Trouble with my daughter's boyfriend (lather, rinse, repeat!)

Sounds like this boyfriend has some anger issues that need to be dealt with and that could be dangerous for your daughter. What you did with the phone was correct but you need to have an open conversation with your daughter about how he treats her and talks to her. She was out so why would he be nasty that she was. That would cause me great concern. Talk to your daughter make sure this boy isn't walking all over her and that you are there for her if he ever gets out of line.

Man oh man. This is a tough situation to be honest. The chances of alienating your daughter are high! If the boyfriend is like this on text, I can't even begin to imagine what he is like to her face to face..... I think that the method you are using so far (holding on to the phone throughout the day) is a good start. As for how to address the respect issue? In my opinion the only option is to subliminally educate and empower your daughter to think and act in her best interests by standing up for being treated well. Any move you make to remove this boyfriend from her daily routine (even slightly) could quickly result in an alienation of your daughter and depending on the control this guy has on her, could create a serious rift. If you are able to empower your daughter to make the decision to move on from this guy herself with limited involvement on your part (at least in her mind!) then I believe you will have a much better chance of remaining on side with her. As a parent with a very young daughter, when she reaches sixteen and if a guy acts like this??? I know what I would like to do; but that would not be effective!!! Good luck.

You did a fine job. If I were in your shoes, I'd also contact the little bugger's parents and let them know how he was treating your daughter. I'd have saved the txt messages on the phone to SHOW THEM and prove that they came from his number. If the parents don't respond productively, then you'll know where the boy's poor behaviour originated.

I know what you are talking about my boyfriend has two girls and the 13 year old we got her a phone for christmas and it is one of those go phones from cingluar because we have cingular also and she can talk to any one on cingular for free she now has a boyfriend that is 16. Myself if she was my daughter she would not be see a 16 yr. old but anyway she gets on the phone with him and its not free tohim so her time gets ate up in no time. I think that we put about 40 dollars on it in 2 weeks. but now that we know what is going on well lets just say that she dont have any time on her phone right now.

oh the stuff I have to look forward to yet. It's so easy for me to say that I'd tell my daughter to dump the jerk but I also know how far that would get me. It wasn't so long ago that I was a teenager myself. I'm not sure how you'd explain it to your daughter but if he has no respect for your rules and regulations concerning your daughter then he probably doesn't have all that much respect for your daughter herself. And how dare he get nasty with her simply because she wasn't home to accept his call. Hopefully someday soon your daughter will meet someone who will treat her with the decentcy and respect that she deserves and then she will be able to compare and see how a girl should be treated in a relationship.

I understand why you have limits on your daughter, but don't forget - the tighter the limits, the more they will rebel. Try to understand that 20 mins on the phone isn't very much time for a teenager. She will find other ways, and she did via text. I think maybe increasing the amount of time would be benificial. You should also charge her for the text messaging that they do. This will teach her to limit the texts, but she won't rebel too much b/c she has more than just 20 mins on the phone with him.

you did a wonderful job. i wish more parents would try more to control situatios like this. you did right and i believe you can handle it without our help or opinions but as my kids get closer to this age i hope that i can pick a little up from you. and know more of how to handle any problems that are bound to arise. I can imagine you will proble have to even get stricker before things get better but i hope for your sake and the sake of you child she soon realizes what he is and gets read of him. i sounds to me he is no good. Good luck.

I think you handled it in a level-headed manner. I can't see anything that I would have done differently that would have been productive. Rock on. Good parenting.

Wow, that is really upsetting. I really applaud your actions, I think what you did was the right thing. Although, she might feel like she shouldn't be punished because of her boyfriend's actions, I think maybe in some way she allows it, and I think that should be the reason she should be punished along with him. I would try to actually get her to distance herself away from him, because he seems like a really bad influence.

I am glad that you have been very good at setting a limit for you daughter, her phone use, and her boyfriend time. She is so young, and when kids are young, they do not realize that, the older they get, they consider themselves to be more mature and more in charge of their lives, but they don't realize that that is not the case. Children, will always be children to their parents. You made the right decision about her phone. However, I would have another discussion with her about her boyfriend. You should talk to her about the type of guy that she really wants in her life, she should think about finding a guy, that not only respects her and her goals in life, but also respects her family. The worst thing to end up with, is a guy that tries to separate you from the people that you love most and who love you most. Throwing away your life, and memories, and relationships for a guy (especially when you are a teen), is not worth it. There are so many guys out there, especially smart educated guys, that are worth her time, when she goes to college, that will make her current boyfriend look like an idiot. There are some guys, that were great in highschool, and grow up to be great men, but that is rare, and her boyfriend does not seem like a great guy. What she needs, is to remember that high school is not her entire life, college is so much fun, and such a good change, she has that to look forward to. Arguing of her "boyfriend" and how often they can talk, is not worth it. Planning her goals, planning to be successful, and to experience an exciting college education, is more important. She needs to realize that her family know what is best for her, and when she is older, she will thank you for it.

