Do I visit Florida or Michigan this summer? Niece's graduation or my Dad's grave
By brokentia
@brokentia (10389)
United States
February 2, 2007 12:42pm CST
OK, here is the problem.
My Dad passed away Feb 1999. I have struggled for closure but it eludes me. Maybe it is because I haven't even seen his headstone. Or maybe because I feel that I need to talk to him at his resting place. OR maybe I will never have a sense of closure and always have this hole in my heart. I have been wanting to try to visit his resting place for a long time but each summer, something always comes up. Last summer, I was supposed to go, but my partner ended up needing to go on a business trip that lasted 12 weeks! So, here I stayed with my 7 kids and 2 of his nieces that ended up being a last minute 'Can we stay awhile' visit.
Point is...for 8 years now, I have been wanting to visit my Dad and talk to him but for some reason, it doesn't work out. And even now...my plans are being postponed until July when I wanted to go at the end of May. (Just breathe Tia.) I can not take my kids with me because I need the time to myself with my Dad....sort of a healing process. (If you have lost anyone dearly close to you, I know you will understand this.)
Where does Florida come in you ask? My niece is graduating! My wonderful niece that means the world to me is graduating high school and will be heading off to college! If we would not have moved to Oklahoma just over a year ago, I would have been able to be there. But...I am not and she is sorely disappointed that I can not be. So, my sister is asking me to see if I can steal away just a few days to be able to at least make her graduation party that would mean the world to my niece. That would have to be squeezed into May...but on a weekend, so it could be possible. (I want more than a weekend in Michigan.)
But I have to make a choice. I can not do both because the trips are costly.
Michigan would cost more than Florida because I would have to play for the plane tickets, car rental, hotel, and food. If I go to Florida, I would save on a hotel stay and only be there a few days that would also cost less.
But going to see my Dad means the world to me.
At the same time, my niece is alive and only graduates from high school once.
How can I say that one is more important than the other?
How would I tell my niece that I decided to see my deceased father instead of her?
I am at a loss and even though I have been advised by some to go see my Dad because I have waited long enough...what if I don't get to go again? What is this summer is delayed to next summer? Then I have missed both and hurt my niece.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
What would you do?
I post the question here because I am hoping to get honest opinions.
And no, doing both is not an option.
11 people like this
29 responses
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Hey sweetie. This is going to be a tough decision for you. My first instinct is to say go to your nieces graduation. AND hold something for you and your dad there at your home. You know that he's not at his grave site anyway. He's on the Other Side and probably visiting you very often. Send the kids & your partner away for the day (or even better for a night since spirits are more availbly active between 1am-5am), light some candles, grab a few pics of your father, and talk to him. Tell him you miss him, you love him, and all the things that are bothering you. Request a sign from him... Meditate about it/him. I really think your dad would want you not to miss your nieces graduation. I think if it was me I would regret not going to my nieces graduation more. Maybe next summer you can get up to MI. I know you hate putting it off - and you need closure. You could also try doing the "something" (as I called it) before you make your final decision. See if it helps.
By the way - just curious...are you from MI? If so where? If you don't mind me asking of course...
3 people like this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
No, I am not from Michigan. I am a born and raised Florida girl.
But my Dad is from Michigan. And since he spent most of his life there, that is where he wanted to be bury. To him...he was going back home.
Thank you for your opinion. I did ask this question to get opinions to help me make my decision.
4 people like this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
4 Feb 07
No prob. I hoped it helped some. I feel for you. I thought you where from Fl but I had to ask cause the hubby is from MI.
3 people like this
@shywolf (4514)
• United States
2 Feb 07
In the end, you will have to follow your heart. I am so sorry that you are having to make such a tough decision :(
My personal feelings are that, with my feeling that everything happens for a reason, maybe it isn't actually time yet for you to visit your father's grave. I know that you have been waiting a long time and that it seems like things keep happening to put it off, and I swear that you will get there one day. I can tell how important it is to you. I agree though that your neice only has one graduation, and it would be hard to explain to her why you couldn't come. I personally would probably go to see her. But then, I have never had to make the kind of decision that you have facing you right now. And I really hope that you will do what feels best in your heart.
3 people like this
@shangsyndrome (814)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
i so much agree to shywolf. good uck & GOD bless!
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
4 Feb 07
Shywolf,
Your right, I do need to follow my heart.
But I also take in what others opinions are to help me see the different sides.
