My Son is KILLING ME!
By MsJessi
@MsJessi (423)
United States
March 13, 2007 6:54pm CST
Oh My God, I am so frustrated now...I feel sorry for keyboard!!! I do not how to deal with him anymore!! He is normally such a sweet kid! And he's my oldest, 9 years old. But he is the biggest cryer, whiner I've ever met!! I mean, the kid cries every day after school about his day at school and his homework. He struggles with his homework, because he doesn't pay attention. And as a parent this frightens me...I can only imagine how hard school is for him, when he struggles so much with being able to focus. As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with him...no medical issues that I know of.
What amazes me, is that when he really wants to, he can come home and get his homework done in a snap, and be at least 90% right on it! But 90% percent of the time, he doesn't! So he sits and whines about how his homework doesn't make any sense, and how supposedly the teacher is giving him work that she never taught about, and how the papers must be wrong because his answer is different!!! Come on!
What can I do? I mean, really, what can I say to this kid to motivate him...besides what I've already dang near lost my voice over already!! And I don't mean yelling...I try not to yell. Sometimes maybe my voice will get a little firm...but that's because I'm "mom" not dad, so I have to do that to be heard.
I've tried explaining to him that if he doesn't start trying to pay attention in class, he's gonna fail the 3rd grade. And I've never had to fail a grade before, but I wouldn't want to either!
Sadly, I must admit, that even I am thinking about holding him back a year, even if he does graduate to the 4th grade, because I just don't think he's ready! I can't figure out if this is all because he doesn't want to do it, or because he can...but if that's the case, why can he manage to do it sometimes?? How does it just switch on and off like that?His day is miserable at school, because he never gets to participate in recess...why? Cause that's when he has to do the classwork that he didn't do during the time the classwork should have been done!! lol. He's been having his recess's taken away for the past 2 years! It's obviously not working for him.
His last teacher had a special desk that was isolated, and I told him to start using that for Gavin, and it actually started to work, but not every teacher will have that...and some teachers aren't so willing to hear "suggestions" on what to do with their class.
UGH!!!! This kid makes me wanna scream sometimes!!! No wonder i can't quit smoking...it's the only thing that I can do to walk away for a few minutes!
3 people like this
32 responses
@lenywp (1963)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
At least you don't have a kid who will skip school, smoke, drink etc..
He is only little and will surely grow out of it. You will just have to stand by his side while he does that, and maybe give some support to the little fella! :)
I'm sure he will get over it soon - afterall, I was like that when I was younger, except I got over it at the end of grade one. I was vey scared of frawing because I couldn't do it and it was tough.
@smilyanita (17)
• China
14 Mar 07
I think Cavin should know what he is acting ,as he is old enough to accept what did his parents and teacher suggest . Also he should think of his future .as to parents .you and your husband .should remind him and also explain to him why he should study hard .why he should pay attention to classes .I think you know the reason .yeah . Come on .I think your child will understand
@danishcanadian (28955)
• Canada
14 Mar 07
I'm glad you had a chance to vent. We all need that, sometimes.
Maybe Gavin is acting out because something else is bothering him. You mentioned at the end that he has a lot of siblings. Could he be feeling that he doesn't get enough attention at home? Are his siblings picking on him at schoo, if they attend the same school, or is it someone else, and he just doesn't want to talk about it? Maybe something's scaring him...it could be all kinds of things!! Better keep investigating .
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Here is my advice.
When my best friend went through a similar situation she took her daughter to a pysh. because she truley believed something was emotionally wrong.
The up shot of it actually turned out very simple.
Her daughter wanted her attention, when she whined and cried and started arguments she got moms full attention. Sometimes even hours of time devoted to her over homework and rationalizing.
She cured it quite simple she stopped rewarding her daughters negative behavior with attention. When her girl would start the whole "this is too hard I can't I will never understand etc" she would sit down write down how to do the problem and show her once. Then she walked away. The only way she would come back and help more was after her daughter completed the work then she would check it over. If it was wrong she would repeat the process again again never talking about why she was upset, telling her to calm down, or getting angry and yelling.
Eventually (I would say within a month or two) her daughter learned that mom only gave her attention when she herself was under control and behaving properly.
@MsJessi (423)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I've often thought about that being his problem too. Cause he does have 4 younger siblings, 3 of them being toddlers...that take up quite a bit of mom's time. But I can honestly say that Gavin is not starving for attention...at least it's not as if he's not given any.
Thanks!
