disciplining a child......

children and their ways - children and their likings n dislikings

@soumyaraj (401)

India

February 19, 2007 1:22am CST

Last night I did something which I would always hate to remember ever....my son had a test tdy for which i kept on telling him to study....he just sd mama, i know everything there is nthing to study ....so i too didnt force him to study...he kept on playing, seeing television, ....in the night i just thought of cking out on him .....i kept on asking questions radomly .....he answered all except for two, I got so angry that i spanked him so hard ....i lost all my cool ....and i started screaming....just because he couldnt answer all questions correctly.....but then i thought how i use to get annoyed whn my parents scolded me...i stopped... I know its nt good to spank ur child ...but sometimes u just loose ur cool ....u just remember that how they didnt listen to u after repeated reminders....u loose ur senses.. u seem to forget how u behaved when u were a kid ...ur kid might not like things u didnt like when u were a kid like...scolding, which i hated whn i was kid ....but we seem to forget everything n want our kid to b perfect....and it heightens ur problem if ur kid is intelligent one.....u r in a habit of seeing full marks always n whn he gets a mark less it agrives us.....though it may be just a single marks n nt the only test in life...we behave in manner which states it is his last test....I just couldnt sleep properly .....i just kept on thinking about my crazy behavior....

4 people like this

24 responses

• China

19 Feb 07

One is not always able to take back what is siad and undo what have been done. But it is often advisable to learn a lesson of what is said or done for the future. so do not worry about it any more. If you really regreted what is done. just say sorry to your son. School tests are used to check the real quality of learning and teaching. If a student just tries to remember something he/she does not understand. He may get a high mark for the test while knowing nothing about it. This will send a wrong message to both the students and the teachers. Actually school test is not a contest through is often mistakened as.

3 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

I have already said sorry,he is just 8 yrs that the reason he doesnt take anything to heart....the main thing ,that angered me was that when i asked him that he is prepared he said yes ....and kept on playing and seeing television .. My son is the kind who will ask u thousand question n bug u if he dsnt understand, and would refuse go further without understanding....so I dnt have to worry in that area...at least...

1 person likes this

@sarah6153 (57)

• United States

19 Feb 07

Um, maybe I am the only one here that sees a problem with this but honestly if he is the first in his class and he knew like 95% of the material, why would you take your response to these extremes? You maybe should seek counseling to help with your.... perfectionist tendencies and aggression. Also you should really be careful because my mother used to freak out on me for small small stuff like that and go way overboard with discipline (she was a single mom and under a lot of pressure... are you a single mom too?) and I have forgiven her but am still resentful in the back of my mind. boys are far more likely just to distance themselves from their parents which presents problems in late teen years and then with communication once he moves out. good luck.

3 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

thanks SARAH , for advice , my husband has always been cool about our sons exams n test ,he himself was brought up in a very liberal atmosphere....so that may b reason for his attitude ...and he has turned up brilliantly ...he completed his engineering from an IIT ,which is one of the best institute in india...but since I was brought up in a very strict environment , I cant take a single act of indiscipline,however small... Though it is another issue that I feel miserable after scolding, and it hurts me mentally very much.... My parents too now say that the world has changed u shouldnt bring up ur children the way we brought u up....and u have b more careful if u have a boy since they can become unruly easily with too much strictly....

1 person likes this

@sanell (2112)

• United States

19 Feb 07

well the only thing I can say is that at times I can really get annoyed when I see my child misbehaving but I do try to think about how I was, and i turn and walk away to catch myself with my cool. I feel that I am blessed to have my children we all want to do what is right for them and sometimes yes we can lose our cool. I do think you went just a little bit overboard though just because a few questions were missed, I mean, 2 questions missed? That is nice of yu to run through the questions with him, it gives him the opportunity to understand that maybe he needs to study a little bit more...Anyway,

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

19 Feb 07

I know I really over reacted ,he comes first in his class , n when he couldnt answer 2 questions, i thought he wl lose his position....I know i am also behaving like my mom she too use to behave in the same manner which use to annoy me , and i use to tell myself that i wl nvr behave like her....but then i too is behaving in the same manner.... My mom is very loving , but when it comes to studies she is damn serious....

1 person likes this

@freyawalaha (1)

• Romania

19 Feb 07

The best teaching we can offer to our children is the personal example. We must not forget that they are individuals as well, and they just sometimes know what is good for themselves. Agression is not a solution, never was.A child under stress just don`t work properly. Maybe if you wouldn`t stress him he would have answer all the questions. If you lose your temper just for this, you are not helping yourself. There are much important things in this world than a few questions at a test.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

19 Feb 07

You r absolutely correct, in stess nobody works well even we adults falter in stress ....may b next time I wl keep my cool intact....

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@smacksman (6053)

•

19 Feb 07

First off I would like to say that you are not unusual - you have lost your cool with a child. So have I, so have most parents. Smacksman's words of wisdom to parents #376... Smack your childs bottom when they really deserve it BUT do it early and BEFORE you are angry while you still have self control. The younger the child is when you first do this the better. Next time the child will know they have gone beyond the limit of acceptable behaviour and stop before you loose your temper. Here endeth Smacksman's words of wisdom to parents #376.