I normally think of pros and cons...but I just can't seem to do that with this decision.
Thank you for your input!
2 people like this
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Life is for life. Your father would be more disappointed in you for foregoing your niece's graduation than to "talk" with a deceased person. You go to her graduation fist and mae a visit to him later. In your heart you will feel better you fif the right thing at her graduation because he would be pleased you went there in his place.
3 people like this
@Hockey_85 (94)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I personally would much rather go to Michigan, that is without any circumstance of graduation or closure. But if you bring that into the picture... I would still go to Michigan.
I think your niece should be old enough (if she's graduating) to understand, that going to Michigan to visit your fathers grave is something you need to do. If she isn't mature about it, then she doesn't deserve you coming down at all.
I think it's really important to get some sort of closure, especially with someone that close. I'm fighting my own situation somewhat like this, and I have yet to visit a grave. I've gotten a memorial tattoo, but haven't brought myself to go see her grave. I don't really know what I would say, but I figure... when I get there, I'll know.
Just be straight forward with your niece about it, and I hope she understands. Both are important events, but in this case.. one is more important. Tell her to go to college, and you will come to that graduation.
I hope things work out for the best, and you get that closure soon.
2 people like this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
You make a very good point about her maturity and if she doesn't understand that would be selfish. I didn't think of it that way. Thank you!
1 person likes this
@nicky35 (747)
•
3 Feb 07
hi there,im sorry you have to choose like that.i personally think you should go to your neices graduation.i know its a tough choice for you but it would mean so much to her for you to be there.you need to learn to carry your dad with you in your heart and head so you can take him with you everywhere you go.imagine that he is there with you at your neices graduation.feel how blessed you are to be a part of him,he will always be with you in yourself and in your kids.i know it dosent help but just promise yourself you will get there as soon as you can.but right now i think you should be with your neice.
2 people like this
@pendragon (3348)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Florida, better weather and it's better to pay attention to the living while their living.The other trip will always be there if you want to take it.
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Thank you Zukepr for addessing how long I have been waiting.
It seems as if people are not catching how long I have been waiting to go.
2 people like this
@medooley (1873)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Personally I think that you need to go see your father's grave. You have to do what is best for you, and it sounds like this is something that you need.
Or you could do this... Pay for one trip, and then hit up everyone on myLot for places to crash on your way to the other spot.
I will do my best to make sure that your myLot earning stay up by posting in all of your discussion if that will help you get more cash to do both! I am hear to serve Tia...
2 people like this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
You are so sweet!!!! :)
You have something there! LOL Maybe I can find a chain of people to stay with. ha ha But I don't think my partner would be happy with me about that one. He doesn't even want me to fly because he wants to make sure that I make it there safely. ha ha I think he forgot I drove 3,000 miles with seven kids on my own a year ago! If I can do that, I can drive on my own.
1 person likes this
@Willowlady (10658)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Ok, you father is not going anywhere and you honor him in your heart everyday anyway. So the living niece that graduates only once is the choice to attend. Your grieveing can occur before going and then when you finally get to go and finalize your thoughts with your father. You also have news to share with your father when you go. Hope all goes well and that you make the decision which gives you the most peace. After all you asked how could you tell the neice!!
1 person likes this
@raveemenon (1071)
• India
3 Feb 07
Dear friend,
Your loving personality is revealed here. For a moment i am stepping into your shoes and see things from my perspective.
There are 2 angles to this problem one is yours and the other one from the point of view of outsiders or others. the decision depends on which view you consider more important. If it is yours i would straight away go to the problem. It has been a long wait for you since 1999 to see your father's grave and spend some moments with him since you love him so much. One may argue that it is going to be there for ever and what is the hurry for it? Remember only such decisions have deprived you the meeting with your dear father so far. The arguments that he would be the person who will adjust for you may be put forward at any point of time , But is it right? As a father i know how much i love my kids and concerned about their future. Once he also worried about you and might have sacrificed many a pleasure or business or social trips, when there was something that required his presence or when there was something to celebrate at home. You owe to him, at least now , a courtesy call. Personally I had to compromise a few such visits and the price I paid was heavy and the incidents still haunts me.
As far as the Nice's graduation is concerned i do agree it is a happy occasion to celebrate but you need to convince her .If you just tell her the long pending visit to your father's grave won't she understand? You can make visit her in the next opportunity and send her a nice gift this time and make her understand. Being an educated and younger person she would appreciate your position.
practically it can be advised that if you choose to visit your father 's grave it is people living around you that are going to get hurt and in the other case no good soul acn get hurt . But it will be your soul that get hurt. I would choose to visit my father's grave and explain the situation to my niece.Good luck. Inform me about your choice and the implications thereafter when you feel free.
