When do you stop?
By moonmagick
@moonmagick (1458)
United States
March 7, 2007 1:06am CST
When do you stop giving the same advice to a friend over and over when they never take it? I have a friend who has been dating the same guy on and off for over 3 years now. They date for a while, he says something mean, dumps her, breaks her heart, waits a couple months, tells her he is sorry and just panicked, she forgives him and the whole process starts all over again. Really I am kind of tired of hearing about it. Every time I say "Do you honestly think you can trust him this time?" "I dont think I would waste anymore time with his games" and the like. This time was a little different because he convinced her he wanted to have a baby and get married. So, she went ahead and got the loan on the house and was due to close next week. And big shocker, he dumped her again, via text message this time. It looks like she may be able to get out of the house deal, thank goodness, but I am wondering if she will ever learn. Already she made the comment that if she cant get out of the house deal she will just rent it to him. I know there is nothing I can do to make her realize he is just going to keep using her. And when she is mad, she says she knows he is using her. I am just wondering when enough is enough and I should just wash my hands of the situation and tell her I dont want to hear about it anymore. I care about her and hate to see her hurt, but this is just getting ridiculous.
8 people like this
32 responses
@NarutoMon714 (27)
• United States
7 Mar 07
Usually I stop giving advice to my friends when over couple of times. I think you should give them advice until they listing,but somtime if you think you giving them advice and they aint listing stop. Enough is Enough because you just going to waste your own breath. So try giving advice for like 5 or 6 times and after that they still like that say sorry and like leave and with talking about that subject again.
2 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
7 Mar 07
She definately isnt listening. Thank you for your input.
1 person likes this
@shelbi (3)
• United States
7 Mar 07
Ok, so here is all you have to do. Be how I am. This is kinda like my friend Savanna, only kinda not, she decides she doesn't actually want to be with her boyfriend but she can't really not be with him for fianancial reasons. I just be straight up with her. I don't beat around the bush. I don't ask her if she can trust him, nothing like that at all. All I say to her is.... "Forget him!" She doen't HAVE to put up with his crap! But, for some strange reason she still does! So if you want her to stop bothering you with her lame, overheard problems, just tell her I don't want to hear it anymore. I've told you before what I think. And, well what I think now is the same so take my same advice loose the creep. Or whatever your advice is. If she doesn't take your advice, then she obviously just wants someone to feel sorry for her, and all you have to do is not let her have that from you.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you for your suggestion. I think you may be right.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
7 Mar 07
I have just recently been through this almost exact same problem with a younger friend of mine.
She kept asking me for advice and I always said I can't offer you advice but I can give you my opinion. She always listened and said she agreed - but never actually did anything about it.
Then we fell out. I found out she lied to me and she got snarky with me because I was upset about it. She sent me an email calling me every name under the sun and that I always thought I was better than her and so on.
I replied and said well hon, the truth hurts doesn't it. You asked for my advice, I told you I could only give my opinion and you were fine with that. So don't come all high and mighty with me just because you were disrespectful enough to lie to me.
I told her that I could no longer continue the friendship knowing she had no intention of changing her ways. She just wanted the attention. As much as I care about this girl, I haven't spoken to her in 2 months and I feel so much better for it. I'm not coming online each day worrying about whats happened while I've been asleep or doing chores. I feel free.
My advice would be to let this girl make her own mistakes. if she's not taking your advice then she doesn't really want it, she just wants the attention.
Let her fall. It's the only way she'll learn.
2 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
This friend is actually older than me. By almost ten years. But it does sound like something you would expect from a younger person doesnt it? I am sorry things turned out badly with your friend. But I am thinking you are right. She is dragging me down with all of this.
@neilf49 (809)
•
7 Mar 07
I have 2 experiences of this, one is my best friend who keeps giving up his job to go driving trucks around Europe, but each time the work dries up very quickly then he is struggling to find work again. Last time that happened he ended up selling his home because he couldn't afford the bills any more. He's back in a regular job now and seems settled ..... but a couple of weeks ago, guess what - he's doing it all again. I just shrugged my shoulders.
