What would it take for you to discontinue a friendship?

A very, very dear friend of mine got drunk one night and publicly suggested an incestuous relationship between my brother and myself. She and I didn't speak for a couple of months but then I called her and invited her to lunch. She apologized, I thought no more about it. She was my friend. She was jealous of my relationship with my brother and she was drunk. Besides, I loved her, we all make mistakes. About 6 months later, she accused me of being "untrustworthy" It was an unfair statement, an untrue statement but I didn't even try to defend myself. Once you say that about a person, what is there left to say? We haven't spoken since. I could have said "Oh, no, that is not what happened, here, let me explain" Perhaps if she had asked me for my understanding of events or approached me with a modicum of the respect that I felt I deserved, we could have worked things out. Yet, she started out by saying "You are untrustworthy. Blahblahblah" I didn't hear a word she said after that. Honor, loyalty and respect - no relationship means anything to me without those elements. She showed me none of them and accused me of having none, as well. 7 years of friendship gone. Sometimes I have wondered how she is faring in life but I have never been tempted to call. Mistakes and slights and hurt feelings are a part of interacting with human beings. I wouldn't dismiss a friend because she had hurt my feelings. But to cast dispersions on my character and principles - she left me nothing to work with. I'm glad that you and Linda worked things out, true friends are hard to come by.

Hi Winterose, I would like this opportunity to thank you for responding to all my discussions and commenting very construtively. Thank you again. To your discussion, since you mentioned that she demonstrate such behaviour to most people, I believe that she must be having some sort of personnal problems or some sort of phobia. However, you have taken the bull by the horn and have solved the issue. Cheers

Well, it's a good thing you set your friend straight, because her behaviour was quite ridiculous. Something did happen in two of my friendships acutally. The first was with my best friend since 6th grade. Everytime Bon Jovi came to town, we went together, it is our all time fave band. So when they came to Montreal around 2000, we wanted to go, but the tickets went on sale like 2 days after we found out they were coming, and i didn't have the money for it. So my best friend bought one for me, and i told her i'd give her the money when i got it. She said as long as it's before the concert. So i put money aside, and when i had it all, tried to get together for coffee with her and give her what i owed her, but she worked at the airport at the time, and always finished at 1 a.m. so we could not get together often. The monday before the concert (the concert was the following monday) she called and asked if i still wanted to go to the concert, and i said of course, don't you even think of giving this ticket to someone else, i have the money, it's just that we didn't have a chance to get together, but i'll give it to you at the concert. The friday before the concert, she paged me, but i had gone out and forgotten my pager at home. When i got back, which was a couple of hours after she'd paged me, i called her back and she said i was hard to reach and that someone else was going to the concert. I thought she meant someone else is coming with us. Then i realized she meant someone else, other than me, is going with the ticket she'd bought for me!!! I was sooooooooo furious, that my supposed to be best friend, didn't trust me for 70$!!!! I hung up on her, and we didn't speak for the next 2 yrs. Now, we're friends again, but i will never borrow money from her again! And i've told her how she made me feel, and i felt she didn't trust me, it wasn't even about the concert itself, it was about the trust issue. The other one, we'd been friends for over 5 years, then she moved in with her bf, she had 2 sons, she had her life...i also moved in with my bf, and had my life. I did call her once in a while and so did she, but mainly, i'm the one who called her. In fact, last time we spoke, i called her to wish her a happy bday in may of 2005. So when i sent out my wedding invitations in july of 2005, of course, i didn't hesitate to invite both her and her bf. She didn't reply to my invite, she didn't call me, and when a mutual friend of ours asked is she going to my wedding, she said why should i? she never calls, i don't even know what's happening with her. She's not a friend anymore, she's just an acquaintance. I find she disrespected both me and my husband by not even calling and telling us she couldn't make it. And 1 week after, she saw my step mother at her work, she didn't even bother to ask how the wedding went! Her, i am not talking to anymore.

For me I have discontinued friendships my reasoning was I had a few friends that liked to sleep with my first husband and after I divorced then I had a friend that was living with me not paying any rent or bills or anything shortly after I kicked her out a year later we made up I introduced her to a guy I was seeing the next day she slept with him. OF course I ended the relationship too. But everything else to me can be worked out but once that trust is broken I have a hard time going back.

I can take your situation but what really cut the bind between me and my friend is betrayal. A friend cant be a real friend is she/he betrays you. Friendship is all about sharing trust and once that trust is broken its finished

hi there mam carol! =) am i too young to response here?? heheh.. just kidding! I just noticed that people who post there response here are not in my age.. =P I wanted to share my experienced regarding this matter. 5 years ago, I have a friend, younger than me. I treat her as my younger sister, I checked her in school, share stories and joined her sing outside in our home. i thought we have had a good relationship as friends. This young lady was easily changed her attitude when I knew her mother said on my back that i am a "PLASTIC PERSON" and from there, my being closed to her daughter has been stopped. we never communicate and she snobbed me on the street. From that incident I realized that their family is not good influenced in our community. They are the one who spread gossip and make some for them to be at the top of every talking in our place. until now, the fued between us leave a scar in my heart. Deep inside i cant be humble to their unfavorable behavior to me.

