From The Personal Experience Bank....
By misskatonic
@misskatonic (3723)
United States
January 23, 2007 4:32pm CST
This is a little story about ignorance.
Many years ago, I was working at a very good job. When I started, I was in a very serious relationship with another woman. I was out at work, and everyone was well aware of my sexuality. And no one cared. I was at that job for years, and near the end, my relationship ended. It ended for very good reasons and I have never once regretted ending it. But it was an emotional time for me.
Everyone at work was aware of this. I showed up one day crying because I just had to get away from that woman. They all knew it was a horrible situation for me, and were all very supportive. Even my direct manager, a woman I didn't particularly like but who liked me for some reason.
The two of us, my manager and I, were standing together on a slow day. No one else was around. And she turned to me and she said, in regards to my failed relationship, "Now that that's out of your system, you can find a nice man to settle down with".
At the time, I didn't feel anything about the comment. I was numb and not paying much attention. But now, looking back, I realize it was the single most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me. Half because of the assumption - that I wasn't actually a lesbian - and half because of the ignorance. The sheer ignorance of the idea that not all women want a man. That not everyone's dream is the perfect heterosexual couple with the white picket fence and the two kids. The fact that this woman would just dismiss such a huge part of my life as a passing phase.
I think about it a lot. And how it sums up so beautifully all of the ignorance surrounding homosexuality. I'm not one of those lesbians who marches in Pride Parades or who pronounces her sexuality every chance she gets, but it's still a very large part of who I am. And I'm proud of who I am, every aspect of me. And I really hope that someday, in the future, there will be no assumptions. There won't be this idea that sexuality is a defining thing, and that everyone fits into neat little molds.
I know it's not something that stands to happen for a very long time, but that doesn't mean I can't hope.
(And as an addendum, I don't want anyone preaching at me or telling me how awful, sick or horrible I am for being a lesbian. Let's keep in the spirit of this post, please.)
13 people like this
27 responses
@inked4life (4224)
• United States
23 Jan 07
Unfortunately a lot of people still believe that homosexuality is either "a phase you are going through", or a "lifestyle choice". I live in metro Atlanta and there is a huge billboard up on the main highway going through the city with the heading "I Questioned My Homosexuality" and a number and website to visit if you wish to be "cured". As long as this sort of closed minded stupidity exists I'm afraid you are probably going to encounter that same type of situation on more than one occassion.
4 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
26 Jan 07
"a huge billboard up on the main highway going through the city with the heading "I Questioned My Homosexuality" and a number and website to visit if you wish to be "cured"."
Inked are you serious?!? I'm surprised ppl havent complained about it then again I guess that wouldnt really do any good would it...Thats a trip!
Misskatonic - I can completely understand how it would be an insult..I'd be insulted as well to be perfectly honest with you and actually have for heartless, uneducated comments ppl have tossed my way to worse yet tossed at my kids....Its amazing how UNmindful and sometimes truly heartless some ppl can be in this world especially in todays day and age ya know....
2 people like this
@Springlady (3986)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I don't agree with your lifestyle. I believe it to be wrong and it will hurt you in the long run. However, people should still be kind to you because you are a human being. God still loves you and wants to help you, but you have to be willing.
I pray things work out for you. God be with you.
@Springlady (3986)
• United States
26 Jan 07
There are always consequences to sin. When you care about someone, you want the very best for them.
Just pray about it. God will help you!
@kitchenwitchoftupper (2290)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Now you do know that you are a disgusting abomination do you not!
That was the cruelest thing ever shot at my partner Carol. She had been working at the same job with the same people for about 14 years when all of a sudden one of her closest friends decided to start attending church. (Never for a minute do I think this was a bad decision, nor am I against anyone who goes to church - as Missk stated please keep in spirit of post). The other woman went to church for several months and then one Sunday the subject of homosexuality came up and her pastor preached mightily on the topic. If she would have come to Carol and openly told her what she was feeling, this close friend of over 13 years who we had gone to parties with, had invited to our house, had gone to her house, had played cards and board games on weekends with, this close friend simply handed Carol an envelope and asked her to read it when she and I were together at home that evening.
