What I never speak to my boyfriend about...
By Dolcerina
@Dolcerina (3376)
Hungary
February 28, 2007 12:32pm CST
I know that my boyfriend would like me to give birth to a child. Sometimes he mention, but he knows what I think about this matter.
When he mentioned first time, that he would like a child, we still were at the begining of our relationship. So I pretended asif I did not hear him...
I always get astonished when a poor couple has a more children. I have 1 son, as many of you have alredy known. And I want to give "everything" to him. He has a private room, I pay for his swimming, I pay for the summercamps, I pay the life insurance. He has a brother too, because his father has another son, and they meet "often".
We have to live from a little money. In Hungary the average payment is not very high and number of unemployments is too high... So this country is not the best place. If I gave birth to a child again, I/we could not send them to sportcamps, they may not have private room, I could not pay the life insurance for both...and so many little thing, that I could not buy twice.
And by the time they will be 18, I could not start their lifes.... I can afford 1 child.
My payment will not be more if I have 2 children, but I will lose my job. In this country the employers do not like to employ women with a child or children. The father's payment is not enough for 2, 3 , 4 or more people. This flat is not enough for 4 people, but we couldn't move to a bigger one, because our money would be less.
I think about it every day. I would like a child from him, but I know it would be a sin in this situation. I am dreaming about what name I would give a child. But I do not dare to be dreaming about more...
So, my boyfriend does not suppose I also want a child. Sometimes I wanted to speak about my feelings to him, but when I looked at him I could not say a word.
He knows that I am right. Because when we hear or see others with more children, he always asks:how can they afford that? What life do those children live? So I am sure he feels in the same way like me. I am so sad because of it. SOmetimes, when I am thinking about it, he asks me: "what's up?, what are you thinking about?" and I say "nothing".
12 people like this
24 responses
@docsammy (93)
• Nigeria
28 Feb 07
It's sad you two cant get wat you desired most which is kids. Not that you cant produce but becos of ur dumb country and hardship in there. Well if you wanna have his baby, go ahead and have one, you can't really tell what tomorrow with be. Things might change pretty well for good.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
28 Feb 07
Thank for you kind comment. Yesterday I saw a documentary about your country. It showed the poorness,and spoke about the many children without parents. I even thought I should adopt a nigerian child, but if I do not dare to give birth to our baby, how could I dare to adopt a child? I would not give him the best neither.It made me sad too.
1 person likes this
@adidas7878 (1891)
• United States
28 Feb 07
i am sorry that you cant have another kid because you dont have enough money. i grow up half of my life with just myself, it is not fun, does the govement does anything to help people at all? here in the usa govement would pay for the kids health insurance inculding the mother if they cant afford it, they also pay for house rent and food. and the kids can go to school free. maybe you should move here, you can be my neighbor :) beside here in the usa they are in need truck drivers so it would be great job for your boyfriend, and they pay pretty good too.
@adidas7878 (1891)
• United States
28 Feb 07
and you can come work for me and you can have you hot and sour soup everyday lol
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
28 Feb 07
I can not cook, what should I do? Should I protect that door of the bathroom? LOL!
2 people like this
@phon4u (2215)
• Laos
2 Mar 07
I like the idea to have a child, because I have no kid at all since I was married for eight year. My spouse doesn't want to have it, she is afraid to be poor and no food to feed the child, but she feeds three dogs at home which have eaten food much more than human and she likes cooking for my colleague's meal on New year. My government allows staff to have more kids. They pay just a little. I don't work for the government, I can afford enough to have a kid. I am waiting for nothing now. My spouse allows me to have a child with the other and move to live with the girl whom I love. She will marry the girl for me, but I don't think so. One spouse is one problem, the second one is the second problem. I stay alone as much as I can. I don't want to cause the problem. There are many women attracting me, but I am scared to hurt their feeling and break the law, which said a man can have only a wife.
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
2 Mar 07
Your life is not simple neither. Do not you want to divorce? Or isn't it possible in your country?
@Levente (54)
•
28 Feb 07
If he has a half-brother that is better than none,especially if they meet often and has someone to socialize with in his age,though it isn't the same they were lived 2gether with you as a family.On the other hand you got more than someone who can't have a child and just dreams about a son whom she can love and who loves her.And you have this mutual feeling which money can't buy.Does the government not support families with more children?I heard the truck drivers earns good money in UK as well.That might be an option.
Does your son complain about being brotherless?
