My friend's sister died. What can I do to help him through it?
@eslproofreader (517)
United States
February 1, 2007 5:47pm CST
I have a newer friend that I met at the dog park. As luck would have it, we live in the same subdivision, which gives us more opportunities to run into each other. We get on so well (especially because he can always make me laugh). Just a few months ago, his 28-year-old younger sister was diagnosed with cancer (on her birthday, no less). She passed away earlier in the week and was buried yesterday. I met up with my friend today, at the dog park, of course, and he really wanted to talk to me about it. I had to resist the urge to be pessimistic and philosophical (also called 'selfish'). I really just needed to aknowledge his grief. I really want to be there for him, but what does that entail? I'm terrible at dealing with loss (I'm a fall- on-the-floor, wailing type, who can't even compose herself to speak on such occasions); I think I cried even more than he did when he told me the tragic news. I know that I have to keep my emotions in check, but what else can I do to support someone who's lost a sibling? I'm sick thinking about his circumstance, and, especially, how his parents must feel. To add to the tragedy, his sister left behind a husband and a three-year-old daughter.
Can anyone offer some advice? I just want him to be able to get through this. Tell me my limits and my duties as a friend.
6 people like this
38 responses
@judyt00 (3497)
• Canada
1 Feb 07
You are doing the right thing. let him talk and cry with him and when he starts to laugh again, laugh with him as well. invite him over for cofeee, and let him talk and make sure you feed him. If you see something that needs to be done, just do it, don't ask. just be there
2 people like this
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Thanks for your advice. I truly hope I can help him in some way.
1 person likes this
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
2 Feb 07
He loves food! I'll have to invite him to lunch, I guess. But neither of us can ignore the elephant in the room....
2 people like this
@shafiqsnss (27)
• India
2 Feb 07
in such situations ...da best & da only thing is 2 talk it out wid ur friend ......it will probably make him feel tht u r a true frnd as well as it will put in da fact tht he will feel tht he is not alone in such a grieving situation.......
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
2 Feb 07
yep. just being there for him so he won't feel alone will emotionally help him a lot.
1 person likes this
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I think I'm a special and necesarry outlet for him. He has family close by and is married. But all of his family circle is suffering the same grief. He can tell me, and I can treat his grief as an individual suffering, like no one else's. That's what I'll try to do for him.
1 person likes this
@jackie_mmm (886)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
are you in love with him or something? You're too affected by such news when you just met him. I understand what he's going through, but it's you I don't understand. YOu just have to listen and listen and listen. Don't be a crumpled heap of a wuss, making yourself indispensable to a grieving man. His mind is clouded and there's no way you can insinuate any feelings for him, let alone kiss him. Let this all pass before you make your move.
1 person likes this
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Wow, you sure have a 'unique' take on things...No, I'm not in love with him. He's been a friend for about a year, and I just tend to feel people's sorrows on a personal level. That, by the way, is a good thing. I just didn't want to cry in front of him.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
1 Feb 07
I think I know what you mean. If you cry when he needs your support, it will not be helpful. He himself needs a shoulder to cry on so you have to stay strong at least during the conversation. Ask him about his funny stories, things he did with his sister. This way at least you both got to laugh and you can add your own similar experience or someone that you know, so that the laughter lasts longer. Tell him that his sister is surely now in better place or something like that. Maybe you can also invite him, his brother in law and his daughter for dinner or just have a picnic. The more people involved, the more he will be distracted of his sadness, which is good for both of you. Godo luck.
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
2 Feb 07
You really understood what I meant. I cry, and I think "Snap out of it! This isn't about YOU!!!'. I know he needs someone outside of the family to share his memories and grief with. I didn't know his sister, so maybe I can be this 'journal'. He can tell me all of his secret memories about her. I'm sure his sister is in a better place, but I don't want to introduce my personal spiritual beliefs on him while he's grieving- and I don't want to sound like a cliche either. I guess I just have to close off the tear ducts, shut the mouth and open the ears. Thanks so much for your response.
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
2 Feb 07
your presence and being there to listen to him mean a lot already. he will feel a lot better because he can share with you what he feels inside. he can let out his pains in his heart. you are doing well. you are not God to make him feel 100% good in an instant. it happens step by step. don't think much. just be there for him and "fee" with him. remember, you are doing good already. and he's lucky to have you as a friend.
@VKXY62 (1605)
• Australia
2 Feb 07
Hi esl,
I think that the sharing of grief during this time is about the most supportive thing that you can do.
There is not much worse in the world than losing a loved one.
My brain has short circuits.
Keep an eye on their behaviour though.
Some people can become very depressed by such a loss for a very long time.
1 person likes this
@cindy83 (133)
• China
2 Feb 07
I think if someone be in sadness, to go out and take a travel os good for him.
You can invite him to travel somewhere, in the good place maybe he wil forget the sadness and hapy with life.
I know the man's feeling, lose younger sister, If that happen to me, I also cannot help crying fot it. So spend more time partn woth him and talk each other.
@faylinn_chaeli (1619)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
Just be there for her, as you see, she needs someone to talk to and someone who will listen to her. Sometimes we really get too emotional over issues especially like the loss of a loved one. Thinking that you wouldn't want to be in her shoes of course, so just be there for her.
1 person likes this
@moirax23 (317)
• Malta
2 Feb 07
obviously you're a very emotional person, there's nothing wrong with that, as your friend should know. Comfort him by saying she's at peace now and life must go on. I'm also very emotional and don't know how to deal with loss, maybe because I've been lucky enough not to lose anyone yet. Just be there for him, when he needs a shoulder to cry on and don't hesitate to cry with him.
1 person likes this
@150180248 (19)
• China
2 Feb 07
He could always make you laugh before,you must make him laugh now
1 person likes this
@hariharbhat (1312)
• India
2 Feb 07
Time has strenth to heal such wounds.The human being have limited power to heal such would by external acts.The best support one can extend at such time is to keep company of such person and get him/her involved in the activities which would make that person to spend the time with out getting attached to the past wounds.
Be sportive to support your friend.
@Bangalorean (1282)
• India
2 Feb 07
Anyway you can get that person back nor make up for that person. All that uou can do is be with the bereaved and assist him/her come out of it on his/her own.
1 person likes this
@gemini1960 (1161)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
you just simply tell her how deeply mourn for her loss..thru a note..if you cant do it front of her...
@Stanislaus (17)
• Nigeria
2 Feb 07
You really have to share his sorrows with him, let him know that you feel really sorry for what happened. Then let him know that he has to face reality, he has to think of how to assist his sister's husband and her little child cope up with the loss. He should put himself together remembering that his sister can never come back no matter how much he cries. Just feel with him and then he will understand with you, when you let him know that he has to face it like a real man.
1 person likes this
