Age of Marriage

I'm getting married because I feel like it and there probably aren't going to be any other formal experiences in my life so I want to do it while I'm still able to enjoy it. I really don't see what the big deal is about "becoming an adult". If you're referring to mental state, I've always been an adult. Until I was 4, I was never around children and was constantly around my parents' work associates and friends and I was never spoken to like a child, so my mental capacity developed quickly and ever since, I have never been able to assimilate to or understand "children". And I ask again, what is the big deal about marriage? What work did you not realize you had to do within a marriage?

it is interesting the word Love is not mentioned very much in this discussion!

You seem to think that marriage is no work at all. However it is harder to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of living with someone. Usually you take the name of the other person as your own. That means that you are now connected to them in many more ways than just by the ring on your finger. Your credit becomes connected...your taxes become connected...even your work places become connected because you have to decide how you will deal with taxes and stuff. There is more to it than just "living together forever". Do you realize that? When you marry someone you are pledging to never end the relationship. You have an out when you are living together. When you marry someone you are accepting them as they are...imperfections and all forever. You complained about your fiance's inlaws in an earlier post. You are marrying him...that means you are becoming a member of their family. Are you prepared to accept them imperfections and all? See, that is the trouble..when you are not married you can complain all you want. But once married to this person then you have to live with it. Complaining won't make you feel better as often anymore because you have to go to the family functions etc and be civil and polite. You act as though marriage is a cakewalk. You have to understand the ramifications of marrying someone and that getting a divorce is actually not supposed to happen. I realize that where you live there are "drive up" marriage shops and all but the fact is, marriage is not a "walk in the park" (excuse the cliche). I agree with DRoddy as well. As one who got married young and ended up not staying that way because my ex could not be faithful to me, I understand what it is like to try to make a troubled marriage work. It mostly doesn't if there are problems as big as ours were LOL. But, in your case my worry with you would be is that you are very glib about it. You have an attitude toward anyone that disagrees with you which makes me think your hubby to be probably can't say boo to you without getting a dirty look. Marriage is hard work and apparently you will find out the hard way. Things that come up in marriage never come up in a live together situation. Does your hubby know you don't want kids right away? See, if he wants kids right away and you don't, he can get the marriage annulled then and there simply because you do not want the life he wants. (And vice versa). Did you know that if one of you goes nuts and has to be put into an institution that the marriage can be annulled by the other partner? My guess is that you didn't. How about life changing events like terminal illness, old age that sort of thing...are you willing to live with your partner thru parkinson's disease or cancer? Is he willing to put up with you thru that? When you marry someone you marry everything about them. When you are living with someone you may think you are committed to them but you only have to walk out and never come back if you don't want to be there anymore. Everything is connected when you are married. When you are married one of you might have a health plan the other can share. There are advantages there is no doubt but there are also disadvantages for those that seem to think that it is no work at all. Once you are in getting out is not the same as before. You are very young to be getting married and you should not expect that it will be one big smoochy smoochy love-fest.

I don't quite get what you mean. How is there a "proper" age? And what exactly will lead to "a happy life in way of maturity? Waiting or getting married?

I'm aware of the concept of an age gap. I was asking why those specific ages were "proper" or "mature". Why *should* a woman be 22? Why *should* a man wait until he's 27?

I would guess those are just ages someone pulled out of the air. I know of no legitimate reason for those ages.

Sorry but vague "that's not what marriage is" is not a response. Also, marriage is what you make it, there is no universal definition, just becuase I will not conduct my marriage the way you do does not make me "wrong", "immature", or "not ready".

I already did that, thank you. And I have also already posted my reasons.

P.S. You didn't answer my question, you just retated my initial comment. *What* is the difference? People seem to act like marriage itself is this major commitment, like it popped out of thin air and a few words and a peice of paper magically fabricated a lifelong commitment. I'm asking Why do people keep commenting that "it's so much different". Can you tell me *how*? Don't berate me, explain it. You're living with a man whom you've already borne a child to. How would being married to him make your relationship different or somehow more valid?

