Stepchildren and their Impact on Relationships
By bigfelah
@bigfelah (73)
New Zealand
March 3, 2007 3:38am CST
I am in a relationship with a man who I have loved for 3 years. We use to have an unshakeable love for one another but for the last few months our relationship has been on the rocks. And I can't fully comprehend the dramatic change? He blames my children saying that they are spoilt brats who do nothing but wreck everything. We are at the point where it does'nt matter what they do he only sees wrong in their actions. On the other side, he has 2 children of his own who live with their mom. He use to pick them up for the weekend every fortnight. For the past 6 months they don't come at all claiming they don't like my kids. So they spend those weekends with him elsewhere. This has compounded the problem if not started it. My kids are not angels but they're not devils either by any stretch. In fact, they are simply outgoing and exuberant. In contrast his kids are quiet and had refused to interact with mine on their visits. I told my partner I can ask the lads to tone it down when his kids are around but believe his kids are selfish and purposedly making things uncomfortable. What should I do to try and get back my once kind, generous, and fun loving man? Or are we at the point of no return? We only have one child that we share together.
2 people like this
2 responses
@copswife62 (156)
• United States
17 Jun 07
"Experts" say that it can take a blended family anywhere from 3 to 5 years to "settle in" to each other, if it happens at all. However, I don't believe there are such things as "experts." An "expert" is one person who knows absolutely everything about one particular subject. Since life is a constant learning experience, I don't believe in "experts," preferring to refer to those people as very knowledgeable about something.
Having said that, and I'm not trying to burst your bubble or hopes, but if the relationship between you and your man is strong, this wouldn't be happening. For him to call your children "spoiled brats" is a huge show of immaturity on his part. You and he are the adults in this situation, and it's up to both of you to lay it on the line for the kids. Make sure they know what is acceptable and what isn't. Your man is also not doing the right thing by permitting his children/his ex to not come to see him during visits. This is his right, and children should never ever have a say in visitation (if they are young ones). If they are older, it's up to your man and their mother to make sure the kids know that yes, you do have time with you dad and yes, you will have that time. If there's something teen kids need to participate in, either they come see dad and you and dad take them, or perhaps trade weekends.
In conclusion, I'm sorry to say I don't see this working for you two unless family therapy is involved. I have experience with that, having worked for DCFS - I taught parenting skills/relationship skills, etc. to families in crises. I'm happy to help in any way I can, but you and your man have to WANT the help, and be willing and open to suggestions and ideas. Nothing happens over night, but anything worthy is worth the work. Best of luck to you.
@mystic_0318 (937)
• United States
7 Mar 07
This is very hard to decide what to do.. I know that you love him..but, if he doesn't respect your children cause they are different from him own...it's not worth fighting for..Kids always come first and they are just kids...and this can be hard on your kids and could have an affect on them...I would try to talk to him about all this and how you are feeling and if that don't work you might have to end what you do have with him and just keep your relationship for the child you do have. Good luck and be strong....
@district4 (1)
• United States
31 Oct 08
I have help raise two step children they were 5 boy and 7 girl when we married. I have been with them for 15 years now. I can only say what a wonderful experience it has been for the most part. I have two grown adult children they are 40 and 34 and have a great realtionship with them and all four get along as brothers and sisters. I tried to be a father but most of all a friend which started by having respect for thier real father. I welcomed him into my house and started by telling him I would never try and take his children away from him. He was thier father and will be. My wife hates him and he feels the same way about her which is sad. I have never had such true love given to me as the love and respect as given by them. I have always gone to all the teachers meetings, plays, band, and sporting events to give them support. Just remember how you would want someone to treat your children or how you wanted to be treated. I came from a divorce family being the youngest but my mother never remarried or dated until I was out of the house.
