How to scar a kid for life

Tweet

1) buy a live lobster from the corner fish market, take off the rubber bands over the pinchers, and let it run amuck through the house after your cute little grandaughter. 2) lock poor helpless niece in a dark closet on halloween, leaving her to tear at her "watch me grow" sesame street poster. 3) disappear as child is conversing with you, then pop out with a camera to immortalize the moment. 4) tell curious child that the tiny door under the stairs is the "gates of hell," so they don't find your gun. or whatever the heck-damn you were hiding...christmas presents?!? 5) when child comes to your room to find sweet respite from nightmares, tell them to "watch out! there's something behind you!" then tell them to go back to their room. etc.