ntballr21 (857)
• United States
20 Jan 07
That is horrible. No child should have to go through that torture. Expecially in a school environment.
Teachers and other school staff should always be on the look out for bullying. It is there job to teach and make sure the kids are safe. Your son is not safe.
I give you a lot of credit for being a big part of your son's life. Making sure he is feeling good and is happy. Not many people care anymore.
Take the issue to the school board/superintendant of the school. They should get matters straightened out.
2 people like this
@dtchucuoi (91)
• United States
20 Jan 07
I would have been pissed off too if I see something like that. Honestly, I didn't expect for it to be happen in first grade. I mean, a few kids, I do, but that's 50 or more...
I'm not a good person at giving advice. However, I can't look down on something like this and please just read the rest and consider them.
You could have home tutoring or move to a school where such incidents barely happen or none at all. As for your son, give him a lot of support (I believe you already did). If you have any nice relatives, have them help you too, and they must be VERY nice. Or, also consider about meditation. It could be more effective than you think. Meditation won't hurt and you want to try as many methods as possible to help him.
1 person likes this
@dtchucuoi (91)
• United States
20 Jan 07
http://www.buddhanet.net/ebooks_m.htm
It's a site of ebooks about introductory meditation. Read the one you find interested in, and just look at the meditation practice part, no need to look at the Buddhist teaching.
1 person likes this
@dtchucuoi (91)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Also, I must acknowledge you to be a good dad. You've said that you felt like you just letting your son down, a good parent is someone who devoted to his best for his children. Like when someone helps you, you should appreciate it more the harder someone tries to help you, and regard about the outcome less.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thanks for the advice and the resources, I will look into it.
And once again I need to clear something up. When I stated that there were fifty or more kids involved, i should have said that not all the kids were involved all the time. It usually tends to be just one or two kids that start a teasing episode and then a few more will join in, but it seems to be different kids at different times.
The beating episode consisted of three doing the actual beating and five or so looking on. The three kids were given a three day suspension and two weeks no recess(detention).
1 person likes this
@wrdsofwisdm (1069)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Well,
If you want to get even in a professional way, I suggest you talk to a lawyer and see what he/she has to say about your rights, and have something typed on legal letterhead faxed over to the principal's office. I would also go to the police department and explain the situation to find out what your rights are in this case. This way the police know you came to them first and it gives the school a black eye before they try to make you look like the bad guy just to protect their so called repuitation. If more people are on your side, the school will be forced to do something about bullying students. Personally, I think the little bullies should be put in a room and be made to watch the Columbine incident to show them what happens when bullies hurt people. It's harsh, but sometimes that puts a quick stop to it. Many kids are so desensitized today. Sometimes reality is all that works. Hope it all works out. Your son is tougher than you think. It's harder to walk away, than it is to strike back, if you think about it.
2 people like this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
20 Jan 07
I am so sorry tohear about your son. Children can be so cruel to others and often times they are not reprmanded by their own parents for lack of respect away from home. How disappointing that the school is threatening you instead of helping you and your son get a piece of mind. Have you thought of homeschooling? Would that even be an option? Poor James, as he all ready considers school a burden and a hateful place. Good for you for getting him into counseling. I would never want to teach my children to fight, but the again sometimes you just need to stand up for yourself. Good luck and keep us all updated.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Here is what i know about the school. We live in an economically depressed area. As such the tax base is not sufficient to pay for a fully staffed school. Many teachers have combined classes. James class is combined with kindergarten, 3 & 4 are combined as are 5 and 6 grade. Also, many classified positions have been eliminated. This includes playground attendants and other monitor type positions. This all means that there are not enough people to watch everything that goes on in the school.
As far as the school threatening me with legal action if I do not put jimmy back in school, I believe this is because for every day an individual student is in school, the school gets money from the state. If he is not there they don't get the money. They appear to be more concerned about the bottom line than about my son's welfare.
@witmuch (184)
• United States
21 Jan 07
what is the possibility of talking to other parents of the other children or calling an all parent meeting to talk to the parents about the bulling and these children in specific. maybe someone could set a volunteer time that a few each week could do hall monitoring for the school since it understaffed and get the parents involved. that will sometimes get the kids to back and could mean that they will have to deal witht their parents on a new level. if parents will take back their schools their children will learn better. Good luck. try to get info from the PTA of you school.
