How can I convince someone not to get married?
By Autisteek
@Autisteek (326)
Philippines
February 12, 2007 9:40pm CST
My cousin is a mother of two boys with different fathers(Kim is 11 and Kyle is 4). She is promiscuous and very careless of her life and her kid's welfare too. She has no job (and doesn't want to work..) and is dependent with her younger child's allowance which is given monthly by the kid's Father. She has been neglectful of her kids and often brags to her friends that her mom and Kim's godmother (which is me) will take care of her kids so she has nothing to worry about but herself. She's been dating here and there, hopping on bars and beds, and now she wants to get married with a sea man she's just known for a fey days. Its so infuriating! She has no self-respect and sense of responsibility.. and now she wants to get married and raise a family!!! I can't believe she can still think of those things while seeing her kids get hungry everyday. She asked me if im in favor of her getting married and i said NO. And she asked me why. I said back that if she cannot take care even of herself (as it is) and of her two kids, I don't think she will be capable and be responsible enough to raise a family with a new guy who she barely know! And she doen't want to listen to all of us in the family. Even of her mom! she complains about how's her own happiness. I don't know how to make her see that its her two kind who will suffer and they're HER KIDS, not someone else's kids that she can just ignore and not share her life with. Im really bothered with how the kids maybe and Im already planning of permanently taking Kim in with me. But that would give her lesser reasons of not getting married. What would I do? please help.
1 person likes this
2 responses
@oseasallenmarc (168)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
So sad. Your cousin is really so bad. She should be ashamed of herself by making her kids suffer,neglecting them,and most of all thinking only of herself. But sadly you cannot do anything about it. She is already a grown up and the only thing that could make her change is herself. I think she is trying to escape all the responsibilities,problems,and anxieties that she have by getting married. I think she lacks attention or maybe the past relationships that she had made her longing,wanting,and dying to have a real lasting relationship. Maybe you could talk her into seeing a professional if all the love and concern you have given her is not yet enough for her to knock her back to her senses.
Explain to her how her decision would be affecting not only you but most important her kids.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
13 Feb 07
First, I see a mixed message here...if she cannot take care of herself, then she needs a husband. She needs the income.
Second, if she is able to remain unemployed, and she hasn't been charged with her kids being starved, how are they going hungry...and kids do GET hungry on a daily basis so that is a normal thing.
Third, Her kids will suffer with a second income in the home?...huh?
Sounds to me like your arguments are those that are in the "she is behaving in a way that I cannot so she has to be a horrible person", vein.
Sue for custody if you must but remember, unless there has been any interaction with social services, unless the children are not thriving, then her behavior is just and only that ...her behavior...and not an indictment of her parenting skills.
Are the kids cared for when she goes out? Really, she is an adult and does have the right to maintain adult relationships. I suggest you reevaluate your complaints and be sure you aren't simply scandalized at her ability to juggle so many thing with apparent ease.
I know I amprobably missing a whole lot of details that you couldn't include here. My response is based on what I see in your post here.
@Autisteek (326)
• Philippines
13 Feb 07
there will be no second income in the house when she gets married. Whenever Kyle's allowance comes, she buys her own stuff: new bags, clothes, accessories. The kid barely had a new pair of shoes. And she uses the money to go to disco houses, leaving her kids (KIM) to me and (Kyle) to her mom and she will go out all day and do whatever she wants. When she gets home, she complains why her mother haven't saved any food for her. She always nags about her life.. that her parents cannot give them a luxurious living and all that.. its sickening. Ive never seen her act her age. She's 31 years old and haven't even had a real job in her life. There was even a time when I came to their house (which was beside my sister's office) and Kim ran to me and said "I'm going home home with you. I haven't had my lunch yet." and its 4pm. Here in the philippines, bringing this situation to the social welfare department is a very big scandal.. and her lenient parents wouldn't turn her in.
She has been allowing Kim to play network games all day than go to school so that the kid will have nothing to say too if she goes to the computer rental shop to chat for hours without thinking of cooking their meals or earning for their bills. She just look for boyfriends. She even asked me if i wanted one! Its a very known fact in our family that is very negligent of everything.
If she's going to marry just for the money, I don't think its a doog idea too. would you want a husband for the purpose of having someone to look after you and earn for you?
Next, the kids get hungry if they're with her. But since other people helps, they get fed. But we will not be there all the time and having someone to help does not give anyone a license to be irresponsible.
