I'm between a rock and a hard place, what do I say, what do I do?
By recycledgoth
@recycledgoth (9894)
March 20, 2007 7:05am CST
I had a phone call last night from my best friend's wife. She is one of those people who sails through life without a care in the world, expecting things to fall into her lap, not having to work for anything, spending money without thought for the future. She told me she had just bought a horse for £8,000, a new car for £5,000 AND that she was expecting another child (but he doesn't know yet) and she was going to buy all new things for the new baby.
I had a phone call from my best friend this morning. He is my oldest and dearest friend, we tell each other everything and there are no secrets between us. He said he had been under a lot of stress and pressure lately, working extra hours to pay the bills. He admitted that his business had been very slow for a while and that he wasn't happy with his situation at home. He said he was worried that his wife was spending far too much and doing nothing around the house, leaving all the childcare, houework, cooking etc., to him.
Now I have a big problem.
She is keeping secrets from him, not telling him about the amount of money she is spending and the fact that she is pregnant again.
He is trying to work even harder to keep his business going and is worrying himself sick about his home situation. He asked me what I thought, as we have always been honest with each other.
What do I say to him? How can I tell him that his wife is spending all his money and is expecting another child? How can I tell him she is spending all her time with the horse and neglecting the house and her other child.
I'm between a rock and a hard place here, we've been friends for 20 years and always open with each other. How on earth do I deal with this situation?
7 people like this
33 responses
@xParanoiax (6987)
• United States
21 Mar 07
In your place I'd encourage the wife to tell her husband all these things..to have a real conversation about it..because otherwise they could have a whole lot of trouble alot later and alot worse if they don't talk about it soon.
If she just chattered to you about this and didn't ask you to keep it a secret, I'd tell him what she's doing..because it's important..and besides you're not her friend..you're his. Besides, her hating you possibly doesn't really make a difference if they're in a deeo hole or he works himself into health problems from all that worrying. Even if she asks you not to tell him, *shakes my head* I'd STILL tell him.
It's the only thing I think..I mean if you DON'T..what will he think? He'll think you kept secrets from him..after being honest with eachother and he can't have that after finding out about his wife's secrets..it'd be like a double slap in the face. It's better for him to know now than later while he can still work this problem out..since if things are like this there obviously IS a problem.
I wish you luck, dearie. I hope your friend, his wife, and their children will get through everything swiftly and easily :)
2 people like this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
21 Mar 07
I am definitely going to have words with her today, along the lines of "come clean and tell him the truth" and I plan to point out to her that I feel she has put me into a bad position and she needs to sort herself out. I am meeting up with my best friend at the weekend, and I guess I will have to do some damage limitation and diplomacy.
@santuccie (3384)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I just got done reading your post, and I like it better than my own. :)
Definitely, it would be best to try encouraging the wife to come clean first. If she does not, you'll have to be the responsible one.
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
20 Mar 07
This is so very strange!
Pardon me for asking this question - why is his wife confiding in you instead? I sure hope you are not some third party! :P
Why don't you suggest the wife open up to the husband? Does she even love him? I can't imagine that she really loves him if she puts so much pressure on him willingly.
2 people like this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
LOL I am only involved as he is my best friend and she is his wife and she chatters to me. She seems oblivious to the consequences of her actions, and will happily carry on regardless.
I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and have a chat with her about her behaviour
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
20 Mar 07
You are right my friend. Brace for the shock and BITE the BULLET. :P
1 person likes this
@Kylalynn (1771)
• South Africa
20 Mar 07
This one is a difficult one with a capital 'D'. If you tell your friend what is going on, it could be the end of your friendship, even though he fed up with the situation! But why on earth does she phone you with all her secrets! She knows you and her husband are best friends! It sounds like she is trying to prove something to herself. Maybe talk to her and ask her to stop confiding in you as it is tearing you in two!! You have to decide. Best of luck!
1 person likes this
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
21 Mar 07
I have to agree. I think I would be irritated if not mad at the wife for putting you involved in this sort of drama and secrets. She knows you are best friends with him so how can she expect you to keep uch things from your long time friend? That is just mean and cruel. She must know that it makes you uncomfortable.
1 person likes this
@platypusoperations (61)
• Australia
21 Mar 07
I think the wife may be telling you these "secrets" because she can't bring herself to tell her husband but would really like to. She's taking a big risk that you will tell him.
Are they both just venting their frustrations at you?
