Helping my friend see his child

unfortunately, his name is not on the birth certificate. he has a stable job and he can support the baby if the mother allows it. they're pretty much in the compromising stage right now. i hope everything works out well so he wont have to resort to court.

I would urge your friend to at least do the paternity test. That might even show her that he is serious about seeing the baby and she'll think that it's a good idea to let him be a part of the child's life.

i really appreciate your response. we need all the help we can get. i am actually encouraging him to talk to the girl and maybe try to compromise. i am really hoping that they sort it out without having to go through court since it will save them not only money but from the emotional stress as well. we are from the philippines and we dont have an idea where we can go to for advise. he's a real good guy and im hoping everything turns out well.

Yes, I agree with your comment about talking to each other and trying to come to a compromise which will not only save them money but a lot of emotional stress as well, but it sounds to me as though she is now afraid of losing the child, owing to her previous verbal agreement. I hope it does all work out for them, and that the child gets to have a happy relationship with them both. If you can't find anywhere which will help, should your friend find talking with the mother hopeless, there is a web site where you can seek a lawyer in the Phillipines... follow this URL. http://www.helplinelaw.com/lawyers/philippines I hope you can find some help there. If not, please paste a comment and I'll search further for you. Good luck. :-)

This is common to Asian woman when the boy friend or husband f__king around with other women. Is your friend did that to this young mom? Tell him not to f__king around with other women, be loyal to the mom and that's also be responsible to the new born. Bring all the resource to her and the new born and be responsible; I don't see why the mom would not admit the father of the new born ...

This is better than cost a lot to get a lawyer showing how to kill the other party without sword... But, once the case in the hands of court, you will have endless "follow ups" ... One day Patti McKenzie told me all the homeless families she helped at Williamsburg VA can NOT relocate to, say, Hazleton PA, where furnished room cost only $170 a month because many of them "can NOT move out of state". So, she said Williamsburg VA is expensive, then these families can NOT afford, yet can NOT relocate out of state to where it is cheaper to live. I tell you why? Once your friend go to court to "tie up" his daughter's mom; he himself will be "tied up" by the court as well. For example, one day he lost his job, say, in VA and got a job at PA, he will NOT be able to relocate over to PA. He and his wife would be both tied up to the state, and can NOT leave. This is true for the daughter's mom. How can she raise his daughter? She may need a job and work, but what if she lost job and got a job out of state, she will NOT be able to take, she can NOT leave the state due to your court order so that you can visit your daughter. Now, you understand, the better way to "resolve" is to resolve privately, NO lawyer, no court order. and that take time and patiences ... In Physics he and his daugher has a bond, and the daughter has another one with her mother, and each will have a job with a tie to the company, then the freedom has reduced tremendously. Then you want to have more tie on court on other things? Your friends will sure to regret later. Many can just show you a tip for now but can not tell you what would happen years later ... but give Patti McKenzie a call ... http://www.thehomelessinwilliamsburg.blogspot.com/ She has lots of cases in hand and may be able to tell you. BETTER NOT FIGHT! Try to be patient and work in a soft way and find a compromise and get both party happy ...

Making a lot of sense...

Very good and clear ...

we are from the Philippines. I am trying to search the web right now for possible options.

thanks for the response. 'ppreciate it.

Again, getting a lawyer is not a good idea, very costly, and make both party fight, and fight very very hard! You know, once you get a lawyer, lawyer will tell you NOT TO COMMUNITCATE with the other parties, their friends, relatives ... The more isolation, the more misunderstanding going to create ... And you also mentioned that "not too many lawyers are good" and watch out. They often want to you fight as hard as possible so that you will have to pay them for MORE TIME and MORE money ...

he did help pay the bill. even before she gave birth, he was already saving.

Very true. Give her more time to think, and also give her more resources like money to pay the hospital bill ...

This is good advise, but, instead just visit, bring diapers, bring child food, milk and, say, $1,000 cash to the young mom. As a father, your friend has missed full year of responsibility, and bring up the sincere to want to pay for the hospital cost of "HIS DAUGHTER"!!! If he claims, she is her daughter, why let someone else to pay for the hospital cost?

This is good and it should work, except that I believe that his friend has NO direct channel to "talk to her" right now. But money will talk, send her $1,000 with a sincere letter wishing to see the daughter; it should open the door of communications again ... why give the money to lawyer who will teach you to fight?

Very good advise! Your friends should not ignore this advise full of widsom ...

