Elderly Parents - HELP!!!
By feralwoman
@feralwoman (2199)
Australia
March 13, 2007 7:54pm CST
Throughout my life my parents and I have never gotten along. They were quite old when they had me and I was an only child. I was very lonely as my friends didn't want to come over & play as they thought my parents were weird. To them they were. To everyone they were, because they were German's living in the UK.
For the last 2-3 years, for mental health reasons, I've had to shut down all communication with my parents. My mental health has improved tremendously and i'm better than ever I was!
My parents are now in their mid 80's and my father recently had a mild stroke from which he is recovering. He also has Alzheimers. My mother has fought breast cancer and won and has had a hip replacement. They never told me any of their health issues, even when we were communicating. This is the sort of people they are. They are very set in their ways to the point of being regimented and are very authoritarian.
My question to you all is (if there's anyone still left reading this!): I live in Australia, they live in the UK. They want to come and live with my husband and I. I feel it is my duty to look after them in their twilight years, even though they have been the root cause of my depression and other problems. They have come to visit us twice in the 12 years we have lived in Oz and it's been terrible!
I'm in an absolute moral dilemma here. I am hoping that they are refused residency in Australia, but on the other hand I worry about them not receiving proper care in their ageing years.
Can anyone offer any advice? I'm at my wits end!
4 people like this
26 responses
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
14 Mar 07
FerelWoman, my grand parents on my fathers side were germen, as was my father for that matter but in the case of my grand parents they were very strict rigid people. My father would only take us to visit on special occasions but not holidays as that would mean spending the entire day with them. He did not hate his parents but only tolerated them out of respect, he always said just because it is his parents. He did not want his children exposed to my grandfathers anger. I do remember my Grandmother being kind but never really affectionate. My father in their last years rented a home in an assisted living community for them, but continued his type of caring from afar. I can not imagine what it was like growing up with them for him. He never really talked about it with us children, the only stories were from my mother.
He did feel a sense of obligation somewhat, but not the need to let his parents intrude on his happiness. I hope with my heart you can find a way to resolve this issue and come to terms with your inner struggles. My thoughts go out to you.
2 people like this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Angelwhispers thankyou. Your grandparents sound like my parents - strict and rigid. I do not hate my parents, neither do I judge them as someone has suggested. I am trying to find a solution in order to keep my sanity and make sure that they are OK and looked after in their twilight years. As I am their only child I do feel a sense of obligation, but not at the cost of years of hard work to regain my sanity and life. Thank you so much for your thoughts and for a very understanding and kind response to a somewhat sensitive issue. lol
1 person likes this
@cayennepepper (266)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Taking care of aging parents is a very hard thing to do. I took care of my parents when they were sick for five years before they passed away. It is a very rewarding and also draining thing and you are right to give it much thought before you take on such a life changing task. Although my parents didn't live in our home, I was by choice always looking in on them. You must ask yourself and your husband what you can and are willing to do. Think how this may effect your lives and theirs. I am a worrier and would not like to be able to have my parents near me, but I knew I could not take care of small children and my parents 24 hours a day. My parents lived at home with assisted living as long as they could then the last two years they lived in a nursing home. I visited them several times a week and we went out at least once a week. Both parents were in a wheel chair after having strokes and I had small children to keep an I on. I was exhausted at times, but I will never regret the times we spent together. My parents were very dear to me.
If you can I would see if they could move near you so you could look in on them without having to be on call 24 hours a day, unless that is what you want. Hope you have many happy memories in these later years together.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
Hello there cayennepepper. Thank you for sharing your experience of looking after your parents with me. It certainly is giving me a lot to think about. I think having them near to me but not actually living with me would be a good idea. Thank you so much for giving me alternatives to think about and for responding. lol
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
Yes, thankyou it did help. It was great to read your response! ;)
@cayennepepper (266)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Hope this helped. I can only say from what I've been through myself. Sorry for the long history.
1 person likes this
@ossie16d (11821)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
This is an awful dilemna feralwoman, and as for those who were rude and said/implied that you had a duty to your parents, they have no idea what they are talking about.
