Illegitimate Children....
By jlm1779
@jlm1779 (11)
Canada
March 3, 2007 9:16pm CST
The term is thrown around like it actually means something and for the most part it doesn't usually mean a damned thing... until it does. The term 'b@stard' is something else that can be a real crappy thing to say to the wrong person. Like the term 'illegitimate', it doesn't mean a damned thing until it does.
My mother was a teenager when she got pregnant with me. She had some feelings for my 'father', but didn't love him enough to marry him, which he would force her into because of his Catholic background and family. She ended up not telling him and never seeing him again after that. His brother's girlfriend/spouse saw her while she was pregnant and has suspicions, but nothing was said.
Apparently I had always been told that the man I know as my father, wasn't my father. Nothing stuck with me about that until I was in the double digits in age. Not sure the exact age, but things started coming together. I have only ever seen one picture and that was of him in high school, but nothing else. I have briefly said hi to his only brother and his siblings all know about me. Although they wanted to know more about me... he didn't. He didn't want his parents to know about me at all. He (at the time) was married with three girls, one possibly named Jennifer. They have pictures of me and know about me, but treat me like a dirty secret.
I'm almost 28 years old and I know that I have someone that loves me and never looks at me like I'm not his daughter, no matter the hardships our relationship has been through. I've been the apple of his eye since before I was born and he was overjoyed to take me on as his own. No matter what he's done (and he's done a lot that I have moved past) that is what gets me through and know that he loves me. He doesn't see anyone else as my father, but him. I love him for that. Makes me cry to write it because it's a really emotional statement and feeling, but it's the truth.
So what makes me feel equally emotional over someone who will never want me or want to know me? Maybe it's the wanting what we cannot have or wondering what could have been. Maybe it's because there's an entire half of my biological make up that I'll never know. Maybe it's the thought that these people are ashamed to know me because of something that happened almost 30 years ago now. The thought that these people are so self centered and self righteous that they can't accept a child/person that did nothing to deserve the treatment that has been received.
I don't understand it because I've never backed down from my responsibility and I've always owned up for things that I've done. I don't consider myself a coward and face the consequences of my actions because that's just who I am. Maybe that's a part of my mother because it's not a part of that man. I'm angry about it. I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm hurt and I don't want to be. I want to move on, but it hurts so damned much to know that I'm someone's dirty secret. That because of their religion, I'm not acceptable to them. I don't think that's right and I don't buy the logic behind it... regardless of the religion. Typically in religion the higher power loves everyone and it's all about learning from mistakes. So why am I such an abomination? Why does having a child out of wedlock mean that the mother is a wh*re or worthless or irresponsible or anything like that? Being married doesn't make you smarter when it comes to children. Doesn't make you better than anyone else. Doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. So why do children get treated like this? Why do we let that get in the way for the love of God?This could raise a stink with anyone that has similar religious views as that family. I'm not here to question anyone's 'religious' beliefs.... maybe morals or just plain human compassion. I happened to be thinking about it today and wanted to put that out there. Why do I care? What will help me get passed this? Why do I let this get to me when I should just try and forget him? Why does this hurt me so much? It's unfortunate that people don't think about these things when faced with something of this nature. It's not something that you should be strung up for. It was something that was a mistake a long time ago that I'm still paying for all these years later. I just don't think it's right that I have to go through this alone. Anyone out there?
3 people like this
8 responses
@arnboy (357)
• India
4 Mar 07
Stop worrying about what people say, people do not mind throwing mud at saints. So, why bother about what people say. Also, since you are an adult its time you forget
about your childhood phase of life, its of no use now its a thing of past and now a closed chapter. The reason why people get stressed out, is they keep thinking off the past or the future, instead of living in the present.
With regard to the biological composition issue, giving birth is extremely easy, the tough part is taking care of the child so that it grows up to be a responsible citizen.
You are not unique in any manner, its quite common to have such thoughts especially in case of children who are born out of wedlock, or children who have single parents, children who have divorced parents, children who have been
adopted and children who have been abused at home. All these children have similar questions.
In your case there has been a person who has accepted you as you are and given you a lot of affection, this person is your true parent, not your biological father who just forgot about his responsibilities.
The only thing you can learn from this incident is that you never end up doing the same mistake.
Best of luck!
2 people like this
@ceciliamilgate (157)
• Australia
4 Mar 07
I'm a grandmother I'm so touch with your comment about illegitimate children.My son had an illegitimate child,what happened he had pregnant his sweetheart and because he was afraid to tell us. He went to his girlfriend to Isabela and there friendship develope and He had this Boy. He went back to us after a year to be with his girlfriend the firstone and they have family. The other Boy with her mother just stay behind without nothing to do with my son because they don't want any scandal.That's really hurtingthe Boy now is 18 yrs. old and lives with his mother in law.His mom also have another family and she's happily married. my son With his family have 3 grown up kids.well, it's hurting for the kid's ....