You did the right thing. That is a hard age for parents. We raised two daughters and from 16 to 19 is the worst. I dont envy you at all. My advice is to stay strong and do what you know is right no matter what she says. You will never regret it if you do that but if you give into her, you will regret it from now on.

I just turned seventeen, and I have to say that I think you did the right thing. (If a boy ever sent me nasty text messages I'd kick his butt right out the door...) I read your other reply posts and I think that you really need to discuss this with your daughter. In our school newspapers and on library bookmarks and such they always have lists of "danger signs" in dating and from your posts, this kid seems to fit the bill for someone who is emotionally controlling and could potentially be abusive. It's not a sure sign that there's something seriously wrong with him, maybe he's a good kid deep down and just has a few problems. I would definitely keep an eye on them and monitor how often they talk, what they talk about, and where they go together. Maybe you remember this, maybe you don't, but when a teenage girl picks her friends - especially a boyfriend - she sees those people as reflections of herself. They say that affection is, after all, recognizing qualities of yourself in someone else. Young people take pride in who they choose as the people they hang out with, and want to think that they've made the right decision about which crowd they're a part of. They see the people around them as the people who they get along with best and are most like, and want to think that they're good judges of character. I know that when I like people and find out that they have some unsavory habits, such as selling their homework or flirting with other girls when they've been steadily dating someone else, it not only hurts me because I feel bad for the people that they are hurting, but it also makes me feel bad because I realize that I am not a very good judge of character. Admitting that someone I liked turned out to be not quite as upright as I had hoped is very difficult, but I just have to tell myself that I can't control what other people do. The only thing I can do in this situation is to try and avoid these people and find other friends that I DO think are worth my time. I think that if you do talk to your daughter further about this, you should keep this in mind. Even if you're not scolding her directly, she feels very connected to her boyfriend and is probably going to be upset by other people speaking harshly about him. Just be careful with what you say and how you word things, and maybe she'll be more willing to see things from your point of view.

I think you handled it quite well. The only other thing I would have done would be having him come to the house to have a seat at the table while my husband and I have a little discussion about his behavior and what we expect from him in regards to respect toward our daughter and us...just to make sure he got the darned point, lol

You did the right thing! I'm not a parent but I'm a daughter that realizes when I was a teenager I didn't know jack, but I thought I did. Now at 24 I still don't know jack but I realize it now! You didn't over react! Personally I know if it was me and my dad, my dad would have flipped a lid! Called that little bugger right back and told him what he was going to do to him next time he came around. But my family is a little scary like that. Your relationship with your daughter is going to be strained and pushed to the limit. But eventually there will come a time when she realizes that you have the best interest in mind for her. I can't tell you win though. I had that realization when I was married at 23 and it dawned on me one day... Good Luck!!!

Honestly I dont see a reason for your daughter to need her phone at school. There are phones at school that she can use to make phone calls if she needs to. I agree with you that she only needs the phone when she goes out and is not with you. Honestly you need to have a talk with her boyfriend and his parents and let them know what is going on and that his behaviour was not appropriate.

I think your totally handling this problem right. I have basically done the samething with my 16 year old daugther but she just sneaks around behind our backs. I say if it working for you then stick with it because what I think your doing is totally fair.

You should definitely talk to your daughter and make sure his bad attitude doesn't extend beyond angry text messages and into physical or verbal abuse. Make sure she knows nobody has a right to be mean to her or play head games with her. Is there anyway to disable text messages except from you and your husband? Or be able to accept and make calls only to and from 911 and the two of you? My Dad and brother would have kicked some major butt if anyone messed with me like that.

In my opinion, you handled the situation perfectly. I don't think I would have been as level headed as yourself, if it had been one of our daughters. I hope there doesn't come a time when something like this happens with one of our children. The boy sounds like he has serious issues with his self, by the behaviour he has displayed so far towards your daughter. If he grows up with the attitude he has already, his issues will only escalate, I dread to think what other female will get mixed up with him.

I have a 16 yr old daughter and to keep her in focuss with school work and home life she cannot use the phone on school nights. I have tried many things but this one works. As for the boyfriend he needs to be told point blank he does not have the right to disrespect your wishes about the phone. It is either or. Either take the 20 mins a night and no text messages or no calls or texts .He maybe one of those guys who turn into control freaks beware. Hope it works out for you.

Tough situation. I'd say you handled it well. I've read many of the other responses. I agree there is a fine line here. Understandably you need to set boundaries but you risk alienating your daughter. Sixteen is a tough age (for all involved). Perhaps you can work on building trust. How about a family night with your daughter and her boyfriend? Games, pizza, etc? Of course, I don't know the whole situation and how the phone limit became a mere 20 minutes (that would kill me and i'm ... old enough to be her mother!) but I respect your parenting. Better to be involved now than kicking yourself later. Remember, no matter what you do (whether an active or inactive parent), she'll still end up in therapy blaming you for everything. So have at it! ;) Good luck and keep us posted.