A really hard question
By ljcapps
@ljcapps (1925)
United States
January 26, 2007 4:06am CST
I just read a post about a person's father's will, now my dad and I have had only one discussion about this and all he asked me was "What do you want when I die?" I know it isn't true but I like to think my dad is ornery enough to keep death at bay. I need to know how to broach the subject with him again so I can find out what HE wants done. Espically since he has gotten married(for the fifth time at fifty!) and his new wife has four children of her own. I told my dad the two things I wanted butI need to know what he wants to go to whom. And who the executer is. I just don't want to admit that some day(hopefully in the far future)that he will die.
7 people like this
12 responses
@fluffleshark (810)
• Ireland
26 Jan 07
Yes this is a difficult one!!! And I'm afraid I don't have any personal experience to go by to give you advice! So I'll just try and imagine how I would broach it.
What sort of a person is your Dad? Is he the type of person who you could sit down and have a serious chat with, without him taking offense or getting too uncomfortable? If he is, then maybe just approach it simply and honestly. You can maybe say something like 'I need to talk to you about something which is on my mind, because I would hate it if you were, heaven forbid, in a car accident or something and it was too late...' By mentioning an accident, which is something that can happen at any age, it wouldn't sound like you think he's so old that he's about to die at any minute.
I think maybe just be truthful and say that, although you HATE bringing this up, you really want to do things right for him if something were to happen to him, so you fell you must discuss it with him.
Do you have a will, or life insurance? If you DON'T, then maybe you could mention that you're looking into getting something like that for yourself in case something were to happen to you. That could possibly be a way to ease into the subject.
Anyway, best of luck with that. DO discuss it though - I think it's worse having something like that hanging over your head.
3 people like this
@TammyL (39)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I agree, I think the best way to bring the subject up is to mention that you are looking into getting your affairs in order. I have learned from my own life that it is best to be prepared. I think that most people leave their final wishes to chance and they are not caried out. I also think that everyone should get things in order before they pass away so as not to leave such a burden for those left behind. What I mean is for example when my own father passed away it was very hard for the family he left behind to put things in order. My mother had some what of a break down. So I had to figure out how to get him from the hospital to his final resting place. I was so confused and hurt that I don't really know how I did it. I could barely drive myself around to make the arrangements because of the emotional strain. One day I had to pull over on the freeway because I was crying and shaking. I almost hurt myself and an innocent driver. Anyway, noone knows how the people they leave will take their dying and getting things in order may make things just a little easier.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I would love to sit down with him and discuss this but there is one small problem, actually about 800 small problems I live in another state and I am not sure that this is a sublect that should be handled over the phone. I have to say that your idea of bring up a hypothetical situation sounds like it might work. My dad tries not to get into seroius discussions anymore. He retired out of the military and was way too serious for WAY too long.
1 person likes this
@fluffleshark (810)
• Ireland
27 Jan 07
Yes you're right - probably not a telephone conversation lol! Do you see him ever over holidays? Are you planning a trip there sometime in the near future? If not, and if this is REALLY gnawing you, maybe it would be worthwhile organising a visit?
I sympathise with you re: having to bring this up with someone who doesn't like 'serious talk'. I have the same problem, though slightly diff. circumstances, with my hubby. I keep on trying to bring up the topic of us making arrangements for our daughter if something should happen to both of us, but he doesn't want to talk about something 'so morbid'... Difficult!
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
26 Jan 07
Maybe he has discussed this with his new wife. Maybe he feels she is to be the executer. I know that probably is hard to think of because he was married for the fifth time...my father was married four times. ha ha
But maybe you should just come out and ask him who he feels that his executor should be. This way, if he says that it is his wife, you will know to take a step back on the topic.
It is hard sometimes for people to talk about their will...because then they have to admit that the end will come.
2 people like this
@polachicago (18716)
• United States
27 Jan 07
My parents where talking to me about so many times. I want them to be alive. Hard one. You are a child as long as your parents are alive.
@Ridgydidge (558)
• Australia
27 Jan 07
Do you have any siblings that you can see if your father has talk to them about this? It is not an easy subject to talk about but it is better to have one uncomfortable chat to your father now, than not know what he wants when his time comes.
Even if you only get the name of the executer from him, plans can be made from there. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Siblings? Yes I have two sisters. Regrettably they don't seem to have time for my dad unless it is around the holidays or they want something. I am trying to rebuild burnt bridges between my full sister but I doubt I will ever get things straight from my half-sister. I highly doubt that my dad had brought this topic up with them.
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
27 Jan 07
well yeah it is a very hard question ..but you have to face the reality of it..and you did..great...having a will is a must if a parent esp..your father who have married many times...its at least lessen the confusion on whom it will be given or whatever...however in my case esp. in our country executing a will is not so common esp. to those who belong to the middle and lower class...
@XxAngelxX (2830)
• Canada
27 Jan 07
I have asked my mother this question and I found that the easiest way was just to come out and just ask her what she wanted done. She told me she didn't care, but I told her that I wanted to know and it was very important to me to know what SHE wanted done.
1 person likes this
@kgwat70 (13387)
• United States
27 Jan 07
This is really a hard question to answer as the main thing is you do not want to think about him dying. I am not sure what I would say to my dad if he asked me that question. My neighbor even asked me the same thing since we are such close friends and I was speechless. I do not like hearing my family or friends talking about when they die. Everyone should have a will and and living will and power of attorney done to make sure everything goes to the people he or she designates.
@kerbausama (1335)
• Malaysia
27 Jan 07
just be honest of yourself.
there something will came true and we need to face..
..
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I have done nothing wrong. It is just that my dad is about as subtle as a freight train. If he HAS to discuss something that makes him uncomfortable he comes right to the point and gets it over with. Why do you assume that I have done something wrong? How would YOUR parents ask you what you would like them to leave you when they go on to the next life?
@balaji_civil (190)
• India
27 Jan 07
this is really a hard question.what i thinking is being a great son for the father u have take care those childrens of his another wife.this what i want to convey to u...........
@gemini1960 (1161)
• Philippines
27 Jan 07
in our family my father need not execute any will coz he have nothing to shared or leave us in the event that he will pass away...were not rich but happy....but for me executing a will is best needed to those families who have many properties and parents who have married many times ..its hard to tell who will get those things without executing a will...
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Ok, but what happens when there are heirlooms that more than one child wants? Believe me my dad is not "rich". He has worked his butt off for everything he owns. Which compared to most upper-class socialites doesn't amount to much it is still nice to know what He wants to give to whom.
