Elderly Parents - HELP!!!

FerelWoman, my grand parents on my fathers side were germen, as was my father for that matter but in the case of my grand parents they were very strict rigid people. My father would only take us to visit on special occasions but not holidays as that would mean spending the entire day with them. He did not hate his parents but only tolerated them out of respect, he always said just because it is his parents. He did not want his children exposed to my grandfathers anger. I do remember my Grandmother being kind but never really affectionate. My father in their last years rented a home in an assisted living community for them, but continued his type of caring from afar. I can not imagine what it was like growing up with them for him. He never really talked about it with us children, the only stories were from my mother. He did feel a sense of obligation somewhat, but not the need to let his parents intrude on his happiness. I hope with my heart you can find a way to resolve this issue and come to terms with your inner struggles. My thoughts go out to you.

Taking care of aging parents is a very hard thing to do. I took care of my parents when they were sick for five years before they passed away. It is a very rewarding and also draining thing and you are right to give it much thought before you take on such a life changing task. Although my parents didn't live in our home, I was by choice always looking in on them. You must ask yourself and your husband what you can and are willing to do. Think how this may effect your lives and theirs. I am a worrier and would not like to be able to have my parents near me, but I knew I could not take care of small children and my parents 24 hours a day. My parents lived at home with assisted living as long as they could then the last two years they lived in a nursing home. I visited them several times a week and we went out at least once a week. Both parents were in a wheel chair after having strokes and I had small children to keep an I on. I was exhausted at times, but I will never regret the times we spent together. My parents were very dear to me. If you can I would see if they could move near you so you could look in on them without having to be on call 24 hours a day, unless that is what you want. Hope you have many happy memories in these later years together.

I really don't think any of us can give you advice. We would have had to walk in your shoes to know the circumstances you have been through but bringing them to live with you does not sound like a bed of roses. check out Assisted Living. Maybe a Nursing Home where they would be near you but you would not have the every day responsibility caring for them. Sound like disaster coming if they come to live with you. Best of luck. Let us know what you decide. I am sincerely concerned about you.

I have to agree with you, your parents coming to live with you is not the answer, even if you were very close, If there is any possible way try to inquire if there are any assisted living quarters available for your parents in the UK. I know in Canada we have several in the town where I live, what it is is a lovely little apartment, where they live, if your mom is able to keep the apartment up by herself of if she requires assistance, with the house or your father it will be given, In Canada these assisted living quarters are usually part of a seniors complex, and while subsidized by the government are usually church run, You do not have to be of the same religion to live there. The cost depends on your parents ability to pay, if they have a lot of money, they pay full shot about $2800.00 per month, If all they get is the old age pension then it is a percentage of that. As they get older and need more help you may be moved over to the home itself, where you will remain for the rest of your life, Your parents are always being looked after and for, the amount depends on a how frail they are, evaluations are done when a change is noticed. I would recommend this sort of living accommodations, as your parents will shortly need more and more care, far more than you are able and possibly are willing to give. being a caregiver is a very difficult and thankless job doing it for one person never mind both. I would recommend you go on line or if necessary go to the UK and get this set up I am pretty sure they will not be given living status in Australia. Your mental health has just been returned to you, I can assure you it will be gone with in a month of trying to care for your parents. Please do not feel guilty about this, I can promise that if they get their new quarters in an assisted living place they will be in seventh heaven, and you will be able to relax. so Please look into this, get on the government web and get as much info as possible to help your parents help themselves

I feel for you feralwoman and its definitely a hard decision for you to make, and only you and your husband can make that decision. If you don't take care of them, then who will? I have been talking with my husband about my parents and who will be responsible for them when they get older, and even though I have a twin sister and three brothers, I feel that it will be me. We were thinking of ways to accommodate them, and we were thinking maybe (if and when we purchase a home) to build a separate granny flat of some sort, so that each of us still had our own privacy, but I would still be close enough to take care of them. Just a thought. I hope it works out in the end for you and your parents.

Dear ma'am, From my point of view there is one good solutin i feel. Why dont they go for visitors visa to Australia? Try to get visitors visa for more years span. Recently one of my uncle got visitors visa which can last for 10years. But at the time of interview they should not reveal that they are going to stay for long time in Australia with you. What do u think?