It could be more helpful if your boyfriend spoke English,at least at basic level.But if you got pregnant now then you could hardly move with your newly born child for a while.Or look for job.But if your boyfriend could get a really good job (really good money)...It is not easy.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
No, it is not easy. The goverment does not support the families. Correctly, the goverment doesn't support the families enough.
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
Thank you Lucy. I am alredy 33 in this year, so I do not have too much time
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
It is not popular, but the goverment doesn't support more children, as I know.
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
28 Feb 07
I just wanted to comment on this to tell you that I really admire you. You have looked at this situation from all angles and made a wise decision based upon the facts. You've put your son and the well-being of your family before your and your husband's desire for a second child. Yes, you may always wonder about the child that was never conceived, but your life will be so much better for thinking things through the way that you have.
I made foolish decisions when I was young. I had two children when I could not support them on my own. My daughter was born into an abusive relationship. I left her father to keep her safe and rushed into marriage with a second man who was also abusive. I left him when I was pregnant with my son.
Our entire family life has been a real struggle, financially. I wouldn't trade my children for the world and I never resent them, but I sometimes wish I had made better choices.
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
It is just because I always like to direct my life. I have never been the type ( I can not be) who does something and after thinks. I always think about something, and after do that. I want to plan evrything in advance, which is impossible, I know.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
Thank you for your kind comment. Anyway the Hungarian goverment pays to the families only a very little support. FOr one child it is only $50/month. The minimum payment is about $300/ month. But the prices are not lower here, than in the western countries.
WHen a child goes to the school the book and the school accesories can be $100 even.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
1 Mar 07
I feel exactly the same way and also made wrong choices. My kids did ok but they thought I deprived them and they rebelled against me and resented me bitterly.
People who go popping babies out and expect the government to pay are generally not the best parents. They have no sense of responsiblity thinking the gov't is paying when in reality it is hard working, responsible, sensible, people like yourself who are supporting these people when you pay taxes.
What sort of life could you give your children if that was your attitude? I applaud you and I know you will pass your strength and good sense on to your child. What an amazing gift.
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
1 Mar 07
It is a sad situation for you but just know that you are being intelligent about it. Having more children than you can afford is not a very responsible thing. You risk losing your job over it as well that means your income would be even less than it is now so you would certainly be in an uncomfortable situation.
You can think happy in the fact that as it is now you are providing your son with the best you can and I am sure he is doing well. Maybe your situation will change and you will be able to afford another child in the future. Just be patient and wait and see. :)
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
Thank you for your kind words. By the time I could afford another child, I will run out of the time.
@celestial_fantasia (620)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I feel so horrible for you, that you are in this type of situation. However, I do feel that you are 100% right. Though you may want more children, you must think of what their future would be and the consequences of having another child. The one you do have now would also suffer. Right now, it seems you guys are doing ok financially and your son is happy. Don't jepordize that right now. Maybe in a few years rethink the situation. However, you need to be honest and talk with your boyfriend. When your in a relationship you should be able to talk about anything and not have to worry. I know it can be hard, but it would be better for the two of you if he knows your feelings.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
2 Mar 07
Thank you for yourkind words, but till I can not see the help to my doubts we'd better no to talk about it. :/
@mamajena (122)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I think you are being a responsible mature adult in the situation, however you need to talk to your man and together maybe you can find a way to create a time line let him know you want the same thing as he does but that you want to do it in a mature and responsible way. Remember too that the things you can give your children that are the most important are free. Love, security, disipline, work ethic, manners, and stability are just of few of the things that make you a great parent. You did not say how old you are so my last word of advice is that older you get the harder it will be to carry and have a healthy child don't wait too long the money will come if you need it trust in yourself and your partner together to provide the important values and needs of any child of your union.
I can tell that you must be an awesome mom to be this concerned over what most women take for granted.
@emilysdabomb (360)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
i can only imagine how difficult this is for you. i know that having a child could bring so much happiness. in your current situation though, as much as you want to have another child with your boyfriend, you are faced with other pressing matters like your financial situation. i admire you for looking at the whole picture realistically. others won't even think about how they would raise another baby. but i admire you for thinking not just about your personal wants and needs, most of all, you are considering the possible future of another child. i know you just want the best for yourself and your loved ones. why not talk about your fears and concerns with your boyfriend? if he really loves you he will understand. and i wish everything turns out for the best for you.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
2 Mar 07
Thank you for your kind words. I can talk about it to him only if I see the way of solution.
