My best friend is cheating on his wife, please tell me what to do?
By destroyer
@destroyer (784)
Pakistan
February 8, 2007 3:29am CST
It aint as simple as it sounds! let me tell you the whole deal! during college days, we were best of buddies, me my friend Hammie (not revealing any real names for obvious reasons), sandara and Allison! we used to hang out together, study together, we were vitually inseparable!
After graduating Hammie tied the knot with Allison and me and sandara went our different ways, for all i knew hammie and Alli were happily married and expecting their first child soon, Sandara last i heared was working in some NGO abroad but kept in touch via letters and pics.
But a few days ago i got the shock of my life when i went to a local diner and saw hammie and sandara sitting together holding hands on a table, i thought it was just a friendly gesture but when sandara got up to leave she kissed hammie with such passion and what was wrose was hammie was returning the favor! it wasnt a friendly kiss no sir! i hid and waited for sandara to leave and just as hammie was about to come out of the diner i confronted him and asked what the hell was going on? how could he do this to Alli? of all people in the world he chose Sandy (sandara) to cheat upon his wife with? hammie said he really loves Alli but seeing sandy after so long he couldnt help himself, said some crap about always wanting her and old flames being rekindled! and that sandy also feels the same way! In the end he asked me to keep it a secret untill he figures out what to do next!
I am now really confused! what the heck am i suppose to do?
Alli is one of the nicest person i know and my best friend and best friend's wife should i tell her about Hammie and sandy?
or should i listen to hammie and give him time to figure things out like he wants? If i keep quiet about it and hammie breaks it up with Alli and Alli later finds out that i had known about Hammie and sandy all along she is never gonna forgive me for not telling her!
I am really in hell right now! i dont know what to do? this is giving me a very downward feeling! i really care about these people! i dont want to see anybody getting hurt! i would appreciate some sensible advice on how to deal with this!
6 people like this
51 responses
@scorpius (1792)
• India
8 Feb 07
sometimes theres nothing we can do to prevent the people we love from getting hurt and this is unfortunately one of those times.i cna understand the position that you are in.first of all it is not fair of your friend hammie to put you in this position.now that he has done you can do one of two things.
first of all you can go away and wait for the storm to blow out.
or you confront hammie and tell him that you are not at ease with the situation and that he better come clean with his wife soon ar you will come clean with his wife.but please do keep in mind that if you go down this road your friendship with tow of them if not all three of them is bound to get affected.eitherway it is you who has to make that decision.if it were me i would choose the second one,make hammie confess all to his wife!but hey,thats me!
hope everything turns out allright!
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thanks for your advice.
I have agreed to give hammie sometime to sort this mess out and if doesnt i am gonna come clean for him with Alli!
I am mentally prepared for repercussion of this decision, i know i am going to lose some friends in the process and its really bringing me down!
3 people like this
@avonrep1 (1862)
• United States
8 Feb 07
In my opinion you should have never agreed to keep quite, puts you in a pickle, because a TRUE FRIEND would tell their friend about it. I'd got back to him and tell him you either come clean or I will for you. That is wrong of him to do to you being you are suppose to be his friend too, friends don't ask friends to drink or drive or to lie about affairs, they aren't true friends. Watch out the next girl he moves on could be yours.
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thank for your reply.
I realize that now, but at that time the shock of it all was too much for me, i just wasnt thinking straight!
Anyways now that i have agreed to give hammie some time, i think i will utalize that time to get in touch with sandy and tell her what she's doing, after the given time runs out i'll tell Alli all about it! and hope she believes me!
2 people like this
@berlinsteph21 (25)
• Philippines
8 Feb 07
Whetehr you like it or not somebody is bound to get hurt. Honesty is the best policy. Sooner or later the wife will find out. If you don't tell her now she might question your friendship and loyalty later. One way to ease the pain is to let her know sooner. Try to talk to her. She will appreciate your honesty and will realize how lucky she is to have a friend like you whom she can always count on.
3 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thanks for your post.
I know someone is bound to get hurt here! i just thought it would never end this way. We four were best friends, i never thought our relationship would be tarnished by someone from within like this.
I dont know whats come over Hammie and Sandy! how could they just overlook all those times we had together, our vowes to remain friends forever! its just too heart wrecking for me!
2 people like this
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
8 Feb 07
I would tell Alli exactly what Hammie done and said to you. Since you all are all friends, don't keep secrets from one another. The thing is if Alli is pregnant you have to break it to her gently. I hope things work out. Just don't keep it to yourself. Wouldn't Alli tell you if the situation was reversed? Tell her so she can be prepared instead of it hitting her in the face.
3 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thank you for your response.
I have made my mind up to talk to hammie and give him some time to sort this mess out, i am also gonna talk to sandy about this! but one thing is for sure i am gonna let Alli know of hammie's unfaithfulness!