@DeeBloomers (688)
• United States
20 Jan 07
This problem happens more than you may think. Kids can be so cruel and it just takes some little thing different for them to get picked on. My son has tourettes, it is when your body makes involuntary motion or sounds? There was a time when I didn't think I was going to make it through his school years! I would get so angry that he would get picked on for something he could not help and my experience with the school people was that they were not very helpful. They either didn't know what tourettes was or didn't care. If they would have had home schooling back then I would have grabbed him out of that school so fast! You know that is an option? But somewhere around 6th or 7th grade he made a few of his own friends and that is all he needed. If anyone picked on him, his friends would take care of it and after awhile he built up enough confidence in himself that they pretty much stopped and he got into sports and lived a more normal life, which is all he ever wanted. Honey if I were you, I would talk to the school again and tell them if they cannot solve it, that you might have to home school him! They really don't like to hear that! Sometimes our school system isn't always right and they are getting more and more teachers in them that are only there for a paycheck! Otherwise how are some of our school kids graduating from high school and still cannot read?
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Yes. I understand what you are saying. My son does not have tourettes, but because of stress he developed facial tics and the other kids jumped on that right away, making the situation worse. That was when i pulled him out of school. I wish I could homeschool him, but i want him to be social and play sports and I also fear that I would not be able to effectively teach him since i also have to devote a great deal of time to my wife who has MS. Her condition is slowly deteriorating and she requires more and more care all the time.
@not4me (1711)
• United States
20 Jan 07
OMG my heart really goes out to your son. I have a daughter in 1st grade and I know how pissed I'd be if anything like that happened to her. If you can't move to a different school district all I can give you is purely superficial advice. If you can, make sure he has awesome clothes and sneakers. I know that sounds horrible but if he dresses like the popular kids do then they might envy him a little.
I wouldn't normally suggest something like this, but your your son, something has to give and it doesn't sound like the school can do much about it, thanks mostly to the nature of other kids.
You could also move him to a Montessori school and hope that his height levels out and then place him back into a public school. You could also have him home-schooled but this should be last resort.
The only other thing I can think of is to teach him some witty and benign comebacks to throw at the other kids, or get him involved with a sport like basketball so he can put his height to good use and he can make some friends with a common interest.
I hope some of this helps. I'm really sorry he has to go through this.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thanks for the response. I come from a family of giants of which, at 6'3" tall and 280 pounds, they call me the runt of the family. I have uncles and cousins that near 7 feet tall. My dad is 6'4". I mairied a woman 5'11", her father was 6'5".... I think my son simply has no choice in the matter.
@tapeshnlu (349)
• India
20 Jan 07
well first find out what was the matter for your son was beaten up.
may be your son is not telling the real cause behind it.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
I cannot be certain of the real reason behind the beating. James does not know himself. My guess is that it arose from a general escalation in animosity toward him. The animosity I believe stems from jealousy. In the beginning of the school year he loved school. They would play math games and word games and he would win most of the time. He also loved phys ed because he was generally better at most physical endeavors than his classmates. This is do to his advanced size and dexterity combined with the fact that he has two older brothers who include him when they play but don't play down to his levl much.
@karlasper (99)
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
Good day. I can feel your trouble and so feel so sorry about it. I suggest you transfer your son to a child friendly school, probably in a much small school since it is effectively managed and monitored by the school administrators. As a teacher myself, a school having 50 kids or more bullying a schoolmate to me is an indication that the school where your son is currently studying is not effective in the way they descipline and teach their students. So before things find a new school for your kid. As you look for another school, I hope the following guideline could help you.
1. Visit a prospect school and learn how it is faring with regards to handling cases like that of your son.
2. Discover the characteristics of students in that school. You can ask parents with children in that school and tell them your problem that you are looking for a school that will be friendly to your son.
3. Once you have chosen a school, relate to the would be teacher of your son the problem and ask her/ his help. A good teacher will neve say no. Make sure that the school counselor also knows about the problem with your kid.
Meanwhile, as I see it, your son is starting to develop inferiority comples. Probably you overdo warning or telling him to be meek. Honestly you have faulted as you have said. So stop telling your son about it. Boost his confidence in himself. Enroll him in karate school for kids without telling him. There he would hopefully find his strength and power while learning descipline how to use it. Introducing him to kid sports that is more physical will also help him build his confidence. Good luck to you.
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thank you for your very good advice. Unfortunately where i live there is only one school available, and financially, moving is not an option.
