Am I over reacting? Husband gets second mortgage w/out consulting me.
By sylviekitty
@sylviekitty (2083)
United States
January 27, 2007 11:57am CST
I'll try to keep this short.
We had a company come out here and put new windows in our home- they replaced all the old windows except for the front living room, because that one is big, and would be real expensive to do (and we weren't sure what we wanted there- bay, bowed, picture window, etc). So then we get all this other work done to the house, because of some storm damage. The same company is doing that work, and they were nice enough to give us a bit of a discount to get our front window done when they put in new siding, roof, etc..
Well, the company financing the loan for the other windows does not want to tack on the new one. SO.. somebody from another bank calls, says they're willing to lend us the money to pay off the other loan, plus give us extra for bills if we need it. My hubby jumps at the chance! So here we are- not a year and a half after buying our first house, we're getting a "second mortgage". It's about 14% of what our original loan on the house was, so you get an idea. Not HUGE, but still a big deal. I have no say in the matter. I have already been called by this guy at the bank to schedule the first of two walk-through's.
Which brings me to my second biggest irritation in the matter. Not only do I get no say, but I have to clean the f*^king house for these people! They come out here day after tomorrow, and my husband has yet to lift a finger to help clean or anything. This really p*sses me off!
Ok, so we could use some of this money for the bills we owe, and we need the window. But come on!!! Wouldn't you be upset if your husband did this, too?!
14 people like this
59 responses
@kgwat70 (13388)
• United States
28 Jan 07
He should have consulted with you about getting a second mortgage as it should be a joint decision and not one person in your marriage. I think that was terrible that he did not talk to you and does not help out with cleaning the house. I do not feel that you are overreacting about this situation. This is a very important decision that needs to be discussed by both husband and wife.
2 people like this
@sweets9900 (726)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I would definately be upset. When your in a marriage decisions are suppose to me made together and both parties are suppose to be involve in matters such as this.
2 people like this
@Jellen (1852)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Your have a right to be upset. Marriage should include communication. Someone must take the lead, but in this case, there was only one taking the ball and rolling it. What is done is done. Forgive, but make it clear how you feel, and help the decision to be a successful one for the sake of your family.
@lauriefnp (5109)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I would be extremely upset. I thought that marriage was a "partnership". At least that is how I think of it. Maybe what he did will work out for the best; it sounds as if it might have been a good financial move. You have all of the debt consolidated now, and the house will be more energy efficient with new windows, siding, and roof. But the point is that you should have discussed this together. Your husband should have consulted you and asked your opinion. Maybe you would have preferred to shop around for a better interest rate or a better deal. He needs to understand that you are an equal partner in the marriage and that your opinion is valid. AND I would be sure that he spent this weekend helping you clean! No matter what! He can't even use football as an excuse this weekend!
1 person likes this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Well let's see: playing on the computer til about 15 minutes ago, now watching tv. LOL
He did say something to the effect of "I got us into this mess, I'll get us out of it". However, I still don't appreciate really having no say in it. I also think it could work out, but I'm just so friggin' irritated right now.
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
28 Jan 07
the only good news here is that there IS NO football this weekend. It's an off week since the superbowl is next Sunday. He has no excuse!!!!!
@p8ntballr21 (857)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Haha you got that much right. Super Bowl is going to be every mans excuse next weekend!
I agree, he should have talked to you about it.
@sylvrrain (659)
• United States
27 Jan 07
If the property is in both of your names, then he can't do it by himself without your approval. As for cleaning, they are coming to look at the basic structure of the home, to see if it is worth what they are loaning you, not to look at your personal things.
If you agree with the new window, and paying off your other bills, then go for it. If not, then do not sign anything.
The bad thing about second mortgages and refinancing is the cost. Sure it looks good at the moment, but later it could be a financial burden which cost so much more in the long run. If the company comes to your house with the paperwork, take a look at how much you will pay over the lifetime of the loan. Trust me, it will cost more than you could imagine.
I would suggest to your husband to think about this. Stick with what you have, and start paying the bills you are talking about, then start saving for your new window. It may take a little longer to get everything you want, but the cost would be a whole lot less and you will not be paying for it for the next 10-12 years.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I am on the fence about this. This is definitely something that you should have been consulted about. This is YOUR HOUSE also, not just his. However, if he is the one who is primary money maker and he is the one paying the bills, then he has a right to do what he feels is best for his family. What does the family say? And, what is the plan for once the loan goes through? The issues don't stop there, they only begin. What bills will be added? What will you do to prevent these bills from jumping up again? What other situations do you foresee that we need to nip in the butt right now.
14% added to a house note is a TREMENDOUS deal, don't try to say that it's nothing to rationalize yourself to calm down. Tell him, that since this is done, and you can see why he did this, you will sign off on what needs to be signed off. However, he needs to sign off on a personal contract between you two, as well.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
As for family, I told my sister about it just to vent, and she thinks he's crazy. LOL I think his family would feel the same way. We just haven't talked to them lately.