The other is the aunt of my wife, she left her husband last year, we offered to help her during this time but she wouldn't listen to anything that we said, or any of her friends and just did what she wanted. The next thing we knew she was living with someone else local to us who she only knew for a couple of weeks, again we offered to help her but she again wouldn't listen. Now, in my opinion, she's in another relationship where she isn't happy. I've given up!!!
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
7 Mar 07
I think you are right. Some people just arent going to listen. No matter how much sense you make. I guess I just know that I will be a shoulder to cry on next time around. Because I am sure it will happen again.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
7 Mar 07
It is very difficult-- if not impossible-- to help someone who's not ready to hear what you have to say. And sometimes people seem to need our friendship not for the advice we may offer, but simply to "validate" or "enable" their particular patterns... some dysfunctional, some not.
Your friend really sounds like she's caught in a destructive cycle... and whereas friendship is important, you are clearly not "getting through." So it may be that YOU can see the pattern, but she'd not ready to deal with it, yet. As for when "enough is enough," if I were in your shoes I'd be past the point of wanting to have the same conversation again. I'd be more at the "I'll be glad to have lunch with you, but you already know how I feel about _____, and I'd rather not talk about it anymore" stage.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
7 Mar 07
That is a great way to put it. I think I may steal that. We are due to get together one day next week. I am certain that this is all she will want to talk about. I know its all I have heard about this week. For crying out loud she text messaged me at 3 am to let me know she had gotten her menstrual cycle, because she had convinced herself that she was pregnant. I am honestly done listening to the droning about how he is such a nice person when he isnt around other people. I have never liked the guy, we just butt heads, badly. I figure if you have to work that hard to get people convinced the person you are with is great, chances are they arent. :)
1 person likes this
@bakumatsu151 (88)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
I can very well relate to the given situation. I had a similar experience with my best friend. She had a boyfriend who just took advantage of her and used her. I gave her lots of advices but then she did not listen nor follow my advice. One day she realized how stupid she was and how he was fooled. She went out of the relationship and now she is happily married to the right guy. So my advice is , stop advicing.
2 people like this
@domesticengineer (576)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
Time will help your friend realize that you are right. Just give her space now and I'm telling you she will soon go back to you and say... I should have listened to you. Friends will stay friends forever no matter what.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. I hope she does see the light so to speak soon.
@pookie92 (1714)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I know someone just like that. She is married to an illegal mexican who works for cash then goes to the casino and gambles the money away. She had to take the bank card from him because they have no groceries. They have three kids, and he doesn't give a rip. I used to help her out and buy groceries so the kids would have something to eat, but I don't anymore. I told her that if she doesn't change something in her life, it will always be this way. He knows I don't like him and won't come in his own house if I am there. What a piece of crap. She stays with him, so we aren't friends anymore. I can't invest any more into the relationship with her, she chooses to be where she is.
1 person likes this
@sassyces (1602)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
Yes it can really get tiring giving advice to people who seem to be in need of such yet ironically, doesn't listen to such. There's a saying that goes like, you can lead the cow to a river b\ut you cannot force it to drink from it. The same thing applies to friends who dosnt listen to advice. With this I thin that even of we get tired and all that but the main fact that we are their friend means that we should never stop to give them advice coz maybe, just maybe there will come a time when they will have to put it into action without us telling them to do so. =)
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Maybe you are right. I hope she does eventually see that he is never going to be the man she wishes he was
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
8 Mar 07
I think you should tell her what you just wrote. It's not healthy for you, either, to be around this negativity and this unstable relationship.
She needs to go to counselling, to talk to an unbiased person.
If she rents the house to him, she is stuck - he is going to keep doing this to her, and she will never be free to actually have a beneficial, supportive relationship, a baby, or whatever it is she wants out of having a boyfriend.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. I think she has finally decided not to buy the house or rent it to him. Thank goodness. The last time I heard from her, she said she was going to cut all ties this time. I hope she does it.
@shooie (4984)
• United States
8 Mar 07
You've told her repeatedly already. She knows that he is using her. It is time to get off her back about it. You could tell her one more time how you feel about it and tell her that you aren't going to say another word about it. Just be a good friend when she needs a shoulder. She knows it and still goes back to him sooo nothing you can do so is time to let it drop. She will need to want out of the cycle. When she herself gets tired of it she will get out.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I hope you are right, that she will eventually want out of the cycle and get out of it.