Well I'm glad y'all worked that out. I guess the direct approach does work sometimes. lol I would say a friend that backstabbed or that I couldn't trust would have to go. I had a friend that often did that to people (including me) but we've kind of drifted apart.

Dont discontinue it just because she does'nt please you the way you wanted to be pleased. You considered her your friend, then be a friend. You have done your part of telling her of her shortcomings, if she does not change, then all you can do now is to accept her the way she is. Isn't that the way friends should be? You did not make her your friend with the reason of changing her. I am sure you made her your friend because of her other attributes. Just focus on that and eventually you will learn to ignore her shortcomings and love her most lovable traits and then you will realize that you just accepted her for what she is.

It is good of you to have taken the pains of rebuilding your friendship with this woman. She is very lucky to have you for a caring and loving friend. I can see that she used to have some attitudinal problems. She doesn't know how to behave when she sees someone she knows but doesn't have much time to spare more than a hello. I am like that and I have learned this much from you, too. Thank you very much for sharing this. You have somehow enriched my life also.

I guess that has never occured to me. I've had friends that have just grown apart, you see them less & less until you just don't know what has happened to them. Or, one moves away & you lose touch. I guess in Texas you're in your car most of the time between places so your best chance of actually bumping into a person is in a store or the mall. Downtown, one of the few places people actually walk around on the streets, if someone is on the other side, you have less than half a chance of recognizing them or of them seeing/recognizing you. A pretty narrow street in downtown Austin is 3 lanes + parking on both sides. On most of the narrower ones, you'd better be paying at least some attention to the sidewalk because they aren't the newest ones & can be kind of uneven. And I don't go downtown much anymore - I'm not into the clubbing scene so I don't go to 6th street & all my banks I can do business out closer to my house.

My first opinion is that your friend is indeed very strange. Might she be having some personality disorder issues? Otherwise, perhaps she was just in a bad mood - and thus didn't feel like talking on those occasions when she ignored you? If you treasure the friendship, I would suggest you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. You want to understand the *real* reason for her ignoring you. I really don't think it is a simple matter of "Well, I don't have time for you now".

If a freind is a consistent liar I usualy stop my association with them. If I see them, I will still say a quick hi, but they are not welcome in my home. Another reason I stop a friendship is when I find out I am being used by someone for gains other than my friendship. If I befriend someone and realize that we just don't like doing the same things, I will stop hanging with them.

BETRAY !!!! this is one thing i cannot forget. if u loose trust on someone u loose everything. so no point continuing with the friendship

each and evryone of us has it's own experience like that, trust, respect, are the only thing i am holding on a friendship,,

It would take a lot for me to discontinue a friendship as they would have had to hurt me pretty bad, which did happen with one of my ex friends. Me and him worked together at a couple of banks and built up a good friendship or at least I thought it was a good friendship. After a while I realized he was only trying to take advantage of me and he promised to fix my computer quickly and never did and never returned and disappeared off the face of the earth. I know also that he has cheated on his wife numerous times which also told me that he was not a friend.

The thing that I could not get past with a friend I had was when she stole my boyfriend. I just could not believe that she would do that to a friend. I can forgive almlost anything, but that was the ultimate in betrayals. I find that I am becoming even more mellow as I get older, but I do not think that will ever change.

Friendships are slow to make with me. Before I call anyone a friend, I tend to know them for a long time. And so, those types of relationships are hard to break. Once a friend, always a friend with me. Just it's not that easy to become my friend in the first place!

I'm slow to make friends and slow to give them up. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I guess I think more of circles of trust of something like that. SOmeone who intentionally hurts me would get bumped out a ring or two I think. Then if they were nice and didn't keep doing that I would let em closer again. Also being stupid might cause me to "distance" someone. Like if she is hurting herself and her family and won't stop and expects me to fix it, without even knowing details. When I can see how something is gonna explode, I tell her , or try to get her to figure it out so it sticks better. Then if she ignores the warnings, I figure I'm not gonna be sittin inte middle of the explosion. Better to have some distance and just observe then I figure. I still would listen and be a freind, just not one to absorb ALL the problems.

true friends are those who stands by in bad times. and close friend doesnt mean you should expect a lot from them. everyone has problem in life which they may not discuss even with close friends. this may be one of the reason for ignorance. your case is abit weird, she should have atleast waved her hand incase she is busy. she cannot ignore you everytime. wat i like abt you is the way you confronted, normally people discontinue the friendship without discussing. i guess you are a true friend.... :)

To me, true friendship means trust, sincerity and care. If there doesn't exist any trust, sincerity or care, I'm afraid it's the time to end the friendship.