I don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful
By kathys
@kathys (54)
United States
February 2, 2007 11:30pm CST
I have a friend who is over 40 and is working 2 jobs. One for her bills the other for her boyfriends "Habit" he won't work, he sleeps all day. She works her 2 jobs 6 days a week from 7am until 9 or 10 at night and she is in good health except her feet hurt her very bad. The problem, her boyfriend, he is very mentally abusive to her and she is afraid of him hitting her (which he has before) and she gives him money everyday. If she didn't give him money she wouldn't have to work 2 jobs. He thinks she is his "sugar momma" the police have said that she can't kick him out she has to give him a 30 day eviction notice. If she does that she is afraid he will steal from her (Which he would) she is kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. By that I mean she is very afraid of him. It is her house and she owns it. It is frustrating to she her limping and helping her walk at times and then him treat her like crap and DEMAND her give him money. I try to give her suggestion on how to get him out. But they all have there drawbacks.
Any suggestions? Thanks
3 people like this
26 responses
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
3 Feb 07
well, if she really wants to get rid of him, first, yeah for her! it's a big step in getting back her independence from an abusive relationship. The next step is one day when he's actually out of the house, she needs to rent a couple of storage sheds, and everything that she doesn't want stolen or broken? Put it in a storage shed. Give him his eviction notice, take pictures of everything left before the eviction notice. If he hits her, she needs to file a police report, with pictures. That would definitely get him out of the house and away from her. But if not, and i hope he doesn't hit her, have her leave her stuff in storage until he's gone, then change every lock in the house and get an alarm system. good luck to her!
@kathys (54)
• United States
3 Feb 07
That is an idea I never thought of, taking pictures of everything. He is very sneaky.
He takes her truck when she is sleeping and he doesn't have a drivers license, she tells the police this also but with no luck yet, maybe they will get tired of her calling them and pick him up.
1 person likes this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
3 Feb 07
i'd report it stolen next time. She sounds like a nice woman, and that's the problem. She needs to play a little sneaky to get rid of this guy, otherwise he'll keep trying to abuse her. Or maybe next time he's out, just change the locks. Put his stuff on the front porch and say, sorry buddy. He's not a paying tenant, so i don't understand why she'd have to evict him! Or maybe she could contact a lawyer. LOL sorry, i've been thinking about this. Normally lawyers will give a free consult, and if she could just get some advice from a professional, that would probably go a long way. Hope you keep us posted on how she's doing.
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
3 Feb 07
A person can only treat us how we allow them to do so. If she owns the house or the lease is in her name she does not have to give him an eviction notice. Only if he has been paying her rent and that doesn't sound like the situation here. She shouldn't listen to the police, but seek the counsel of an attorney. She should just change the locks next time he goes out; and if he tries to break in she should report.
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I wouldn't go by what the police state. I was abused by my husband (now ex) and slept at a friend's house overnight. When I went back in the morning (after he went to work) I found that he had changed the locks! I called the police thinking they could let me in but I soon learned he could legally do that because MY NAME wasn't on the deed to the house. He owned it prior to us getting married and never put my name on it! So, even though I was his wife, he was able to throw me out, according to the police! Have her consult an attorney; I wouldn't trust the police!
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
She needs friend like you to help her out. I would kick him out, then get a restraining order against him. I can't see why he needs an eviction notice, he's not a tenant, he doesn't have any kind of lease or contract. Go over to her house with about 7 or 8 of your biggest friends, and help her get him, and his stuff out of the house. Then, get a restraining order against him, so, when he comes back you can call the police. You need to stay with her for a while to make sure she's safe. I wish her luck. I wish you luck too. As her friend, you can't let her stay in this situation.
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
I can understand that. I don't know what to tell you. I feel very sorry for this poor lady. I have a spare room in Canada, she can come to if she wants to.