I'd like to know where this rampant ignorant assumption that not being legally bound to someone automatically means that one is going to simply "run out" at any sign of conflict. Just because you're not capable of being commited or involved enough without a legal contract to stick to something doesn't mean everyone else is as weak-minded as you.

Why can't I do that with my husband? I'm getting married, not becoming a hermit. How does being married stop me from having a career?

What I don't understand is what it is that I'm supposed to be supposedly taking my time to enjoy before I get married? You say "single life", but I'm not single now and I haven't been for several years now. So I don't see what the difference is.

it is really our personal choice as to when it is best time to get married. in marriage, age maybe a factor but 21 is just okay. most of us though will think that it will be better to spend more time as a single person and enjoy single life fully before getting married. but for me though, it is emotional maturity which counts more when one will be considering going into some serious relationship like marriage.

Ooops, and I forgot to mention. My grandma got married at 12 years old. lol. She had 16 kids and I have I think millions of cousins, hahaha. So when people say you're too young, think of my grandma. :).

Wow! That's really something! Well, I don't think that it matters what age you when you get married. As long as you're inlove and secured that you'll be able to deal with married life, that's fine. Cheers to all! :)

Dayna, you don't know jack about me, so get over yourself.

Omg!! Hurry and get ordained, there is NO ONE here that even knows what a handfasting is, much less how to do one. Wanna go to Vegas next May? lol

Thanks so much. I want to ask, though: What do you think is the difference between marriage and co-habitation, becuase I really don't see one.

The difference is a piece of paper and some kind of for ceremony that announces to the world your intentions. Your love. I plan to study so that I can marry others in both somewhat traditional ways and also handfastings. I want to write ceremonies that speak of love and sharing a life together, not of possesion or obeying others. In some ceremonies, obviously handfasting, God won't be mentioned. Well maybe the lady and the green man.

The last paragraph is my main concern. We both have severe health problems and to me it would be easier to be legally bound in case something happened and make it easier to share insurances. Also, he's going to be living overseas in a couple of years and wants me to go with him. I just don't feel right being just a "girlfriend" living off of him in a place where I am culturally and linguistically incapable of taking care of myself. As for the problems you mentioned, I don't forsee anything like that since we talk about everything before anything happens. I don't think there's any major change that might arise that we haven't already discussed. Miscommunication or lack thereof are the main causes of the types of problems you mentioned.

Thanks so much for your support. It's good to know someone else can see that I know what I'm doing.

You are right about the communication issues. I should have talked to my hubby BEFORE we got married about the money issues and credit cards. He just assumed that we would combine everything and I assumed that things would stay the same. He finally is starting to understand that I need to keep my finances separate from his, not because I don't want to share that part of my life, but because it helps me to retain part of me as a separate person from him. I hope that makes sense. I think you are doing the right thing for you and your relationship. If he is going overseas and you want to be with him, it will be easier if you are married first. Also, I gather from reading your other postings and discussions that you and your partner have thought this out and considered everything. I think that you are mature enough to know your own mind and what is best for you. Age is just a number. It doesn't make us any wiser just because we are older. I have met 15 year olds who are so old already it breaks your heart. I have met 40 year old who act as though they are 5. I wish you and your fellow the best of luck and I am sure that you both will be very happy in your marriage. You sound very smart and like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I'm aware of the implication which is exactrly what makes it so insulting. How does some stranger on the street have any right to accuse me of being immature? What makes you assume so? Age and maturity are not always mutually exclusive.

First of all, I said they are NOT mutually exclusive. Age and maturity are not the same thing. There are hundreds of ignorant older people as well as enlightened younger people. And I have no idea what physical maturity has to do with anything. Why did you bring that up? I have no idea what you're talking about.

You are right age and maturity is mutualy exclussive. If you sure you are matured you will be able to marry, because you are physically matured.

How is it young?

