Being too nice for your own good?

Oh it sounds like you have just described me! What is our problem that we cannot stick up for ourselves and develop some backbone. Quite often I have jokingly said I need to take some B*tch lessons and and just learn how to say NO and mean it. I am constantly doing things for others when I know they won't be appreciated and the courtesy is hardly ever returned. Hopefully some day soon I will grow up and learn to stop being such a doormat!

Just like you even I have beenat the receiving end many a times in work and in life too. I think we lack the ability to say 'NO'. Thats what i have felt about myself. I have seen my colleagues say no and refuse work, it would look so mean when they say that, but still they have their say and refuse. But I have failed to be able to say no even though I wanted to say it, for the fear of hurting the other person or fear of invoking the displeasure of others. This has been the case with me in other matters also. I have not been able to say 'no' to persons who ask me money citing wmergent reasons.However they dont even remember to pay back the money they had taken. Even though I meet them or call them they never even talk about repaying. This does'ne mean I am a soft person. But that people are insinciere and thats the way world is.So I dont bother whether a person is thankful or grateful for my help ar favour. I think one should help others without expecting any favour in return or even a 'thank you'. One should be selfless and try to help as many as possible.It gives a lot of satisfation when somebody is helped in times of need.

My wife and I are the same way. You'd think we'd learn after awhile but still offer help all the time. Right now we have 2 so called "friends" staying with us. They have been here for almost 2 months and have accomplished nothing. They wake our youngest daughter of 7 months almost nightly. We dont ask them to pay any rent cause we want them to save as much as they can and get out of here. We just recently started charging them $50 a week for groceries since our grocery bill was about $600 last month. We have had to make a "chore list" in order to get them to do anything. They havent vaccumed their room since they moved in (not to mention clean it). They make the bathroom nasty and I cant stand cleaning it, I recently made it their job to do but its been almost a week and hasnt been touched. We sold them an awesome car for a killer price and still had to buy them a $80 battery when they killed the other one. I have given them untill April 1st and then they have to go no matter what. We simply cannot afford them anymore. We've gone through this with other so called friends too. At one time our house was pretty much a "soup kitchen" for our friends. They would purposly show up around lunch and dinner time cause they knew we'd feed them. Life goes on I guess and I'm sure we will continue to help others as they crap all over us :)

I have this poblem too. And then people start taking advantage of it, and eventually it jsut gets really tiring. I don't know how to stop doing it. So far, I've just been avoiding situations like this, but I dont even avoid them very well. Once in awhile, I'll think first, and then I'll either say no, or I just won't say anything. But that doesn't happen very often.

You have such a kind and generous spirit, I used to do a lot of the same things you are doing. I think I wanted real friends so bad that I didnt know how to really go about it,and in the end I was taken advantage of alot. Try to just be yourself and know you dont have to buy anyone anything- they need to love and respect you for you, or they werent your friend to begin with. You deserve so much happiness and I hope that you find it,my friend. *hugs*

I have a habit of buying things for others. If ever anyone is comming round I always like to take them out for a meal and shout free things. I really can't afford it though.

Too anything too much is a bad thing. Moderation, people, moderation.

I do not have this problem. In fact, I can be a little too blunt. But my boyfriend's sister (whom I adore by the way) kind of does. She has this guy who was her boyfriend who she let walk all over her, was rude to her and very controlling. It made me mad that he did it, and she deserves SO much better than that! She did finally leave him, and all of us were so proud of her. Let me tell you that the people who matter won't care that you say "no" once in a while and the people who care really don't matter. I think you may be afraid that people won't like you if you start saying no to things and start thinking of yourself and your own health. Maybe you need to thin... does everyone need to like you? Probably not, because some people, the people who take advantage of your niceness, are not worth liking anyway. I hope I'm not coming off too harsh. I do tend to do that. Then again, I did say so at the beginning of my part of the discussion. I think you're probably a sweetheart who feels a lot for people. It's hard to understand that people don't always feel for you. A lot of people feel only for themselves. Does that make sense?

I don't think that if you were to stop doing so many nice things for others that it would be mean. Picking up the slack for others will eventually catch up to them. They may not always have you around to bail them out. Maybe you could ask yourself how you are feeling while you are doing favors for everyone. There has to be some hidden reason or maybe even an agenda. Do you worry about how they will think of you? You might be a naturally nice person that likes to help out for no particular reason. If that is the case, there is nothing wrong with doing something for somebody and not expecting anything in return. The problem might arise when you unknowingly expect something in return. People may do something for others and kind of like build up an account. They will say ...I did such and such for you, how about doing this for me...all without your prior agreement. You don't have to go out of your way to please people. It is not mean if you give up buying things you can't afford or if you don't work an extra Saturday. If you want to continue to do these things, then do them if they make you happy or serve some greater purpose. If you find yourself resenting the non-appreciation from others, then stop doing so much for others. You will still be the same nice person anyway.