I need to clear one thing up, however. James is not by any means weak. He is very large, very strong for his age. In sports, thanks to my help and that of his older brothers, he is also very advanced. This I believe is one of the reasons he gets picked on, because he is larger than all his classmates and just as big as many of the third graders, and is better than most of them at all the big sports. In-fact, I enrolled him in the 1-2 grade basketball team and after two practices they moved him up to the 3-4 grade team. Of course after 3 practices i forced the coaches to move him back to the 1-2 grade team. The 3-4 team was developing into another bad situation for him. Now it seems that They are not going to let him play at all. After his first two games the coach told me that parents form the other teams were complaining about him being to big and to old, even though he's only six and a few of the kids on the team are eight. He said that I either had to move Jimmy up to the 3-4 team or he wouldn't get to play.
1 person likes this
@abhiquest (579)
• India
20 Jan 07
I think more than the kids in the school, their parents and the school staff need to learn a lesson or two. They should be made aware about the situation at hand. I think an awareness drive is really what is needed but that would really be tough for you as a parent. Why not show the postings from this discussion to the school staff? Wouldn't it make them improve upon their showing and be more concerned about the situation. Better still pass on these postings to the parents of all these 50 or so kids. It would bring everything in their perspective and they would even appreciate the concern and method you have adopted. If I would have been in your position, I would have undergone a similar drive.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
That is a very good idea that many have advised me about in one way or another. I should clear up that while over fifty kids have been involved at one time or another, it has really only been small groups each time, just with different kids. Though some are usually present most of the time.
@Tayahgirl07 (31)
• United States
20 Jan 07
What a wonderful Dad you are! Being so involved in your son's life is such a blessing. Although my story is not as severe as your son's I thought I would share anyway. The school board should be willing to help you, good luck. I also have a first grader. Although our problem was the opposite. My Christian is the smallest and youngest child. There was a boy in his class that consistently pulled the back of his shirt to intimidate him. He was even trying to push my son into the trash can in the classroom. The first weeks of school were very frightening for him. This kid was much bigger and older. At first I told him to warn the kid and if he did not take the warning just punch him. Christian of course was afraid of getting in trouble at school, (Christian has also been raised to be meek and very polite.) so he never did take my advice, which now I am glad he did. Things we learn from our children! Anyway, how we nixed the problem was this. I started really being known at school. In the mornings I would approach this child and got him involved with our conversations. I have even volunteered at school for his class just to get to know the kids. I went and met my son for lunch a few times to see how that time was handled. By being "known" this child finally came around and stopped picking on my son. I don't know if he is worried that I might say something to him or what but he knew that I knew what the situation was. I did not want to in return "bully" this kid but I certainly did not want him to think my son was fair game either. Since the beginning of the year my son has really taken over. He has become more confident and outgoing. Again, I know our stories are very opposite but I do hope that someone does take your complaint seriously. It sounds if the school needs to take some kind of action, now.
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thanks for your story, I would so much love to go spend time with my son at school, if only to see just how things work there. Unfortunately my wife has MS and I cannot leave her alone for extended periods. I am her only care giver and we cannot afford to hire someone.
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Your school has got to start up an anti-bullying program. You can suggest this website as a place to go for more information.
http://www.nwrel.org/request/dec01/schoolwide.html
Maybe you could use this website to help your son
http://www.kidpower.org/School-age.html
Tell the school system that until they do the program,, you expect a tutor for your son, get the psychologist to write up a letter supporting these actions.
@missybal (4490)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Is it possible to enroll him in a new school? I would find him a new start considering that the problem is the school and the teachers. Really that is said that all that can happen to a 6 year old. I would also try to do more things with him and don't talk about the problem as much. Try to cheer him up and forget about the incidents. Maybe play sports just the two of you. That may also toughen him up some. I would however speak to the board of education and hope for the best. I don't know if you are a single parent if it could be possible to home school him for a while until he is able to get through this. If you do chose to try this option I suggest doing other things so he can be around kids in a club or something like that and do these things with him until he is comfortable enough to do this himself. I hope all will work it's self out but it's good to hear he has such a loving father. A lot of fathers would yell and tell them to just get over it and toughen up and be a man. You at least know how to be patient and understanding.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Where I live there is only one school available, and he is plenty strong physically, I just need to undo the damage I did and coax him to be a little more aggressive. I am not a single parent, but my wife has multiple sclerosis and fibromyalga so she can do very little except moral support.