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words of wisdom

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@smacksman (6053)

•

19 Feb 07

It always hurts you more than him. It SHOULD hurt you more than him because that is the cross a good parent has to bear. It should mean you have disciplined him before you you got angry and so controlled your strength. The modern element who do not condone corporal punishment are copping out of their responsibilities - they are taking the easy way out and justifying it to themselves as being non-violent. Sorry, but the state of our young today prooves that is a myth.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

19 Feb 07

thank you so much for ur respnse and advice smacksman, and I PROMISE I WL PAY HEED TO IT..... I keep on regreting after such act I feel so miserable,Though my son dsnt think much about such act but I feel so bad....I feel it hurts me more than him....

1 person likes this

• United States

20 Feb 07

Very good advice smacksman!

2 people like this

@slickcut (8141)

• United States

20 Feb 07

i wouldn't stress over it ,he didn't know them all..you probably got to thinking how you told him over and over and he paid no attention,so you got up and ask him and when he did not know it made you mad..I have done the same thing ,all of us have.It was hard to sleep because you felt guilty like we all do...Parents are eat up with guilt ..Just talk to him,tell him you lost your tmper,tell him you love him and forget it..thats what I use to do..Now that my kids are grown they laugh about it,and tell me stuff that they got away with and i never knew they did LoL...My kids tell me that they deserved what they got because i missed more than half the stuff they did that was bad....its not easy being a parent...

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disciplining a child

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

I really loved reading to ur post....and the way u explain things.....you must be proud to have such a sporting children.....who say that they deserve what they got..... YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A GREAT MOTHER!!!!

@tinakalra25 (85)

• India

20 Feb 07

This is a very common situation which most of us come across to..I have faced this problem with my nephew...He was not a very sharp kid in studies but excel in sport activities..but as usual all of us kept on pastureing him ever and ever for studies,and poor llittle guy had to take a lot from all family members until his sports teacher spoke to his mother and informed us that he is really good in running..and today he participates at state level championships..and fairs pretty ok in his studies..And we all feel that now he is not that ignorant towards studies as he used to be

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Thanks Tina, for sharing this with me....I will try not to take his studies so seriously.....and be patient with him...

@GardenGerty (160949)

• United States

19 Feb 07

I have been angry about other things, but not so much grades. I will say that my kids are adult now.It was not them, but another child that lived with me that made me angry, and it was her behavior. When my son was in the gifted program and I got upset about a low grade his teacher explained to me that if I made him do the work and learn, the grade became mine, and if he, the teacher, made my son stay after school and study, the grade became his. The teacher gave me the gift of allowing my son to own his own work, and I could just be the mom, and not be so tied into his scores.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

Thanks garden for ur reply, just like u my husband too keeps on telling me to take his studies less seriously and let him be....but I tend to get too involved in exams n test ....I know these r trivial issues and he wl b able to manage them well.... I dnt really get involved in his homework , but during exam I tend to get more serious than him...

• United States

20 Feb 07

I don't see anything wrong with spanking a kid. But not while you are mad. That leads to harder spankings than you probably intend. Go calm down, then bust their butt when they need it done.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Thanks Randy ,for the advice......I will surely cool myself down before reacting....

@XxAngelxX (2830)

• Canada

19 Feb 07

I think you definitely over reacted and it should serve as a warning for next time. Clearly you are upset by your behaviour so you recognize that it was wrong to spank your child for something like this. I would suggest next time, you either walk away until you can bring yourself under control or consult with your doctor about this. I don't believe it is acceptable to spank a child for two wrong answers. He clearly is quite intelligent and this is not a pattern you want to repeat I'm sure. If you find you are having trouble controlling your anger, then you really need to speak with someone about it. I am not against spankings, I too have spanked my children but it is a very rare occurence here and one I only use in dire circumstances, such as if my child were to go to someone's house without asking me first and I had no idea where they were. Even then, I would talk with them first and try to make them realize the dangers involved in this. If it happened a second time, I probably would give them a smack on the bottom, but it's something you should never do when you're angry. Judging by how bad you feel about your behaviour I would say hopefully you have learned a lesson from all of this.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

YES, I have learnt my lesson ,hope I will never repeat it again....rightly said spanking should b the last resort when everything else fails....thanks for ur reply..

@hora_fugit (5862)

• India

20 Feb 07

I think the best part of it is that he is only 8. Had he been in his teen years, it would not have been easy to forget all this. Kids tend to be more sensitive in that age. I am not a parent but a 'parented' one myself, so it is not advisable for me to comment much on your spanking. Parents do that sometimes(many times too!) and it all depends on the situation. I think your son was 'prepared' if he couldn't answer only two questions, and spanking for that was unjustice.

1 person likes this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Thanks for ur reply Hora.....