This is an awful dilemna feralwoman, and as for those who were rude and said/implied that you had a duty to your parents, they have no idea what they are talking about. For a start you have suffered for years because of your childhood and how you felt about things. In addition I suspect that your parents had problems back then, but they had learnt to hide them. You worked hard to get to where you are today, mentally at peace, and you should not allow a "sense of duty" to drag you back to those bad old days once again. You and your husband chose to make your life here in Australia, away from your family, and I suspect that the move contributed to you becoming more settled and seeing your depression under control. Perhaps you could check to see if there is anywhere they could live in the UK, i.e. a Nursing Home or some such thing. At least there your mother would be with people she knows, having her own things, where she knows the shops, climate etc but at the same time having help on hand should be be needed with your father. I doubt that they would be allowed to migrate to Australia, unless of course they have a considerable amount of money to support them for the rest of their lives. The other alternative is that you and your husband would have to go guarantors I believe and prove that you can meet all costs incurred with their stay here. Although we in Australia have a reciprocal agreement with the UK regarding health care, because this is a pre-existing condition, the guidelines would be much stricted in their case. Either do a search on the web or call the Immigration Dept, as they could certainly advise you. The other thing to be considered is our weather, which as you know can vary considerably, and at their age it will be hard for your parents to adjust I suspect. Your father will not improve and in fact his condition will only worsen because there is no cure for Alzheimers. That will put an additional strain on your mother, so are you up to coming mentally and physically should you have to take over for a period of time. It is not your duty to look after them, and in fact your duty (as you say) is to maintain good mental health, and I do not see that happening if they are living here. Also consider how your husband will feel about them living here feralwoman. If they are living here, will you still be able to do your craft work? Will you still have time for your animals? Will you still have time to run your market stall every week? What happens to your parents when you and your husband decide to go away for a few days? Will you be happy to drive them everywhere they want to go, and that includes medical appointments, shopping etc? Remember that your parents will not be able to get a drivers' licence here in Australia, or it is highly unlikely given their health and age. So your options are that you look for a place for them to live in the UK and that should probably be somewhere like a Nursing Home or Retirement Village with attached/nearby medical support/assistance for when it is required. The other option is that you accept that they are moving here to Australia but they must live independently from you. I sincerely hope for your sake feralwoman that the Australian Government rejects any application they might make. As for the person who suggested they come here on a visitors visa and they just stay on, that is wrong and not really acceptable either. I also suspect that they would have problems getting a visitors visa anyway, given their health. Okay, if you feel strong enough mentally, then perhaps a visit to them might help you a lot out of this dilemna. While you are there, check out a few places where they could move to. If they reject that idea, then there is nothing that you can do about it. Be brave, check out the facts and then present them to your parents and although it might be hard for you for a little while, you have done so well in the past couple of years since you cut contact with them. I am sure that neither you nor your husband want you to go back to those "bad old days" all over again.

I can just understand your dilemma. Being an only child, we are the only one who has to look after our parents and the only one who can decide on what to do with them in their old age. I know that I will be the one taking care of my mother when she will be in her ripe age but then I have a great relationship with her. In your case, I know that they might drive you crazy but deep inside you will feel guilty if you are not able to take care of them on this stage. They are already in that ripe age and you might be compelled to do your duty as a child. Even know they affect your peace of mind but you got a pure heart to still think of their welfare. If they want to come live with you, and if you and your parents can afford it, build them an adjacent cottage next to your house. They got their own space and you will have yours. Even if it is just a one room cottage or a little kitchen if your mother will still cook. I know a friend who did this and she got what she wanted that she can just check how her parents are doing but they are on their own space 24/7. But then, it really depends on if you live in a house or an apartment. About their visa, am not sure what the policy in other countries, but suppose to be if your parents will want to live with you and they are on their old age, the immigration people will want proof that they can afford to live in the country without getting any government assistance or if you sponsor them, you can afford to pay for all their needs while they stay in the country. I know it seems to be a big task with this kind of situation but take a step at a time and don't let it overwhelm you. Everything has a solution, it depends on how you face them. Goodluck with everything.

I am feeling really bad for them. They might have not discussed their health issues because they didnt want you to get upset. Secondly if they dont share such things with you it doesn't mean they are authoritarian. In your mind, it can just be a generation gap. Listen the depression is itself is created by you and people around you. There is nothing greater than satisfaction in helping people and what a virtue you have that you have a chance to help you parents. I guess it is every child's duty to take care of their parents where they are old. Please don't miss this opportunity.

If your father has alzheimers then he is going to need nursing care so you might not be able to look after him in your own home anyway. I don't want to sound horrible but I doubt your father will live much longer as alzheimers does shorten their lives and he is already very old. Same with your mother, she can't be in very good health and I would think is going to need a lot of care, if not right now then quite soon. I wouldn't have thought they would be allowed in as they are of an age when they will need care and I would have thought that would debar them as the country would be footing the bill for this care. You could ring the authorities yourself to check on this which might stop you worrying. It is sad that you had problems with your parents but people from the older generation were brought up themselves in a very regimented way, plus it would have been much harder for you being on your own. Whatever you decide make sure that you have made peace with them or with yourself as when they have gone you don't want to then be eaten up with guilt if you think there is something you could have said to them while they were alive. It is natural to want to care for your parents as no matter what your relationship with them has been like they are your parents and you will still love them.