For a start you have suffered for years because of your childhood and how you felt about things. In addition I suspect that your parents had problems back then, but they had learnt to hide them. You worked hard to get to where you are today, mentally at peace, and you should not allow a "sense of duty" to drag you back to those bad old days once again. You and your husband chose to make your life here in Australia, away from your family, and I suspect that the move contributed to you becoming more settled and seeing your depression under control.
Perhaps you could check to see if there is anywhere they could live in the UK, i.e. a Nursing Home or some such thing. At least there your mother would be with people she knows, having her own things, where she knows the shops, climate etc but at the same time having help on hand should be be needed with your father. I doubt that they would be allowed to migrate to Australia, unless of course they have a considerable amount of money to support them for the rest of their lives. The other alternative is that you and your husband would have to go guarantors I believe and prove that you can meet all costs incurred with their stay here.
Although we in Australia have a reciprocal agreement with the UK regarding health care, because this is a pre-existing condition, the guidelines would be much stricted in their case. Either do a search on the web or call the Immigration Dept, as they could certainly advise you.
The other thing to be considered is our weather, which as you know can vary considerably, and at their age it will be hard for your parents to adjust I suspect. Your father will not improve and in fact his condition will only worsen because there is no cure for Alzheimers. That will put an additional strain on your mother, so are you up to coming mentally and physically should you have to take over for a period of time.
It is not your duty to look after them, and in fact your duty (as you say) is to maintain good mental health, and I do not see that happening if they are living here. Also consider how your husband will feel about them living here feralwoman.
If they are living here, will you still be able to do your craft work? Will you still have time for your animals? Will you still have time to run your market stall every week? What happens to your parents when you and your husband decide to go away for a few days? Will you be happy to drive them everywhere they want to go, and that includes medical appointments, shopping etc? Remember that your parents will not be able to get a drivers' licence here in Australia, or it is highly unlikely given their health and age.
So your options are that you look for a place for them to live in the UK and that should probably be somewhere like a Nursing Home or Retirement Village with attached/nearby medical support/assistance for when it is required. The other option is that you accept that they are moving here to Australia but they must live independently from you.
I sincerely hope for your sake feralwoman that the Australian Government rejects any application they might make.
As for the person who suggested they come here on a visitors visa and they just stay on, that is wrong and not really acceptable either. I also suspect that they would have problems getting a visitors visa anyway, given their health. Okay, if you feel strong enough mentally, then perhaps a visit to them might help you a lot out of this dilemna. While you are there, check out a few places where they could move to. If they reject that idea, then there is nothing that you can do about it.
Be brave, check out the facts and then present them to your parents and although it might be hard for you for a little while, you have done so well in the past couple of years since you cut contact with them. I am sure that neither you nor your husband want you to go back to those "bad old days" all over again.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
19 Mar 07
Hi there Ossie. What valuable comments you have made. I have checked out a couple of visa websites, both of which came back with different responses! In one case my parents were refused entry and in the other it was allowed! I am now getting different answers from them as to exactly what their motivation is for coming to live with us in Australia, which is starting to make me suspicious. I am coming round to the idea of them staying firmly put in the UK. You're right about checking out the facts and presenting them to the parents. I feel like i'm being pulled this way and that way and I've been having to increase my tranquilisers since all this started. I don't know about visiting the UK, i'll have to think long and hard about that one. Thank you so very much for your comments and understanding. LOL
@bjsmel (97)
• United States
15 Mar 07
I really don't think any of us can give you advice. We would have had to walk in your shoes to know the circumstances you have been through but bringing them to live with you does not sound like a bed of roses. check out Assisted Living. Maybe a Nursing Home where they would be near you but you would not have the every day responsibility caring for them. Sound like disaster coming if they come to live with you. Best of luck. Let us know what you decide. I am sincerely concerned about you.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
19 Mar 07
Aww, thanks so much for your concern bjsmel. I am coming round to the idea that they should stay put in the UK. Rightly or wrongly, they are not good people and are now giving me differing versions as to why they feel the need to come and live with us. Thanks so much for your concern and your response. LOL