Very true. So, you really need to tell your friend, be patient, and consult parents or relatives, and support mother and baby the way anyone could have support their wife and baby. Imagine if he had married with the poor woman and now had a new baby, what would he do? Buy diaper? then go buy diapers, buy milk? then go buy milk, pay hospital bills? then go pay hospital bills. So, do whatever a father should do to the mom and baby. And, set up a mutual fund and deposit several thousands for the newly born daughter every year for her college tuition. And of course start seeing other women and don't sleep with other women. Imagine you are the father with new born, you need to spend all your leisure time to take care the mother and baby ...

That's why your friend really need to act in a "soft" way to reappeal the heart of his daughter's mom, and, as I said, paying of the hospital bill for the mom is first step, and behave like a father as if there is a marriage ... then everything will come natural ... There is a famous Chinese proverb saying "Poor couple has sadness in most of things". So, why fight? One said, "Hun, lets go McDonald tonight so that you have a break, no cooking tonight", but the wife would be yelling back "Do you know we do not have money to pay electric bill?" So... start fighting ...

This is true, but try to do it without lawyer ... Again, lawyer is not a good tool to your daughter's mom. If you need to fight with company, then, go ahead to hire a lawyer... Lawyer is good to use to fight with organizations, companies, government agency ...etc. but NOT to your loved family members ...

True, but be careful. When you talk to a lawyer, they, by profession, assuming the "worst nature" of human, and then because they assume the "worst nature", they will encourage you to fight! You need to see if you can just find out your legal rights, but may be talk to your pastor, parents, or teachers ... who would be more likely to show you tips based on the assumption that human beings are in general nice with good heart ...

True. This is also a good one if the trust can be recovered, or at least to the welfare of the daugher. On the other hand, not sure if your friend having other girl friends ... It is hard to find good match for some men, but it is also hard for some other men to get rid of too many girls ... A girl could hate your friend so much; that also implies she loved your friend so much ... My advise is do not have s_x with a girl who love you so much before married, because, she could hate the same amount or even more if you do not know how to deal with the relationship ... but it seems too late for your friend. Some men can not tolerate their wives or girl friends to have s_x with other man, and this seems to be true for some women...

i aree that it is not that a good idea to go to court. we just want to know what his options are just in case it doesnt work when they try to talk. were hoping for the best.

Your advise is half way correct. True. tell your friend to get a job (well, most Asian always get a job, some work on one or two extra part time jobs in addition to full time) and make money for the baby and also for the mom (think about this, the mom is his beloved girl friends and now has full time job has to raise the baby your friend claimed to love) So, he need to work very hard and send her a check for TWO people's living expense to be called a "responsible father". Hey! when a father is NOT responsible, we do NOT call him a father, if you are Asian, you know it better than most Americans ... My sister loves my mom, so she hire a housekeeper to take care my mom and she pay all the cost. So, your friend should starting thinking if he love the baby, he should at least think of hire a baby sister to take care the baby ... The other half part is wrong is suggest a lawyer to fight! That's terrible ...

This is good example. Tell your friend be very careful! In this country, marriage is NOT real, more or less is a paper, until there is a kid born. That's when there is no kid, marriage does not mean anything, and many Americans they live together, married or not they do not care. But, once has a baby, the "marrige" become so real and "divorce" is NEVER really divorced. the kid will tie the relationship for many bad years to come, visitation, child support ...etc. So, if your friend has decided to "divorced her", he should not bother to visit the baby since that will imply "endless relationship" with the mom. Of course, if he would like to have that relationship, he better just marry her. If he already have more than one woman, that's is called "One Leg on two boats" in Chinese, he better think twice. Claim a baby also means "child support" for up to 18 years old ...

i definitely agree. i think they are making some progress. they talked earlier and she showed her the baby. although he's still not allowed to go to the house and visit the baby regularly, i think that is some positive proress. one step at a time. thank you for your response.

Again, any suggest with lawyer is no good, that lawyers in this country already make too much money. And, most young people fight too much normally due to no resources, and going to lawyer is either unaffordable or will take of the last resources from the couple ... Be very careful when making suggestion like this. It would be great if you said "Oh! you can use my lawyer and I will pay for all the cost!" Otherwise, that suggestion is going to kill the couple resources wise ... and leave little to the new born daughter they both love... How do you think?

good luck!!

Right! Your friend does not need a lawyer to represent him. Also, while your friend trying to find out his rights, please also urge him to find out all his responsibility as a father ... and, of course, try to fulfill ...

I forgot to add that this only applies for you if you live in the US. Live anywhere else, I'm not really sure what you can do. Never been down that road.

His friend is at Phillipine, remember?

Excellient! This is the best comment I saw by far ... and when the father start showing his responsibility, contributing the cost of raising the kid, there is no reason why the mom would not let the father share the responsibility ...