2 people like this
@lwillman1 (17)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Ask yourself, would you want to know if your husband was cheating with one of your college friends? Distance yourself from this situation. This kind of thing always ends badly. These two people have changed the dynamics of the groups friendship. This isn't high school anymore. Ask this Sandy what she hopes to accomplish with this relationship? Does she want to be known as the "home wrecker"? Because that is what is happening. These two people are going to do what ever it is they are doing. Ask yourself, Would you want to know? Search your heart for the answer, you know what that is. This is life changing stuff they are messing with. This is their worry, not yours. You are going to loose some friendships with this one. Alli needs to be told by one of you!
3 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
i also forgot to thank you for your good advice! i will soon see hammie and give him some time and see if he can sort this mess out if not i am gonna tell Alli all about it! i just hope she believes in me!
2 people like this
@mealyea1211 (9)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Your "friend" has put you in an impossible situation. I would tell him that you cannot keep his secret. Tell him to break it off or you will tell his wife. Give him a time frame, then do it. He is putting himself, his wife and his baby at risk for HIV or another std. His wife is your friend also and she has the right to know what is going on. Yes, she is pregnant but she is not dying. Be careful how you tell her but she needs to know. If your friend was really a friend he would NOT have placed you in such a terrible situation.
3 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thats exactly what i've done! if Hammie doesnt sort this mess out by the time he said he would i am sure as hell going to tell Alli about it!
2 people like this
@vampirestonez (1181)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Looks like your quite in a fix my friend, your between the devil and the deep blue sea. I can only advise you to wait, I think you already realize that but one wrong step from you could result in a turmoil of lives and relationship and one right step could do the same! Perhaps you need to see what your friends do next, maybe you should give both of them a few days and see what up with him and her. Then you can decide the outcome. No hasty steps as they can certainly screw up everything. Life is full of choices my friend, choose carefully.
3 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
Thanks for your advice! but i feel like if i dont do something soon i am gonna ruin my friendship with them both!
Your advice is noted though!!
2 people like this
@lwillman1 (17)
• United States
8 Feb 07
First you should talk to Sandy. Ask her what the heck she thinks she is doing? Is she the type of person to just play this guy because she knows he's already attached? Ask her how she would feel if she were pregnant, and her husband was sneaking around with one of your college friends? Especially since all of you are supposed to be "so close". I have always said and will continue to say, "Friends don't do Friends". I have stuck by this in my life. Do these "friends" have a history together? Since Hammie knows you know, then Sandy probably knows by now too. I would distance myself as far away from this mess as possible!
Give them an ultimatum, stand back. If things turn out ugly, which they always do in this situation, be prepared too loose some friendships.
I have also been victim of this triangle before. My friend was cheated on, but I had no idea about it. We discussed it and she told me, even if I had known and told her about it, she would probably be mad at first. But she also said, I would have rather known and been mad for a while then had never known. We are very, very good friends to this day! You are going to have to ask yourself, Would I want treated this way? Would I want someone to tell me? Search your heart and it will tell you the answers.
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
8 Feb 07
I was so engrossed with this that i never thought of talking to sandy! i completely overlooked that she has a major part to play in this too! i just hope that she comes to her senses! she knows very well about Hammie and Alli and their unborn child, she was at their wedding for crying out loud.
I think i am gonna tell Hammie that i will tell Alli all about him and sandy if he doesnt breaks up with her soon and take it from there onwards. Atleast this way i wont have the nagging guilty feeling of doing nothing!
but in turn i think i will lose my friendship with both hammie and sandy! even thinking of that gets me down!
2 people like this
@astromama (1221)
• United States
8 Feb 07
I was once in a similar situation with my work colleagues... A whole big group of us use to hang out together all the time. Rick had been part of the group for years and when Jane came along, he fell for her and they began dating exclusively... and for quite some time. Jane began cheating on Rick with TWO other male members of the group, behind Rick's back but in front of every one else in the group. Guess what? Months went by and no one had the guts to tell Rick about it. When Rick finally did find out he was heartbroken. Not just because Jane cheated, but because all his friends were in on it... we all hid her secret from him. He felt he couldn't trust anyone anymore... gradually, thankfully, he forgave me and we are actually closer now. The truth is, even if you try to 'stay out of it', the simple fact that you know makes you involved. You know, the wife doesn't, and if you move or don't move, somebody is going to be upset with your decision. I swore to my friend Rick that if I was ever in that situation again, I would tell the betrayed party. I couldn't keep someone's dirty little secret again after seeing what it did to my friend. It took him years to get over it. And if you lose your friends Hammie and Sandy, oh well... THEY are the ones who made the mistake... if they want to get upset with you over you being a good and honest friend to the one they're hurting, so be it. It seems like if they are willing to stomp all over Ali, you might be better off without friends like that.
2 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
9 Feb 07
Thank you for taking time out and answering!
I am seeing sandy today, and making it crystal clear to her what she is doing! lets hope she comes to her senses.
