Loving someone with depression

Since having a doctor over isn't an option (rural community, they just don't do that here) and I'm pretty much the only one left that hasn't given up on him so there's no one else to talk to him, would it be horribly wrong to make an appointment for him and take him there under false pretenses? I just mean I know he won't call and even if I do he won't be willing to go. The only way I could get him there was if he thought he was going because our child was sick or something. I know he'd be angry that I lied to him but under the circumstances do think it's the right thing to do?

Men are the worst when it cmes to depression, because they see it as a sign of weakness. I order for him to realize that he has an illness, just as if he'd caught the flu, you are going have to take charge. Find a support group for yourself, not only to help you help him, but to help you cope with the stress and worry. Keep in mind that your family doctor may not be fully qualified to deal with depression issues, and if you can't get your husband to go to counseling, maybe you should just go by yourself. It sounds to me that he's not the only one who's depressed. Get both of you some help, even if just an online community of other people dealing with depression.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry things have been difficult for you too. You've achieved more than most people with depression just by admitting you have it. I hope you are able to find peace soon.

I've been his strength and protected him for quite awhile now. I agree that putting too much pressure on him wouldn't help. With him though even the simplest things feel like pressure to him. Just asking is he's hungry (once, I don't bug him about eating all the time) gets him grumpy that I'm bothering him.

ur problem really seems very complicated!if he is such a kind of depressed person then it must affect his work life also.i guess that there's only a little chances of u two having normal talks in such a situation but have u ever tried to know what's going on in his professional life? is everything okey with him there?i hope i don't sound like quickly jumping to decisions but many a times husbands reacts in this way when they have some extra-marital relationships and they just can't dare to leave the wife for some reasons.i wish that is not in ur husband's case but it could be.best wishes!!

I have at times considered leaving him for awhile but it's not possible nor do I think it would work. We have a fairly traditional relationship. He is in charge of the money and owns everything. I am a stay at home mom with no real income. If I left him or made him leave under these conditions, he would not provide any support, he's already told me that. I couldn't even feed myself with what little money I do get. He would not suffer or be alone because his mother is a huge enabler. She's a wonderful person but she takes on other people's responsibilities without question. He would have her to fix his meals, do his laundry, clean up after him, she'll even wake him up for work. She's practically raised his oldest son for him because he's been battling depression off and on for so long.

Oh they do sound alike! He loses his temper so easily and says he wasn't yelling. Just last night he did this. He was mumbling to our son and I couldn't see what was wrong from where I was sitting. I asked what was wrong and he snapped at me about what our son was doing. I said ok I was just wondering you didn't have to yell at me and he (yelled) I wasn't yelling at you. He tried accusing me of lying at our counseling sessions but ours saw through it because what he was saying didn't really make sense. Right now he's gone back to saying I'm the one that's (messed) up in the head (I'm sure you can fill in the word he really uses) and when I tell him that I really don't think I'm having a problem he says I'm lying or that everything is all in my head and I don't know what reality is. I'll admit that in the past his behavior and the things he'd say to me really did make me feel like I was the one losing my mind. He had me so convinced that everything he said was true and got me so confused I went on medication myself even though I didn't "fit" into any of the guidelines for it. My doctor wasn't even sure I needed it but we tried anyway because I was so desperate to do anything to get our relationship back on track. It only made things worse because when me being medicated didn't change our relationship he accused me of not really taking it. I'm glad your husband found peace for a little while. Maybe reminding him of how good things were will be an incentive for him to get that refill. Good luck with it. I hope it all works out for you.

You're right yelling only makes him angry. Sometimes it just gets hard not too. I've tried talking and gently pointing things out but that made him defensive and angry. I'm not disagreeing with you at all though. That technique usually does work for people unfortunately I think he's too deep in it to help anymore. I'm so glad your mother is doing better. Even though I know I'm not alone, it sure is nice to have the reassurance.

I want desperately to get him to see our doctor. I've already discussed it with her about 2 months ago and she said to get him to come in. That's the problem I'm having, I can't get him to go. Since we've been struggling with this for so long I've done a lot of research on the disease itself and also non medical ways to help treat it (since he's been unwilling to see the doctor). I've found that love and support help a great deal. Now he's at the point that he either won't let me or he can't see what I am doing.

Thank you for the list of scriptures. I already knew them but a little reminder every now and then is good.

Unfortunately, he blames ALL his problems on other people. Analyzing it honestly I'd have to say that "we" contribute to his problems no more than any average "normal" family. Maybe even less because at this point we pretty much carry him. Outside of his job he literally does nothing. We've already tried a counseler, together and separately. He suggested medication and during my visits made it clear that I was not to blame.

Thanks for the support. It's so good to know there are people like you out there. He won't read any booklets or info but maybe a mini intervention could be arranged. Out of his family I think his sister would be the only one that cares and isn't one of his enablers. Thanks for the idea.

