is going out with a friend considered infidelity to a boyfriend?
By Autisteek
@Autisteek (326)
Philippines
February 12, 2007 7:35am CST
I have a male friend who is very funny. I am committed to a guy who is somewhat reserved. My guy & i seldom see each other, and my friend and I see each other more and spend time together more. My boyfriend thinks that I am using my friend to get the love that he (my boyfriend) can give and indirectly accuse me of cheating on him. Deep inside me, I know that I don't feel something for my friend. He's just my friend. And it annoys me that after a lot of reassurance and being faithful to my boyfriend, he always say that im turning to another man when he is not around. This frined of mine and I are really close and has confessed that he loves me. I have told him too that I cannot reciprocate what he feels for me because I don't feel the same. We have agreed to still continue being friends. I have told this to my boyfriend and he says he understands but everytime he's upset with his own life, he will pour his frustrations on me through the phone and would want me to do things I cannot do since im far. the he will say that I don't want to exert effort because I already have someone else. Does he have a right to accuse me of that? What should I do?
7 people like this
43 responses
@micheller (1365)
• United States
12 Feb 07
If he loves you than he should trust that you wouldn't be unfaithful to him unless he has a reason to not trust you. But, personally in my opinion, if you have a boyfriend then you shouldn't be really close with another male because in most relationships like that, an affair usually comes up at some time even if it's years later. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have male friends but, you shouldn't spend alot of time with him. Your boyfriend probably just feels that soon or later you will start to feel lonely because he isn't there to give you the amount of attention that this friend of yours is giving you and probably thinks you will start to turn to him and this will lead into something. I would think the same if my boyfriend had a close "girl" friend like that and was with her more than he was with me.
1 person likes this
@stefan_diego (556)
• Canada
12 Feb 07
no matter how much reassurance you give to your bf, it's not always enough specially if you're far apart and he knows someone cheers you up and the fact that you told him this friend has feelings for you threatens your relationship. it doesn't matter if you rejected your friend's feelings toward you. you're still walking on thin ice towards temptation and that's what your bf is afraid of. you should pay attention to what your bf wants sometimes. and do the little things he asks just to keep the love alive specially if he shows you how he feels for you too.
1 person likes this
@scorpio_teq (5)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
I've been with that situation so i know exactly how you feel . The difference is, I love my friend. In your case, I can't say it's infidelity because you don't feel something special for your friend . I suggest that you and your boyfriend talk and tell him exactly how you feel. And better, try to have him go out with you and your friend so he knows that you don't feel anything special for your friend.
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
really? what did you do? did you break up with your boyfriend? you know, I believe that breaking up with a boyfriend does not mean you have to commit yourself to the other. Sometimes we just need space to think things through, right?
@lisado (1227)
• United States
12 Feb 07
It sounds like he has had issues with cheating in the past. Did he ever have a girlfriend cheat on him? That's what it sounds like to me.
If he knows that your friend has feelings for you, he is probably worried that one day it will go farther than friendship. While he might trust you, it sounds like he doesn't trust your friend not to try to take things past friendship. While it isn't right that he accuses you of cheating, it sounds like he isn't very secure in your relationship, especially if he doesn't get to spend much time with you. It sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with your friend and is afraid that he will lose you to him.
1 person likes this
@victors4life (84)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Here are my thoughts long distance relationship are very hard on each person. These cirrcumstance are common for situations like this to happen. Your boyfriend has a point and should feel that there are no threats presented to loose what he has. Now as far as the friendship that you have it is unhealthy for you and your friend. Why is it unhealthy for the reasons that already have transpired, (your friend taking an intrest in you for one) and secondly, (unconciously you are filling in the absence of your boyfriend with the enjoyed company of your friend). My suggestion is to take a close look at the relationship that you are in and consider letting it go until both of you are able to be together and make a true commitment.
1 person likes this
@coolsid2007 (1030)
• India
12 Feb 07
I am not sure about the feelings ... you see human psych is not something we can play around with too much
First question ... would it be okay with you if the same thing happens to you ... your best friend and your boy friend...?
Second question ... you said your friend honestly said he loves you ... do you think your boyfriend knows about it or not?