I cannot remember the letter verbatim, as it has been many years ago, but the gist of the letter was, "I am sorry Carol and Donna, but my family and I are no longer able to continue our friendship with you. It is our new-found understanding that what you are doing is an abomination under the eyes of God and since we know that there is nothing we can say that will change you, it is best for us that we not put ourselves in a place where we could easily backslide into our old immoral ways."
My Carol is a stalwart and steady type and is not a "crier"; but when she read this, cry she did. She had grown up in a relatively small town where every knew she was gay and accepted her for who she was. She had never been taunted for being who she was. She had always been a good, caring, and comforting person and that is what her friends, neighbors, and the parents of her friends growing up had seen in her had been.
It took this one totally insensitive and inane remark to bring her to her knees and totally shake her foundation.
You are right Missk - some people will never get it at all. ~Donna
2 people like this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Thank you for sharing that story.
I want to say that I can't believe people would be so mindless or cruel, but I know they can be. I am so sorry for your partner, that she had to go through that. And I feel sorry for the woman who did it, because she's so easily led and so quick to change her own beliefs and worldview, and not strong enough to know her own mind and heart.
2 people like this
@emeraldisle (13139)
• United States
24 Jan 07
It always amazes me how people will assume things about others. It shouldn't anymore but it still does. I've seen my share of it and have had it done too me. I live with my sister and we've had a few people assume we are more then sisters, that we just say sisters to not stick out. Anyone looking at us would realize that we look a lot a like, we can't deny each other even when we try.
It amazes me though how misinformed people can be and how they will latch on to just one little piece of information and blow it all out of proportion. They will spread that belief around and figure if I believe it then it must be right and heaven help us if they find someone else who thinks the same way, well then you know it must be fact at least as far as they are concerned. Most of them though have no clue and cannot understand the reality of things. If something is different then how they expect it to be it must be wrong.
People are not meant to be all the same. We need our differences and that is what makes the world wonderful. If we were all the same life would be pretty boring. I enjoy being the square in the round world, or maybe I'm the round trying to fit into the square world but either way it makes things very interesting.
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Acutally, I'm kind of surprised that that comment came from a woman. Perhaps I am guilty of stereotyping, myself. But I have always beleived that women in general were more accepting of GLBT people than men. And if a man suggested that, I would think he was trying to get in your pants.
Education is the key to living this thing we call life. People come in all types. SExuality is not a choice and folks need to have that beaten into their heads. If being gay was a decision, I dare say there would be very few gays in this world.
1 person likes this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
24 Jan 07
That's a very common belief, but it's sadly not true. I've gotten more vitriol thrown at me from straight women than men. Men are usually all haha, can I watch?' and stupid rather than mean.
The way it breaks down is: women are generally more accepting of gay men while straight men are more likely to have a problem with them. Straight women are more likely to be less accepting of gay women, while men are more likely to just be stupid about it.
1 person likes this
@grievingbeauty (94)
• United States
24 Jan 07
you sound like an intelligent woman, so, as such, let it go..it was a stupid and insensitive thing to say..realize that the actual percentage of homosexuals is small and a good many of straight people honestly believe you have wrong thinking...i don't care one way or another, but many people are set in their ways...on a personal note, i am appalled at the homosexuals who feel the need to shove their sexuality in everyone's faces, almost daring somebody to say something..as in the gay parade...totally in your face parade..