@kathys (54)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I would love to do that and 4 years ago I would step in and remove him, but now I have a3 year old daughter that I have to think about and I don't trust him and I too am somewhat afraid he might try to do something to me if I intervene, although I have alot of guys here with me most of the time because my 20 year old son is in a band and the band members are here alot and one one them stays here, I still feel he may do something stupid, and I don't want to take the change with my 3 yr old.
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
4 Feb 07
She should report this idiot and not give him anything. I guess what she should do is to get out of that house first and wait until the 30 day eviction notice (which I find absurd) expires. If she is worried he might still her things try to get all her valuables out of that house or better yet sell that house and move to another place or apartment so he wont see her..He is not her husband and he has no hold of her. Tell her not to be afraid and fight for her rights.If I was there I'll give that d1ckhead a piece of his brain.
@imlikichu (30)
• India
3 Feb 07
from my opinion ....i think its her fault ie she choose a wrong man.think there is something in his mind....just ask him whats in his mind and don't advice him just make him happy.don't take it in a negative sense he will be ok if he is not a fool.......haha
@bonbon664 (3466)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
A little late to blame her now. It's a time to help this woman, not tell her how dumb she is. Abusive relationships are a very serious problem.
@TiffanyAnne (30)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
I realize that violence is not an answer to violence but when this happened to a friend of mine. She was in an abusive relationship for years and finally she felt like it was kill or be killed. She didn't want it to come to that so she borrowed my father, my brothers and a few of their friends. The police wouldn't (or couldn't) help her so one day when he went to the store for cigs she called them. He came home and there were six very big men in his living room. They didn't have to resort to violence most men that treat women like this are cowards. All it took were a few threats. He left, they changed the locks. One of my brothers camped out on her sofa for a few days to make sure he didn't come back. She's been happy since.
@kathys (54)
• United States
4 Feb 07
That would be great if she would finally stand up for herself, I think maybe she is getting closer to being at her end and stand up for herself, I sure hope so.
There are so many caring people on mylot and I appreciate all your advice and thoughts and everyone has given me more suggestions for her to help, I just hope she takes one of them. I am truly glad that I came to mylot and signed up.
@Pikkie (71)
• South Africa
3 Feb 07
My mom had a friend in the same situation. Her boyfriend was a complete leech. So she gave him the winning ticket out of there and he hit her so hard she was in hospital for a few weeks. When the cops asked what happened he told her to tell them she fell in the tub. She went home and for the next month went on as always...until one night she gave him a bottle of brandy which he drank half way, she told him that she would run him a bath, the only difference is that she took vaseline and rubbed the whole tub with it, then she turned on the cold water till the tub was half full and called her dear boyfriend. Needless to say that when he climbed in he slipped and cept on slipping, she took the broom and showed him how it feels to 'fall in the tub'. He was gone the next morning and left town and has never laid a hand on another woman again! We as women should stop sitting back and let men walk over us, she has to make a stand!
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
I agree with the poster who said that she should leave her house and then get a lawyer to deal with the squatter. Start taking pictures of things, and report the truck stolen when he takes it.
Either that or sell the house. She needs to make a fresh start, and having him know where she lives would probably not be good anyway.
@mikeyr6000le (2123)
• United States
3 Feb 07
If she had proof of him hitting her she might be able to get him out sooner. My friends kicked one of their ex bf out. They left a note on the dorr saying something like. You are no longer welcome here. Make plans to come and get your stuff. That was the short and sweet of it. She could also put anything that she thought he might steel into storage or someone's plce that she trusts. Then serve the eviction notice and cut of his money. Where there is the will there is a way and good luck to you and your friend.
@magdollars23 (1684)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I dont know why the police told her she has to give him a 30 day notice... she would only have to do that if he was paying rent there. Which from your story it dooes not sound like he is contributing in any way other than negatively. What she needs to do is go to the police and tell them she has an unwanted visitor in her home, and she is afriad he may get violent if she tries to remove him herself and ask for assistance as well as a restraining order. There is no reason he should be staying there if he doesnt have anything positive to contribute.
