Marriage and Children

I have absolutely no idea. Some people and lines of thinking are just completely beyond me. I've found that even people who don't plan on getting married or having children still seem to expect it from those who do get married; if you do one, you must do the other. Personally, I have no reason to get married, I know there is love in my relationship, I don't plan on changing my name, and I won't receive any sort of security from it. I'm more than happy to remain a girlfriend and 'partner'. ... I suppose I'm not really answering the question... I guess it's just drummed into so many peoples' brains that that's the order of events in life - the best that they can hope to achieve - marrying and starting a family (don't forget the mortgage). It's what their great-grandparents, grandparents and parents all did before them, so it must be the 'proper' thing to do. I'm all for choosing your life's path. If I don't want kids or a husband, I'm not going to have them, plain and simple. I don't owe it to anyone.

I would love to know, if you feel like getting married great but who says that means you want kids I sure don't.

Because by getting married, you are announcing to the whole world (or at least to your circle of family and friends) that you are starting a family, and people automatically equate "family" with "children". That's not necessarily true, of course, because the husband and wife IS already a family. Now about having children without the benefit of marriage, that's another story entirely. People still get surprised when they hear of a single girl having a baby, because since she is not married, so, as far as everyone is concerned, she does not seem to be starting a family. I think it's mainly just a question of perception :).

OOPS too late for me then.I have 2 kids and i still am not even close to getting married.I dont think people should have to hae kids if theyre married.Actually now days i think its more convenient not to unless yo really want a kid.

I have no idea why people assume that these days, things are so different to how they used to be. I have a baby girl & am not married, i'm not even sure if we will get married but things are good as they are & no-one has pestered us so i guess that's a plus!

i think they assumed because nowadays the first thing to happen is getting pregnant next is getting married. And in some culture they believe in long term relationship. they want to know if they are compatible! though honestly its such a crap!

One word, Tradition.They just assume that if you are getting married, you want to start a family because that's what it used to mean.But news flash, there are couples that can never have kids yet they are married. and like you said, there are couples that are together and have kids and they will never get married.It is all up to the couple, not the outsiders.

I really am not sure. But it puzzles me too. Still I see it happening over and over again. I always thought that after I got married even if I wanted to have children I would want to spend some time as a couple before I went on to the parent stage. ANd I did that. I had a very special time before I had kids. I had time and money to do things that I am not able to do now that I have kids.

It is essential that anybody has kids only after marriage. Whatever people say about single moms and everyone's freedom to have children even if they dont want to get married, it is a fact that the child without either of the parents do not grow up the normal way. So the idea of having children before marriage should be scrapped. It is children like these who grow up to become problems to the society. They will always have the feeling of not being normal like other kids. They will always lack the presence of one parent. You can see so many childrend born out of wedlock being left at orphanages. These kids are more likely to become criminals when they grow than those who live with both parents. So it is essential to be married before you have a kid.

I agree with you. Just as I already have kids but am not married, people wonder why and try to talk me into getting married, I have no clue why they are considered synonymous still, but I wish they werent

that's because it is what usually happens nowadays,that's why when you get married they would always think that you're pregnant, of course if you're not then you should be proud to tell them that, it's nice if you don't always follow the trend.

i don't think getting married meands going to have kids.you can get married frist,and then have kids after one year or two years or more that you like.my sister married and after two years,she and her husband decide have a baby.^^

Okay, here is what I think...and i read some of the posts, but sometimes there are just to many and so little time :-) I think that people assume that you are going to have kids after marriage, b/c that is like .... the law of life....know what I mean. Um, that is just how it flows.....you meet someone that catches your eye, you date, they sweep you off your feet, you fall in love, you get married, live your life a bit with each other, then it is time to have kids, start a family, raise your family, blah blah blah..then you die. ;-) Not that it has to go that way and you are wrong if you don't...but that is usually the flow of life....know what I'm saying?

Because silly society thinks that way.

I get the feeling that you feel that people who do get married and have kids, those kids turn out worse than those people who just live together/do not get married and have kids. That married couples are more likely to abuse kids than single parents. I hope that is not true. But let us get down to the subject. Ten years to feel that a couple living together can finally have the confidence to get married after they have had children? Now they have to go and change forms, their children already accept that living together without the benefit of matrimony is best and will not doubt maybe not get married even after a ten year waiting period? Some people are not good with infants, they are better with older children and if they are, they usually do not marry right away. They wait until they are at least in their thirties. So if you cannot stand babies or children but can get along with a girl of around twelve, wait to get married then and adopt or do fostering. Some people think that others are not ready for marriage, and they discourage them from getting married until it is too late for them to have children. Even though it might hurt a bit for someone to feel you are immature, why not cultivate these people as friends and then you will not have a problem. They will gang up on you and discourage you and make sure all the eligible young men keep their distance.

If people assume that if you are going to get married or if you are married you are going to have kids, perhaps those people believe that one of the reasons you get married is to answer the call to procreate. The Bible says,go ye and multiply. If for some reasons, married couples can't have kids,they can still be a part of the role by adopting children and raising them or helping them to be the kind of persons they want to be. Just an opinion.

I think its conditioning. We are conditioned to think - still - in this day and age that not only are we SUPPOSED to get married but we're SUPPOSED to have kids too. I'm all for being your own person. Not dressing, acting and grooming yourself based on how others think you should. I was, am a free spirit and traveled a lot and felt sure I would never get married or have a kid - because it would get in the way of my adventures. I like to set off for unknown lands with little more than a plane ticket and a job offer. I wondered how I could do this married. Yet I was asked in the only way I would say yes, spontaneously and not for a long drawn out deal. We were off to Vegas the next weekend to go through the drive thru of the Love Chapel. That was years ago. We have and will share many adventures - together. So again to draw this back to the specific question, I think its conditioning. We live in a dictarship of sorts of society and conditioning and when we don't adhere to this there is usually hell to pay. In the form of people constantly on our backs asking us, in all manner of ways why we don't conform to society's view of how things should be. That's how I see it at least. Great topic Gloom. I will definitely see what else you have!

lol.....well, I guess I have a different take on the reason. Different generations have different ideas. I know my mother freaked in the 60's when I lived with a man and wasn't married to him and didn't marry him. When I got married to some one else, my husband didn't want kids, and I did, then he wanted them, and I didn't, but all the generation older than us, thought I must have been pregnant to have gotten married. Must have been the longest pregnancy in history because the child wasn't born for 18 months after the ceremony. And that pregnancy wasn't intention and was back when we didn't know that birth control pills didn't work under certain conditions. We made the best of it and loved the child but not because it was expected of us. I've been pretty outspoken over the years and let many people know that the decision of children or not doesn't have anything to do with being married. It is the decision of the two people who get married or not. And in some cases, it is the woman's decision because the man vanished. I hate it when I hear families expect a newlyweds to have a child as soon as possible so they can have grand babies. I just think a lot of people are control freaks and want to determine the actions of some one other than themselves and should mind their own business.

Maybe cause back in the old days thats how it worked..i mean cmon they couldnt see past the ankle without getting perversed thoughts....kids before marriage was unthinkable.

I don't think they are synonymous because now, I have two kids but I don't plan to get married yet. Fist and foremost, children or having them should not be the main reason for marriage because it will only make you more pressured. MArrying should be done mainly because you want to live with that person together. HAving a child should be considered a bonus and a blessing but it is never a neccesity. If you are confident that you and your partner doesn't need a child to strengthen your relationship, then so be it.