@gbolly54 (661)
• Nigeria
20 Mar 07
Let me start by expressing my confusion about two or three points: 1.Is your friend living abroad such that he is not aware how the wife is spending his money(I think a horse or a car is not too small not to be noticed)? 2. Why would you be the first person to be informed by his wife that she was expecting a baby again? Notwithstanding your answers to those questions, I think the wife appears too reckless and you seem too close to your friend not to let him wake up and review his wife's activities and inactivities. What are friends for afterall?
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
The horse is in a stables 10 miles from their house and the car is currently parked in a lock-up garage. She has access to his number 2 account, it will be noticed soon enough.
She phones me to tell me all sorts of things, some of which I have said she should be talking to him about, not to me, and some things she phones to tell me can be very embarassing too.
I think I will have to wait a few more days before speaking to either of them, maybe she will come clean and tell him, maybe he will confront her over her spending habits, either way I can only be here for my best friend
@Schnorrawaggle (688)
• Austria
21 Mar 07
I'm wondering why she is telling you all this, why isn't she calling HER best friend??? ... he is your best friend and yet she is telling you things he is not supposed to know. First it's not fair of her, really she's a lousy friend for putting you in that position. Maybe she wants to get caught and wants you to be the one to tell your best friend because.
She clearly is not a good friend or she wouldn't ask you to keep such big secrets. I would tell her to tell her husband and to stop confiding such things to you.
Second, not sure what to do about the best friend... on one side I'd say stay out of their relationship, on the other hand, he needs to know. Tough call. I say go with your gut. I think you know what you need to do...
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
20 Mar 07
That is a hard situation to be in honey! I would suggest you speak to his wife, if you can, and explain to her that you cannot keep what you know to yourself, that you are not comfortable about lying(by omission) to her husband and that if she doesn't tell him the truth then you will have to! If that didn't work I would try to get your friend to sit down and have a good old honest discussion with his wife - if they do not start communicating then things are going to go so spectacularly wrong and I don't think any of them want this! The most important thing is to try to be diplomatic with them both cos If it all goes wrong you could end up getting the blame! Good Luck Honey - let us know how things go!
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
Thanks hun, I know I have to be very diplomatic with them both and, to be honest, I don't really get on all that well with his wife as I knew she was something of a gold digger. Either way, I am not looking forward to the coming conversations.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
Thank you for your opinion, it is a real problem for me as I don't want to be the one to hurt him
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
21 Mar 07
You could pose it to him in another fashion, rather than just putting it out there. I mean in one sense I would say to kee out of it.... but they BOTH made you a part of it.
Maybe you could just tell him that his wife has some things she needs to tell him and that he should ask her what is going on. Just tell him that you don't feel it should come from you but you wanted to be sure he knew there was something he needed to know.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
21 Mar 07
I am phoning her today and telling her she has to be honest with him. I really hope this works
@Alexandria37 (5717)
• Ireland
20 Mar 07
Oh, I would hate to be in that situation. I find it hard to believe that the wife could keep a secret like a new horse and car from her husband. I know I couldn't. I would just blurt it out. Maybe they haven't got such a good relationship and since it is the husband who is your good friend I would be inclined to tell him. That is, if you can't convince the wife that she should tell him herself. Let's know how it goes and the best of luck to you.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
21 Mar 07
I've decided to phone her today and tell her that she needs to sort herself out and talk to him. When we meet up at the weekend, hopefully, she will have said something and I won't need to. Fingers crossed this will work out ok.
@jessescottus (807)
• United States
20 Mar 07
I wouldnt get involved, but if I had a need to, I would talk to her first and then talk to him.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
To be honest I would much rather not be involved but her telephone call followed by the conversation I had with him has involved me. I think I may have to make a phone call later and try to talk to her on a sensible level, although I somehow doubt she will take any notice of me
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
21 Mar 07
I honestly think you need to back away from this as best you can. It's not up to you to tell your friend what his wife is doing, and honestly, if she's expecting again then she can't hide it for long before the bump starts showing anyway.
However, when and if she calls again, you might be wise to tell her that you don't want to know the details of their personal life. It's putting you in a position you don't want to be in, and as hard as this might be, you cannot tell him what she's been doing.
It's not your place and ultimately, I don't think your friend would thank you for it.
1 person likes this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
20 Mar 07
I know you don't want to be the one to hurt your friend of 20 years hun, and I hate to say it but it's got to be done. As you said you guys have been friends for 20 years, I think that even if the truth does hurt, in the end he will respect you more for being honest and truthful with him. For me personally I always find news a little easier to bare with if it comes from someone I have known a long time as opposed to someone I barely know. At this rate it doesn't look like his wife is going to tell him, so I really think you should. Just my opinion anyhow!
