A mother's work is never done?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
February 12, 2007 9:08am CST
Yesterday was a bad day. I work Sundays, writing weekly analysis reports for a couple of clients. I have done this for a very long time and my family knows it's a work day for me, even though it's the weekend for everyone else.
So many things needed to get accomplished yesterday but it seemed liked everyone just waited around for me to be the traffic cop. I hate feeling like I have to keep the whole family on task, telling them "don't forget to do this" and "you have to do this NOW because you're running out of time." It seems like they all know what to do but they wait for ME to light a fire under them to actually DO it! The youngest person in our household is 13 -- plenty old enough that everyone should take responsibility for themselves, right?
Instead, I end up setting aside my work, making sure everyone is doing what they should be doing, helping with homework while sending my husband off with a shopping list and, then, by the time I'm ready to attack my work again, it's almost time for dinner. So many Sundays, I end up working until midnight (or later) while they all go to bed and get their full night's sleep.
I know they say "a mother's work is never done" ... but don't you feel like, at least SOME of the time, it should be?!
9 people like this
25 responses
@mobyfriend (1017)
• Netherlands
12 Feb 07
Phew when I read this I am thinking: When do you have time for yourself?
Frankly if this is your working day someone else should take over all your tasks that day. And your older children certainly could help out (like helping dad with the shopping). And of course your hubby needs to tell the kids what they have to do not you because you are working.
Certainly if you have done this for years you should make hours in the house where you are not to be disturbed.
Good luck.
3 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
12 Feb 07
Thanks mobyfriend :) This is one of the things about being self-employed and having an office in the house -- there isn't always as much division between "work" and "home" as there needs to be. Even if I'm in the office with the door closed, someone always comes knocking. You're right that they just need to take over for me. Maybe I need to set an actual schedule for them and just leave it up to them to follow it!
1 person likes this
@villageanne (8553)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Being a mother is very rewarding but it is a hard job. You are so right that a mothers job is never done. Even when they leave home, they still call for advice. I know how hard it is to be mom and work at the same time. Hope you find a way to do both because you do need time for yourself. Having time for yourself will reduce stress so you can do better at everything else you do
@western_valleygirl (1363)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I believe that I will end up being just like you. I do not have any children yet, but this cycle has already begun with just me and my husband. And, it had been like that even when I was living at home. I think that because we are good motivators, able to get things done, and multitaskers we end up in charge of making the whole world, or at least our families, go 'round. I spend my day making sure that everything gets done, reminding people of certain events, issues, etc. when really, I shouldn't have to. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I hope that we can both get it to stop. Perhaps, you will have to leave them to themselves for a while, and let them suffer the consequences, even if that means that they have to struggle to right things later, like grades, or getting somewhere on time. That way, they can learn to fend for themselves and be more responsible. Just because you are more than capable of managing their entire universe, does not mean that you should have to.
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I understand you are a good motivater but that should be the extent of it. They should do what they need to without you going behind them all the time. Let them take some inititive and do it themselves. As long as you do that they will let you.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
You are both SO very right! My husband tells me all the time that I should let the kids fail at something. He says as long as I keep pushing them along, they do extremely well but that, like it or not, they have to be responsible ALONE for some things. It's so hard because they're both great students and I know it would kill me to see them fail -- I'd feel like I failed too! But, like I told him last night, I finished school a LOT of years ago. I shouldn't still be thinking about homework! I really like that line: "Just because you are more than capable of managing their entire universe, does not mean that you should have to." I need to tape that up somewhere (maybe even on my forehead!) to remind myself! Thanks to you both for great responses here :)
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I feel that way ALL the time. I also wonder how I was elected the "expert on everything". When did that happen and why wasn't I advised? It can be so exhausting to spend all your time attending to all the problems of your family members.
My kids are 12, 15 and 55 ;) You'd think the youngest one would be the least responsible? He's actually the only one that remembers when and how things are supposed to be done. It makes me crazy!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
LOL! I always say I have three kids too... the oldest being the husband ;) Apparently that election takes place when you get married and you get re-elected with each child -- no one bothers to advise you because your seat will be uncontested every time :::grin:::
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
13 Feb 07
I know the feeling. I have four children from ages 3 to 10 plus medical conditions in the family. My daughter has adhd and seizures. My husband has seizures too. If I got sick and had to stay in bed, my house would be destroyed and nothing would get done. I always felt like there's not enough time in the day to get everything done. Now I have given my oldest two children simple chores and my husband in order for me to get a second of peace. As far as sleep, I'm still working on that. I might get four hours a night. It takes time to train your family to help. We have also set a routine up in my house to where everyone knows what to do at what time. So far it's getting better. You can't do everything because your body will retire sooner or later. Get help from the family in order to rest.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
You're very right, jbones... physically we can't "do it all," even if we foolishly try. I'll be the first to admit that I have had periods of time where I will suddenly experience since intense fatigue that I don't know how to stand. I end up heading for my bed or the nearest place I can lie down. I don't blame my family either - don't get me wrong - because I do it to myself by working too long and pushing too hard. As you've said, the body eventually pushes back ... and when it does, we don't get a choice about listening!
