Starting over in midlife

United States
March 6, 2007 3:14pm CST
Two years ago, I got out of an abusive, emotionally draining marriage of 25 years. I had basically no job skills, was so terrified of men and of life in general that I required therapy for more than a year just to enable me to work and function - I had panic attacks constantly. Oh, and I weighed 346 pounds. I gritted my teeth and forced myself to make a life. I entered college. I fell in love. I lost a lot of the weight. Now I weigh 225 pounds - still pretty hefty, but I've come a long way. I learned to speak Spanish so I could communicate well with the man I fell in love with. I am due to graduate from college in 2 months. AND I AM TERRIFIED! After all of this work, I am so afraid that I can't cut it. I feel deep down that I am still a failure. I spent most of my life being the reject kid. Now what do I do? Things are better, and they are worse. I recently lost my job. (It wasn't that great, but it was a job.) I realized the man I loved didn't really love me and was only using me to get ahead, so I got out of that relationship. So here I am again, starting over. I don't know what my identity is. I don't know what I am supposed to do now. And why am I so afraid??????
1 person likes this
2 responses
beaniegdi
@beaniegdi (1964)
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6 Mar 07
It is natural to be afraid of change and the unexpected. but you are so obviously a strong woman but it will be sad to finish college as that is what you have become used to and you have ended your relationship. You don't need a man to make you complete so try to look after yourself for a while, don't be thinking you need some guy to make you happy. You have to learn to love yourself first. You can always find a new job so don't let that faze you, as you said the job you had was not that great, sometimes we need a push to make changes. Wouldn't it be worse to be stuck in a job that did not inspire you, with a man who is not the one for you?? Be kind to yourself and try to see leaving college as a new start. If you think you might need some therapy again then go for it. It is not that long since your marriage ended and you have gone through many changes in a short space of time. Don't rush into a new relationship, make a decision not to date for maybe a year while you find yourself, go for counselling if you think that could help, maybe you could talk to someone at college about how you feel. It sounds like you still have issues from your childhood to deal with, it is this lack of self esteem that you have to deal with and if it takes more professional help then take it.
yanjiaren
@yanjiaren (9031)
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6 Mar 07
Don't worry you are not alone..I was 11 years in a similar situation and only now am i getting my self confidence back Don't be afraid anymore and believe in yourself and that you are capable of making your dreams come true. We don't have tolive a life of suffering and abuse . Now you are an adult YOU have the choice to be happy. So go out there girl and be happy. IT'S YOUR RIGHT!! Have also ag reat time here on Mylot. I have only been here around a month and i am loving it.You will make lots of friends and get a lot of support..If you need anything please just ask..