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I'd start by requesting an evaluation by the school. If you are in the US they must provide an evaluation if you request one in writing (even if the school doesn't think it's needed) from there, if there are any problems the school will arrange a team meeting with you to come up with an ed plan that works for your son.
Also take a look at what it is he's having this frustration over. Many schools spend so much time & energy readying kids for various tests that have to be done (here in Massachusetts it's the MCAS, other states have their own versions) and not much time is spent on truly understanding & comprehending subjects. Perhaps a tutor, even just a good student from the local high school; would help him really understand the subjects.
@tboner23 (121)
• United States
14 Mar 07
you should watch supernanny.... she was on last night i dont know why i watched her show but she was amazing.. she taught this black family how to control there kids rather than physical abuse to repremand them just by putting them in there room or something. But you should try that or just be more demanding from your kids. But i do suggest you try harder to stop smoking because that is one of the worst things you can do to your body.
@mzbubblie (3839)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I'm so sorry to hear that...It's very possible it is a cry out for help, something may be wrong with him, either kids/friends at school, he may be unhappy about something....
I'm a parent to and I know that my son would always be quiet and don't say much rather then whining...But, over the years, I've learned to observe, communicate, and be more active...
Plus since he's the oldest, it's possible he is jealous and have been for the longest time, you never know...
Lastly, if nothing else works, I would suggest taking him to a doctor and see what they can do...
Good luck to you and your family
@sonu_myworld (6)
• United States
15 Mar 07
As mentioned by someone.. try the reward system. I did same with my nephews. He is too lazy to do homework and studies. He had his English exam in few days and my aunt was really frustrated with him. I played following tricks...
1) It all started with some words from his english text book. I pretended as if i don't know anything.. he was amazed and he started explaining me everything. He was proud of the fact that he understand English so well and I don't understand English despite of the fact that I live in US. Doesn't matter if kid thinks tis way, at least he is completing his work.
2) Few of my nephew's favorite things - his spider man t shirt, train set, etc. So one day i was teaching him maths. He was constantly giving me wrong answers. I then told him, "one more wrong answer and spider man t-shirt is mine". he was surprised to hear this and he said it wont fit me. I said, I know the size is small but I can take that t-shirt and give it to his brother (who wanted the same t-shirt). he gave a wrong answer and it was mine. next thing i won was his train set. I picked the two things and kept it in my cupboard. He realized that I mean my words. he said, "its a challenge to me. lets do it again." Just to fool around I said, "No enough. I don't have much time now and anyways you don't like to study so these things are mine and now u go and play. Playing is what u want. Go..." He said "No i want to study and I will take my things back from you. Now.. give me more addition and multiplication problems." and I was happy to hear that though I didn't reveal my feelings. He answered correctly and he won back his t-shirt and game. To add to it, he said, now I will take your pen (the one he likes most) give me more problems...
Well the above things actually worked for me. You might want to try that.
Remember, "TO HANDLE A CHILD YOU WILL HAVE TO BECOME ONE"
@shall4548 (36)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Kids sure do have a way of turning your life upside down dont they. You cant imagine your life without them and yet they drive you crazy all at the same time. I am so sorry your son is testing your limits. Some children are just very dominating. I have a 8 yr. old and he is wonderfull but I have a 3 and 4 yr. old who push me to my limit everyday. They dont like to listen and for some unkown reason they try to see how far they can go.
I have two nephews who are alot like your son, they both failed their grades last year and seem not to really care. They can be angels when they want to be but most of the time they are telling their mom what to do and she just doesnt know what to do. I would say the difference here is that you dont let him walk all over you, she does.
The reality of this is that sometime there is nothing you can do to change them. My nephew grew up going to church everyday sun. with my mom and she practically raised them and then somewhere along the line they completley changed and no matter what we do they dont seem to ge better. I even offered to let them come and stay with me and my husband I thought they could use a male figure in their life but didnt want to b/c they would have to listen and do chores as for at home they dont have to do this stuff.
I'm sorry I have no answers for you just keep your head up and keep doing what your doing you sound like a great mom and you are punishing him. Is there something that is really important to him that you could take a while to make him realize that you are serious about his behavour.
Let me know how it turns out I will keep you in my thought I have seen first hand how hard this can be. Good luck to you and your family.
@ypsinut (19)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I just want to say that I feel your pain.I was amazed to read your discussion because I also have a 9 year old son and everything you wrote was exactly whats on my mind.I am so frustrated ,everything I say and do with him doesen't do me any good he just stays the same.I don't want my kid to get on medication because I've seen other kids who take meds and they sleep all day or sit around saying nothing all day.I am LOST but I'll keep tryin untill something works because I hate seeing him struggle.