@clod0327 (817)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
You did you part, you already warned her and reminded her over and over again but she still keeps her mind shut and be blinded by her love for this guy. I think you’re friend is old enough to handle herself, so just let go and like what you said just stay out of the situation and don’t be involve anymore. If you’re friend won’t learn her lesson, then it’s up to her. It’s her life she’s wasting.
I know you care for her because she is your friend but stay out of the situation so she can learn her lesson by herself.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you for the suggestion. I think she is going to have to learn this lesson herself.
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
8 Mar 07
3 times. I stop giving advice on the same matter before it becomes a nag. She has choosen her own life and is responsible for her own life. However, I will not just wash my hands and leave him/her to fend for himself/herself. I will just be a listener and give the necessary support if he/she needs it. If he/she is angry with me and stop being a friend, I will try to salvage it. If it fails, be it, there's nothing I can do.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. That is a great way to look at it. And I wont wash my hands of her, I will still listen.
@fkcplamencks (24)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
Sometimes, it really does get tiring saying the same things over and over to the same person who doesnt seem to absorb the stuff you say too well. But it's all up to you. If its okay for you to keep giving the person the same advice until it truly sinks into her head, that's fine. But it doesn't make you a bad friend to stop giving the advice either, especially when you start to sound like a broken record even to yourself. As long as you keep being a friend to her even when she gets to the long-awaited point of realization when we can finally absorb everything you ever said, I think you can stop just to keep your own integrity intact hehe... :)
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. I think you are right. I do feel like a broken record. I dont think there is much else I can say to her when she asks. I will still listen, but I think I am all out of advice on this topic.
@marieta (4)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
u r right! this is somehow rediculous! i think your friend is head over heels inlove with this guy. and that guy is pretty confident that he can manipulate your friend because he knows that she loves him dearly.
i know that it is not worth to give advice but only taken for granted but i know also that ur friend needs you, so dont be tired to be there for her. just keep on advising her and let her realize that this guy is not worth of her love.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. I dont plan on dropping her as a friend. I am just wondering how I can gently tell her that I dont want to hear about him anymore, because I really dont have a lot more I can tell her, other than I dont like him, I think he is using her, and I dont believe he will change.
@sherry_navilla (420)
• Slovak Republic
8 Mar 07
that is really pretty bad... but i can't blame your friend for that. it might sound cliche but you're friend love this man a great deal. and you're friend is falling a victim in a toxic relationship. maybe what she oughta do is move into a different house, change numbers and not be in contact with this man ever again so she can totally erase him from his life which will be a lot better for her. she needs help sis.. you shouldn't give up on her especially now.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Oh I dont plan on giving up on her. I just get tired of hearing the same thing over and over. She has been doing this for over 3 years with the same man. I think maybe she is going to wash her hands of him this time, I can hope anyway.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
8 Mar 07
I think this one of those cases that just have to fall on their face, I would tell her that you do not feel that it would be benificial to give your advice any more as it is just not working, so in future perhapse you do not wish to hear about whats his name. Your friend knows , she just hasen't gotten around to accepting what is going on, She still believes she can change this idiot, and all will be well, we know that it is not going to happen but she is not there yet. When it all goes south be suportive but do not give any more advice, she needs to see a profesional, and pay her dues
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you. I think you are right. She does think she can "fix" him. I will continue to be supportive, but I dont think I will tell her my opinions anymore.
@dj_udin2002 (166)
• Indonesia
8 Mar 07
today i will stop it.
yeagh she can choosed her live... we have give the idea and advice to her.
if nothing change with her hmm yeagh thats the way for her choosed.
1 person likes this
@huggiebear22 (2007)
• Canada
8 Mar 07
i will gicve advice once adn expalin why i think they need to hear it ido it so it is just me adn them if they choose to take it great if they choose to ignore it there loss. If they come to me for help with it ort seeking it will help them but i am not one to reapeat it over and over.
1 person likes this
@srinilogin (200)
•
8 Mar 07
I will give advise 3-5 times i suggest . if he does not mind then i will not disturb by giving advice at every time if i think he is ding wrong think i will alert him
1 person likes this
