Double standards for men and women with kids, WHY?

Hello Everyone, As you can see by my name, I'm actually the subject of this particular discussion. My sister mentioned it to me yesterday and sent me the link in case I was curious about the responses. First I'd like to say, Thanks Sis! I appreciate what you were trying to do here. Secondly, I'd like to add a bit more info. Because while I understand my Sisters desire to protect my privacy and thank her for it. I think the lack of certain details based on a lot of the responses so far have given people the wrong impression. So, to start I am 37. I am retired and stay at home full time with my 3 year old. When she starts school I will return to work at least part time. I feel that it is very important for children to have a parent at home when they are younger and I am thankful that I was fortunate enough to be able to do that for my children. I also would like to state that I am not simply looking for a Mother for my children. I am looking for a partner, someone that is willing and capable of not only accepting my children but one that can provide a positive influence to their lives as well. I won't mention the name of the dating site that I am using. But I will say it is unique in its process. First you must answer a lot of very specific questions, about your personality, likes, dislikes, what you are willing and not willing to accept in a match etc. There is ample opportunity for anyone to opt out of matches that have children. The age range I have selected is 30-42 so I am not matched with anyone under 30 regardless of how compatible we may be otherwise. Additionally you do not flip through photos etc like say match.com this site matches people soley based on the answers to your questions and how compatible it feels you are. Generally if it progresses to the point of open communication, If I started the process I mention in my initial message that my children live with me. When the women iniate contact, invariably one of the first questions they always ask is, "How often do you see your children?". Regardless of who starts the process the outcome is almost always the same. Either no further responses, they close the match immediatly with no stated reason, or on very rare occasions I will actually get a response back that has to do with my children. Those usually leave me feeling like there is clearly a double standard at best or that a lot of single mothers are in fact hypocrits. The question I kept asking myself, and my Sister (I'll stop asking now Sis, I promise!) is: Why is it ok for a woman to expect a man to accept her children as his own and at the same time feel it is perfectly ok to not be willing to do the same? Some additional info to address some of the other responses. I do not talk badly about my Ex or at all for that matter unless it is in response to a direct question. My Ex is not involved in any decisions regarding our children, she does not support them or provide for them really in any way. She has a visitation schedule of every other weekend but it usually work out to something closer to part of every other weekend. When given the opportunity I try to make it clear that my Ex has very minimal involvment with my children and myself. Thanks for the responses so far, and Thanks again Sis for trying to help me figure this whole thing out.

I really haven't heard of men with kids having problems dating. My friends who are divorced and have kids find it is just the opposite. As soon as a guy finds out they have kids, the guy is long gone. He could try PTA meetings and "Parents Without Partners" to find women who like kids.

Who knows why this happens. I assume there are many reasons. Some women are selfish and want to have the man's undivided attention. When the man has children, obviously he will have to focus on the children first. Any woman he dates will have to take the backseat. He needs to broaden his search a bit. There are women out there who don't mind dating a man with children. He just has to remember that he should be happy that the women ended it before it went any further. Good luck to your brother. I am sure that he will meet the right one.

Here is a totally off the wire thought and it comes from nothing except my little brain. LOL. Women generally get custody of the kids. If I were a woman seeking a relationship with a man who had custody of his kids, I would wonder what kind of psycho ex I would be having to face. Possible???

I really don't know why that is. I'm a woman, who is divorced, and had children before I met my current husband. However, I have dated men who have children, both living with them and only for visitations. It would seem to me that a man having his children full time would show a maturity that a lot of women claim that they want. I have noticed a lot of women say they want sensitive understanding men as well and only continue to be with the typical "cave man" persona. So I'm not sure what it is about, and I wish your brother luck in finding a mate that really appreciates him and the time and effort he gives to his girls.

I am a young divorced women in my 30's and I have not had any dates or offers since (about 2 yrs.) I have custody of my kids as well and believe a lot men are afraisd a ready made family. I have not joined any dating services of course either. I have a male friend who has custody of his two girls after his divorce and has had several serious relationships with women- One with children of her own and one without- He was not matched up with them through online dating though... So maybe he will want to explore other meeting venues. I really don't think women fear a man with kids--at least not any that I know. I also have two sisters who do not have kids of their own but one is married to a man who had custody of his daughter adn another sister who is engaged to a man with 2 kids. Maybe its the type of women he's attracting as well.

