Spoiled Dog, How can I stop this behavior?

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Ok, Im new to this MyLot but I have a problem that Id like your responses to and maybe someone can give me some pointer on how to help free my dog from his spoiled ways. First He will not drink out of a bowl..He stands up at the sink because he likes running water and he doesnt like to get his nose wet. Also he thinks he has to sleep with me when my fiancee is at work, I head for bed and he jumps in and starts clawing at the blanket to be able to get under the blanket, He is selfish with his toys, if you pick one up he will run over and take it from you even if he has a different one, he also sucks on his toys stuffed animals, he will put the stuffed animals face in his mouth and suck on its face..wouldnt have any problem getting a DNA sample from any of his toys cause of all the spit he leaves on them. He thinks when I am done with my dinner that he gets the plate..humm probably my fault. He is SO smart tho..he will bring you the remote, your keys, cigarettes, shoes anything you want, he can sit, lay, stand, walk, even twril like a little poodle FOR a COOKIE... and shake hands..He is to smart for his own good really he is. He ONLY wakes me up in the middle of the night to go outside, NEVER my fiancee.. He will stand up at the edge of the bed and slap me with his paw till I get up to let him out and let me tell you when its winter and you live on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex, its a big pain to walk a 65 pound PIT BULL down the steps in my PJs..BUT when my fiancee is at work and I let him sleep with me he will not wake up at all to go outside.. Do you think my dog needs a shrink..? Or maybe Me..? Just wondering.