Going through chemo..
United States
February 5, 2007 3:26pm CST
This is my fourth diagnosis.. I am really starting to get frustrated with my body.. I am 23, and feel like I am 90. I go to the gym, I eat right, and I take my pills like I am supposed to. I go to chemo every friday, and it seems like nothing I do will ever really make this go away. I feel like I am stuck. Most 23 year olds are out making something of themselves at school, or have a career by now. I am just stuck without, and left wanting. I know there are plenty of others out there like me.I just wish I could do more than what I am doing now. My life has no meaning, and may not even have a future purpose. I am with someone right now, and she is amazing! She would be the perfect person to settle down with, but here's the thing. I don't know how much time I have left, or if I will even get better at all. It's not fair to her. She clearly made the statement "we don't have a future together." When she said this it made me like go back to the reality of it, and she is right. There is no growing together, and making plans, and working on goals. It just is what it is. I have no clue, and it hurts me, and bothers me. That I even tried to start anything with anyone when I have this hanging over my head. How stupid was I to think that I could even find love. I am selfish, or at least I feel selfish. I just want something to believe in again.~NFA~
8 people like this
30 responses
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
I'm so sorry for what you have been through at such a young age. It's very strange that your loved one would say that to you in times like these. Were you together before you were diagnosed the disease or just recently?
No you are not selfish. Take her statement as a sign that she is not meant for you. Keep on fighting for your cure, that should be the first thing on your mind. Once you lead happy healthy life again, you can focus on finding love.
By then you will be stronger personafter what you've been through now.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
6 Feb 07
It sounds like you could benefit from a support group.
YOu didn't say what type of cancer you are beig treated for but there are things you could do to help yourself physically.
When youa re getting chemo your wnole body is being bombarded. Has anyone talked with you about changing your diet to help replenish what you are losing?
Try looking through the links here. Maybe there is a group that can help you out!
http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org//virtual_wc/support.asp
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/support/support-groups
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002166.htm
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 07
Yes. I do know that I am taking alot of supplements to help my body along the way with healing, and replenishing my blood cells. I would rather not speak of what type of cancer I have allowed out her, as I am just speaking in general. I don't know alot of people here.. well I know no one, and just thought to vent here, and get some really good advice which I have been. Thank you.
@keepermykitty (2573)
• Canada
6 Feb 07
Why would someone you Love saysomething so horrible to you during your time in need? Thats just plain cruel, to rub it in your face like that . I can see life has dealt you the worst hand possible , no it isn`t fair but what in life nowadays is fair? Do you attend church at all if not maybe you should. If anything you might find the right person there . Even find a reason for living through GOD . I do WISH YOU THE BEST and I really hope you recover completely.
ALL THE BEST
MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
I know that's a very hard thing to face in your case. I just hope you are able to cope with everything you're going into. Although my mother has cancer but I think she has had a much better life being with us her sons. I do pray and hope that you'll be able to survive this and be able to accept the things that is at hand.
• United States
17 Mar 07
An update... I have since stopped chemo so I can get my infusaport(permacatheter)
I am feeling better, but very fatigued out.. I am hoping to hurry up, and heal fro this surgery to continue with my solemn journey with chemo.. All is not quite yet lost people.. thanks for your comments..~NFA
@superbren (856)
•
6 Feb 07
it sounds like you are having a very rough time.all you can do is pray and when this lot of chemo is over then hopefull you will be ok . my thoughts are with you .
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
I'm really sorry to hear about that. Your post made me want to cry for you. all I can think about is that you can only live in the present, because of your concerns about their being no future. This is the kind of advice you always here people saying "Live in the present" but no one really understands exactly what that means unless you have no other choice but to live only in the present. I think life is about learning to feel peace and contentment despite difficulties. Life will always have difficulties and true happiness will only come when we can accept what we cannot change and enjoy what we have. Albeit the difficulties that you mention are definately much harder than most. I can see your point when you say the average 23 year old is doing different things that you are. You are not selfish you just want what it seems everyone else has, which is a future, and as far as I'm concerned you deserve it as much as everyone else. I hope and pray so deeply for you that you will have your future and that the chemo will one day be a thing in your past.
• United States
6 Feb 07
I do live in the moment, and in the present. I do not live in the past, and what the future holds for me I have no clue. I am just taking it a day at a time. I wish I could be in class, and could be starting my career, and being a young person. The reality of it all is I am not in that state of mind anymore. I feel like I have lived that part of my life twice over, and want nothing to do with all the fast pace stuff in life. I want stability, someone to care for me, to build a life, and not have to worry about if I went to the doctors, or if I took my medication. Just want to be like most normal people(whatever you consider normal) I just miss doing something other than this. I wish that I could have enough money to do the things I want to. Like get a new computer, or take a vacation(and maybe even actually enjoy it without worrying about stuff). No worries, don't cry. Crying does help yes, but crying is not gonna fix problems. You have to take action in most cases, but in this one I have no clue.