And you're right. It IS a tremendous deal.
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I've got news for you. You have to sign the second mortgage, too! If you are on the original loan for the house, you are one of the owners, therefore whoever told you that you have no rights approving this loan is full of cr@p! Dont clean the house, let your husband handle the people and you go out for awhile and do something you want to do. These second mortgage offers are too high in interest and risky.
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I would be fuming- Marriage is a joint partnership.. That means finances and all. This sounds like back in the Leave it to Beaver days when the husband would work and make the decisions and the wife stayed home raised the kids, cleaned the home, etc. Every big decision and this is a big one when it entitles money and a 2nd mortgage (already).. should be talked over and agreed upon together-
Do you work too? Why are you the only one cleaning the house?? If he made the decision he should pick up a broom--
SOunds like you 2 need to talk this over-- Otherwise you will be harboring this ill feelings towards him.
and Show him where the vacuum is-- He can help!!!
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I'll show him where I'm going to stick the vacuum! LOL!
I don't work. I stay home with our kids. We couldn't afford day care. Thankfully one is in preschool, and the other starts kindergarten next fall.
Every time I do talk about this loan, it ends up in a fight. He think I'm ridiculous for being upset about it.
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
27 Jan 07
This sight is going to be very informative for me..it's only my second day and I was shocked when I saw this discussion because my husband of almost 5 yrs. did the same exact thing to me, only he took out a 2nd mort. to buy a new truck. I had no idea he did this either until the people were looking at our house. I was totally p*&$d off...it's still a really sore subject in our house a year later because he thinks it's no big deal to this day. Having a discussion about it when I calmed down now seems like a waste of time for me because he thinks to this day, I didn't have a reason to be upset and I overreacted..so in this house one of us learned nothing for sure. I thought we were a partnership that would be working together which means one person doesn't make a huge decision like that on their own because it affects the other person. I think you have every right in the world to be upset about it...I was (and still am i guess)
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. :( I wonder what my husband would do if I told him I bought myself a car? LOL (well, I'd have to come up with something better, because we just recently bought one).
I'd love to tell my sister-in-law about this. Her ex husband used to pull stuff like this ALL the time. Still does, with his new wife.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Yes, because borrowing money is something BOTH partners in a relationship have to be in agreement on! Why didn't he even discuss this with you? Was the interest rate on the loan for the windows higher than this second mortgage? I mean, you can deduct the interest on a 2nd mortgage, but I'm not sure if you can do the same on other loans (depends on your state laws). Do you need the other window now, or can you wait until the bill is paid down some? Be careful of borrowing too much of your equity--when you get close to the 80% point, rates can go up.
1 person likes this
@dmajkc (196)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Ok, so he did this. Are you angry about that or the fact that all the people are coming by for the walkthrough?
I too think he should have consulted you. It doesn't
seem like he did it out of malice though. Maybe he
just felt like the stuff was needed and didn't think
about your reaction.
But, that being said. He should help you clean up for
this walk-through coming up :D
1 person likes this
@Anael34 (69)
• United States
28 Jan 07
He should of talk to you about it. It is a marriage and you need to be involve and no you are not over reacting. So just talk to him and let him know how you feel calm words and that it hurt you. If he gets defensive then end discussion and walk away and let him come to you when he is ready to talk about it.
Blessings
Anna
@Savingsibes (175)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Since my husband is in the Mortgage Business, maybe I can give a scenario to you. More than likely when your husband made the fatal (lol) mistake of answering the phone and the Mortgage Company was on the other end, they gave him a too good to be true, get it while you can, no one else will offer better yada yada, and your husband jumped at the chance of getting the window you both agreed was needed, and the ability to pay off other perhaps higher interest debts. I am almost certain that the thought of speaking to you first didn't occur to you, because several factors came into play. The person on the other end of the phone gets commission on the call if it turns into a deal. They then turn you over to a Mortgage Broker on the spot and try to sign you up before you have a chance to hang that phone up. It seems they caught him at the right time so to speak.
I would venture to say that if your husband had a chance to discuss it with you prior, he would have. Since he does refer to it as a "mess", at least he sees his error.
On a more positive note, second mortgage's are often a good way to go when you want a fixed amount for a set time. You obviously have enough equity in your home to allow for the added debt, and after a few years, you can refinance the entire loan and be back to where you started.
You have every right to feel neglected in this matter, but I hope that hearing the process makes the pill a little easier to swallow.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thank you. Maybe it's just me, but I like to understand what I'm getting in to when signing away on something so huge! LOL
All I know is that the company who installs the windows, was told by the company financing the first batch of windows, that they would not pay for this new one. The company then called this guy from a bank, who then explained what would happen, to my husband. They talked all about it, then sort of filled me in half-a$$ed, later.
I do appreciate your comments. :) It's nice to hear your perspective on the matter.
