What if your kids won't talk to you?
By cf44867
@cf44867 (42)
United States
February 14, 2007 6:43pm CST
I have 3 boys that have really been through hell in their life. Long story short they live with their dad by choice, sort of. When they were 5, 3 and 1 their father took off with them and it took me 3 years to find them. At that point the younger two had no clue who I was and the oldest thought I was dead. Through a lot of therapy I felt it was best to leave them there rather than put them through hell again...Here in the past year the oldest that is 16 now and the youngest who is 12 have stopped speaking to me. The oldest claims that I did things to his SSN card and birth certificate when he was young just so I could hurt him later in life. When I questioned him further he said his father told him all about it. No matter what I say or do with the oldest and youngest it gets me no where. Do I keep trying to stay in contact with them or give them their space. Their father and I do not get along to say the least. My middle son and I have a pretty good relationship and his brothers won't say a lot to him...I will never give up completly on them! Just not sure how much room to give them. Suggestions?
7 people like this
38 responses
@jan1972 (80)
•
15 Feb 07
My niece stopped having contact with her father 3 years ago, now she regrets it, and would like to see him again, Unfortunately he gave up on her and we are having to try and track him down as he has moved and his parents (who she never saw anyway) are refusing to tell her where he is.
I would keep in contact with them, but do not put undue pressure on them. just keep in contact to keep the door open should they change their mind. In my experience teenagers are easily influenced, (in this case it would appear by their father). One day they will reach an age where they realise that there are two sides to every story and will want to hear what you have to say.
It might take them a few more years, but be strong.
Janette
1 person likes this
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
15 Feb 07
i understand your plight on that situation ...since your sons wont listen to you then give them some space first then try sending them email or letter and explain further in there about whathappen..do you have any relatives that you think will help you or assist you in explaining to your sons???and also close to them?? plss try maybe they can help you..
@cf44867 (42)
• United States
15 Feb 07
The boys have recently started reaching out to my family. The youngest one went over to my grandmother's on his own one night. In general both my family and their father's family encourage the boys to have a relationship with both of us. Unfortunately the boys rarely see their father's family. When he took off he didn't stay in contact with them. I try to make sure his family knows where the boys are now though, I've even taken the boys to see them. When Brad left with them he totally changed, married the young babysitter and mainly sees her family, each one of her family has lived with them. The boys feel all of this is normal since they grew up with it. Heck when I first found them and got them in therapy even their father was bold enough to tell the counselor that they shouldn't call me mom because it would be too confusing! The boys still won't call me mom in their fathers house or where he or their step-mom can find out. Our families encourage the boys to call me mom and their dad, dad. It has got to be so confusing for them.
@Avinio (88)
• Israel
15 Feb 07
Wow...that's really not nice situation.
you know, i past it myself, when i was young and stupid, and decided to take my things, to leave the country without telling no one where i go and just left.
i guess my parents were almost getting crazy cause of that...:(
i know i was silly, but i guess younger are just like that.
the best thing to do it's not to push them, and always try to talk with them, but avoid any misunderstanding, and fights, even if you know you are right.
in the end?
in the end i think they will come back home just like i did, cause after all, there is no one else then mumm and daddy. good luck!
@Sawsen (793)
• United States
15 Feb 07
That's extremely sad. I think your therapist is right though, leaving them with their father is the best decision.
In terms of communication, I think maybe you should try to get a little one on one time with them if possible. It seems like they have been told so many lies. If anything, I'm sure they're extremely angry at the circumstance, not at you. And I'm sure they really want you in their life, but their hesistant. I think they're hesistant because maybe they think you'll disappear again if they get to close to you.
@cf44867 (42)
• United States
16 Feb 07
I agree with you about them being afraid I will disappear again. I know their dad has told them I will. The youngest went so far as to ask if his step-mom could adopt him because she is always there. What he doesn't remember is when his dad first started using her as a sitter I had to go to court and stop it cause they all three had terrible night mares! So he ended up marrying her so I had little say so. I would never tell the boys things like that, or that their father is bi, or any of the hundred other problems we faced. They deal with enough, they don't need more worries in their lives. When they are old enough they will know though.
@cjthedog64 (1552)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Sorry you're having such problems with your kids. I'm sure there was a lot of damage done by their father, and it will take lots of time before that can be repaired. If you can, get them into some counseling too. They can help the kids learn what's normal, and how people can be manipulated. Also, don't argue with them about what's true or not. Just reassure them that you love them, etc. You might want to write a letter or put together some of the documentation you have of your search to find them, etc. I wouldn't show them any of that right now, but when they're adults and out of their fathers' direct control, they might appreciate knowing what you've done for them and tried to do. At this age, and without help from the courts, it's probably too late for you to have a normal relationship with them. Once they are adults though, they will hopefully give you a chance. You can also see if they'll talk to other family members and maybe that will help.
@dbeamon (128)
• United States
15 Feb 07
i have dealt with basicly the same thing. my exhusband took off with my kids for almost 2 yrs when he reutrned with them my daughter was 2 1/2 and she didnt know me. my son did but she didnt. i have been dealing with dad says so it must be true. i finally confronted him about it all in front of the kids. yes it was an emotional time, however my kids now come to me and ask before they just assume what dad is saying is true. i try to be completely honest with them and tell them what happened. as for not getting along with your ex neither do i but we do try to get alond for the kids sake. my ex even told my kids that if they came to live with me he would have me arrested and put in jail. so yes i do know what u are going thru. if u would like a shoulder to cry on feel free to email me. u and ur kids are in my prayers. as for the communication with the other two boys keep on it dont stop trying to include or talk to them. i would even suggest some counseling for all of u.