@WebMann (4731)
• Canada
6 Feb 07
Life doesn't seem to be fair so much of the time. I lost my youngest brother to heart problems when he was just 21. I managed to make it until I was 49 before I was broke to my knees with heart problems.
Know that you are in my thoughts from now on, so get your health back and keep us posted.
I have a motto that goes like this: "If I wake up tomorrow I know I have another day to make a difference in someone's life."
My wish for you is that you will live like this also. I know that you are in a bad way but sometimes reaching out to help others in any small way gives our heart a boost and that leads to healing in more ways than one.
Keep strong NFA
@rahuldmhatre (736)
• India
6 Feb 07
yes cahemo can really screw your life up, but it is effective to a certain extent in stopping the spread of cancer
@howard96h (11640)
• New York, New York
6 Feb 07
I am going to pray for you and please stay positive. You are going through a lot right now and the last thing you need is for your friend/partner not to be there for you the way you need her. Keep telling yourself that you will win this battle and then when you are all well again and she wants to resume a relationship with you, you will be the one to decide if there is a future with her.
@goodieman (26)
• Indonesia
6 Feb 07
do not feel frustated first, i have some clue for you ... have you hear about 'brotowali' ? in here (indonesia) we get it for the people like you specially for little child that haven't their own breakfast or dinner ... it's very savourly ... try it ! ... or maybe there is some another way like eating 'undur-undur' pils ... :) good luck ... or maybe i can help to find it for you ? j_priadi@yahoo.com (my mail)
@prenymil_alinsub (22)
• Philippines
6 Feb 07
I don't mean to hurt you but the right word is self-pity not selfish. I understand your situation but dont lost HOPE and ask the Lord for your recovery.You are still young you have so many things to do in this world.
@ladydayle (10)
• United States
6 Feb 07
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such trying times at such a young age. I suspect that it's difficult for anyone but to be young and see people your age experiencing things that you cannot is probably difficult. My husband has a chronic illness that keeps him hospitalized at least once a year and results in daily pill popping, frequent pain, and low energy, even though he does everything right as well. He sometimes feels that he's stuck and can't pursue things that he wants. For example, he went to school and received an associate's degree, but it took him four years to do so due to his lack of energy and frequent sick days. He'd love to get his bachelors but is afraid of the toll it will take on his health. As for being selfish, I don't believe that you are. Everyone needs someone to fall back on in hard times, and Lord knows you're going through those times now. For now, focus on the present and enjoy what you have while you can. I've learned that there's no point in stressing over things that haven't happened yet. You could be upsetting yourself for an end that may not be coming anytime soon. Cross the bridge when you get to it. In the meantime, stay as positive as you can and keep your head up.
@refilwe (13)
• South Africa
6 Feb 07
I feel what you're going through, it is tough. And i want to tell you that you have been nothing but brave. Carry on like that and sooner than you know things will be OK. focus on getting better for now, love will automatically follow. Stop beating yourself up about falling in love and finding the person to grow with, those will eventually come, when the time is right. Just continue eating wee, excercising and leading a healthy life style, all your hard work will be rewarded in the end. God is not an idiot, he knows what he has planned for you. I wish you all the best. rest when you need to.
@rocknrollmom (177)
• United States
6 Feb 07
I just finished reading your email. It must be so difficult to deal with cancer at such a young age!! My heart is breking for you. I don't know why your loved one would say we don't have a future together. That's the last thing you need to hear. It sounds like a support group would help as well as individual therapy. You are not selfish at all. You may benefit from reading books written by Louise Hay. She cured herself from an illness. She believes that people who get cancer are deeply hurt about something from their past. You may feel resentment as well. Maybe a deep secret or grief is eating away at you. Say to yourself-I lovingly forgive and release all of my past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself. You can also write these down and repeat them daily. Don't forget everyone's life has a purpose. You have just taught me about courage!!!Please get back to me and let me know how you are doing.
@timberforest (4)
• United States
6 Feb 07
Hi NBA, I am so heartfelt for you,I wish I could take it away. Or give you a good life. I had a friend that beat cancer and I pray you do to. If you need a friend I am here. I wish I could be there to share time with you in hopes of a cure. write me at timberforest14@aol.com. I am an author.
@flyprincess4 (16)
• United States
6 Feb 07
i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. That is a lot to deal with at such a young age. All I can really say is just enjoy every moment of life. It is wonderful that you have someone in your life who loves you and is there for you. It is important to have a good support system.
@shybutreal2003 (66)
• United States
6 Feb 07
i think thats so wrong that she said that to you. she should be at your side supporting you knowing how hard this ist o go thru just keep your head up and you are in my prayers