@victory2003 (2)
• Kenya
1 Mar 07
hello sulikha, It is good to have a child but it is more better to plan for their coming so as to avoid a frustrated life.
@rohany1982 (22)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
I completely understand your situation. I am a single mother myself, but the good thing about living in ths country here in Philippines is that the parents help you. Its not that I'm dependent to my parents, and other good thing is that even if my country is a thrid world country but I have manage to get a good paying job. On the middle class paying job so its better for me plus the fact that I have my parents helping me.
Going back to your issue, I would recommend that you and your boyfriend should consider on moving to a different place and work and your child with you. That way you can extend your opportunities to wrok and enjoy different culture.
1 person likes this
@ruzzen77 (57)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
I really feel by your words that you're a responsible parent. You don't want to have a child that you think you can not support or you won't be able to give him/her the needs and luxuries of life. Not every woman thinks of the responsibilities they're about to face when having a child and I am so glad you're not one of them. Maybe you should explain further to your boyfriend that raising a child is not that easy and it takes a lot of savings to have one. :)
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
28 Feb 07
...personally, I never thought about insurance.. or camps (most other folks I know can't afford camps either, so it was no big deal) - All I ever considered was making the food stretch a little further.. and bought clothes at lawn sales.. and resale shops.. and now I know how very rich I am, and our two grown children and now one grandchild is such a big part of that wealth. My kids say when we are old we can come live with them. Of course, they'll have to move out first..
:))
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
28 Feb 07
Yes, and it is not easy if the parents can not help them
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
1 Mar 07
I am sorry that u are in this situation and I admire you for thinking about it in all aspects. But let me tell you something. LOVE is more important than sportcamps and stuff like that =) I am sure you have love enough for 2 children.
You have to follow your instincts and your heart - only you know what u can handle. i wixh u all the best!
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
To give birth to a baby is wonderful thing. The most wonderful in the world, but to see our child's fight against moneyless is not so nice.
@western_valleygirl (1363)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Before I respond, I just wanted to say, that I wish you would wait a bit longer, before you choose a best response, so that the discussion is not closed before we all get a chance to respond...Especially, since the discussion is so new.
But, anyways, I believe that you are right. You are in such a difficult situation, and it would be wonderful if you did have another child with him in the future, especially if you are both committed to each other, and wanted to continue building your family together. However, it is just too difficult right now, to support another family member. I believe that you should suggest to him that you both should do some financial planning and see if there were a way for one or both of you to make more moeny, before you have another child. Perhaps, one of you will get a better job, or a raise, then, you will be able to give both the kids the same good life. Talk to a financial planner, and see what you can both do. Good luck.
@zhisheng2005 (301)
• China
1 Mar 07
The child is a very big burden as soon being born oh,had better to earn money more than normal first the life
@qouniq (1966)
• Malaysia
1 Mar 07
how could you say that?! Our children is a gift from God!..I am sure that things will automatically be fine when you get used to have more than 1 kid. I just don't understand why some peoples said that kid is only a burden....I wonder what your parent say when they decided to keep you until you were born...are they said the same like what you said here today?...then if they are the same,..they should hold your nose when you were still a baby,..so you can die before you said this burden words today!
@Yestheypayme2dothis (7874)
• United States
1 Mar 07
You are a very intelligent woman. Open up to him. Tell him what you have told us. Maybe he could go to school to get better job. I am not sure what life is like in Hungary or how people make exta money there.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
In Hungary we can be happy if we may work. The most employers does not care with the rights, and the people. Maybe if we had an own business...
@twr2004 (18)
• Malaysia
1 Mar 07
i'm sorry to hear that. The problem that you faced, it is the same what i having just now. For me i love child so much. I had 2 child.So far i grow my childs in good condition. Sometimes i feel i can't afford them, like taking them to the school, their tutions, everyday meal and so on related to my childs. When i think about money less, it's seems i can't have a new child. it's because a burden fo me to afford a new child. But...i had to work hards for my family and i always remember when i was kid. I had 7 siblings. My parents take care of us very well. Even though on that time my father and mother was a poor family. It's a hard time for my parents to growth us. When i think ..why not me? My parents can do ...Of coz on your problem that you had, it's not about the money but it's also come to the country problem too. What i can advise you..go see your boyfriend and discuss with him nicely. Talk to him from heart to heart.
@Dolcerina (3376)
• Hungary
1 Mar 07
WHen the children still are in young ages, it is not a problem. But later....