@Cougarlover152 (108)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Hey, Mom, hang in there! My thoughts are with you!
I just had a thought; has your son ever been tested for dyslexia? It may be why he feels his homework doesn't make any sense.
It sounds like he does truly care about doing a good job with his work, but he's frustrated that he's not understanding it properly. Maybe finding out why he doesn't understand the work is the key to solving these problems.
Also, Mom, you need to get a break. Is there someone who can take care of the kids while you have some time to yourself? Being good to yourself is good for your family, too!
I wish you all the best and hope you'll keep us posted with your progress! Blessings!!
@kurtbiewald (2625)
• United States
14 Mar 07
sounds to me like he is just bored maybe
I was like that at his age and I turned out mostly ok
see that he gets a good education, bring him to museums, get many books from the library, be nice to him, maybe he would be there to care for you in your old age then
@Rockmeister (467)
• United States
14 Mar 07
super nanny can help you with that=) that's true, if you watch that tv show how she help the mothers or parents with the same situation as you have...
@Jasonism (9)
• Singapore
14 Mar 07
Since he is the eldest child, i believe that the attention devoted to him isn't as much as it was. It will cause the child to feel unloved and jealous, which will cause the child to do all sorts of things to get their parents attention. I suppose every time when he come home from school and her cry or whine, you will react to it in a certain way. By doing so you are giving him the attention that he needs. Be it good attention or bad attention he still need the attention. And he by now should have realise that every time he cry or whine, he gets your attention, so he will not stop doing it. A solution to what you can do is to leave him alone when he is crying or whine, just block him out totally. When he finally stop crying or whining get him to do his homework. When he finish his homework, praise him for being a good boy. Some people believe in the rewards system, when the kid do something correct you give the kids a reward. But i believe that using that method will only encourage the kids to accomplish their goal only if they have a reward. The moment the rewward is gone they will stop working all at once. And most parents forget the the words "I love you" is very important, every time when the kids do a right thing praise him and tell him how much you love him. That will make the kids feel loved. And remember no matter how hard he cry or whine ignore him, sooner or later he will realise that the only way for him to get your attention is by doing his homework and will start to do it without you asking. This solution will take awhile before you see it taking effect, but it's worth the wait.
@FrancyDafne (2047)
• Italy
14 Mar 07
Hi MsJessi,
I can understand your pain, I have only one child, he's 7 now, but he never slept when he was a baby. I couldn't sleep for 18/20 months, I was becoming crazy because of him. The last year he was the worst pupil of his class, he never stayed still, he shouted and made a lot of noise, I was really desperate. I worked very much with him, I had had a bitter lesson, but things changed and now he is a good student very respected by the other pupils of his class and by the teachers.
To me, first, you should try to be calm, your son is a normal boy, like boys of his age, so there is nothing to be worry for, second, you have to enter his world, you must try to understand his viewpoints and later to try to change what is wrong together. Maybe you are right when you tell him: "if you don't start trying to pay attention in class, you're gonna fail the 3rd grade", but maybe he doesn't care to reach the 3rd grade, and so you should change strategy. You have to understand the reason why he doesn't participate in class. If he can't do during the time the classwork should have been done he has no faults, every kid has his own times, there is the fast kid and the slow one, teachers should respect his times.
You have to do a lot of work with your son - and, above all - with teachers, but I'm sure you'll do it.
@NatureBoy (493)
• Singapore
14 Mar 07
First of all, I think you should stop using walking away as an excuse to smoke. Just smoke. Maybe something wrong and you haven't noticed it.
You already knows that he cries lot and whines a lot, but did you find out why? As a parent, I know that you want what is the best for him. You know education is important. But all this is the pressure and stuff that you are building on him. No doubt that its for his good. He doesn't understand it yet.
Spend some time with him outside of homework and school. Go for a short camping trip where you do nothing about homework and school with him. It could be just over the weekend. I bet you will be able to see a lot more positive things about you kid then you already know. This hopefully will also let you understand him more. Its not about what's best for him. Its about how much you understand about him that you can begin doing good to him.
@monica1981 (466)
• United States
14 Mar 07
It sounds like your son might have ADD. If he does, there is medication that can help him. Ask a guidance counselor or your doctor how you can get him tested, and have it done as soon as you can. The sooner you find out the sooner you can help your son and stop going crazy.