I'm going to be brutally honest here......... The reason, as far as I'm concerned is two fold. First, most women already have kids of their own full time and adding more kids onto what they are already handling alone as a single mom isn't something they really relish. A man who "shares" custody instead will only have "his kids" part time and could be a little less stressful. Most women who are divorced simply don't want to start again with another person's kids. Second, I think a red flag goes up for many women because they think the guy is probably actually looking for an instant nanny/cook/maid/lover/replacement mom. Most men will go into a relationship with the thoughts that he brings himself and if the woman has kids they sort of come along with the deal. Women play an entirely different role in a family and generally will be taking on a ton more work and effort when he brings kids with him, as opposed to her already playing the role of mom to her own plus everything else (fill in dad, etc.) The man will generally step in and assume possibly fill in dad but for the most part won't be pushed into a full time one. A mother's position is very different. If she's cooking and cleaning and running for her own kids,she will obviously be expected to run for his now and full time. I'm not saying ALL women feel this way by any means. AND I'm not saying it's correct to assume that is how life will be if she takes on the extra roll but I will admit I am one who steers away from guys with kids that they have full time alone. There are a lot of stresses involved and at this point in my life, when I'm on my own already with 3 kids, the last thing I want to add on is the magnification of problems of someone else's kids trying to blend in as one happy family. But in the same respect I also understand when a guy doesn't want to get involved with women for the same reason.

I dont know why but men might want ready made families and women dont thats the only thing I can come up with

It's hard to expain why ,but in my opinion ,maybe every woman have a will to have her own children.If the divorced man already had custody of his 2 kids ,there is less chance to have their own kids once again. What's more,economical factors should be of reasons.

Being a stepmother is a responsibility that can become a huge burden. I don't know if I would be upset with any of the women that have run away simply because it's such a HUGE responsibility to take on someone else's children. You would have to love that man A LOT, and through him, love his children [until you could love them on their own as the special little people that they are]. Plus, I am not so sure about men not minding about a woman's children. Men seem to mind the fact that my daughter has three small boys. She doesn't get to date much. Would your brother want to be with a woman that had children of her own or would he prefer that she not have any children? Because if they got together, that would be his kids and her kids [I guess like that old TV show, The Brady Bunch?] And then, sometimes it's really hard to be a stepmother. My experience with it is that it is horrible. My stepchildren didn't like much of anything that I did and they went to their family who interferred every day. The two kids went to school and said that I wouldn't feed them so they called CPS to come and pick them up from school without telling me and then they nearly got my own baby taken away from me. They were rarely truthful about anything it seemed. They twisted everything until it made me sound like I was a demon or something. It was bad, really bad. It was nearly 30 years ago and it still gives me the shudders thinking about how awful it was. Plus my husband did not stand behind me on anything. I am very glad not to be married to him anymore. But I have a beautiful daughter out of the marriage so that makes me super happy.

I'm not sure why but it seems that a lot of times, knowing that a man has custody of his kids scares a woman off. I know there are a lot that feel they want to date the man and not be bothered about the kids, whereas some probably just feel that they don't want kids. Some of these women too are only looking for online correspondence. I'm sorry your brother is having a hard time, but I would honestly have chosen not to join an online dating agency because they're really not that reputable. It's a sad fact that people take advantage of the whole online thing these days. I would suggest that he join a dating agency in the area he lives in. That way he has more of a chance of getting matches and women are more likely to not actually be bothered that he has kids. I wish him luck.