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
14 Mar 07
I have to agree with you, your parents coming to live with you is not the answer, even if you were very close, If there is any possible way try to inquire if there are any assisted living quarters available for your parents in the UK. I know in Canada we have several in the town where I live, what it is is a lovely little apartment, where they live, if your mom is able to keep the apartment up by herself of if she requires assistance, with the house or your father it will be given, In Canada these assisted living quarters are usually part of a seniors complex, and while subsidized by the government are usually church run, You do not have to be of the same religion to live there. The cost depends on your parents ability to pay, if they have a lot of money, they pay full shot about $2800.00 per month, If all they get is the old age pension then it is a percentage of that. As they get older and need more help you may be moved over to the home itself, where you will remain for the rest of your life, Your parents are always being looked after and for, the amount depends on a how frail they are, evaluations are done when a change is noticed. I would recommend this sort of living accommodations, as your parents will shortly need more and more care, far more than you are able and possibly are willing to give. being a caregiver is a very difficult and thankless job doing it for one person never mind both. I would recommend you go on line or if necessary go to the UK and get this set up I am pretty sure they will not be given living status in Australia. Your mental health has just been returned to you, I can assure you it will be gone with in a month of trying to care for your parents. Please do not feel guilty about this, I can promise that if they get their new quarters in an assisted living place they will be in seventh heaven, and you will be able to relax. so Please look into this, get on the government web and get as much info as possible to help your parents help themselves
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Geez RobinJ thanks for that excellent advice. However, my parents are very proud people and somewhat strange in their thinking. When they retired at age 65 my dad just gave up driving for no reason and started acting like an old person. My mother has to do everything for him, back then and certainly now. He can't really do anything for himself, not because he's unable to - it's just that he doesn't know how to! Your comments are really worth checking into - thank you so much for that. lol
@butterflydawn (297)
• Canada
14 Mar 07
Even if your parents are proud people, the time has come when they need to move past that and ask for your help. You have to explain to them you don't feel it would work out for them to come and live with you, because you can't handle the added responsibility and care of them. I like the response Robin J. has made. There are places out there that are much different than a nursing home, and yet still provide more peace of mind along with various services to the elderly.
I know my father is 82 and needs to be taken for dialysis three days a week, along with needing a lot of extra help with various things because he is almost blind. We've been checking into the various things to help assist him and make it easier for him to remain in his own apt in a senior's building. Getting someone in to help with the cleaning, laundry even the cooking etc. can really help out. He wants to remain as independent as possible for now, and has asked me not to put him into a nursing home so I'm just doing my best to find ideas' and suggestions for him. We don't really have the space for him to live with us, and I really don't feel it would work out to have him here in our present situation anyway. Stil I want to help him, and feel I owe him that much.
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Yes, RobinJ did respond very well. I don't know how my parents would feel if someone came in to clean for them. My mum would probably try and clean first, before the cleaner came in. She's completely obsessed with housework and ironing and having everything neat and tidy. In fact their house look like no one lives there as everything is very clinically in it's place. There is no "homely" atmosphere in their place at all. Thank you so much for your comments and I will look into it. lol
@audreych (13)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
My parents are not at that stage yet but I have also distanced myself for my parents due to depression from emotional bullying. My suggestion would be to have them nearby but NOT living with you. It will definately cause problems for you and your husband and in the end it is your life, do you really want to have to start from scratch after the progress you have made. An interesting book is called 'Toxic Parents' it's worth a read. You mention that you feel it is your 'duty' to look after them, this tells me that if you don't have them nearby you are going to feel guilt when they are gone. Please contact me if you want to chat. My prayers are with you.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
Hello there audreych. I like the title of the book "Toxic Parents"! You're right when you say that i'll feel guilt when they've gone. They've done something amazing and reached out to me for the only time in their lives, so I feel honour bound to help them the best way that I can. You're very perceptive! Thanks for your valuable input and thank you so much for responding. lol
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I totally understand your dilemma.