As for hammie i've given him two days to come clean with Alli or i will do it for him!
@mainman195 (186)
• United States
9 Feb 07
It appears to me that you have to decide first and foremost where your greatest allegiance lies. Is it with the friend you saw cheat or with the woman that he's married to.
If it's with him, I would go and talk with him about the situation since it seems to be bothering you alot. However, be prepared to hear how you should just honor your friendship and butt out. If you are inclined to threaten to expose his little secret, be prepared for your friendship to end. It may kill all three.
If you're allegiance is to his wife, then you should go and ask him to break it off, or you will have to tell your friend. If he agrees, keep your end of the bargain. If he takes it badly, you might want to wear a good pair of tennis shoes just in case.
In any event weigh any revelations you may be tempted to make with whether or not you're willing to live with the outcomes. Remember, no matter how helpful you mean to be, very few people want to hear life-changing bad news.
2 people like this
@revdauphinee (5703)
• United States
8 Feb 07
you are in a no win situation here she MAY hate you if you tell her but she WILL hate you when she finds out (and she will)and somehow finds out you knew all along ,I do feel you should tell but be ready for the fallout many times the bearer of bad new is blamed for it.You truly have a bad situation here !
2 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
9 Feb 07
i know its the messanger who always gets blamed for all thats happening and i also realize i am in a no win situation here!
Iam just trying to do whats right!
Thanks for your advice.
@nick826 (173)
• Philippines
8 Feb 07
Well all I can give to you is to advice your friend that if he realy love his wife he should stop cheating his wife until it is early and his wife doesnt know it if he really love his wife and not want that their marriage broken.
@halfserious (99)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Send an anonymous note to Alli, and tip her off that something is up. Say you were a patron of the restaurant who is an undercover detective and wanted to let her know.
This is probably a good lesson that you need to pick your
friends better.
2 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
9 Feb 07
I didnt know, it was going to be this way! of all the people i never expected sandy to be the home wrecker type! but anyways i think i owe Alli the truth! just waiting to see if hammie does it himself if not i am gonna do it for him!
Thanks for your post!
@kari_lynn222 (35)
• Romania
8 Feb 07
Give him a certain amount of time to tell her before you will. If he doesn't by then, then let her know. She is your friend too and if it were the other way around, you would want to know.
2 people like this
@destroyer (784)
• Pakistan
9 Feb 07
thank you for your response!
i have done exactly that!
Hammie's got a couple of days, if he doesnt come clean i am telling Alli everything!
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
8 Feb 07
You've been put into a very bad position. I would talk to Hammie and say that you feel very uncomfortable in this position and that he needs to talk to his wife by: __________ date, or you will.
This way, you know it's being dealt with. You can't really do anything about how Alli is going to feel toward you. She's going to feel betrayed by everyone, so it may or may not spill over onto you. But at least you can prevent her from being made even more of a fool of.
2 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Obivously you are uncomfortable with the situation and are in a difficult position. It might be time to have a heart to heart talk with your friend and make sure he understands that you won't be hanging around with him if you feel this uncomfortable for toomuch longer. Then say your goodbyes.
Telling his wife will ruin your relationship with him anyway, so after that heart ot heart you might as well let her know what is going on. This way you remain faithful to your limits and your self esteem.
2 people like this
@shomomo (850)
• Israel
8 Feb 07
you need to talk to your friend at first, tell him that it's very wrong that he's cheating and try to convince him to confess. if he won't confess you have no chance but telling his wife.. it might ruin his marriage but you have no choice.
@Sageoak (36)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Stay out of it!!! The only thing you will do is make enemies of Hammie, Ali, and Sandy. Believe me, I have gotten in the middle to my own regret. You end up being the bad guy. It is sad but true that no one really wants to know the truth. Hammie will hate you for interfering, and Ali and Sandy will hate you for showing them what fools they are. Back off and let them settle it for themselves. If you stick your nose in their business you will only end up getting it punched.
2 people like this
@rishubakshi13 (202)
• United States
8 Feb 07
i feel that you should give time to your friend hammie.Let him decide what is best for him.In the meantime you can talk to Sandy and convince her to maintain distance from Hammie as their relationship could eventually destroy another loving relationship.i am sure she would understand that she should not come between husband and wife and that too who are her good friends.If things do not improve in some days.you should definately go ahead and tell alli about her husband. i think she would be mature enough to handle it.but if she comes to know through a third person,she would be very upset.she would not forgive you for hiding it from her.So just wait for some days.dive your best friend time to end his relationship with Sandy else go ahead and tell his wife.
2 people like this
@ceponatia (28)
• United States
8 Feb 07
It's not up to you to tell his wife anything if that's what you're asking. You should talk to the two people involved if you want to help that much. If he isn't happy in his marriage he should say something to his wife before he goes around looking for new women.
2 people like this
