Who will you choose...your parents or your spouse?

A difficult situation indeed. There seems to be right and wrong on both sides. Personally, although I think really her marriage comes first (as long as she is happy with it), I also think her husband is wrong in expecting her to break completely with her family. This "me or them" attitude is wrong, and could cause your sister to be resentful of him for the rest of her life. Surely there must be a compromise here - a meeting to sort out some solution in a mature and commonsense manner. Otherwise your sister will be miserable whichever way it goes, and everybody should consider this.

I'm sorry your sister is having this problem. It probably would have been better if she had waited until the problem was solved before she married a man her parents did not apporve of. However, the man sounds very controlling so I think your sister should insist that they have some kind of marriage counselling. If he continues to control everything she does, she is not going to have a very happy life. Perhaps they could work out a compromise together where her parents only call when your sister's husband is not at home and he should allow her to have her own relationship with them when he is not around. It shows that he has a cruel streak in him if he continues to insist that she choose between them. Many happy marriages exist even though the parents of one or the other never, ever accept the choice their son or daughter has made. Your parents should not have to accept your sister's choice. That doesn't mean that they should talk against him or be abusive toward him; just that they limit their contact with him.

well her husband is not quite wrong, you know! she is a consenting adult and should behave like one. i know first hand coz i married much against my parents wishes, and i am an only child! my marriage party wasn't pending and such, but the initial few times my husband went with me to visit my parents, they always gave him the cold shoulder. after sometime he stopped going altogether and belive me, after nearly 10yrs of marriage there has never been a day when i spent the night with my parents leaving my husband behind.i have chosen him as my LIFE PARTNER and he is more precious to me than anybody else. OK my parents brought me up and without them i would have had no standing in the world, but being an adult now, i have my own life to lead and my greatest priority now is my own family and i do nothing which could destroy the balance of it. your sister could of course keep a link with your parents and visit them sometimes, but she should not overdo it. there's no point in running to her husband everytime her parents call up and then telling him that they did not enquire after him. she should not react to everything her parents say about her husband and SHOULD NOT REPEAT THE SAME TO HIM. tell her to tolerate, be discreet and over time, she would be able to balance both her parents and her husband. but her husband should always get the priority!

I assume that she has fewer choices than I would have in a similar situation. It looks like she may need to let go of her husband. I say this because I think that his loving her would prevent him from making such a terrible demand on her heart and soul. He seems to want her to destroy a part of herself in favor of him, and that just isn't right. I think I might choose NEITHER parents of husband and leave them all to deal with themselves. But since she cannot, she should choose her parents.

Your sisters Husband is a fool... why he has been waiting for 3-4 years!!! how long does he think its take people to take disition, to trust and accept as a family? if they are not doing for 3-4 years as you said.. they will never do it ever!!!he has been waiting like fool... seems like he does not have any self respect!!!!!

To me, I dont thing she should choose. If the man loves your sister, he should not make her choose. Her family is a part of her. I am going through about the same thing. My oldest son is engaged to a girl that has bipolor. She will forget to take her meds. When she dont take her meds, she is al really mean person. She will come in my home and disrespect anyone here. She was cutting my son down really bad and my other son stood up to her and told her to stop treating his brother like that. I was work and did not even know what was going on. Well about 1:00 in the morning she called my oldest son and told him that I called her and told her that she was not even welcome back at my home. She said I called her a b***. My son come in my room and woke me up and asked me if I called her. I told him no. He said he did not think I did because he figured she was lieing when she said I called her a b*** . He knows I dont cuss and he has never heard me cuss. Well she got upset because he did not believe her and she wants him to choose between her and his family. I ask him why he puts up with all her lies and he will say he loves her and she cant help how she is. I tell him that if she loved him he should not have to choose. His nerves are always shot and he tries to make everyone happy. I try to tell him to just be hisself and he needs to put his foot down and make her grow up.

all in all although i would choose spouse over my parents, i think that her husband acts kinda sepfish. if she is in deep connection with her parents he cant take it away from her. oh so suddently he is offended that her parents have no care for him, he knew all about it before marriage, he knew they didnt apporve the masrriage. why didnt he think about it before? let him be with her nad make her happy giving her chance to contact family. im in similar situation, like my boyfriend cant tell his family about me becoz they would expell him from their family, and yet i dont ask him to choose me or them, i know he should have family if he have deep bound with them.

Your sister married him against your parents wishes, she did choose him. You are not suppose to cleave to your parents as an adult. I don't think she should jeopardize her marriage. She needs to tell her parents that they should treat her husband with some civility and respect and keep their feelings to herself. If they don't, she will have to take a step back from them. As for her husband, he should realize that they don't like him and never will, if they can be civil to him and vice versa, he should accept that. But it sounds more like an issue between him and his wife. She wants it both ways to be her parents "little girl" and a wife to her husband. He is asking her to live up to her commitment to him and I think he has every right.

Talk to her hubby and let her hubby realize how important having a parents, soon they will be parents too. It is important that her hubby realize that it is because your parents didn't easily accept that your sister get married and that it is hard for them to accept the husband of your sister. If the husband of your sister really love your sister then he will not let your sister decide who will going to chose. What they need is be humble and ask for forgiveness of your parents. Remember, you cannot deny the fact that it is your parents who give you birth. You can find another man but you cannot find another parents.