@MissGia (955)
• United States
3 Feb 07
It sad to see women in relationships like this. I also think its sad that she has to give him a 30 day notice for him to leave HER house. But she shouldnt have to live in fear of getting hit if she doesnt give him money, and she shouldnt have to work 2 jobs while he stays home and does nothing.
i would do 1 of 2 things
1. I would imagine this "habit" is an illegal one. If i was so afraid of him and tired of the relationship, your darn right i'd nark on him..just to get him out of my home.
if not ballsy enough to do that
2. She needs to find a place where she can stay temporarily for 30 days and give him a court ordered evicition notice and get him out of her house. if she is still scared after all this..get a restraining order.
This man needs to be taught a lesson, that you just cant sit around and mooch off of other people for the rest of your life...how sad.
@randyequal (439)
• China
3 Feb 07
your friend is really in a bas situation..and I am sick of her boyfriend who is so lazy ans selfish. give some suggestions to your friend: to break up with him and start a new life without him.
@dmajkc (196)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I m not sure what state you live in, however, most states all she needs to do is swear a restraining order to a judge. If she is his girlfriend, I doubt she made him sign a lease for him to live there.
Check with the Women's Abuse Hotline, they have a national 1800 number. THey can give you a better idea of the civil laws of your state.. Good Luck!!!
@WesAngelBaby (125)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I knowhow that is. I never lived with a person like that but I have had a boyfriend that was like that. I always was buying not only him everything but his children stuff too. I knew I had to walk away from the situation so finally I got the courage todo it. Im glade she is trying to get away from it. Feeling the way she does is very normal exspecially if you are in a abusive relationship. I honestly would not know what to do in this situation, the police arnt going to take him away unless he has already done somthing and they cought him in the act. People dont think I guess this is why the world is the way it is today!! I wish herthe best of luck!!!
@michele609 (1687)
• United States
3 Feb 07
I know where I am from, if a man is abusive then she can make gim leave. Does she tell the cops that he is abusive because if so then they wont even tell her to give him thrity days. The truth is that if she dont see him for what he is then their is no help for her. I hope that one day she can overcome him and let him go becasue if she keeps letting him treat her that way then he will do it forever!!
@freak369 (5113)
• United States
10 Feb 07
If there isn't a contract in place, meaning he is renting from her, then she can have him removed at any time. All she has to do is call the police and tell them that he is being abusive. If that doesn't work then she can have a PFA filed against him. A PFA is a Protection From Abuse order that prohibits him from coming near her, her places of work and her home.
It doesn't sound like she is in love with him, if she wants to get rid of him and have any type of life for herself then she needs to take action against him now, before it is too late.
@olaff123 (433)
• Namibia
3 Feb 07
She will have to leave the property. Then she will have to get a lawyer to get an interdict against her boyfriend, as well as an eviction order to get him out of the house. That way he is not allowed to get near her, and must legally leave the house. But this is ultimately her decision.
@mbarryton (1872)
• United States
4 Feb 07
i think i can "kinda" relate to her situation i was with a guy for 11yrs that in my case was very verbally abusive and got even worse after our two children where born well for the last 6 yrs we was together he never worked but i had to he didnt care if bills got paid or not as long as he had his "habit" (i believe it may be the same one) so i sorta no whats shes going threw. i just had to finally get the strength enough to pack me and the kids up and leave. but believe it or not i was able to put of our stuff in the car and leave all while he was in the bed. he never knew it til he woke up, but thats what he gets for being up all night with his "habit".i cant really say anything about what she should do because every situation is different but i do wish her all the best.
@Lush_heidi (994)
• United States
3 Feb 07
She is worthy of so much better. She needs to tell him that he needs to change, that his personal atm stops now and give him an ultimatum- if he refuses she needs to find someone who contribute as much as she does and appreciates her for the awesome person she is!
