Because I have thoughts and feelings, too

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I'm not happy. and when i'm not happy, i notice, my hair suffers. how? last year around this time, i cut quite a bit of my hair off and dyed it some horrible auburn with chunks of blonde. why i thought this would be a good idea, i'll never know. but i do know that every time i looked in the mirror, i felt removed. that's not me. it was more disparity than i'm used to... when i really get to thinking about it, why does it damn matter so damn much? it's just hair. i don't consider myself a vain person, but i feel that i go out of my way to prove this to myself. but purposely not caring for weeks at a time. no makeup + no trying = not vain. right? right? ugh. it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, or at least that's what i tell myself. but the thought of me losing my long, lustrous locks is akin to losing myself, which might be nice, but it's all i know. i may retain the need to comb my phantom hair. perhaps out of comfort. i seek approval by not actively seeking approval. i crave attention, but when i get it, i find myself wanting to disappear. why am i so contrary? why am i so suddenly pensive on a friday? do i need a drink? if i don't like being classified as this, that and the other, why do i have such a problem with not knowing how to/what define(s) myself? what are people, really? our jobs? our education? our roles? our memories? our moods? our appearances? our desire? then i've begun thinking seriously about what might be wrong with me. if i am actually bi-polar, do i want to be medicated? no, no i do not. because as hopeless and brooding as i might feel somedays, other days are transcendent, and worth anything just to taste, if only for a moment. i don't want to be a robot. i don't want people telling me how i should feel. i don't want happy pills. i don't want my mood to come prepackaged in a bottle. i don't want to try to be all the happy bulls*it smiling things that i'm not. i don't want forced perfection. [a barrage of thoughts, ricocheting through my mind like bees confined in a hive. i just want some peace. i just want to go home. but home isn't here…...]