suggestions on mothers...
By itsjustmeb
@itsjustmeb (1212)
Canada
March 1, 2007 9:48pm CST
Okay.
This is going to be a tough discussion to write, but I would love some outside help on this one.
Growing up, basically you could say I came from a broken home. My parents officially divorced when I was five. Ok. My mother is the one who was the main caregiver, my father came around every other weekend and holidays.
My mother also did the punishments as well. And they were not nice. She would use a belt, her hand, a paddle, or her words. And to think looking back on it, I don't think the spankings bothered me as much as her wicked toungue.
"Your worthless"
" You will never amount to anything"
" You will never meet anyone"
" you are weak and pathetic"
" I hate you"
"I wish you were never born"
" you are ugly"
" you are s#$%"
"i wish you would have died when you were born"
and it goes on and on. I mean wounds heal, but the words do not.
So today , I am in this parenting group, and I bring up how much it felt growing up, that my mother truly hated me. I know without her and my father, I would not be here. But what type of a person does this to a child? And now, in my life she still says she screwed up raising me, but would never screw up raising my sisters and brother. She's more closer to them, she judges them sure but she's never truly been happy with me.
Now that I have kids of my own, I find myself doubting a lot of things that I do. I could NEVER bring myself to say to my kids that I hated them, or I wish they were never born, because to be honest I don't hate my kids, and I love them more than life itself. How my mother could stoop that low and say such mean things is beyond me. And to top it off, she thinks she did no wrong and that she doesn't believe she abused me. But she did. She may not have left physical bruises, but the words still are etched in my mind to this day.
So anyways, someone in the group im in suggested I send her a letter. Via email or snail mail, telling her how I feel. Not like it will do anything, but it will take the hurt away from me.
What do you think I should do?
8 people like this
27 responses
@silvermoonmyst (943)
• United States
2 Mar 07
At least she can admit she made mistakes with you, thats something!
It would probably do you a world of good to write out your feelings twords her. She may or may not respond, i cant see it not effecting her though. But its amazing how much bettr you feel just writing some of those emotions down.
Dont doubt yourself as a parent. You learned from her mistakes, Your doing better then that. So dont doubt yourself. Look ahead and find ways to combat the emotions. And sending them to her is a start. I would suggest that hand writing it, i find it makes me feel a whole lot better to hand write out things then write them out in a processer.
3 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
2 Mar 07
I have learned from her mistakes. I have learned that I do not EVER want to be like her.
2 people like this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
2 Mar 07
Being a positive person myself and liking to think that things are always done for a reason I'd say that your mother has (inadvertantly) turned you into the kind, loving and giving mother that you so obviously are now. Through her bad example you've learned how not to be and perhaps you could turn this whole situation around to become a positive in your life. Well done on coming through this bad experience such a rounded person.
1 person likes this
@j12345 (163)
• New Zealand
2 Mar 07
After reading your decussion topic I feel very angry.... I feel your mother is an extremely selfish person... it is clear she blames you for all the bad in her life and punishes you for it all .... the words she called you are probably words she should be telling herself.
3 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
2 Mar 07
She should be yes, because she's not amounted to anything in her life, she still works a hard job, etc..
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
2 Mar 07
yup thats the thing she still works hard at her job she may have thought you were holding her back of doing better but dont ever think that ! She could have made better for herself if she pushed herself to get a better job or thought she could do better for herself . she didnt need to stay ina job she didnt like she could have moved around looking for what she wanted and what she would be happy about
3 people like this
@patgalca (18390)
• Orangeville, Ontario
2 Mar 07
Thought I couldn't begin to know what you went through, I know that I do have a few issues with my mother. But I would never bring them up to her... ever. Writing a letter is a good idea but it might be better to write it, get it all out, then burn it. Then you can put the past behind you. If you send the letter to your mother, prepare yourself for a confrontation and the possible consequences. First and foremost write it down, in a letter, in a journal. Maybe go and see a counsellor.
What your mother did was wrong, and she has admitted that she screwed up. If she was in denial and you were ready for a drag 'em out war, then you can confront her. You have not passed on this kind of parenting to your own children, which is most important here. You know what's right and that's really what matters.
Ultimately, it's your decision.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18390)
• Orangeville, Ontario
2 Mar 07
On more thing.... What do you hope to accomplish? What if it backfires? What is the worst that could happen? Could you lose your mother forever (and maybe even your siblings)? Are you prepared for that? I don't know any of their personalities; you do. These are just some questions you should ask yourself before you take that step.
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
2 Mar 07
I know my brother would stick up for her through thick and thin, and yeah I don't know what it would accomplish because she thinks she did no wrong.
1 person likes this
@crimsonblues (1191)
• United States
2 Mar 07
Sending her a letter will only make her mad and your relationship with her worse.. Write a letter, put it in an envelope and rip it up or burn it. You'll get your feelings out and you will not have that weighing on your shoulders anymore. If you want to confront her about this..do it verbally.