Third question ... a matter of respect ... your close friend possibly not so close to your boyfriend might through his gestures upset your boyfriend... i dont know about others but as far as my experience is ... i would say your close friend definately knows that your boyfriend is having some problem... he will definately try to get in between both of you ... i think he already did !!!
Last point ... Matter of priority and seriousness.. most important note in a relationship that one should follow is ....
its not all that important to behave in a manner which partner likes
its actually a matter of not behaving in a manner which partner does not like
thanks
sid
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
thank you for the points to ponder... yeah its really on the matter of not behaving in a manner which a partner does not like. And this goes for both of us, for my boyfriend and I.
@coolsid2007 (1030)
• India
13 Feb 07
the important thing that i feel is to take an initiative, if you are reluctant to make a move from your side then you can wait for him
....
mygrl friend and myself had the same problem ... and the problem was the same from both sides ... but neither wanted to take the initiative to make the other one feel more secured ....
somewhere deep inside we both were insecured "WHAT IF THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON?" and so on many questions
eventually i took an initiative as i think i am a little more matured than my girl ... now its been 4 years since we are together soon getting married ... we dont need anyone else to share the feelings or dont need anyone to be with ... for me its just my girlfriend and for her its just me ...
Love and relationship is a great risk ... some work some dont ... you guys have to take the risk together ,,, if you do take a risk and he doesnt ... well you lose ..,, but hell what ... you have an entire life ahead of you and there will be many who can take risk just to be with you and only you ...
its not the matter of convenience but i guess its a matter of slight adjustment thats all ... either from your side or his ... both will have to change depending upon the common priorities
@melody1011 (1663)
• India
13 Feb 07
Since this friend of your's is in love with you, your boyfriend definetely has a right to feel insecure. I guess its not you that he does not trust but your friend. it might be better if you saw less of your friend and especially if you feel your current boyfried is the one for you. Maybe try to do more stuff that involves your bf like sending him messages frequently, maybe even talking less about your firend so that he does not get jealous. However if his jealousy is something you cannot handle it might be better if you guys split up.
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
yeah, i send him messages whole day long (its just our most convenient means of saying that i am just at the other end of the line)..... and I really seldom speak about my friend to him for a couple of weeks now.
@vampirestonez (1181)
• Pakistan
13 Feb 07
Well I can understand your situation very well. Well it seems your boy friend suffers from depression and that means that there is some tension on his mind or simply he is just because that's the way he is. I can only advise you to try to talk to him again and tell him how you feel when he accuses you of having a relationship with your friend. I know it can be a bit of a guilt with your friend proposing you but hey if you are honest and if you boy friend trust you then there should be no problem at all. Trust is something that holds the relationship together, if trust falls .... so do relationships.
@shinichi31 (126)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
huuuh.... well i dont think you'r boyfriend have the right to question your faithfullness to him, after all those reasurance that you give to him and even your friend... thres a saying that " a thief is a afraid to his co thief" hmmm maybe you'r the one who has the right to question him after all those things that you did to him still he's saying those bad things to you... well you don't deserved that... talk to him... ir's not right to put on you all his frustrations... you are his girlfriend not his shock absorber...
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
i've told my boyfriend everything, how upset I was about how monstrous be becomes when he nags at me over the phone. I even told him that I feel like he's pushing me away so he'd better stop. And I should say, yes, a thief is afraid of his kind and that thinkers are doers.. hahaha!
@samraf (725)
• India
13 Feb 07
well listen girl i really dont know how you people having you relation but i really wont to say you something specially the mentality of your boy freind.
well look you guys are not in meeting term regularly and for that you people having really a good reason behind it.
and as you said that your boyfreind is reserved and really care about you.
then he would be never bearing that you are going out or staying more then with your freind or more then him.
this thing is giving him really shocks and everything he might be having some imaginations and everything which could be negative.
if you really love your boy freind and care about him and the relation between you people then trust me. and try to avoid too much freindship with male.
else the future could be worst belive me .
i had this experience and everything just finish in a minutes,
Regards,
Sam
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
Yeah, I im trying to keep a little distance with my friend now, though Ive told him that when he needs me, Ill be around.