I've changed so many things, so many times since all this started with him just trying to keep up with what he'd say he wanted. Maybe you didn't think it came across in here but I'm the only positive thing he has. Do I feel like he's becoming a burden? Yes in a way he is but you don't know the whole story. You don't know how his refussal to do anything has affected our family. The role of a woman is to persevere. Ok but I'm playing the role of the woman AND the man now. So I don't see how or why I need to improve anymore or provide him with more physical or emotional support. I'm doing everything for him short of dressing and bathing and he only does that for himself when he has to go to work.

Yes, maybe i don't know the whole story. I only know a small part of it. You are the only positive thing in him? You say that because you take the part that he should do. You, in a way, free him from the resposibility because you take charge of it. If he consider you as the positive thing in his life, then he will not have done that treatment to you. Maybe incompatibility comes along the way. If he is not as cooperative as he should be as a husband or a father to your child, then maybe it is time for you to think and decide. It is hard to live in an environment where harmony is lacking. You might get suffocated because of it. I'm not saying that you are lacking in some point or the other. What I'm trying to say is look at the whole picture, not just your side. I'm trying just to help.

Sorry if it sounded like I didn't like what you said. I completely understood your point. I feel like I'm the only positive because I'm the only one that hasn't given up on him. I'm walking a fine line between helping and enabling though. We don't have harmony and I know that's hurting BOTH of us. I'm in a very difficult position, I know the strain of "us" is making it harder on him, I know I don't have the finances to leave, I know he would be worse if I left, I know I can't abandon him like everyone else has, I know he can be a really good partner and father. If we can only get through this and get him feeling better. But, he isn't willing because his emotions are so mixed up I really don't think he realizes what he's doing.

I'm glad to hear your brother was able to face his emotions and get help. People like that are among my heroes, I know how hard it is to take that step. I know he is not doing this deliberately, I just can't find the right words to get him to face up to it. I want so badly to get him help. I just feel as though my hands are tied until he is willing. I've considered lying to him and taking him to the doctor under false pretenses but I'm torn as to whether or not that would be right. I'm at the point where I don't care how mad he gets if it would help him in the end but I just don't know if I should take that chance.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sure you made the best choice for your situation. Because of the children I'm hoping I don't have to do that as well. Good luck in your new life!

Oh dear! Yes I'm feeling frustrated but I'm nowhere near feeling like that. I'm am so glad you were able to join a group that brought you peace in your situation. I have many, many things to keep my spirits lifted. I am only brought down by the fact that I love him so much and he his the one thing I can't fix. Thank you though for sharing your experience. It is an inspiration to know women like you are out there trying to better life for women in need.

We do have a doctor and I have talked to already about this. The reason I said it wasn't an option is because he won't go. I've talked to him before about making an appointment but he doesn't like going even for normal check-ups. The biggest thing that keeps me hanging on is knowing that it can be treated and that he really is a good person underneath it all.

"Getting rid of" the relationship would not be good with children involved. It would also not be possible because of the financial situation.

The situation does sound very similar. Thak you for sharing. The biggest question it comes down is just what you asked as well. How do you get help for someone who doesn't admit he needs it. I hope your situation improves as well.

But how long does one need to be patient? How much does one sacrifice? He's been spiraling downward over the past 4 years. I'm not going to get into the sacrifices but I will say there have been many. Thank you for understanding that I am feeling tired and not judging me harshly for it. It has been a very difficult time for all of us.

All of these are the other concerns I have that I KNOW are a problem. I'll go over them just so you all know. -Lack of sunlight- he works 12 hour (7 to 7) swing shift so on his working days he barely sees the sun. He's either sleeping or inside a windowless building. That adds up to 14 out of every 28 days. -vitamins- he barely eats, most days he might get one actual meal a day. I'll fix things or his mom will when he's there but most of the time he says he isn't hungry. His choice of food for what he does eat isn't balanced and not always healthy. No exageration here, besides what we try to get him to eat, his diet consists of soda, chips, canned beefaroni, pop tarts and once in awhile he'll heat up a can of peas. -exercise-he doesn't do regular work outs but his job is physical and so is his once a week during the summer hobby. I know it isn't enough but better than nothing. n his days off excersise consists or getting out of the computer chair to walk to the bathroom or get another soda. -lack of light or gloomy colors-I can't say much about his work environment, I've never been to his area. At "home" where he spends very little time I have things very bright. At his parents where he is most of the time now it's pretty dark, wood colored walls and his dad is a scrooge about electricity and only "allows" one lamp to be on in the main room at one time. I wish he had a time when it was under the surface. He used to but it's gotten progressively worse to the point where he's lucky to have a few good hours a week.

He is most definately lacking a spiritual life. I had a church but I gave it up because it bothered him so much. He doesn't not believe in God, he's just not sure and thinks the whole concept of going to church seems hypocritical. I tried really hard to understand where he was coming from but I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. I guessing he feels the same when I explain my feeling to him. I've still been praying for him and I have a group of mom's praying for him as well. I'd never heard the phrase "pleading the blood of Jesus" used. Our church used the laying of the hands and the authority given to us by Christ. I think in part, based on some of the things he's brought up, he's waiting for me to walk out. His relationship with his ex started going downhill after 2 years and she left him suddenly after just over 6 years. (fits the same time line). I'll keep praying and reassuring him the best I can though. Thanks!