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
That was beautiful and thank you for stepping into my shoes!
I posted this question to help me see both sides.
I knew that some would think that I should go to my niece's graduation.
But I did not expect a few to see my point of my pain and needing to go where he is.
People here have said that he is not there but is with me.
Well, I don't feel him with me. I wish I did.
And as much as I need to hear about my niece from others...I also needed to hear words about my father too. Thank you dear friend for putting it so beautifully that it really touched me!
1 person likes this
@dancinthrulife (75)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I lost my dad unexpectedly while I was living overseas, so I truly do understand your need for closure and to say goodbye. But how would you feel if your niece (God forbid) would be taken from you shortly after her graduation and you did not attend? Then you would have another soul to come to closure with. I understand your pain, but live for the living. Try to prioritize the Michigan trip for your next trip, start saving and planning now. But go to Florida and celebrate with the family you still have around to enjoy and make wonderful memories with them. Then make a firm commitment and plan to do what you need to do to say goodbye to your father and follow through on it before something else gets in the way, and I hope it will help you heal.
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
3 Feb 07
This is why I posted to hear the different sides that others could offer.
You are right. I would have another regret if something were to happen to her.
1 person likes this
@poppoppop111 (5731)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
ok i don't want to affend you or your feelings but here is my oppinion. i think you should go to your nieces graduation. i beleive that no matter where you are you can still speak to your dad. you don't need to go to his grave to pay your respects or to show him you miss him. it's not like his sould hangs out in the cemetary. he's always around you no matter where you are. plus i really beleive in this psychic sylvia browne. she has worked closely with police to solve crimes well everything i've said so far is what i've heard from her but anyway she said that the people passed on always come around at family special occasions so if you go to your nieces thing i'm sure he's spirit will be there.
1 person likes this
@kgwat70 (13387)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I know that you love and miss your dad very much and hope that you will get to visit his grave at somepoint but I think you should go to your nieces graduation since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity depending on what school and grade she is graduating from. You can visit your dad's grave another time. I am sure he would want you to see your niece graduate as well and then go visit him. Can you split the trip in two so you can spend part in Florida and part in Michigan? That way you can do both.
@beckyomg1 (6756)
• United States
3 Feb 07
you should do what your heart tells you to do. What you think is best. Dont know if that helps
1 person likes this
@moonflowerpixy (536)
• United States
9 Feb 07
Hopefully your nieces graduation. You know as well as I do your father would be there or anywhere you desired him to be. Your niece is still living. Your father knows your intentions, he also knows you love him. Go on living, I think he would want you to. Maybe stop somewhere on the way to the graduation and say a little prayer by the water or something to your father and see him later. HE UNDERSTANDS!!:) Blessed be the ones we see, In our heart those that depart. )0(
1 person likes this
@Noxmorexlies (739)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Honestly, In my opinon your Dad's grave is more important. It is lovely your niece is graduating but your Dad's grave is just something that words cannot describe. However what I can tell you that will help you most and mostly will be said is follow your heart.
1 person likes this
@bulutoy2k (176)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
I guess you should weigh them according to your priority in life. Just follow your heart.
But if I were you should attend your niece graduation since it is not a fixed date. It is scheduled in that day only. And afterwards visit your dad's grave. I gues he will understand it. Say your private prayer for him.
@WesAngelBaby (125)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Ok you are right this is a very touching decision. If it was me and I felt like I waited long enough and it was my time to go see my father "Since my Father is also pasted away", I would make the effort and time to go see my father. Yes she is your niece and I know you want tobe there for her also, but you have waited long enough and if you are ready you should make the time to be there with your father. I know everyone else has written that maybe you shouldnt go and maybe you should be there for your niece but I am giving you the thought that I have in my head. I understand your niece maybe up-set but this is somthing you need to do. Visiting Your niece can wait if she doesnt understand then that is very selfish on her part. You have waited and like i said if you feel its time then you need to be there to see your father's grave.Yea he might no be exzactly at this place but you know you need to be there when you have to be. I am not making the decision for you, I am telling you what I would do. I hope you follow your heart because this will lead you to the right decision!! Best of Luck, and I send my condolinces.