Perhaps there is a way to manage this without having to have daily contact with your parents. If they get moved nearer to you then you could arrange for a visiting nurse or some other service to check on them or provide care fot hem daily. Another option might be an assisted living home which is sort of like a nursing home but they would have a bit more autonomy.
This way, they would know that you are nearby, you could keep tabs just enough to take care of real problems but maintain a healthy emotional distance. This way you would fulfill your obligation without placing yourself in harm's way.
If I think of anything else I will let you know....but I understand your difficulty and you have every right toprotect yourself from an unhealthy situation.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Thank you SageMother. After reading the totally unhelpful load of abuse above it's nice to know that someone understands my dilemma. Your suggestions sound ideal. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. The previous correspondant has got my hackles up and i'd like to write more but i am crying with anger at the moment. Thank you very much for responding.
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I can just understand your dilemma. Being an only child, we are the only one who has to look after our parents and the only one who can decide on what to do with them in their old age. I know that I will be the one taking care of my mother when she will be in her ripe age but then I have a great relationship with her.
In your case, I know that they might drive you crazy but deep inside you will feel guilty if you are not able to take care of them on this stage. They are already in that ripe age and you might be compelled to do your duty as a child. Even know they affect your peace of mind but you got a pure heart to still think of their welfare.
If they want to come live with you, and if you and your parents can afford it, build them an adjacent cottage next to your house. They got their own space and you will have yours. Even if it is just a one room cottage or a little kitchen if your mother will still cook. I know a friend who did this and she got what she wanted that she can just check how her parents are doing but they are on their own space 24/7. But then, it really depends on if you live in a house or an apartment.
About their visa, am not sure what the policy in other countries, but suppose to be if your parents will want to live with you and they are on their old age, the immigration people will want proof that they can afford to live in the country without getting any government assistance or if you sponsor them, you can afford to pay for all their needs while they stay in the country.
I know it seems to be a big task with this kind of situation but take a step at a time and don't let it overwhelm you. Everything has a solution, it depends on how you face them. Goodluck with everything.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
The idea of a separate granny flat sounds great, but it's not feasible in our garden unfortunately. That would solve a few problems. We live on a hill and the land is very unstable, in fact it's on the move and has caused us a few problems already what with underground pipes breaking etc. Yes I think you're right about the visa, but if/when they sell their flat they will have enough money to be able to look after themselves. Thank you for your kind advice, I shall try not to let it overwhelm me! Thanks for responding. lol
@raheel07 (485)
• Pakistan
15 Mar 07
I am feeling really bad for them. They might have not discussed their health issues because they didnt want you to get upset. Secondly if they dont share such things with you it doesn't mean they are authoritarian. In your mind, it can just be a generation gap. Listen the depression is itself is created by you and people around you. There is nothing greater than satisfaction in helping people and what a virtue you have that you have a chance to help you parents. I guess it is every child's duty to take care of their parents where they are old. Please don't miss this opportunity.
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
They didn't discuss their health issues with me because it didn't occur to them that I might be interested! When I asked them why they didn't tell me their response was "well, what could you have done?". They understand nothing about moral support. They are not interested in anything about me either. They are authoritarian, not because they don't share these things with me, but because they believe they are right in all things and everyone else's opinion (especially mine!) is totally wrong and should be dismissed and regarded as rubbish. The depression was not created by me, but the way I was brought up and what happened to me - being a child what happened was beyond my control and comprehension. I didn't cause it. I believe very much in helping people, but my dilemma here is not whether or not to help my parents - but how to do it in such a way as to preserve my current state of mental health which is excellent. Thanks for your response.
