I think I need help...
By SilPhil
@SilPhil (267)
Australia
February 27, 2007 12:54am CST
I need help. My whole life is falling apart, and I don't know where to turn.
My DD was born in October last year, and everything started out fine. However, at her 6 week check-up, she had only gained 80g and wasn't even back to her birth weight. So the dr put me on medication to increase my milk supply. It worked too well, and I developed mastitis. My mastitis then developed into a breast abscess and I had to have surgery to have the entire breast removed. For about a week I was unable to care for my daughter and I hated every minute of it.
I thought the new year would be the start of something new. In another post, I've mentioned the problems about the 16 year old thats living with us. It has been one disaster after another, as she disrespects our houses, our house.
A few weeks ago, DH told me he wasn't happy and wanted a trial separation, so he left me and our daughter. It only lasted a week before he came back. Things seem better now, better than they were before the baby. The whole thing was such an emotional rollercoaster. We have signed up for marriage counselling and I think we can make it work.
I had hoped to be a SAHM, but now we are struggling financially. I have found a job, and am due to start tomorrow. My mother in law will be looking after my daughter this week, before she starts going to daycare next week.
I don't really like the idea of MIL looking after her, but I have to get over it. I know she won't intentionally hurt her, but I don't agree with some of her theories on child raising. DH simply says it isn't a big deal, but it is to me! She's my child, I want her raised the way we discussed. Day care is happy to do things the way I like, so why isn't she?
For the past few days I have been really struggling. Every time my daughter cries I fall apart. Today has been a really bad day. She woke up at 6am this morning, and would not go down for a nap. She was hysterical, and then I was hysterical. It was just a mess. Hubby got home and took her off me and told me to take a break and have a rest. I picked up the car keys and took off before settling at my parents place. Thats where I am now.
I don't want to go home. I know I should go and talk to him, and sort everything out but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything and would never hurt her. The problem is I hate myself. I hate that I can't breastfeed, I hate that people judge me for that. I hate the scar from the surgery. I hate that hubby isn't/wasn't happy. I hate that I have to go back to work. I hate that MIL puts honey and my daughters dummy despite me asking her not too! I hate that someone other than me will be looking after my baby girl. I hate everything. All I want is to be a good mother and wife, and I can't even manage that. I think DH and DD would be better off without me.
I know I need help. I just don't know what to do.
2 people like this
4 responses
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
3 Mar 07
It sounds like you have had to make a lot of adjustments. You have a low self-esteem of yourself. The first step you need to do is learn how to love yourself. Go to a professional and they can help you map out a plan to increase your self-esteem. This is very important because what I am hearing from your discussion is you think people think you are a bad mother and wife. People are not judging you. You are judging yourself. It is proven if a baby is crying and you start to get upset that they can feel that stress and react to it. By crying. I think you are being to hard on yourself. Have you talked how you feel out with your husband. He can help you with your self-esteem.
1 person likes this
@SilPhil (267)
• Australia
1 Apr 07
Things are going much better, thanks for asking.
We started going to counselling, and the counsellor told us flat out that Brooke has to go! She's almost gone. She is actually living somewhere else, but her furniture is still here. She finally answered my calls and has assured me she will be picking everything else up next weekend, so fingers crossed that'll be the end of it. I can't wait to clean the room and get rid of anything that maybe living in there! I've got a feeling that rather thanputting rubbish or things she doesn't want in the bin, she'll just leave it on the floor. I can deal with that though, with it being the Easter long weekend I'll have time to fix it up.
I love the new job. It's a lot more hours than I want at the moment though. Basically the place I'm working has been short staffed for so long that people weren't able to take holidays. Now they have us for coverage, everyone gets their holidays. So the next few weeks are going to be pretty full on. The problem is the job only pays monthly, so we really need the cash now, but I have to wait another two weeks until I get paid. It'll be fine once we get the hang of things, but until then its a bit of a battle.
I think its good that I'm working and actually getting a break from being with Krystle. I enjoy the time I have with her so much more. We have our cuddles in bed in the morning before we have to head out and do anything. I'm strting to enjoy her again.
So the counselling will continue until we're back on track. I've also been talking a lot to my SIL - I've ony just discovered that she suffered from PND after her two kids. She has been fantastic for me to talk to, and get advice from. She's convinced me to talk to the doctor about anti-depressants, so I think I'm now taking steps in the right direction.
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
5 Mar 07
It makes me sad to think abou what you're going through and my heart goes out to you and your family. Have you still been working on getting the 16 year old to move out? That seems like a huge amount of stress on top of everything else you and your husband have to deal with. I'm also sorry you can't get into a councelor any sooner. Until then if you need to vent we're hear to listen. Good luck to you.
@syndibee (799)
• United States
5 Mar 07
glad things felt better the other day, how was your day alone with dd?
the break may be perfect for you. my sis was always a worker, tho she's a wonderful mother she's the best mother she can be if she works out of the home at least part of the time. she just needs that adult interaction time. then when she is home with the kids she feels refreshed and can devote all her time to her young ones. all of them love it that way. if she's not working she's too stressed and starts yelling at the kids because she just doesn't have the patience to deal with them. but just being out of the house 4 hrs gives her the energy she needs and wants to be a great parent.
have you gotten a chance to talk to the girl yet. i'm guessing she was kicked out of dads house for the same reasons. she is young and inexperienced but really needs to learn respect and common curtesy, tho maybe she's just too much for you to take on at this time, you shouldn't feel responsible for her. if she's getting assistance for rent and such then she won't be on the street if you just can't have her under your roof. bring the situation to the attention of the agency helping her out and they should be able to direct you on what to do if u must make her move.
@SilPhil (267)
• Australia
6 Mar 07
Today was ok. We started out really well, but then around lunch time she started to get cranky and didn't want to go for a nap. Last night we tried her on her first 'food'. So I think she had a belly ache which is why she wouldn't settle. The only way she would sleep is if I was cuddling her. After 2 hours I'd had enough!! Still, if its what she needs then I can manage.
I did get angry and cranky with her, and I feel terrible about it. DH has just gotten home though and he's taken her out to give me a break.
The girl came home yesterday, and went straight to her room. I went to talk to her but she was asleep. I think she may still be asleep, I haven't seen her all day. But then the amount that DD was screaming would've woken anyone up, I'm sure!! DH and I have decided to give her 1 month to improve, if there's no change, she's gone. I figure we have to at least give her a chance to improve.
Well, DD starts daycare tomorrow. I don't know if I'll cry or not. I wonder how she's going to go. I'm nervous, but excited about it at the same time. Fingers crossed I don't start to cry!!
