Children..... and how far do you go?

He is an adult caramello, he has a mortgage and a partner or at least someone sharing the house with him. They should be contributing to the general household costs plus extra for living there, if this is a "house mate" rather than a partner situation that is. So it is time that he became responsible for his own financial affairs. However having helped him out this time, make sure that he is aware that this was a "once off" situation and you will not help him get out of financial difficulties again. As a parent, we do like to help our children when and where we can but not at the risk to our own financial security. We/you are now "mature" and need to start thinking about your own financial future, so you don't have a mortgage to pay when you retire or to be struggling because of it. Perhaps the best thing is to ask him if he will talk through his budget with you. Then sit down and work out when and where his money is going. To do this, he needs to keep a track of every cent he spends, no matter on what, so he can see where he can make savings. You would have done something similar in those years when you were a struggling single mum. Pass some of that knowledge and experience on to him now caramello. Also make sure that he contributes something every pay period to the debt he has to you. It might only be a small amount, but factor it into his expenses. I would hope that his credit card has now been shredded or if not, then the amount has been reduced to a minimum amount so he has it in case of an emergency. I agree that it is so wrong that the banks keep sending letters offering increases on the credit limit. At least these days they just cannot increase the credit limit without the cardholder agreeing to it. However often when they send out the letters, the person who has a debt already thinks that a little bit extra might come in handy etc. Good luck with sorting this one out caramello, and as a parent it would be very worrying for you, BUT he is an adult now and you have to think of your own future. Also if he ever has a family of his own, he will need to think carefully about what he owes and how he spends his money, so anything he learns now will help him in the future. In my opinion, you have done all that you can caramello and as an adult he either learns his lesson from this or he sinks on his own.

hard time as to how far you go with lowing people to up the amount my biggest "fear" apart from him having to pay us

I think a bit of support is the right thing to do, but they also need to learn to stand on their own two feet. We had no help from either my parents, or my husbands. We have done it all ourselves, and thus are proud of it.

I think that it's OK as long as he pays you back. That is a lot of money to think about when it comes to mortgages. I can also understand your concern. I can personally say that my mother and father help me out when they can. It's not what you have done for your son, but it's little things, such as helping me get food on the table or buying me clothes. Things that are needed. My father helps me pay my rent or my other bills when he has the money. He knows that I am having a hard time right now, and he does what he can. I tell my parents that one day I will pay them back, and they understand that I am not well off at all. In fact, I am dirt poor. I am lucky to have a roof over my head...just put it that way. I have had jobs, but I can't keep them very well, as I have lots of mental health issues, as well as other problems. This is not my fault, and I can't help my problems. However, I do try to make some kind of income to pay my utility bills, buy food, as well as stuff for myself. Now, that I have may baby, I am on WIC and Medicaid, but I'm still waiting for them to give me food stamps. They take forever down here to give you anything at all. Well, anyways, just wanted to let you know that I think that you haven't gone that far. If you feel good about helping your son out, then you must have done something right.

I've really never had to deal with the same concerns you have, but they are definately valid concerns. I do believe from what I've seen that there is such a thing as giving your kids too much and it really dosn't help them in the long run. You can only do so much when you need to live according to your means and when I look back you know the hard times I've seen and yes mortgage too, but when you have to do it you just pull through it. Hopefully you'll get paid back and perhaps it's time to cut off the purse strings hard as I'm sure it will be. You have my blessing caramello. Take Care Blessings...{hugs)

u should not get fed up with ur children u should see them as ur small childs if tey grow also.but u should increse responsibilities to them as tey go on increase their age.

Ijust hope that yu dont baby him alot..or he will never learn from his mistakes and never grow up and become reponsible..My sisiter is 30 yrs old..and she is my younger sister and the favorite of my mom..I never ever received any help of any kind from her financially growing up..I made mistakes and learned from them..and thats what made me the independent and responsible woman i am today..nowww.my sisiter is another story..she has had help her whole life..if she ever needs something my mom is there for her..she has no idea how to live by herself without my mom...when she passes away..I dont knwow what she is gonna do..she will be 40 somthing..and panic because she has no idea how to live,,save money..pay bills.,.and what not..dont let yhour son be turn out like my sister...you need to let him learn from his own mistakes..and pay his own bills..buy there is no reason you cant help him once in awhile..just dont take over his life and make him dependent on you..good luck!

Honey, you are human, and can only do so much. We raise our children the best we can. There isn't a book of yes and no's that work for every family. I commend you on being a single parent, as that is extremely difficult in many ways with a lot of challenges financially, emotionally, and phyisically. If the children are out the door, they must fed for themselves. They will learn much faster that way, then you helping them forever. Just take care of yourself and the ones at home now. Good luck dear. Just except them as they are, and let them make their choices and be responsible themselves for it.