@cf44867 (42)
• United States
15 Feb 07
My ex did the thing with telling the boys that I would be arrested if they even tried to stay with me.
We did the counseling for a while until my ex decided he didn't like what was being said and then wouldn't allow the boys to go any longer. It's nice to know there are others that are going through this though!
@owens07 (325)
• Puerto Rico
18 Feb 07
Send them an email. They'll read it. Let them know that you're ready to talk when they are. The subject of your email might read Ready to talk? so if they don't open it they'll still get the message. Keep doing positive things in their lives and don't give any indication that you expect anything in return. They'll soon see that the positive far outweighs the bad. Definitiely don't pressure them. They'll just use that as an excuse to keep rejecting you.
@nana1944 (1364)
• United States
15 Feb 07
It is so hard when someone tells the children that the other parent has done something.The child doesn't know who to believe and they tend to believe the one who is with them the most. That makes it very hard for the non-custodial parent. As for staying in contact with them, I would if it were me. Otherwise they would probably think that you didn't care at all. I wouldn't however expect to be in contact everyday. Give them so space but do not cut them out entirely. Do your parents have any place in the children's lives. If so maybe spend time with them there. I never had a situation like this so all I can tell is what I would try if it were me. I hope and pray for you that things improve.
@krislouiebaby (2346)
• Philippines
16 Feb 07
your children grew up without you, that is why they are aloof.
do not push yourself too hard on them, just be gentle and slow.
i am sure they will know you as time goes by.
since you are not okey with their daddy, it will be hard for you to get their attention.
give them space.
be thankful, at least you have good relationship with your middle son,,,i am sure your other kids will do that too,,in time...
be patient,,
after you are their mother, and no one will take that away from you, you have all the right....
good day...
@babydolphin (536)
• Australia
16 Feb 07
It is hard because they live with their father and of course they believe what their father has told them about you. Im sure it is a lot of hateful things, because he doesnt want these guys to have any relationship with you. He try to make them think that you cause all the problems and are trying to hurt them. So what I think is better for you to do is to give them a bit of space, and keep on trying to make contact and keep in touch with them, even if they are hostile to you. And also, bring this into your prayer, so that God can help them to accept you and to forget about the past. Show your love to them through your middle son. And just keep on showing it so that they know you are genuine in this, and that you really want to get to know them better and not to hurt them at all anymore. :) Good luck
@richasexy1989 (6)
• India
15 Feb 07
i want to talk to the kids that pls enjoy your childhood bcuz v r missing it very much
@flagbabygirl (891)
• United States
16 Feb 07
I lost 2 of my kids to my exlast year because I missed a mediation hearing and the judge refuses to look at any of my paperwork! I have been trying to file for custody change since the December before this last one! I talk to them all the time and they know their dad is messed up! I am trying to get them to say they want to come home butm it is hard they love their dad and he lies to them and tells tham if they come back to me they will never see him again! I tried to say that wouldn't happen but it's happening to me right now so they beleive him! Iguess you just have to keep tryting there is nothing else we can do! It sucks I raised them from birth and was a stay at home mom!
@lastcrush2003 (379)
• India
15 Feb 07
well mam i don have any kid so i can't say about it but one thing i can sat it might be too hurting when our own kid won't talk to us
@fitzui83 (17)
• Philippines
15 Feb 07
Never giving up on them is a good thing, after all they are your children. But, you can't get back the years that you were not with them, you don't know what their father told them about you. Just try to be yourself around them and prove your husband and your children wrong. If they know and trust you well enough, i think they open up somehow. Patience,,,
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
15 Feb 07
I do not have any experiance in this area but I would advice you to keep trying and keep convincingt hem that u love them and would never try to hurt them. eventually they will realise that the father poisened their minds against you coz the truth always comes out, sooner or later.
I am sure this is very hard for you, but keep fighting for them!
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
15 Feb 07
I really feel for you and your boys. What your husband did was wrong and the worst part is that the boys are the ones paying the highest price for this. I would say that the best thing for you to do is be there for them. I would not force them into anything but I would be there everytime that they needed you. If they ask questions then give them a completely honest answer, if they don't believe you don't worry as something will happen and they will learn the truth. Eventually things will start adding up to these boys and they will see who it the one that has been lying and telling them stories, when this happens they will come to you as you will have been the only one there for them and honesty will be so important.
@joey_matthews (8354)
•
15 Feb 07
They'll have a reason.
I would find what that was, also there's ways of making a child see that you care. if they don't open up then i would act silly and see if i could make my child laugh.
For whatever reasons i don't think this will happen to me because i know bullys often make children do this and i won't let my son get picked on. (I'm teaching him to stand up for himself)
Any other reason i wouldn't know but i wouldn't sit around.
Kudos!
~Joey
@jackgreen (82)
•
15 Feb 07
i think that you should leave them alone completeley they obviousley have been manipulated by the father and they trust him so you are in a tough spot
@kittyloki (140)
• United States
15 Feb 07
Don't give up on those kids. I wouldn't talk to my father for many many years. I thought he was horrible person but it turned out my mother was the horrible one. (kind of of long story) now I get along before with my dad than I do my mum. don't give up