How does not understanding why I'm being stigmatized make me immature? It's called a diffrence of opinion and generally I try to understand when someone attacks me like people have been doing, do to a difference of opinion. Anyone would do the same, I don't see how that makes me "very young" for trying to understand the mindset of others. Nor how marriage is going to magically cure me of it.

i guess you really are very young yet,,,you still dont know why people are telling you that 21 is still young to get married. Well, anyway, when you are into marriage it will help you mature and learned many things and hopefully marriage will work just right.

I really don't understand what you said. I'm nott good at deciphering broken English. What I think you said is that just wanting to get married isn't a good enough reason for you. What do you think a good reason is? I'm EXTREMELY insulting that you dare to assume that I don't know what marriage is. Are you even aware of how many people don't need a stupid piece of paper to prove that they'll stay together? Just because I choose to get married not NOT mean that I have to think it's some huge deal. And not thinking is a huge deal does NOT mean that I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't think you are understanding my question. What I asked was why getting married at my age is such a huge deal. Why does a legal peice of paper make my promise to him more valid?

I did not insult you, I did not attack you. I'm sorry if that's how you took it, but that's not really my fualt or my problem. I simply said I found your post difficult to understand. You tell me that my reason to want to be married is invalid, but you give no explination as to why. You say you "don't condone" my marriage, yet you turn atound and say that you and your spouse were younger than me and mine. That's called hypocrisy. You said something about "French benefits"? Were you trying to say "fringe benefits". If so, then what do you think they are? A commitment, is a commitment, is a commitment. How is one more valid than another? What are these "fringe benefits" that I'm supposedly indulging in outside of marriage? What makes them any different than how one behaves when they're married? And I have absolutely no clue whatsoever what you mean by "you have not once mention why you want to get married as exposed to common law". That sentence makes no sense at all. And as far as "experienced life yet". First of all, the people who tell me this are complete strangers on the street who have no idea who I am nor what I've yet and expereinced, so therefore they have no right to judge me as if they know. And what does that mean anyway? "experienced life". What is this supposed life that I am supposed to experience that I can't when I'm married? And last but not least, I never asked for advice on anything. I asked why people feel the need to judge my relationship, commitment and future marriage based solely on my age.

You might want to start spell checking your own post before you start insulting me. I can not understand why you cannot reply to a discussion without the personal attacks. I had no problem understanding your question. Now what part of my reply could you not comprahand? I don't get you. You start a discussion asking for our advice and then you attack our replies. If you are not going to except all points of view then perhaps you should not start discussions about your personal life. I would be happy to add to your discussion and answer your questions, but honestly I'm tired of your attitude. Good luck!

I dunno. Too many people presume that anyone under the age of 25 is and ignorant, naive child who can't make any decisions for themselves. It's so stupid.

so presumptuous! they think that early twenties are too young to decide for their own! duhhh!

huh! why would i regret it? i mean some people are mature enough even if they are in early age. and u cant say that people will regret if they married at young age. marrying at old age doesnt make u sure that it will last. its up to the two of them to make it last.

Thank you.

That's right!"as long as you are mature enough to handle it"!You must be a mature woman.and you have a nice family! Have a good day!

I'm already in a serious relationship and have been for three years.

Thank you so much for your supposrt. I wish more people had your sense.

I just hope you don't let what others deem to be right or wrong take away the fact that you and your Hubby to be are in love and doing what makes you guys happy, I do not understand why some people try to bring you down or put judgement on that. I hope your special day is just the way you wanted it to be and that you and you fiance enjoy yourselves, it is your day and no one elses. Once again all the best.

Um, okay. That's great for you, but I hardly see what bearing that has on me and my life. Thanks for your response, though.

"P.S. - do you think maybe they were jealous?" I guess they could have been? They were just to condescending and rude. Most of them were laughing at me and calling me "just a baby". Another new fun thing I've discovered, getting closer to my date and getting more into planning is that people seem unwilling to treat me like a bride. Also, my sister who is actually 6 years younger than me, looks older than me and people are ALWAYS looking to her whenever we go anywhere to plan or book things for the wedding. It really hurts.

It really is unfair that people make judgements at all, but especially based on age or looks. Hang in there.

Thank you very much for your response. I'm glad to see at least someone understands what I'm saying ^_^