1 person likes this
@mrmagoo (16)
• Australia
24 Jan 07
i am a ? you are ?
i am a citizen!
you ended the relationship...move on...next.. or go back and say you are sorry.
you were offended because a woman thought you should be with a man? or because woman thought you would get over the breakup soon enough? get real, you cannot be pure %100 anything and don't be so romantic about breaking hearts, life is not a novel, people forgive and people forget
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I'm sorry, I'm really not sure what you're trying to say here. The whole thing about my relationship - which I said I was glad I ended - was to explain the context of my manager's comment. This post was basically about how people can be very ignorant and hurtful without realizing it. It was more commentary on the ignorance of the sexuality spectrum than anything else. My own relationship was just backstory.
1 person likes this
@MellieC (783)
• United States
9 Feb 07
The nerve of some people (her not you) to think that they have the right to say something like that to someone else is just ..grrr..gets my panties in a knot! People honestly do NOT think before they speak. She must be lucky you were in that condition lol if it were me I would have ripped her a new one! jk..Don't let people that that bother you too much. You've already gotten something that they don't. Your proud of yourself and who you are and thats something they will probably never have in their lives..
@rmuxagirl (7548)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I can't believe your manager would say something like that to you. That was completely ignorant and wrong. I think people need to be more tolerant of each other not matter what.
@007Bond1974 (881)
• Philippines
6 Feb 07
im happy for you too dear friend...acceptance and happiness on who you are counts the most to live a non-stressfull life...its all a matter of choice....why chose what you want others to see you when it would not make you happy...be real be cool be happy.... choose towards your own happiness!peace!
@beyonce03 (2331)
• Canada
25 Jan 07
I don't think I can write a response as good as they other because I'm not that good ij english. I don't know why but your story really touch me. I can't believe that some people still think that when your are lesbians or gay it's gonna pass someday and it's only for a moment.
You are giving some hope to people. We have to be proud of what we are not matter what other are saying.
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept my bisexuality. I wish I never looked at woman like I do and that my eyes will only be for my boyfriend.
Thanks for that wonderfull post :)
@avs189 (1030)
• India
23 Jun 07
As someone has truly said that one learns from his mistakes,hopefully i guess u must also have learnt never to be close so emotionally to any other person unless and untill you are sure that person has complete trsut in you.Life has many passing experiences, we all commit mistakes,just we need to learn from it and keep enjoying our life.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Sadly, this kind of ignorance is still quite rampant. I wish people weren't so keen on turning everyone straight, and I wish they'd just learn that not everyone is straight and it's not a choice (although I'm sure some people may have chosen to be gay themselves), for the most part, it's something you really can't help. I don't think people will change their opinions on this matter any time soon however.
@toi_toi (123)
• Malaysia
29 Jan 07
Try not to think or take it a wrong way. Probably she was trying and not thinking hard enough to come out with an appropriate comment to make you feel better. Probably she just wanted to console you and give you words of encouragement but it somehow did not come out alright.
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
24 Jan 07
It is ignorance but also a complete lack of insightfulness into the range of human preferences. Your boss that said maybe you should now try looking for a nice man (!) was probably trying to console you. She was probably trying to make you feel better. Some people assume that everyone else wants the same things as they do, desires the same kind of lifestyle. They assume that if others have not got this, it is because they went "wrong" or it is because there was something lacking. They haven't got the depth needed to realize that people really do come in all shapes and sizes. Hopefully you won't meet anyone like that again.
@tanaclark (570)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I know exactly what you mean. The ignorance doesnt stop at peoples words. I have been in a few lesbian relationships. It used to irritate me when people would ask me who was the woman and who was the man? I also hate when they think that women wouldnt be lesbians if they had just been f***ed right.
Ignorance isn't bliss and I dont think that some people in this world will ever change.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I have read and agreed with most of the responses so just to add... I dont think it is anyone else's business who I choose to love or to to think their way is the correct way. Be it homosexual or heterosexual.
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
24 Jan 07
That is a horrible thing to say to someone. I personally can say that I have not known many homosexuals but the two I do know, I can say there is no way they would ever "choose" this life. Their family has rejected them and they have no one but each other in this world. I just don't understand the ignorance of people.