Well, sometimes I think I'm that way. But I think I got it from my mother. Today a friend of my mom's really upset her, and she was still nice to her in the end. I think it depends on how you were raised. And sometimes people are just too afraid to say no, and they don't have a backbone. I think it is a destructive behavior, but if you start saying no, and saying what you really want to say, then I think it will get easier to break that habit. And you wont be mr. nice no more lol.

Same for me. Where I used to work I would volunteer to do things that others didn't want to do. Someone had to do it and it didn't bother me. But when I was asked to do it and expected to do it then I would be very resentful. Seemed I couldn't win. Then I transferred to another store and my hours were considerably cut and my part time status not returned to me. I was "on call". I deeply resented this because it just didn't suit me and the circumstances where I was living (because I was no longer earning enough). At first I would say 'yes' whenever they rang me...drop what I was doing, jump in the shower and go. Sometimes it was greatly inconvenient. At times I got an offhand insincere thanks, but often nothing. I was saying yes to gain a better position but others were being put ahead of me. So I started to say 'no' (feeling terribly guilty) and eventually I was lucky if I got 3 hours a week. Leaving that job felt so good.

I used to be way too nice for my own good. I still am occasionally..but once I got burnt badly enough by one of the very people I was trying to help..well, that was that. I was already going through hell due to some other relationship type things, and that ended up bing the last straw. I became very bitter..sarcastic, prickly. The exact opposite of the way too nice girl I was before. It still kinda lingers today..I'm a bit more exclusive in those I help and not always very nice to people who hit the wrong nerve..whether on purpose or on accident. Though I guess I'll always be a sucker for those in need, a real bleeding heart. So I don't know. Maybe you should try to talk yourself out of being too nice when the situation arises..before you say anything. Tell yourself saying no's not a mean thing, you can do it politely..hell, you could even lie politely..if you were so inclined to anyway. "I'm sorry..I can't." Is a perfectly acceptable answer in most cases..and if the people are nice they'll manage a smile and say "Okay..well thanks anyway."

Welcome!!! I'm one with you. This is one thing that I really hate myself about. despite the hurt and betrayals, I still help these people out of kindness and compassion. But I believe that this very same trait of mine will be greatly rewarded. By the way, I'm a devout christian and I do believe God sees everything.

I can totally relate to what you've written here! I find that it's a great challenge in life to find the fine line between living an authentically mindful and compassionate life... and ending up as everyone else's doormat. Fortunately, I have learned how to use the word "no." Not "no" followed by a long list of rationalizations and justifications... but "no, I am not going to do that" as a final statement. It's difficult to learn-- at least I found it so-- because if your natural tendency is towards "people pleasing" you have to learn to deal with a lot of feelings of guilt over your little inner voices insisting you're a "bad person" for having said no. And you DO end up having to be "the bad guy" for a while, when being around people who are used to your being compliant, 24/7. But it feels much better, afterwards. As to "why" we get into these behaviors, I think it has to do with only feeling like we are "worth" something for what we can DO for people, not merely for who we ARE. At least that's MY story, and I'm sticking to it...

For the same reason I do. We don't want to disappoint others, we don't really know how to say no and we want to please others. I know I do the same things all the time. I'm a bit better on it but it's not a habit that is easily broken. Believe it or not a book I read did help me to see where I needed to make the fixes, why I might have the problems as well. Now it has a lot of christian overtones in it but the rest of it is very good and you can ignore the christian parts in it. It's called Bounderies by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Here is a link for it: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/104-8010396-0051145 I really found it useful although I do still have a lot of work to do it is insightful.

You sound like what I use to be....a doormat. You know I love to do things for other people but its when they take advantage of you that you resent them. When I was in my 20's I never spoke my mind, never stuck up for myself and just kept everything inside. But I found myself start to be bitter about things. I could be mad about something and nobody could figure out what was wrong with me. I kept things bottled up and that is the worst thing. I think you are being kind by taking the shift but if you aren't getting any extra compensation for it then I would definitely hesitate. I mean do you get a day off for it or anything? I think I'd do my share and that is it if you aren't getting anything in return.

For me it's not chronic problem like yours, long ago i learned to be mean when needed but still at many times I let people get away with using my kind heart and generosity although I'm sure they don't deserve it..

I really can understand you, and know what you mean! I am also too soft with people, and I gave up on them too many times. For example, if someone hurts me, I can forgive him quickly, and doesn't let him suffer. I'm also a person that is easy to convince, and people are sometimes use that for their beneffits. I need to learn how to be more tuff with other people, and to learn how to say "NO!"

nope. Your being nice because your avoiding not to hurt others.

I am always TOO nice for my own good. I let people walk on me. I want their approval so I am a people pleaser. I hate fights. Even with my parent. I dont stick up for myself rarely except with family! I got picked on when I was a kid a lot. All cause I am TOO nice for my OWN good! I hope to change soon! :/