Repeating the process of abuse.

You and I and some others who have responded here are the lucky ones. We saw, we understood, and we overcame. I was abused by my eldest sister, my father and two step-fathers, and I suppose I would have to say by my mother, but hers wasn't intentional. She had a dreadful mother herself, and I don't think she knew anything different. While I was abused for the first 22 years of my life, I never considered myself to BE abused. I thought it was normal. I thought what happened to me was because I was evil. I accepted it. I had no friends. I had no social graces. When I was 22 years old, my life changed completely. I saw people who actually loved their families and showed it. I saw that abuse wasn't normal. I realised what "normal" is. You ask how or why the cycle tends to continue. That is why. It is because abused people very often don't know they are different. They think the life they have is normal. If I hadn't come into contact with truly normal people, I might have continued in the cycle, but the last 48 years of my life have been filled with love. During many years of counselling people, I have found that most abused people do not believe they are abused. They have accepted that their lifestyle is normal. When they see other happy people, they believe that is only for show, and what happens at home is a different story. It is very difficult for an abused person to see a different way of life. That is why the cycle repeats.

It's interesting that you say this because my father went through the same thing. He also suffered and saw physical and verbal abuse from his father. Anyway my dad told me about it one day,when I was an adult, and said that he would not treat us the way his parents did and everyday when he left for work he would kiss us (my brother and I) on the cheek (he worked early in the morning so we were usually asleep). So as a child I never felt that I was not loved by my father. I think that it takes a lot for a person to not repeat the cycle that was unfairly heaped upon them and you and my dad seem to be one of those few.

I think people who repeat the cycle are just losers. They are lazy people who don't care about bettering the lives of their families. My mother was a stressed out single mom, working three jobs. We were alone a lot, which was better than when she was home, because she was a hitter. She would get mad and hit you with anything at hand. Sticks, shoes, hairbrushed (I had many broken over my head as a child), frozen fish (this almost broke my wrist). To this day, I refuse to hit my children. My mother was angry and hostile, and took out her frustrations on me. Hitting your kids is an easy way to vent your frustrations, but it has lasting DAMAGING effects on the children, take it from someone who knows first hand. About 5 years ago, she hugged me at Christmas, first time ever, you could have knocked me over with a feather, I am 42.

I watch my my father abuse all of us in our family , I got alway from it when I was 16 stayed with my grand parents , I treat my son good he treats good in return my husband is a great man in my eyes his nothing like my dad , I would never let a man hit me and he knows that to , I am glad I found a better life , I thank god for that every dad after seeing my mom and two brothers beaten by him , Its the fear that hangs over you from liveing like that , I fear him no more he passed away 3 years ago , but all I can say is I love my dad no matter what he did ,he is still my dad .

I too grew up in an extremely abusive environment. I had a lot of trouble relating to people because of my past. I also never married, and never had any children. Only recently did I begin to really understand that I had some very serious choices to make concerning forgiveness, and also accepting responsibility for the adult I am today. As a result, I am happier and more productive adult than I have ever been. I'm finally involved in a healthy relationship as well.

That is a great story. Good for you for stopping the cycle! I grew up on the other hand always being told I was loved and shown love but my mother was not very nice, I will say, in the way she talked to us, more my brother and hit alot! So I always told myself I will never do that to my kids because I remember how much it hurt to see my brother hurting so much. My sister though has carried on that cycle with her boys but even worse at times but I will not let it happen in my home!

I understand just how you feel,I have not received a hug from my mother for about 11 years not and my father is a drunk so he just dont care. But my two children recieve if everytime I can and more. i think love is what keeps a family togeter.

For me and my mom and sister we grew in nothing but abusive relationships. My mom had very bad times and almost lost her life a few times but she always showed us she loved us. She just had really bad taste in men. After so many years of growing and watching my mom get hit and me and my siter I made a promise to myself never to do that. I know have 3 step kids who give me a good run for my money sometimes but never do I feel like I have to hit them to communicate with them. People who are abusers are nothing but big bullies and pus*ies.

There is only one thing that can truly break that cycle in my opinion: the love of God. I can't say that I was abused or never told that I was loved so maybe I have no idea what I am talking about. But I have known and seen what abuse can do to someone and how a relationship with God through Jesus Christ can positivley effect that person. The results of that relationship are the kind of results that I think you might be looking for. I pray that the abuse you recieved will always be point in which that generational abuse stopped.

you have looked at the positive aspect of the abuse happened to you.but most of them are mentally less matured regarding this thing.this makes them do the same thing to their children that they have experienced in their childhood.