@beaniegdi (1964)
•
14 Mar 07
If your father has alzheimers then he is going to need nursing care so you might not be able to look after him in your own home anyway. I don't want to sound horrible but I doubt your father will live much longer as alzheimers does shorten their lives and he is already very old. Same with your mother, she can't be in very good health and I would think is going to need a lot of care, if not right now then quite soon. I wouldn't have thought they would be allowed in as they are of an age when they will need care and I would have thought that would debar them as the country would be footing the bill for this care. You could ring the authorities yourself to check on this which might stop you worrying. It is sad that you had problems with your parents but people from the older generation were brought up themselves in a very regimented way, plus it would have been much harder for you being on your own. Whatever you decide make sure that you have made peace with them or with yourself as when they have gone you don't want to then be eaten up with guilt if you think there is something you could have said to them while they were alive.
It is natural to want to care for your parents as no matter what your relationship with them has been like they are your parents and you will still love them.
1 person likes this
@AdamMax (260)
• United States
14 Mar 07
You are not alone. My parents are divorced and my stepmother takes good care of my father. However my mother is very dysfunctional and is what they call a "hoarder". She constantly buys things,.and won't throw anything away. Not even junk mail. We had to move her out of her house and into a retirement home. We donated 300 30-Gal trash bags full of clothes(most still with tags on them) and filled 3 of those giant trash containers that they use on construction sites. That was the first time. Shes done this continually in the retirement home she is in now also. They have threatened to kick her out there if she does it again. I like you,..cannot have her move into my house without going insane,..not to mention I am a single dad with three sons and only a small home.( which might collapse under the weight of her collections.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
AdamMax you have a great sense of humour! That comment about your house collapsing under the weight of your mother's collections put a badly needed smile on my face! Thanks for that! My parents are the opposite of your mum, they do not hoard at all. In fact when they kicked me out they got rid of all my stuff pretty quick - so I have nothing of mine left from when I was a kid. My husband's parents on the other hand have kept all of his childhood stuff and occasionally send him an old book that he used to read as a boy. I find this very touching and caring and I wish mine could have been like that. Thanks for your comments and thank you so much for responding. lol
@aissha (2036)
• India
14 Mar 07
hey dear friend ,i'm an indian ,nice to know that ur childhood was not as u wanted still u have good feelings for ur parents,i sincerely appreciate it.
as u do want to take care u should and before that communication should be frequent and stronger.so that both u and ur parents should be comfortable to say what is the real feeling,at present i feel both of u don't want to bother each other ,u and ur parents feel to not into interfere in lives,actually it need to be communicated and have faith and confidence in each other and please say to ur parents that u love them and want to be with them.
i think this will make a difference.i sincerely feel they need u. bye dear friend i also felt u r basically warm hearted and true ,honest person this will take u long way,take care
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Hello there Aissha. My childhood and indeed most of my adulthood was not good, a legacy from my parents I guess. I do not hate them, but i do feel some sense of responsibility towards them, as they have nobody else to care for them. Thank you very much for your comments and thanks very much for responding. lol
@wondering1 (10)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Great question,hard answer. I think you should ask yourself the question what if my parents before you made a decision how would you cope mentally with the answer. So have a complicated problem. Think hard , take all factors into consideration when making your decision, and don't feel bad if you decide the undertaking will be too much.Maybe consider a assisted living facility that way they would be close to you and yet not always with you. Consider that some Alzheimers patients have to be place in a nursing facility to protect themselves , this again woud depend on the progression of his disease, also ask yourself if you can physically take care of them as well as mentally.Bottom line only you can make the decision as you have to be comfortable with it. What does your spouse feel, after all it affects him greatly as well.