I may very well follow your lead about determining certain times that things need to be done in the house. I mean, I can remind my daughters that they each need to clean a bathroom on a Saturday and one might do it right away and the other won't do hers until three or four hours later, after lingering over eating breakfast and reading the newspaper. Some people would say "What's the big deal, as long as it gets done?" but it can interfere with other things we want to do, if one person doesn't pull their weight. Thanks for the response and suggestion :)
@kims374 (300)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I totally agree!!
Have you ever noticed too if you are away from the house for a full day to do something important, the place is a mess- can't anyone straighten up when you are not around!!
that is such a pet peave of mine...no one can do anything!
@wahmbuddy (391)
• Canada
12 Feb 07
I agree, moms should get help and we also should be able to take time for ourselves.
I am a single mom. Both of my kids have disabilites that don't allow them to take part in household chores and the like very much. In addition, I'm trying to work on and increase my home business.
Most days this is my life and I enjoy it, but some days like today started off bad and is just spiraling to worse. Thankfully those aren't that often.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
Awww, know that you have a kindred spirit in me, wahmbuddy. I was a single mom of two for quite a number of years after my divorce and, during that same time, was the live-in caregiver for my mom who was terminally ill with cancer. She couldn't do almost anything for herself by that time (including eating). Some days you just wish you could pull the blankets over your head and start over "tomorrow." I agree that, thankfully, it doesn't happen too often. Keep your chin up!!
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
I think you should make them all a schedule. Either that, or make your kids finish their homework on Friday night and Saturday so that they can just do their household chores on Sunday. If you have a set schedule, then they just do the same thing every week. Maybe have a certain time in the day, like a half an hour per kid, where you will help them get started, and then when the time is up, they have to do it on their own and you can move on.
My parents never helped me with my homework, and they didn't help my sisters either. My youngest sister actually had a lot of trouble with her work, and they just told her to ask me for help. I swear I spent more time helping her with her homework than doing my own, but at least that way my mom managed to get dinner on the table and all homework done and then she could have time to herself after dinner.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
I realize, in looking back, that my mom DID help both me and my sister with our homework when we were young (elementary school age, basically). She taught us how to do research and how to write a project -- and, from then on, we did things on our own. I "thought" I was doing that with my kids too. I've taught them good research skills, how to organize their time and materials, all of those things. Yet they still stumble on actually getting started!
I don't know what's so intimidating about their workloads but there's something. As I mentioned to another person here, I do have a rule about no finishing assignments the night before the due date. They have to have them done with a full day to spare. My younger daughter said to me recently, "You know Mom... I'm glad you make us follow that rule. At school, the day before our projects are due, everyone's panicking and complaining and I stand there smiling because mine is already done!"
Key part of that sentence was, "you make us follow that rule." I need to get them to the point where I don't have to remind them. THEN, I'm takin' a bubble bath!! LOL
@maximus2006 (835)
• Hong Kong
13 Feb 07
ya,I think that mother is the greatest person in the world. Mother is always doing something,such as cooking for the family,taking care of the baby, doing some cleaning or washing etc. Even when others in the family are sitting in the front of TV after dinner, mother still has her own housework to deal with. maybe most of mother in the world are doing a similar job.
I think it is unfair, so when I stay at my home, I often try to help my mother to do some housework. maybe what I have done can't release her burden,but I think she may be pleased to find that I understand what she have done for my familly.
so bless all the mothers in the world!
wish all the mothers always healty and beautiful!!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
I bet your mother really appreciates the help that you give her :) It's a very kind thing to make someone's burdens a little lighter. Thanks for your nice response!
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I think yes it should be done.. but it doesn't seem to be does it? That sounds like my every day during the work week... Get up get ready, help my daughter get ready, go to work.. come home help with homework, make dinner, run to basketball, grocery shop, pick her up , come home, spend about 1 hour chilling with my daughter, Off to bed-- spending time with fiance, get ready for bed- make sure things are out for mornings, pick up the house, then head to bed--
It's never done.. But you know what I wouldn't trade it for the world! I love being a mom!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
Amen! Me TOO! I guess that's the whole point of WHY I do it, even though it means I have days (like today) where I wake up feeling like I've been run over by a truck... LOL I love my family dearly and I know that's why I try so hard for them. But, what I need to learn is to set some boundaries for myself. That's what I'm NOT good at. Have a great day!