Before I comment I would just like to say that you are a very unique and special individual . The abuse that is suffered as a child is usually a cycle becasue that is the only way they know how to deal with a situation or and individual . It is a very hard to break the cycle that is has been so much of your life . The saying what you see is what you will become is so often true . I was never abused as a child but we didn't go around saying we loved each other and I can remember telling my mother that one day and she got very upset with me that you didn't go around telling people . I can remember going to my room and feeling so alone and vowing that if I ever had children I would let them know every day how much I loved them and I would very much like them to tell me how much they loved me . To this day I have five children and I tell them all the time how much I love them and they do the same for me . I also tell my mother and father this as an adult and now they will say it back to me but it took years of saying this to them first before they could actually tell me how they felt about me . I can remember feeling as a child that they didn't care for me .

Yes very true. My dad has never hit me or my brother. He`s been a nice and kind man. And, he`d ofcourse say that his dad used to treat him physically, and verbally, without any proper reason. He had also abused my dad by insulting him infront of relatives. Poor him, he used to punish himself by cutting his skin with a blade/stone, just so that the sins are removed, having done none. But, since both his parents have passed away, he seems to rely completely on my mother and his children(me and my bro.). He`s too kind that he does most of the small home jobs for us. Thanks to him for all that he`s done for us. And i will sure repay him all the moments of joy, by getting the best job in town... It`s all just a dream away..

Hi. I commend you for being something other than the way you were raised. I lost my dad when I was 12 years old and when mom remarried it seemed all the love for us kids that used to be there just came to screaching halt. I lived the rest of my years at home feeling unloved and wanted because my step dad sure didnt pay any attention to us. I have a 14 year old daughter and her birth father wants nothing to do with her but I try to reassure her and give her love that he doesnt. My husband has also been in her life since she was 9 months old and he gives her alot of love and wants to adopt her but her real dad wont let my husband do that. I miss my dad alot and he didnt really hug on us or kiss us but you could tell that he did love us and that is what it is all about.

First I must say that you must be proud that you are not carrying on or repeating your childhood with your children. I highly respect you and what you are doing with your children. My mother was abused as a child and did not repeat that pattern either with her kids. I was shocked when I got older and heard the stories of her childhood and am so thankful and proud that she is my Mom. It is too easy to fall into that pattern, but one has to make a choice and it sounds like you made the right one. You are starting a new tradition for your family, which they will carry on when they have a family. Good for you!

Well its really important to give priority to your children because it is important for offsring's life try give love to your offspring as well as you can....my father kisses me when i m about to sleep so its important because love shopuld be increase its not have to decrease so love to offspring and take from them too..i love my parents very much they loves me too all parents does love to their offsrping..Have fun my friend !

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well sorry to hear that u didn't receive the love u expected from ur parents...but talking abt it when i consider my case i dont hug my parents everyday or tell them i love them nor do they do it but that doesn't mean i don't love them or they don't love me..i understand them very much...i know how my father worked hard to earn for the family...ie for me..,i know how much my mother sacrificed to take care of me...no matter wat they always took care of me...i could never repay my debt to them...so not saying those 3 words and not having a hug everyday frm ur parents doesn't mean they don't love u

I think it depends on the individual's familly conditions.. when u say that u have a big family of seven children means total nine family members.. at times it becomes very difficult for the parents to raise their children in a way they want..most of the time it's just because of the financial pressure. Your parents might had faced some kind of problems, which must had led them to behave in that perticular rough manner ... so u should evaluate the circumstances too. It's great if u r providing yr children that lost affection & love ... keep it up.

I don't really remember those words being spoken in my house either. My dad was very abusive to all of us. I haven't seen my dad in over 10 years, but I see my mom everyday. Everyday we both tell each other I love you. Same goes for my sisters. My brother doesn't speak it much and I don't really see him much either. I tell my husband several times a day and so does he. If we have children, we will tell them. I agree that you have to draw a end to bad upbringings. I had a fight with my family not too long ago. My sister was sexually abused by my dad. She married a man that did inappropriate things to my niece (my other sister's child). My sister would not leave him. I told them that since we are going to allow a person like that into our life, we should allow daddy back. At least he is blood. I am not saying I want him back in our family at all. I am saying if we are going to allow this behavior it ought to be blood. Anyway, I don't speak to my sister much. Only when I run into her at the store or something. Hopefully everything will work out.

I too, grew up with abuse and no love and affection. To this day, my mother, who I rarely see...is so cold-hearted. If you offer her a hug, she freezes stiff. If you tell her you love her, She mumbles something back...but it is never heard or understood. I too, made it my vow, to show my kids at all times, love and affection. It is also made clear, that when they do something wrong...no matter what, I will never disown them or hate them. That punishment is because I love them! My son is 17 and even though he is probably sometimes embarrassed...tells me he loves me and/or a kiss in front of his friends. (Because I have taught him what is most important.) And I know some of his friends feel neglected that they don't share the same with their parents. I feel sad for them for this.