@Savingsibes (175)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Sylviekitty maybe you should go to your local Bank where you regularly do business and have someone in their Mortgage/Finance Department just take a quick look at the paperwork you have thus far.
I got chills when I saw that the contracter referred this company to you. I hate to see anyone taken advantage of. You never know, the bank may have a better offer for you, so not only can you cram the new loan papers up hubbies nose, you can show him exactly how large purchases and major decisions should be made. ;)
@claudia413 (4280)
• United States
27 Jan 07
It sounds like your husband thinks he's living in the stone age. "I'm the man...I make all the decisions", etc. It's a matter of control on his part as far as I'm concerned.
I feel it's grossly unfair of him to expect you to do all the cleaning up by yourself. My husband would be right by my side doing his share of the cleaning...and maybe even more than his share. However, let me also say that my husband expects me to do all the dealing with people involved in home buying, mortgages, second mortgages, etc. This is because of my background in real estate and law (over 30 years total). I'm just glad that one of us has some knowledge about those things, and I'm very glad that he's a big help around the house.
One thing you should remember is that if the property is in both names, both have to sign the papers. In your shoes, I'd be just as upset as you are, and I certainly hope things work out okay.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Well, the thing I can't figure out is that despite the fact I have yet to sign a thing, obviously the loan process is far enough along (w/out any inspections) to get our window here. The company we ordered the window from, was the one who called this guy giving us our new loan, to say the previous loan would not allow us to tack this last window on... by the time I do sign anything, the window will have already been installed, unless I turn into a witch and tell them I don't want it. But frankly, my husband is determined to get this extra money to pay off these other cards. I don't mind getting a cheaper window, or waiting on it period. He does.
My husband does do some cleaning now and then. I'm not suggesting he never cleans. As for this guy coming over, and cleaning for the initial walk-thru, no he really hasn't done anything yet. He has mentioned it, but I think now that most of the day is gone, he'll cram a whole day of cleaning into tomorrow. LOL Typical male!!
I hope things work out ok, too. It was scary enough buying our first home, and now we're already moving on to second mortgages! ACK!! (all because of a stupid window!)
@TerryZ (22076)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I dont get how this can be done you have everything in both your names. This is just not possible. And as far as the cleaning they are not coming to look at how clean the house is they are looking at the structure of the house.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Yes, when the first guy comes out, he doesn't care about cleanliness. Personally, I DO. When you have somebody out to do an inspection, to do an appraisal, from everything I have read, you want your house clean.
@cindyspassions (510)
• Lampe, Missouri
28 Jan 07
wow i would be mad to. my hubby comes in all the time buying trucks and cars and stuff like that with out talking to me that makes me made but when it comes to talking about big things like the house and all we try to talk about it and deside together. sorry that your hubby did not talk to you. did you ask him why he did it with out talking to you? he may have wanted to suprize you and that was shy he did not talk to you first.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
28 Jan 07
No, there was no surprise about it. He's doing it because of the mess of bills, and he figured this was the best way to get out of the mess. He figured telling me about it after he decided to do it was good enough.
@thewatchlist (653)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Are you on the loan? I can understand where you would be angry but if you aren't on the loan then you legally have no say.
It is a much better deal to get a 2nd mortgage than it would be to finance it via a buy here pay here type thing though. Mortgage interest is tax deductible (and typically at a lower rate than credit cards and buy here pay here stuff).
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Well, I do know that the new loan is at a lower interest rate than the original loan- of the windows we bought a few months ago. We had wanted to put this new window (the cost of it) onto that loan, but that company freaked and said no way. So this is why we were referred to this particular guy/bank. He will give us the money to pay off the other/old loan, plus some extra that my husband will use for debt consolidation. We will (as I said) end up with a lower interest rate, in the process. That is good, of course. However, the loan is obviously for double the amount now. I'm assuming that yes, I am on the loan. But if it's a 2nd mortgage, don't I have a say? I mean, can a husband or wife just walk into the bank by themselves and get a 2nd mortgage or like a home equity line of credit, w/out any signature from their spouse? (I see it's easier for the man, probably).
@pebbles724 (642)
• United States
27 Jan 07
Yes, I would be upset if my husband did this to me. It would have been nice if he had talked about it with you first, to get your input before going ahead and getting the second mortgage. Are you a stay at home Mom? If he is the only one working, that could be the reason he did this. Because he feels that since you don't contribute to paying any of the bills it is his decision to make. But even if that is true, he still should have asked you what you thought about it first.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
28 Jan 07
He says now that if I don't want the window, I should call the company and tell them not to bring it out, then call the guy from the bank and cancel the loan proceedings. LOL I told him he got us into this mess, he can get us out of it! HAHAHA!
@inked4life (4224)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thats a pretty big decision to make without talking to your spouse about it. I would be seriously pi$$ed. I think I'd be laying down the law and make him help get the house ready.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
28 Jan 07
He's actually cleaning his office now. I figured he'd wait til the last minute. LOL
