What causes such family dysfunction, from normal families?
By dreamsaving
@dreamsaving (49)
United States
January 25, 2007 10:26am CST
I was abused and molested as a child. I ran away and put myself in foster homes at 15. The first home I was placed in, was to be temporary, until they found a permanent home. I immediately felt loved and cared for by this family. They even wanted to adopt me. As soon as my mom got wind of this, she had me pulled from the home. I just had such fond memeories of being there for that month. There were 4 kids, a mother and father. (I was also told I could not contact them after I left).
Shortly after leaving, the parents divorced.
Shortly after that, the father died.
I had been searching off and on for 27 yrs for the remaining family.
Well last night, out of the blue, after 27 yrs, my foster mother called me. (I had sent ONE random letter and it ended up being sent to her brother...how cool is that?)
Anyways...she told me what has been going on in her and her children's lives.
I was shocked and saddened to hear what happened to 2 of her son's. (Both in prison).
The youngest son has a prison record dating back 20 years.
(I was able to check correctional websites).
My biggest QUESTION....what causes one family to destruct, when the upbringing that I was witness to, was so happy and loving??
To me, it seems, my biological family would be more dysfunctional than what these kids (now adults) should be like. I just don't get it. We had such dysfunction and abuse as children...and my brothers and I, turned out half-way normal. :D
I'm going to write them and ask this same question. "What happened?"
2 people like this
9 responses
@Mommamea (1215)
• United States
26 Jan 07
What a wonderful yet sad story this is. You found love in a home that had it to give. You must be a strong person to go through all that you have been through. That is probably what the foster family didn't have, the strength that you had. People change each and every day. I have been friends with a foster family for years and I saw the difference in the way the parents treat their own children vice the way the treat the foster children. Not that they don't love their own kids but I think it is they feel the foster kids are more needy of love in their lives. My husband once brought up the issue with the foster father and he really hit the roof. He thought my husband was telling him he didn't love his kids as much. When in fact what my husband was telling him was he gave more attention to the foster children and was more physically loving toward the foster kids. He punished his own children in a different way. Like they were afraid to punish the foster kids because of the abuse the kids had endured in their past and they didn't want the kids to feel that in their home. The foster father apologized to my husband and admitted that after hearing that he thought about it and realized my husband was right. The foster family took a break from having foster kids for a while and you really saw a difference in the kids. The family was more loving towards each other. The have started having foster kids again and you see the difference in a good way. We saw the resentment from the biological kids towards the foster kids. It was like they had to work harder to win the love of the parents. Could it be that there was resentment from your foster families kids as well growing up? It could have been they didn't feel the love in the family that they were able to give to foster children. I am glad you have found your foster mother and hope you stay strong in your life.
@dreamsaving (49)
• United States
26 Jan 07
Everything that you said makes sense. Especially about treating foster kids differently, as opposed to your own kids.
I am certain that this would affect a biological child. I have actually had some experience with what you said. I have been raising my 18yr old brother for 4 1/2 yrs now. (Prior to this, I had met him, maybe 3 times). So it has been like having a foster child in the home, to some degree. My kids have complained that I do not ground or punish him, like I do them.
It is true. The reason is, he has suffered severe abuse and neglect. So normally, I am more sensitive to his individual needs. I just want him to learn proper ways of treating people and acting.
Now my own kids...I feel they already should know better, because of the ways they were taught, their entire lives. And most often, their discipline is due to them testing me and/or the rules.
My brother is given more of a "3 strike rule"....but at the same time, the kids were taught with this same rule....they just used up their strikes.
@keziahlady (218)
• Philippines
26 Jan 07
We are responsible on ourselves.We cannot say that because of Him or her i become like this or that... U have the control of your life. Its your choice u made today that makes u who u are tomorrow.
Family, friends and environment had influence in our lives but its our choice to make. Would u follow ur family& friend's advice?or your own desire? what about the commandments of God? would you like to be closer to God or not? Would u like to live and hatred and forgiveness? meaning the decision is your not them. It all comes from your own volition. Right?
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
26 Jan 07
i think it has to do with peer pressure or the environment they were in...when your with them your still a teen-ager and just stay not long enough to know the real situation...
@men82in (1268)
• India
26 Jan 07
Family dysfunction due to many reasons. While Iwas alclholic my family was such.Presently i felt the normalcy of my family. Also the poverty I facedbefore a decade due to less salary,it is also the effect of a family mainly to the child.The monotory level is fixing a family"s fate and of functions.
@deadman007 (189)
• India
26 Jan 07
i agree with u that a person can get disturbed with such upbringing but the person should himself get adjusted tot he situation n.......maintian him self........if u u along with the family then its of no use u should.....held ur head up.n make things turn around
@worthy (2413)
• India
26 Jan 07
Truth is stranger than fiction.What happenned was a very unfortunate turn of events.The cause may lie in bad company,improper guidance,inappropraite ways of instilling moral values or simply lack of financial support. Happy for the fact that you turned out to be a healthy normal adult.God bless you and all children in need.
@kathy77 (7486)
• Australia
26 Jan 07
Oh this is a wonderful story and I don't blame you for running away as I did the same when I was 15 years old, and tried looking for my real family I did find them but it took me 40 odd years so the omen is never give up. Yes unfortunately some people go off the rails as they call it and end up in jail. But good luck with your foster mother and I do hope that from now on you can keep intouch that would be so cool.
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
26 Jan 07
As a person gets older , they influence of family doesn't always seem as important . It is possible they got mixed with a bad group of friends and it took off from there . There are so many choices we are given in life and it only takes one bad choice to make a mess of your life . He could have been upset with his family for what would be minor but for him , it might have seemed major at the time . Each child handles situations differently and as a parent all we can do is hope we did the right thing .
Look at yourself for example , you came from a bad background and could have turned out so differently but by reading your posts you sound like a very strong and capable person who make very wise choices in your life .