3 people like this
@princeworthy (1909)
• United States
2 Mar 07
I am sorry that you were treated so badly by your mother. It would probably help you to write this letter. If you don't want to send it you don't have to, just writing your feelings down on paper will help.
@nusrath (65)
• India
2 Mar 07
i felt so sad and sorry to on ur childhood and present situation.i can just say that they are few people who are like that who are different and we cant change them in many ways and ur mom is one among them.i feel sorry that u dint deserve for luv and care in ur life.now its gud thing that u had a bad experinces with ur mon but u will be gud mother to ur children with all these mistakes.now only thing which u can do is its sure taht she is not gud mother but i suggest u u can stay as gud daughter for her.forgive her and try to accompany her in this stage may be she will realize ur preferences.
nusrath
2 people like this
@Babudom (47)
• India
2 Mar 07
As a mother, I would not reccomen that you write to her. You will achieve nothing. She is a not likely to change - if she has been like that for so many years how is your letter going to help in any way.
You have to make peace with your own self. realise that she cannot harm you in any way now, and that she has taught you how to be a good mother.She has shown you what not to be - and she has shown you a good alternative.
If she has never believed that she has done anything wrong - well then stop trying to tell her.
1 person likes this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
2 Mar 07
I am so sorry for you, I can't imagine how much that hurt and still hurts. No child should ever be spoken to that way. I would do what someone suggested you do, write that letter. it might not do any good as far as your mom is concerned. But it will help you to get it off your chest and let go. It won't take the hurt away, maybe it will help you to start to heal. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
2 Mar 07
sure write it all down let her read it maybe just maybe it will hit home of what she said and did t o you. just to night I was accused of not loving my grand daughter by my duaghter said I looked at her like I didnt want her around now I have no reconition of this but she is wrong but it hurt deeply for her to tell me this so parents arent the only one to hurt a kid a kid can hurt a parent with words too
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
2 Mar 07
I know how this feels because as a child I was abused, criticised and neglected. Out of the 4 of us kids (I'm the 3rd) I seemed to be the one that copped it the most. I was the dreamer, the comedian, the black sheep, the one that didn't fit in. I wasn't smart, or clever or studious like my siblings. I got pregnant, dropped out of school and was made to marry. My first husband was brutal and despised and hated me for the predicament he found himself in. He gave me no help with the children and I had to keep them away from him. My family had abandoned me and his family cared nothing for me or the children. I didn't know how to be a mum, let alone a good and loving one. But I knew that my own mother didn't know how either. Once when I was struggling to better myself I was doing a course and I had to write down all the things I was good at. I couldn't think of a single thing and I became so upset and miserable. I went to see my Mum to ask her and I'll never forget her answer, She just said "I don't know Rosalie". I just said OK Thanks and walked away, totally crushed. She didn't even try.
Your mother is human. And frail. Years later I asked Mum why she beat me when I was such a little kid...she said I deserved it. Even though she was a good christian (???...her idea)) she still could not find any love in her heart for me. She went to her grave with me still pining for her love and wishing I had a Mum who I could be friends with.
And now, when my girls are approaching their 40's they don't want anything to do with me.
At least you know you are a wonderful person and a fantastic Mum who loves her little ones. Tell your Mum you forgive her and name the ways she hurt you. Forgive your Mum truly from your heart and be kind to yourself.
@marymarj2002 (1769)
• Philippines
3 Mar 07
You are not the only one who experienced such kind of treatment. I myself when I was litle was also talked harshed by my mother, that I am lazy,etc. But later when she gets old she came to realize her faults and ask apologies on us. I know I also understand her why she did those things to me, maybe because of too much problem that she had experienced that time. I know that our mothers are not perfect. Sometimes they commit mistakes. But your mom should also realized those things. I hope both of you can talk about it and make apologies for each others mistake. Good luck.
@irenejoyce (17)
• Philippines
3 Mar 07
I feel so bad after I read your entry. I also came from a broken family, my mom being the sole provider and disciplinarian in the family. She had her bad times once in awhile but never did my mom throw harsh wors like that to me. She gets mad at me for some stupid mistakes I did before but she talks to me and explains everything so I would understand that she does not approve of what I did.
Your mom (even if she's your mom) doesn't have the right to insult you in a manner that would greatly affect your wellbeing or your personality. She should respect you being her child if she is expecting you to respect her as well.
Yes, I guess writing her a letter is good. Praying to God for forgiveness on both your parts is I guess the best advice I can give you. I know it is not easy to forgive somebody who has hurt you so deep but by the grace of God, everything will be absolutely ok! God bless you and hope everything works for you and your mom soon! :)
@essilem (286)
• Philippines
2 Mar 07
What a sad feeling it was for you when you were growing up. But i know things always hapen for a reason. The good part is it has made you to become a more sensitive and loving to your own kids. I suggest you write down your feelings in a journal if you feel uneasy to send her the letter after all these years. But the important part of the healing process is that you put your sentiments on paper. Goodluck and do take care.