2 people like this
@avonrep1 (1862)
• United States
4 Mar 07
What a butthole! Apparently he don't know what he is missing and in time that will sink in. If not in this life in the next. I am sorry for your emptiness that you feel. I understand that because I see my daughter going through that because he is an evil SOB but she still feels bad because she don't understand its not her fault like it is not yours he is the one missing out and it sounds like the only thing you are missing out on is being hurt over and over again by him. I am hoping on day my daughter understands this like I hope you can. You did nothing wrong neither did your mother. Try to let it go, knowing you have tried and now its up to him.
@Kowgirl (3490)
• United States
4 Mar 07
This discussion brought tears to my eyes...
and I hope with the help of family, friends and God you will overcome
the pain this creature(I can not call him a man, as I can not recognize him as one)has caused you.
Believe me when I say you are NOT alone. If truth be known there is more than 40%
of the worlds population that have been born out of wedlock and even more that were conceived before their parents got married.
I feel pity for him... for he will suffer every day of his life.
His decision will rest heavy on his heart.
And I don't think God would want him to be as he is.
I have never heard of any religion that would ask you to forsake or not to acknowledge your own child to save yourself from shame. This, to me, would be a bigger sin. Seems to me that he is using religion as an excuse so as not to face up to his responsibility. Be thankful you have a strong Mother; after all she could have chosen to abort you but she gave you life. So make her proud.
Hold your head up high and be the person God wants you to be, You have nothing to be ashamed of. Seek help from others who have overcame this terrible feeling
of abandonment.
1 person likes this
@catcai (1056)
• Philippines
5 Mar 07
Hi there, i know how hard it is for you- i was not a child out of wedlock but i am expecting a child- which is out ofwedlock- a daughter as well, and this is my greatest fear... for her to arrive at a time where she would feel exactly as what you feel now for your biological father- in my case- the father was the one who didnt love me enough to marry me.. but i do love him i guess i still do- and im just so afraid that someday my daughter will feel that much hate and anger and sadness because her dad- didnt love me enough to build our family...im afraid that someday, my daughter will get mad at me too because i am the reason that she has this hole in her heart that even i could not fill. You are lucky that you still have someone that you can call your dad, i dont even know if ever i will still have that chance, i know how hard it is to feel that your an outsider, a reject because i am too was rejected by the father of my child. I dont know what to really do in times like these- but i think we need to forgive in your case- you need to forgive your biological dad for doing what he did.. and in mine- i need to forgive the father of my child. I know its just so unperceivable but we do have to try- if we want to be free from all this pain...
@white4burgundy (45)
• Philippines
5 Mar 07
i too, may be considered illegitimate child. but that doesnt make me feel different. i fact i've grown away from my biological parents. ive grown with my granny who has molded me very well and put me where i am in today. and i am so thankful having this life..i couldnt imagine what would have been had i grown with my parents (who are living separately now). So, it's just fine..let it not affect you..have a life..after all our parents had their lives separate from us.coz, had they had their lives with us, we couldnt have been illigitimates. so, smile.
1 person likes this
@payingforschool (678)
• Canada
4 Mar 07
Please ignore the posterds who say 'stop worrying' or 'stop thinking about your past'. That is just cruel. You can't just stop thinking about it - that is exactly what yoru post said!
I think the real tough thing here is you can't get any closure, because your biological father will not acknowledge that you exist. It is really hard to move on when you have no closure.
Your bilogical father and his family rejected you before they even got to know you. That is painful stuff. You need to acknoweledge that it hurts and let yourself hurt, and over time, it will fade. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't be hurt by it - don't deny or devalue the pain - because it makes it even harder to move on. It's real pain, it has a real cause, and it is healthy to feel it. Over time, it will fade.
It is also prefectly normal to wonder if there are bilogical things you don't know abotu yourself. Unfortunately, you may never get the answers, and again, that is really hard.
What you are feeling is really normal hon. Just allow it to be, respect the feelings, and over time they will pass. Anyone who recomends ignoring them or 'stop feeling them' isn't really helping you.
@kimmy716 (24)
• United States
4 Mar 07
I have a friend who got pregnant two years ago, and when she decided to have the baby her boyfriend just bolted. They couldn't find him anywhere. I feel sorry for my friend's daughter because I don't want her to go through life feeling unwanted. The thing that we all worry about more, though, is that she will never have someone who will accept her and love her as his own child. Though it may seem small compared to the hurt that you feel, I am glad for you that you have a father in your life who loves you so unconditionally.
But you are absolutely right that having a child out of wedlock does not make you worse than anyone else. In fact, a lot of times it could just as easily happen to most everyone else you know as it could to you. Please don't ever feel like you are wrong or you are an abomination. That is certainly not true. I hope that one day you will be able to make peace with this horrible person who doesn't see you and respect you for the wonderful, unique gift that you are. He doesn't deserve the power to make you feel so terribly about yourself, and he certainly doesn't deserve to have you as his daughter. Good luck sorting this all out! I may not have the best advice, but I am thinking about you and hoping that you find the closure and peace that you are seeking!