@jammyt (2818)

• Philippines

20 Feb 07

In a way, I understand why you did that. But honey, you want your kid to be perfect.. and if he or she is not, you get disappointed. This can develope and manifest to something else in the future. Dont let it get to a point that your kid will resent what you are doing. I suggest you explain to him well why you want him to study. That way, he wont feel so bad if you get disappointed or mad. My parents never pressured me to get high grades in school when I was young. There wer times I failed during elementary. I payed for it, I tok summer classes. But when I got to HS and college, I excelled on my own, even becoming a Dean's lister for some semesters. My parents were so proud of me and I felt really good. I have a cousin and her parents pushed her to study so hard. She did. She was on top of her class from elementary to college. Now that she's working, she turned into such a workaholic. It's already in her system. She feels that if she doesn't do it, she'll think she's a failure.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Thanks for ur sweet reply....I will surely keep ur words in mind.....

@country45_99 (160)

• United States

19 Feb 07

only 2 wrong answers? you where wrong,but as a parnet we all have been wrong.thats how we learn.just check your temper next time.as for spanking if its done right its no problem with it

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

thanks for the comment country , I dnt loose my cool easily , but if I loose , then I am seldom able to control....

1 person likes this

@asish1672 (338)

• United Arab Emirates

19 Feb 07

I think lot of us, parents of this generation, behave in the same way. We have lot of problems in life, and does not want another problem to crop up. Therefore we react rudely. Every time I do this I swear that I will not do it again. I can only say that, we should maintain our cool at least while dealing with kids.

2 people like this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

Rightly said asish, but I try nt to enforce frustation on my child .....which anyway is nt done.....

• United States

19 Feb 07

I have a lot of problems controlling my temper I was abused as a child and so was my husband So we know that we have to becareful but I thinking spanking is sometimes a must just telling my child no doesnt mak him see a consequence. I think it is also important tho to figure out what is important enough to spank over.

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

thank u for ur considerate reply...I will certainly pay heed and will think before doing such act....

@asadahsan (723)

• Pakistan

19 Feb 07

disiplinig a child is very important because every parents wants to see there child as a good human being SOmetimes neglence of the parents results very harmfull to there child

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

thanks asadahsan,

@krislouiebaby (2346)

• Philippines

20 Feb 07

please do not abbreviate words, it makes us hard to understand. in my own opinion, you should practice maximum tolerance to kids, always kkep in mind that they are still young, and they need guidance and understanding. i know you want to discipline your child,but do it in a right way, reward and punishment will do, try it,, whenever he did right, reward him,and if he did wrong,punish him, but try to make him understand why you did that to him.. goodluck

1 person likes this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

First of all I apologise for my abreviation....I will try not to use them.... Yes I will try to handle the situation in a more matured way next time ...with lot more patience and dignity..... thanks!!!

@monkeywriter (2004)

• United States

20 Feb 07

I NEVER saw the point of spanking as a kid. I never learned anything but keep from getting spanked. I never learned a lesson. I DO NOT plan to ever spank kids when I have them. What you did was wrong, but you see it. I often worry how I react to simple things my pets do, my only real kids now, will be seen when I have kids. So I try to learn to control my temper. Two answers? Thats sad. I'm sorry but I'd really upset at my mom for only getting missing two. Its NOT that bad. I thought you were gonna say he only got two right or something else. I'd be more careful next time and learn from your mistakes. I am sure you have but yeah :)) My parents had senstive emotions, still do. Easily upset was my dad. One night we accidentally while supposed to be asleep did something that made a loud noise. I think knocked down something. It was an accident. My dad was SO upset about it he runs in and spanks us both REALLY hard! Me and my sister. I recall it much not that I had done anything wrong, but no explaining. He just ran in there tempers flaring and spanked us. It was horrible! And I still to this day dont see the reasoning behind it but we woke them up.

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Thanks for the response ....I will try to be more patient next time......and I promise I will control my anger....

• Uganda

19 Feb 07

you are the mother do wat you do in your power to build abetter future of your child.

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

20 Feb 07

thanks jk

@sjuliesmom (8)

• United States

19 Feb 07

I don't think any individual can comment to a parent after they have just hit their child. Maybe hit is the wrong word though, I am sure it was just a spanking. We all lose our cool sometime. I tend to curse rather than hit. But I wasn't hit as a child so maybe that is why. I felt like getting very angry with my 3rd grader because she wouldn't let me test her on her upcoming exam. She wound up getting a 100% but I told her if she didn't atleast get a B, she wouldn't haven't any playdates that weekend. Good for her she aced the test. Discipling our children is a learning experience. I am so not good at it.

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@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

I didnt spank him very hard...but even if I scold him I feel guilty...because he is very well behaved child most of the times.....but sometimes he really becomes very restless..

• United States

19 Feb 07

lol that sounds like me when i was little..

1 person likes this

@soumyaraj (401)

• India

4 Mar 07

Was your parents also very strict......hope the equation has changed now.....and hope they are more of a friend now... My parents were also strict when I was small but they are more of a friend now....