@nascar_girl_4jr (315)
• United States
2 Mar 07
Sorry to hear about your childhood to begin w/, it lets me know everytime I hear these storties exactly how lucky I was that my parents were so caring and loving. With that said, You say that it will probably not effect your mother at all but it would help to ease your pain. I say ABSOLUTELY do it. If it makes you feel better to let this out then by all means you deserve the peace in your life after all you have been through. And it NOT effecting your mother may be a blessing in disguise, you get to vent but yet she is unphased. Its really sad on the other hand that she doesnt "see" what she has done. I would write EVERY thing you have EVER thought to get it out. It will make you feel better. I hope this all works out for you, at least you will have the peace knowing that you finally got the chance to do something you were always unable to do....stand up for yourself. It will be refreshing. I have faith that you will be a much better momma than the one that you had. Remember...the only person you have to sleep with EVERY nite.......is YOU.
2 people like this
@rusty2rusty (6763)
• Defiance, Ohio
2 Mar 07
I have come from a broken home as well. My stepmopther did far worse than just use words. I mean she used words to. But did even worse stuff than that. Does it bother to this day? Yes, it sure does. I also have nothing to do with her or my father. As my father did nothing to prevent any of it from happening on a daily bases.
My advice to you is this : If you still have contact with your mother and still want things to do with her. I would not sent the letter. Or you risk never having anything to do with her again. Are you willing to take that risk ? Cause there will be no turning back. I do however agree with writing the letter. But not sending it. Espically after she still think she did nothing wrong. I would write the letter. Than throw it away or burn it. It will help you feel better getting it all out.
@Trace86 (5030)
• United States
2 Mar 07
I think writing her a letter and letting her know how she made you feel with her verbal abuse. What she did is verbal and mental abuse.
From all your posts, I can see that you are nothing like her. You truly love your children and may go to far in second-guessing everything you do and say to your kids and that is ok. I am proud of you for not becoming your mother. I frequently find myself saying things that came out of my mother's mouth. I don't have any children of my own, 19 year old stepson only. My sister has two girls and I have to laugh at her when she sounds just like Mom. I will look at her and ask if she really just said what I think she said.
With your kids, you need to dislike the behavior and let them know that. But also make sure they know you love them no matter what.
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
2 Mar 07
Write the letter and go into extreme detail, bring out all the memories, the pain, the hurt. Put it in an envelope with her name on front and DONT SEND IT. Tear it up in little pieces or with scissors, set it on fire, shred it, just destroy it completely. Guess what? You'll feel a hell of a lot better and can face your family and maybe your mother in a new light. This is what my group therapy leader told me what to do years ago and it really worked. I wrote that letter to my parents, ranting anf raving at them. crying so hard I had to stop many times, but I finished and destroyed it and until their deaths, I could tell the pain in my heart was gone and could forgive them. Once that was done, there was nothing they could say or do nasty to me that would harm me.
If you send a letter it would only cause more hard feelings between your parents and inside your soul so I disagree with your group person upon sending it. Angry letters always lead to anger forever.
Trust me - what you wrote here is exactly how I was treated that I left home at 15 on my own. My daugther was never treated like the way I was, I was firm, but never abusive. And in turn she's raising my grandchildren the same way. You ended that vicious cycle, now end your internal agony. I do pray for you.
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
2 Mar 07
I emphatize with you, itsjustmeb. There are no better words that I can give you for what you went through. Being a mother myself, I can't for the life of me remember being this mean and nasty to my girls. I know that your painful journey cannot be easily forgotten. You will only have to ask yourself whether you're emotionally prepared to send your mother a letter. But don't you think that with your unplesant experiences, that you have somehow become stronger and wiser. I wish you all the happiness.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
2 Mar 07
First up, let me say how sorry I am that you had to suffer such a terrible childhood.
I think a letter this is actually a good idea. A close friend of mine has been through the exact same thing, and she says no matter how old she grows, she will never forget those words or the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother as a child.
Writing a letter may not do much good as far as your relationship with your mother goes, but it may bring you some of the closure that you need in order to start moving on with your life.
@mummymo (23706)
•
2 Mar 07
Hi I am so sorry for the way you're mother did and still does treat you, It is probably all her feelings about herself and her inadequacies being transferred on to you. Easy to say but PLEASE do not let her ruin the rest of your life, the best way to fight back at the abuse is to go on with your life, be a great parent and show her how it CAN be done. I would say that it would help you a lot to write down all your feelings and whether or not you send this to her is up to you - just remember you are special and loved!