@trinidadvelasco (11401)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
Definitely, you are not cheating on your boyfriend because you are not having an affair with anyone else. Your boyfriend is not the kind of man you would want to settle down with. It appears you do not agree on lots of things which involve ingredients necessary for a lasting relationship. It seems clouds of doubt is over and above trust which he must have in you. Think it over. It will always be good to make the decision while you haven't tied the knot yet. Personally, I believe that we should not rest on the thought that if we find our partner too disagreeable to be with any longer, we just simply resort to divorce. Divorce hurts both individual undergoing the process very deeply. So spend time and thought on the men you may be going steady, are you really meant for each other? Observe. If the answer is no, forgo with it. If the answer is yes, grab it.
@oiixdaii (1059)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
If you are sure that you have no hidden feelings with you friend it is alright. For me, it is alright to go out with a friend because this is where you experience new things that you could share with your partner. If you make your life focused only on your partner, I'm sure there will come a time that you will get tired of being with him. I also believe that friends are different from a partner.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
12 Feb 07
That's a tough one because I'm not sure if I would like my boyfriend spending a lot of time with another woman (even if she is a very good friend of his). And the fact that your friend has confessed to you that he is in love with you, would surely make your boyfriend feel a little insecure. NO? i would be if i knew his woman friend was in love with him, even though I know he doesn't feel the same way about her.
It seems to me you both need to be spending more time with each other and then maybe a lot of the insecurities might go away. It doesn't mean you stop spending some time with your friend - just not all the time.
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
yes i know we need to spend more time together. But he works and I stidy. And he prefers that I come to his place than he comes over for me. He always says he's tired and busy... if not, he isnt feeling well. It is I who find ways to come to him, even if it means cutting classes since I come to school from 9am to 8 pm. I've told him how much we've been missing. He isn't the usually mushy and romantic guy, I know I have to live with it. But spending lesser and lesser quality time together makes me feel bored. And he has the nerve to say, "you don't exert effort on this relationship!"
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
There are two reasons why your boyfriend is jealous of your male friend: One - Your friend has feelings for you. Therefore, your boyfriend cannot trust him. Two - Your male friend has a better sense of humor, which all girls like. Therefore, your boyfriend really feels threatened.
However, you must have a clean conscience. The fact that you don't have feelings for your friend means that you're not cheating. Give yourself credit for being honest, telling your boyfriend about the whole thing, and reassuring him about how you feel.
You don't need to let go of your friend. Do try to lessen the time you spend with him. Try to spend more time with female friends. That should help calm your boyfriend. If it doesn't, then he's really got insecurity issues!
What I do find pathetic is that your boyfriend expects you to solve all his problems for him. He needs to grow up and fight his own battles!
What you need to do is decide how much you really love your boyfriend. The distance shouldn't be a factor. I, for one, believe that long-distance relationships can work. When you decide that you really want to be serious with him, then both of you should find ways to spend more time with each other.
Good luck!
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
13 Feb 07
nope its not..but i think that your boyfriend is having someone else too much jealousy means something...tell him whats in your mind ...and let him understand your side..your not still married to him you are still in the process of choosing whose the right guy for you...
@gendomingo (115)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
for me, it is not infidelity since you are open about your true feelings for your friend & for your boyfriend which both parties are aware of. but, i cannot blame your boyfriend if he gets jealous from time to time knowing you are always with your friend. i guess, the best thing for you to do is to lessen the frequent outings & companionship w/ your friend just to avoid any rift.
@amwilborn (9)
• United States
13 Feb 07
You're not doing anything wrong but if your friend loves you in the romantic sense then you may want to back off from him a bit. The time you are spending with him is quality time in his eyes and even if you are not romantically interested in him it doesn't change the fact that you are spending time with him in a manner not appropriate for "just friends." You boyfriend should be able to talk to you about his problems even if you don't have the answers, he is afterall your boyfriend, sometimes people just want to let their problems out by talking to someone. Just tell your boyfriend "I don't have the answers but I want you to know that I'm here for you, I'm listening and I'll do what I can to help you." Tell him for the last time only once that there is no one else that you're with him because you want to be with him and that you wouldn't bother answering the phone if there was someone else and that it hurts your feelings that he doesn't trust you.
Good luck
@vitonice03 (63)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
I dont think going out with a friend is sign of infidelity to your partner. So as long as you know the bounderies of your friendship and still respect your relationship with your love one.