Hi, my name is Daniel, I`m from Romania and please, excuse my english. I`m also not so young, and maybe this is the motive for what I can explain you what is happening with the mans with chidren. Isn`t my situation, but I have a brother with same problems. Anyway, what I`ll say you isn`t related with my brother experience. He now find a women with a child and they will marry soon. Maybe is a good advice to your brother to ask for a women with 1 -3 childrens. Their chances will increase. But about why the women run away from mans with kids is because the women have a high maternal instinct, but they preffere to look after their children. So, they preffere to have their children not other. Plus, the women have a very powerfull materialistic instinct . They want to be sure that their future is safe for her and their childrens. Is a conservative instinct and is natural. This why they appreciate that other women childrens could be a potential danger for her safety. You must know that many of them don`t think this things, they feel them, all the procees develop in their subconscious. But if they already have childrens they could accept and other childrens, and is very good if they are small children. The maternal instinct (paradoxical)help in this case. About your brother hope he will find his destiny and to be one good. I hope don`t offense you with my oppinions, so I must specify that they are and exceptions, women who can take care about their husband childrens and sometime they can be a very good mother. Nothing is 100% in this world, so what I said before is from my personal observation; The women feel more than the mans, but many time this process is in their subconcious. Is a gift in fact, almost every time they take the right decision for their future just feeling the direction. The mans they are more rational and that could be a handicap. Daniel

I think there's quite a few reasons for this. Firstly, girls seem to be more controlling that guys. What I mean by this is they want the guy and the guy only. They don't want to have to deal with an ex-wife in the picture that will pick up kids. It seems that guys are a little more allowing to ex-partners than girls are. At least it has been that way from what I see. The other thing I think is guys are more willing to accept woman and their extra baggage. They will talk to a woman many times even if they have the kids. Remember, women are more nurturing but also more nurturing to their own only. That's just the way we are created. THey don't want to nurture someone else's kids. Guys however, we can take anything, lol.

Well, in the first place, I don't think that all that many men are thrilled when it comes to dating a woman with kids, either. Part of the problem is that when someone is looking for a mate online, they want to be the only one that the other person has children with. The second reason may be that they simply don't want children. I would recommend that your brother put his children in his dating profile so that women know that upfront and those who aren't interested in being with a man with children won't respond. If your brother wants a woman who will accept his children, he needs to be up front about it. I think that a lot of women would be interested in a man who has taken on the responsibility of raising his daughters because it's a hard thing to do. It's just that if they don't know about it initially, it can be perceived as him trying to hide the kids and manipulate them. If he simply lets women know up front that he has two children he is raising, then he can avoid the women who aren't interested in a family man. It will save him and the woman time and hurt feelings. I hope that helps.

I'm not sure about this but I would suggest that perhaps the women looking for a match possibly feel that with children aged only 3 and 6 years, that your brother will be tied to the house most evenings, when they would like to be dating and going out somewhere, having a fun time. Perhaps they find the idea of a couple of kids pretty daunting, and also, the girls' ages might make them thing firstly that your brother hasn't been alone too long and secondly, that it might be pretty difficult for them to build a relationship with the kids. If I were your brother, I wouldn't give up home, because these women are not right for him. The right woman will come along some day and he'll be glad he had to wait for her. Brightest Blessings.

I have never been in that position but I honestly think that it would would be much more difficult to be a a step mom than a step-dad. The step-mom has to supply all the TLC that their birth moms did and a lot of kids dont believe that anyone else can supply that. Step-dads just have to be fun (as most moms will not let step-dads discipline the kids)

I'm not really sure, but I THINK it's because women are expected to care for and nurture the children. So it's kinda scary for a woman to be instant "mothers" with children to take care of. Men, on the other hand, don't have to, in most instances. At least that's what my observation in my country (Philippines). I don't know if it's different in other countries.

i really dont know why this happens. maybe they are scared or they want their own kids. did you brother try to participate in one-parent groups? i know there are more women than men and maybe there he finds more satisfaction than dating agencies. i wish him luck and a good woman

I think any type of sexism is discusting and i really don't think it is fair that your brother has to have such a hard time of it. That is grossly unfair.Maybe there are dating sites especially for single parents and maybe there he can find an appropriate match..just a suggestion though.

I just read the ladyluna comments. She ( he) has right, looking for infertile women is the best option for your brother, but I think that also is a good step for him and his daughters to find in the possible short time a mother for the childrens. I know how hard is to take care for the childrens lonely . I`m married and we don`t have enough time for them ( I have two boys). I wish your brother succes and I have a good appreciation for your care. I think you help your brother with his daughters. Isn`t ? Daniel