Nobody can know the answer to this as well as you can because you know him and his past. Has he proven to be responsible in the past?? Does he pay loans back??? I would always want to help one of my kids out but at the same time I wouldn't want to put myself in a bad way. Just be careful Mom that you don't give him everything and then he leaves you high and dry.

well I must tell you one thing -- see though I am a kid myself---for my mom ...but then I am a counselor too and I am understanding your position but then I want you to look here for a second.... first decide are you actaully in a position to support those mortgages for a bit of your extent,.-- if you can then read ahead for the major problem that u mentioned0.....remember the day you boy walked for the first time.... din't you used to give him your finger for support... the first time he cycled and you had to run alongwith him holding the cycle for him.... right? but then gradually you would let him go by himself and you would allow him to fall -- why so that he may learn right.... same way let him learn na.... let him fall... whenever he'll fall -- he'll recognise one more obstacle and would be alert for it in his life.;... let him see his life himself and understand what all he has to do and that it is not easy to survive... if he wants to, then you must encourage him.... this is what all I can suggest you

First let me say I think its wonderful that you can help out your son. My mom and dad took on a couple of loans for my brother. Actually they co-signed for him and he didn't end up paying them- Thankfully the Army has since straightened him out : ) My daughter is only 10.. I'm teaching her the value of money. She has to save alot of what she gets for the extra things she wants. She is a HUGE shopper-- She is proud of herself because she saves so well that everytime we go to the Mall she can buy new things with her own money. OK back to you- Is this something that you have done in the past? Helped him out financially? With him being an adult? At some point you have to let him struggle and make it on his own. I mean if you have tons of extra cash laying around it's fine to help him always-- but who has this? Maybe after he struggles and sees that mom isn't going to bail him out each time he will become more responsible. I say good luck to you and your son.

It's so hard. We hate to see our children struggle, but they do have to learn their own lessons. I would perhaps help him by way of a gift-- give him some money towards the credit cards as a birthday gift or something. And then accept the fact that he won't have to pay you back.

It is hard to not help when you know thst yuo can as you are the mother and want to help your children. I think you should now sit down with him and help him work out a budget that he has to stick to. It is hard to know how to manage money. My son has recently bought his first house with his girlfriend, they both work but were finding it hard going. The other day he told me they had st down and spent an evening working out properly were the money is going. He realised that when his wage was going into his bank accoutn for him to pay bills he wasn't managing his money properly. They have now decided that when he gets paid the money is taken and put in jars marked for each bill then it does not get spent mindlessly when he uses his card or the atm machine. I think going through his bills with him and his incomings and outgoings might help as people don't always know where there money is going or how to make savings.

I dont ahve children, but I hope I dont do the same

Yes I know what you mean Caramello, as this has just happened to me today with our youngest daughter she had problems with her partner and had to leave he was dabbling in drubs, and due to their mortgage was in both names now she has to pay this otherwise go bankrupt which will affect her credit rating for 7 years so I shall have to pay this bill for her it is a real headache but ths boys family should of paid his part of the deal, I will go hopefully this week and sort out this whole mess for our daughter.

Wow ... Well i am also a single mother right now and have been pretty much for over 5 years now. I know the struggles of trying to get by as my daughters are only 2 and 5 now. I sure hope that your son can get back on his feet and get all the money back to you and do not let him slack just because he is your son !

I think that you have already gone too far by putting his debts on your mortgage. I hope it works out for you. Many children fail to repay their parents because they feel that you still owe them something... or you cannot do anything about it because you would not sue him... or because he will eventually herit your money anyway. All in all... they don't try as hard to repay their parents as they would try to repay the bank. It is one thing to loan your children the money to buy a house. It is another to help them with their credit card debts. By having the credit card debt... he has already proved that he is not very good at handling money.

It is hard as parents to know how much we should do and when we should say that is enough . We always want the best for our children and hate to see when they are hurting in any way . I don't know what advice I could offer you as this is a decision that will have to made by you , you know your son better then anyone and know what he can handle and what he can't . I wish you all the best of luck

At least you are saving your sons credit. Maybe you should enter into a contract with him 50/50 ownership...??? My sisters husbands parents loaned 15,000.00 for a down and co-signed on her condo and they are on the deed too, that house cannot be sold till parents are paid off. It is all up to the parents, kids and the whole situation. a friend and i were just talking about this. Her parents want her to buy a house "NOW!" before she marries, she is scared she will be stuck with a huge mortgage and have a hard time making payments (she is looking at qualifying for a 300,000 loan.) Her parents want to give her a substantial down payment like 30% to ease the payments. They want to buy her furnishings, they want to pay off all her credit cards and her car. She wants to do things at her own pace and not be pushed. She also doesn't want a man to marry her because she owns a home either. My parents feel paying for my education is enough of a helping boost into adult hood, therefore they NEVER offer money, if I asked I am sure they would loan it hesitantly,expect a contract and regular, set payments with interest of what they are loosing from in the $$ not being in the bank. My parents raised us to be independant as adults.