This is a difficult situation, as someone previously posted, and I think that as I've grown older, I've more or less mellowed with age. As we grow older we learn to see in shades of gray instead of clearly in black and white. Forcing someone you love to choose between a marriage or family is pushing someone into a corner. Why should she have to choose? If your parents cannot accept her husband, then I would think your sister would put the pressure on them instead of your brother-in-law putting the pressure on your sister. I don't deny that your sister's husband is feeling left out and hurt by the snub, but what has he done to make the way with them? Has he tried to talk them? Has he tried to show them how much he loves your sister? Has your sister tried to show them how much her husband loves her? I don't know that it should come down to choosing one or the other, but try to get all parties involved to make a compromise.

As her love for her husband is so deep and strong that she cannot leave him and as her parents are too unadjustable to their marriage, she should cling to her husband alone and shed all her family ties and affections.

I'm sorry that you're having such a complex problem. so many responses are here and all of them tried their best of course . I feel sorry for your husband and yours parents as well. But I think the ball is in your Parents' court. They can make your sister's life a Hell or a Heaven otherwise. Your sister's husband too has big role to play. But, surely, it's your parents who can for sure make a meaningful decision. Past is past, we should think of our present which will pave the way to all the consequences we will have to enjoy (otherwise suffer) in future. I strongly believe, both your sister's Husband and Your parents should consult some sorts of Family Counselor. I don't want your sister to choose either her Husband or Parents. I want you all live together and have a peaceful and pleasant life. All the best.

Fly the coup... In nature, when a bird reaches adulthood, it has to fly away from the nest it was born and raised in. Find a new partner and make a new nest. I am in a similar situation, I am non-existant to my in-laws simply because I am not what they expected (they want a university graduate, and I am not). We do talk occasionally when we meet, but never mentioned on the phone. I did make the exact same request to my wife. I told her it's either me or the family. There was a lot of misunderstanding at first. She thought I want her to cut off all relations with her parents, which is not the case. I just want her to make me the priority of her life, I am the man whom she is going to spend the rest of her life with. I am her other half, not her parents. She can visit her parents, and call them, she is still their daughter. We have come to the conclusion that we will not compromise our love for anyone or anything. It's our lives, our love and our future. We're going to have a marriage party in Australia, and no where else. They can either choose to come or not, either way, the invitation is open. And to answer your question, maybe she didn't understand what her husband mean. A man lives for one thing, to make sure the love of his life happy. He wouldn't ask her to cut off relationship with parents and let her live in misery. (If thats really what he wants, DUMP the guy quick!) She should choose, but she should not leave forever. I think your sister must sit down with your parents and assure them that she is leaving, but she is still and always will be their daughter.

wellfrst of feel very much tht your sister is passing thru tufest phase of her life according to me cos parents are those who gave her birth and at same now she is marid and has some responsibility towards her husband also. see gurvashi what ever you wrote it is obivious that her husband is excepting her whole family but its your parents who are still after so many years arent excepting her. although its tuf to leave any one but if given the situation she is and given our indian culture also if your parents dont except her husband then she would have to go by what her husband is wanting

first of all i think that it is highly unfair for anyone to be put in that kind of a situation.that said i think that all three of them should sit down and have a talk and resolve their differences.this is all because of miscommunication.just get them together amd make them talk out their problems and i also think that the parents should realise that their daughter is married and they should wake up and realise that they have a son in law!

If your sisters hubby loves her,he would not have perhaps insisted on such choice.but now as he has given a choice, your sister has to tell him clearly that she loves her parents and complete cutting of relations is outof question.however, she can convienence her parents to keep relations with her hubby.I hope parents will understand as they are older and have seen enough world.

Well situations like this are hard ones. The only thing I can say is if that she knew her parents didn't approve of their marriage in the first place, she cannot expect to force the parents to compromise. If it were me I would tell my husband, we knew that this was going to be a hard thing to deal with, but it is very important to me to keep communication lines open with my family. I'm sorry that they have hurt you so much. I am hoping they will realize that we are married now and learned to deal with this over time. I love you very much and I will do my best to make this marriage work. Then I would tell my parents, I know that I went against your wishes, but I am married now and I have a resposibility to be with my husband and try to make this marriage work. I'm sorry that I hurt you and hope someday you will forgive me. I want to stay in touch and be family, but its up to you to work with me on this. I love you very much and always will. I don't know if that helps or not, but if I were in that situation, I would try this first. She probably won't get a real good response, but lots of feelings are hurt right now and it will take time. If the guy is a real looser (in trouble with the law or something really bad) and it is a bad marriage or she is not safe with him, then she should get out of the marriage and listen to her parents.

i would never be able to choose between my family and my husband, but lucky for me...neither would ever ask me to. your sister should think about that. however, her husband could suck in his pride a bit and go to your parents and talk to them. ask for them to accept him into the family. your parents also need to accept that he's part of the family and treat him as such. basically...both your brother in law and your parents need to grow up a bit and swallow their pride b/c they are just hurting your sister, whom they all love. there's no sense in that.

I don't know how to choose.But I wish with passion every lover in the world have a good result. I also come from young age and know love is very improtant to young people, nothing else could replace it. But living is also very important. I wish every couple would live happily.

Since she got married against the wishes of her parents so it is imperative for her parents to be angry with her.they brought her up till she became able to take her decision on her own.there are some commitments which she has towards her parents.she should have taken them in confidence.but since she has already married to her lover, she has to be loyal to him also.now the things have gone out of control,its her who have to make the things right.parents have always soft corner towards their children.once you confess your mistake they forget your illbehave and forgive you.now she has to pursuade both of the parties.Your sister can make the things right.You talk to her once and tell her the situation.