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
I think in the long run you may be right hun. I will h ave to speak to her first, just to see if she will listen to sense and stop the spending. I doubt she will listen, and in all honesty, it's unlikely she is going to change her ways overnight. I guess I will probably see if I can arrange a meet with him at the pub soon, and have that chat. Thanks for your advice hun
@seamonkey (1976)
• Ireland
20 Mar 07
What a crap situation for you and him to be in. It sounds like she isn't going to listen to much of what you have to say. I think if it were a friend I'd had that long, I would feel compelled to warn him. It seems like he might have some big decisions t make in his immediate future and he needs all the facts.
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
Thanks hun, I will talk to her and see if she will listen. Apart from that, there is little else I can do except brace myself for the inevitable.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
20 Mar 07
This seems to have an easy anwer to me- Tell Him!! He needs to know that she is spending evey dime that they have and that she is too busy with a horse to do anything else. I hate women who think that they don't have to contribute anything to a relationship. That makes all of us look bad and we aren't. I help my husband with every thing and life in a marriage should be an open honest relationship with both parties working towards the same goal,. If he has his own business, maybe he should make her start doing some of the work while he does housework.
She doesn't appreciate him or she would be helping out!!
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
20 Mar 07
I had a text message not five minutes ago, saing we haven't got together for a drink and a natter for ages, so he has suggested meeting up at the weekend. I guess that's when things wil be said
@platypusoperations (61)
• Australia
21 Mar 07
I think your best friend's marriage is in a lot of trouble. I wonder how his wife is feeling? I suspect she feels neglected. She might feel that all her husband ever does is work and nag her about money, but he is never around, never has a nice word to say about her anymore. He doesn't even know how to have fun, he's too busy working.
The reason I think this way is that she is leaving him to look after all the things around the house, including the children, even though she wants to buy new clothes for the new baby. When the house is left in a mess, I suspect someone is actually quite unhappy.
Then your best friend, he is very tired and worried because he is feeling that the only thing he feels valued for is the money he brings in. He works & works, but his wife never offers to help. Does your best friend ever ask for help with the house, or his business? Maybe asking his wife for help would help solve the problem. Although I suspect that they are so used to hearing the same patterns from each other that they need to hear these things in different words from someone else. Maybe you could suggest to her to help her husband out in the business a little, so he could have some free time to spend some romantic time with her.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
21 Mar 07
I am about to call his wife, and suggest she try to actually talk to him rather than continue the way she is. I will also tell her that she has put me into a really bad situation and I am not happy.
I am meeting up with my best friend at the weekend, he is coming over for a drink and to catch up on old times.
Either way I intend to be as diplomatic and as sensible as I can and, hopefully, it might get them both communicating.
My best friend knows I will always be there for him, that's all I can do.
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I have had this situation before, the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut, your friend has eyes and will have to be shown what his wife is doing not take it from someone else. Just be there for your friend to vent to you and be supportive to him but controlling his life and telling him what to do is not how to correct his financial problems. The best we can do for our friends is being a friend back to them.
1 person likes this
@TAURUSGIRL (735)
•
21 Mar 07
you say you have always been honest with him then thats the way to go but before you do i think you should speak to his wife and tell her how you feel, give her the opportunity to tell him herself first let her know that your there for her too and if she needs support you can give it to her.The main outcome of this is for them both to see the problems and try and put them right. Your a good friend and I would do just that, you dont say how long you have known her or whether you get along as well with her as you do your friend, at the end of the day material things are worthless if you dont have the funds to enjoy them tc good luck
1 person likes this
@crimsonrose (147)
• Bangladesh
21 Mar 07
Do the right thing on right time untill it turns too late.
I wont think you like to see your dearest friend in ruined condition. So do let him know with the trics of words so that he can realize the exact situation and cud tackle his wife without hurting her.But it is better to jump from the sinking ship than to wait when the rescue team will arrive.
@mobyfriend (1017)
• Netherlands
21 Mar 07
Difficult situation. If you friend knows that his wife also calls you maybe you could say something like: Hey .... called and she told me that you own a horse. I love horses. Can I come over some time to see it some time? Then he would know that his wife has bought a horse and you told him the truth without being the messenger that brings bad news. A gentle hint without judging his wife could set him on the right track of what is happening.
But I hope everything works out for your friend.
1 person likes this
@sagittary (4)
• China
21 Mar 07
First, is there something called LOVE between your friend and his wife? I see no love from your friends wife to him.I mean, to solve this problem, they have to find the feel. The feel of love. Like when they just met each other.The power of love can solve all the problem!
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