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I would post a chore chart on the wall with details of who should be doing what and when. If they choose to not do what they are supposed to do then I would say there needs to be consequences. When I have work that has to get done I hang blanket up over the "office" door everyone knows that until that blanket is down mom is not at home she is at work.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
When I had my new office built last winter, I decided a french door would be nice, instead of a standard wood door. I was thinking I'd be able to have the door closed for work but still see into the family room so I could keep an eye on what was going on out there. Somehow, I forgot that they could also stand there looking IN at me until they got my attention LOL
I've been thinking of going back to the chore chart idea... I had one when the kids were younger and first starting to do specific tasks. I'm thinking, if they're going to all stand around like confused preschoolers without me directing traffic, it may be time to put it back up! Thanks for the reminder :)
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
12 Feb 07
It sounds like they know it will get done whether they do it or not. You know good ole mom. She will take care of it. I would put my foot down and have a family meeting and explain to them as far as you can count there is more than one person living in the house. That you are not a maid and that they will take responsibility for helping around the house. Each and every one of them are old enough to take on the responsibility and it should start with dad. If he helps you enforce that they have to help as well as himself helping things would change. One thing I would definitely let them know is that you are no longer going behind them and make sure they do what they should and that you definitely are not going to do their jobs for them. It will be hard for you to stand by that at first but when they start to come around it will be worth it.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
I think I'd be a lot more successful if I did what you suggest and had a sit-down meeting about it. What ends up happening is that I just lose my temper and go off on a yelling tangent about how "I'm NOT the maid around here and I'm fed up of having to....blah blah blah" and it goes on from there. I think they must tune me out when I do that. I get tired of listening to MYSELF, you know? A more structured, less angry discussion would probably be the right thing for everyone concerned :) Thanks a lot for your suggestions!
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I feel the same way. The work is endless, whether it's housework, freelance work, waiting hand and foot on the kdis, bathing them, doing laundry etc. etc. etc. I take very little time for myself. Of course my kids are still little, but I wodner if this will ever change. The children seem to expect mom to do certain things. My husband is helpful though, IF I ask him.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
That's the key to my issue right there, awonderfullife... I have to TELL them what to do. They all know what needs doing and they are all good at helping, once they get moving... but if I don't direct traffic (as I've said in another response), they sort of "wait around". Sometimes, I ask if they're waiting for the show to start. Of course, they look at me with that "HUH?" expression but it gives me a little chuckle at a much-needed moment lol
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
12 Feb 07
Amen sistah! I can appreciate the women that have gone on strike :-). I actually left my hubby for 6 months last year (it gave him a taste of everything that has to be done around here). Anyways, we are back together and he helps out A LOT (so do my kids ages 9 & 13)
While I don't recommend this for everyone, you need to be vocal and not feel that you have to do everything yourself!
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
I'm glad it all worked out for you, cher! That's great! People don't tend to appreciate (or even notice!) what they have sometimes. I think I'm lucky in the fact that my husband DOES do stuff around the house and he's not "picky" about what jobs he'll do and not do... I mean, he'll do dishes or vacuum or clean a bathroom or whatever... I think what galls me is how they can all DO the jobs -- they just seem to be waiting for a starter's pistol or something! LOL That part drives me nuts. I may need to install a traffic light to give a clear START NOW signal! ;)
@vhansen (2029)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Amen sister-friend.When I started working overnight a few years ago,not only did I have to learn a new job with new hours but try to learn to sleep of a day too.Even harder was teaching my family that yes,mommy must have sleep and can't take care of every detail.I finally lost it and told my children(teenagers)that unless they were 'shot,stabbed,bleeding,broken or on fire' not to wake me up.It's amazing how well they learned to adjust and do for themselves.I don't suggest you go to that extreme but you will have to work something out in order to get your work done.I wish you luck and hope you too have a happy ending.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
13 Feb 07
LOL thanks for that! I think I'll make a sign that gives that exact list and I'll stick it on the fridge! :)
I can relate to the night work... I had a contract job for about a year that meant I had to start work around 4:45PM and I didn't get home until 11PM earliest (but often, it was 1 or 2 AM). My husband took care of making dinners and they got the dishes done... but I still had to get up at 6AM and make sure the kids were out of bed and moving (my husband starts work by 4:30 AM, so he's already long gone). I don't have a car during the day to get them to school if they miss the bus so I make SURE they are out the door every morning LOL
I definitely have to re-work the routine around here. I find it works well for awhile and then they start slacking off. A swift kick in the behind (figuratively speaking) is in order now ;)
@SimplyJo (1694)
• India
14 Feb 07
I agree with you - Mom's MUST get a break once in a while. I'm not a mom but i DO know how hard my mom's days are. she does all the household work plus runs a boutique full time from home ! Apart from that, take care of all cooking,chores and taking care of me and dad - she is busy throughout the day and works her heart out. i really don't know how i will ever run a family - it's tough work, alright !
1 person likes this
@jsae29 (1120)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
Yes, being a mother is a tough job. One of my cousin gave me a bookmark and something about motherhood is written in there. To wit: Motherhood is a tough 24 hour job. No Pay. No day Off. Most often Unappreciated. And yet, Resignation is impossible.
1 person likes this
@essilem (286)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
That's why they say a mother's job is just like 7-11, it never stops, never close. But yes, sometimes we experience occasional burnouts, we are after all human. Just remember though it looks like you are needed to tell them what to do, all memeber of the family look up to you and respect you and without them saying it you are appreciated. A home is not the same without a mother, she is the light of the house while a father is the strength.