Let me know your decision and why if its not to invasive to your privacy.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Hello Wondering1. This is indeed a hard one. From what i can understand from my mother I don't think my father's alzheimers is too bad - he is very forgetful and that is all at the moment. However, I can't really rely on what she says as she is not always truthful. My spouse is just about as confused as I am at the moment, but bless him, he is being very supportive. Thank you so much for your comments and your response. lol
@onosan (6)
• Malaysia
14 Mar 07
Just take care of them and think this. With out ur parents, u will not be born in this world. Cherish them while still can. They are the most valuable person in ur life and cannot be replaced by anyone or anything. Just try to make them happy and not forgetting to make ur own happy also.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Hello Onosan. My husband is the most valuable person in my life! I will try to make them happy and feel comfortable but not at the cost of my health. Thank you very much for your comments.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I feel for you feralwoman and its definitely a hard decision for you to make, and only you and your husband can make that decision. If you don't take care of them, then who will? I have been talking with my husband about my parents and who will be responsible for them when they get older, and even though I have a twin sister and three brothers, I feel that it will be me. We were thinking of ways to accommodate them, and we were thinking maybe (if and when we purchase a home) to build a separate granny flat of some sort, so that each of us still had our own privacy, but I would still be close enough to take care of them. Just a thought. I hope it works out in the end for you and your parents.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Hello maddysmommy. I so wish we had a granny flat in our garden, but I doubt if we'd get planning permission for it. Also our land is on a slope and also on the move, so I guess building is out of the question. Thanks for your comments and thanks for responding! lol
@NatureBoy (493)
• Singapore
14 Mar 07
You have a very sensitive issue here. You parents are elderly indeed in their mid-80s. The climate and temperates in Australia are very much different then from the UK if I'm not wrong. At their age, if they can get used to the change I think its good.
I think maybe, you can invite them over again. This time for a longer period. Maybe a month or so. If things work out, they can stay. If not they can go back and you will visit. People, in general, in the later parts of live will want to spend more time with their loved ones. Regardless of the relationship between you and them, I'm sure they love you a lot. I would not like to advise you on anything. But it will be a heart breaker if you were not be their side, should something happen to them. Any issue that can be resolved is no issue at all. Think positive, think in a manner that will make both your parents and your present family happy. Love all and Love will come back.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
You have an excellent point about inviting them over again NatureBoy. I'd not thought of that. Thank you very much for that and thanks for responding. lol
@touchofjupiter (157)
• United States
14 Mar 07
For your own peace of mind, you probably would feel better if they actually do come to Australia and you watch over them. HOWEVER, it is essential that you have them SEPARATE from you as far as living quarters go. You are an adult who has a right to your own life without anyone questioning your methods and ways. So, I would suggest looking into a form of assisted living arrangement (but not in YOUR home). You need your space, too!
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
I think you may have hit the nail on the head there touchofjupiter! However, it would be putting off the inevitable for a while I guess if they live separately until my mother can no longer take care of everything. You must be psychic or something because they are very critical of everything I do! Thank you so much for your thoughts on this and thanks for responding. lol
@coolmailraj (2460)
• India
14 Mar 07
You are right if you decide to be with your parents in theirtwilight years. I am an Indian and all my life I have seen this that there is nothing as deligtful as being with your parents even if they are not good with our generation it might be due to the kind of environment i live in but I think its O.K.
@dumbu_veerabadra (48)
• India
14 Mar 07
Dear ma'am, From my point of view there is one good solutin i feel. Why dont they go for visitors visa to Australia? Try to get visitors visa for more years span. Recently one of my uncle got visitors visa which can last for 10years. But at the time of interview they should not reveal that they are going to stay for long time in Australia with you. What do u think?
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Hello there - no one has called me ma'am for a very long time - thank you (I think!) I don't see what difference it would make whether they had a visitors visa or a permanent residency visa. Perhaps it would not entitle them to aged health care rebates, or perhaps it would affect their pension from being transferred from the UK to Australia. Who knows? That would have to be another topic of research for me. Thank you for responding, a valid point you made there. lol
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
14 Mar 07
i would recommend them to perhaps an assisted living home,if you wish them near
that way your mom can still be somewhat independant,but with help.
i agreed to help take care of my grandmother with alzheimers when my family moved her into our home.
i ended up being so stressed i couldn't even turn my head
or sleep,because she was still ambulatory and violent.
my family had dropped it all in my lap.
if there were other problems with them previously,i wouldn't move them in.
1 person likes this
@feralwoman (2199)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
Thanks for your comments scarletwoman. Sounds like you had a bad time. Thank you very much for responding.