@newmama412 (590)
• United States
20 Jan 07
First of all, I am so sorry that you and your son have to go through this terrible experience. You need to sit your son down and explain to him that he's going to meet many people throughout life who arent nice, or who arent good human beings. He needs to know that these kids are the way they are because their parents aren't responsible enough to teach them to be good people. And I would be at that school, letting them know that if my child suffered any more due to their neglect and non-responsiveness to this heinous situation, that I would be looking into legal action against them. The school administrators have a duty to teach all these students good behavior, and to protect your son from violence and abuse. I have even seen entire classes addressed about poor behavior like this. its very good that you have him talking with a counselor. and you should teach him to stick up for himself. and its not a bad thing that you tried to teach him not to be a bully because of your past. it shows that you're a good parent that you've tried to instill the good aspects of your childhood into him and to steer him from the bad things you did. but youre right; he needs to know that he has the right to defend himself, especially if these teachers arent doing enough to curb this behavior from the other students. and i would find out the ones who instigate the bullying and definately speak to their parents. if you dont get anywhere with the teacher or principal, then you should go to the superintendant of the school, and then the school board. and if that didnt work, id be looking into changing his schools, or homeschooling him for the time being. good luck and best wishes to you and your son.
1 person likes this
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thank you for your comments. I should clear something up, however. I said I had a rep as a bully. I forgot to mention that I wasn't actually a bully, I was just very big and very strong for my age. There were two incidents that gave me the reputation. The first one was in 3rd grade. Two 5th graders were teasing this kid named Thad who had a cleft pallette. I didn't beat them up, but I did man-handle them a little and told them to leave him alone. My mom got called in for that one. The other was when I was in fourth grade, my best friend and I were climbing around on the monkey bars. They were shaped like a space ship and we played on them often pretending they were. We had climbed to the top and were messing around. To this day i can't remember if I bumped into him and caused him to fall or if he just fell on his own, but fall he did and broke his arm and jaw in the process, bouncing off the other bars on his way down. It was a complete accident whether i bumbed him or not, but the playground attendant swore that I pushed him.
From that day on I was labeled as "bad News".
Now that I think back on it they probably just needed a scapegoat to keep the school from getting sued.
1 person likes this
@Randync (544)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Teach him to fight. Or take him to karate class and let them teach him. He has to learn to take up for himself. Karate is awesome for kids. It teaches disipline as well as self defense. It also teaches them to work hard towards a goal, such as higher belt ranking. If he really beats the crap out of some kid, the rest will leave him alone. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. I would also skip the school and go to the school board or somebody higher up and ask them why the school, can't deal with it.
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
That might be a bit harsh, but it might also be necessary. My son does know the basics of kickboxing, and I have been toying with the idea of bringing my 4 year old in and having him and James put on a kickboxing demonstration for his class. I was thinking this might elevate his status a little... perhaps make them think he was cool. Maybe that would help the problem.
1 person likes this
@coolcatzz (1587)
• Canada
20 Jan 07
Oh my that is terrible. I can understand where you are coming from being his father. I live in Canada and we have 0 zero tollerance to any kind of bullying or fighting at school. I could see if he was in a higher grade but in grade one you certainly don't expect anything like this. I would get him some councelling if you can. Cause this could really scare him and as you say he already is showing symptoms from this. I would also want to talk to the other parents. Best of Luck to you and your son. I hope things improve drastically for him.
1 person likes this
@JellyBeans (639)
• Canada
20 Jan 07
Well this is what happens when you do get bullied when your in elementary or at least through my experiences as a kid.
When i was just a kid probably 7-8 i was always bullied and always insulted.
I was always taught to be nice to others and not to get into fights. So that's what i did i never got into fights. I am the youngest of my family (of 6 kids) And i was always bothered by them as well. My life was a disaster. so i decided to stand up for myself. A few weeks later I started to act like what i would now call an 'idiot' Because i was a jerk and if someone ever dared to tease me i would either insult them about the way they looked or the way they were or something else.
But then a few years later i stopped after getting out of that horrid school...
The best thing to do now is to tell your son that it is best to just ignore If that doesn't work then i think that you should pay a visit to the school... Another good thing to do is to change him schools. give him a fresh start :)
1 person likes this
@mom2boys (334)
• United States
19 Jan 07
This is the schools fault for not putting a stop to it, i think if someones kids are being bullies they should be contacted, and told that their child needs to stop or disciplinary action will be taken, i think that bullies need to be punished, all be damned if my kids act like that! But on the same hand I have taught my 5 yr old to not let anyone hurt him or bully him, he is to take up for himself to a degree, he better not provoke it and he better not bully anyone, kids are so mean these days, i really think you shoulc contact the school board, or principal, whoever you need to to listen. this is so disheartening to hear.
@OneShot (188)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Thanks for your response. If it were just a few kids I would already have contacted their parents, but there are so many involved with this, and I have been unable to determine who the instigaters are with any degree of certainty. While the followers share some degree of responsibility in all reality, they are just after the same thing my son so desperately needs.... Acceptence.