You are not alone. My parents are divorced and my stepmother takes good care of my father. However my mother is very dysfunctional and is what they call a "hoarder". She constantly buys things,.and won't throw anything away. Not even junk mail. We had to move her out of her house and into a retirement home. We donated 300 30-Gal trash bags full of clothes(most still with tags on them) and filled 3 of those giant trash containers that they use on construction sites. That was the first time. Shes done this continually in the retirement home she is in now also. They have threatened to kick her out there if she does it again. I like you,..cannot have her move into my house without going insane,..not to mention I am a single dad with three sons and only a small home.( which might collapse under the weight of her collections.

For your own peace of mind, you probably would feel better if they actually do come to Australia and you watch over them. HOWEVER, it is essential that you have them SEPARATE from you as far as living quarters go. You are an adult who has a right to your own life without anyone questioning your methods and ways. So, I would suggest looking into a form of assisted living arrangement (but not in YOUR home). You need your space, too!

Great question,hard answer. I think you should ask yourself the question what if my parents before you made a decision how would you cope mentally with the answer. So have a complicated problem. Think hard , take all factors into consideration when making your decision, and don't feel bad if you decide the undertaking will be too much.Maybe consider a assisted living facility that way they would be close to you and yet not always with you. Consider that some Alzheimers patients have to be place in a nursing facility to protect themselves , this again woud depend on the progression of his disease, also ask yourself if you can physically take care of them as well as mentally.Bottom line only you can make the decision as you have to be comfortable with it. What does your spouse feel, after all it affects him greatly as well. Let me know your decision and why if its not to invasive to your privacy.

My parents are not at that stage yet but I have also distanced myself for my parents due to depression from emotional bullying. My suggestion would be to have them nearby but NOT living with you. It will definately cause problems for you and your husband and in the end it is your life, do you really want to have to start from scratch after the progress you have made. An interesting book is called 'Toxic Parents' it's worth a read. You mention that you feel it is your 'duty' to look after them, this tells me that if you don't have them nearby you are going to feel guilt when they are gone. Please contact me if you want to chat. My prayers are with you.

I totally understand your dilemma. Perhaps there is a way to manage this without having to have daily contact with your parents. If they get moved nearer to you then you could arrange for a visiting nurse or some other service to check on them or provide care fot hem daily. Another option might be an assisted living home which is sort of like a nursing home but they would have a bit more autonomy. This way, they would know that you are nearby, you could keep tabs just enough to take care of real problems but maintain a healthy emotional distance. This way you would fulfill your obligation without placing yourself in harm's way. If I think of anything else I will let you know....but I understand your difficulty and you have every right toprotect yourself from an unhealthy situation.

You have a very sensitive issue here. You parents are elderly indeed in their mid-80s. The climate and temperates in Australia are very much different then from the UK if I'm not wrong. At their age, if they can get used to the change I think its good. I think maybe, you can invite them over again. This time for a longer period. Maybe a month or so. If things work out, they can stay. If not they can go back and you will visit. People, in general, in the later parts of live will want to spend more time with their loved ones. Regardless of the relationship between you and them, I'm sure they love you a lot. I would not like to advise you on anything. But it will be a heart breaker if you were not be their side, should something happen to them. Any issue that can be resolved is no issue at all. Think positive, think in a manner that will make both your parents and your present family happy. Love all and Love will come back.

You are right if you decide to be with your parents in theirtwilight years. I am an Indian and all my life I have seen this that there is nothing as deligtful as being with your parents even if they are not good with our generation it might be due to the kind of environment i live in but I think its O.K.

hey dear friend ,i'm an indian ,nice to know that ur childhood was not as u wanted still u have good feelings for ur parents,i sincerely appreciate it. as u do want to take care u should and before that communication should be frequent and stronger.so that both u and ur parents should be comfortable to say what is the real feeling,at present i feel both of u don't want to bother each other ,u and ur parents feel to not into interfere in lives,actually it need to be communicated and have faith and confidence in each other and please say to ur parents that u love them and want to be with them. i think this will make a difference.i sincerely feel they need u. bye dear friend i also felt u r basically warm hearted and true ,honest person this will take u long way,take care

i would recommend them to perhaps an assisted living home,if you wish them near that way your mom can still be somewhat independant,but with help. i agreed to help take care of my grandmother with alzheimers when my family moved her into our home. i ended up being so stressed i couldn't even turn my head or sleep,because she was still ambulatory and violent. my family had dropped it all in my lap. if there were other problems with them previously,i wouldn't move them in.

Just take care of them and think this. With out ur parents, u will not be born in this world. Cherish them while still can. They are the most valuable person in ur life and cannot be replaced by anyone or anything. Just try to make them happy and not forgetting to make ur own happy also.