when do you say that a marriage is worth fighting for or worth ending?

Philippines
March 20, 2007 10:36pm CST
I am married to a woman thirteen years my senior for almost seven years now. I married an older woman because I thought then that I am way too mature for people of my age and marrying somebody older would even things up. I was wrong. It turned out I married a very immature, irresponsible, unreasonable and uncompromising woman. I realized this even before we got married and particularly during the preparations of our wedding. She's soo irresponsible that I ended up organizing our wedding and not her as the bride. As a product of a broken family I really wanted the marriage to work and was willing to try anything. I thought then that my being a competitive person, maybe I was "competing" with her instead of "working" with her about the wedding. I thought that if I slow down a bit at the pace she's more comfortable with, I would let her take part in the marriage and things would turn out better. As a very competitive person, I am an achiever. My "adjustments" to her pace and lifestyle resulted in us getting into debts, my career going nowhere and practically our lives have no direction. Moreover, things like her accidental spending of our money for rent, for payment of our bills, budget for our food, unexplained borrowing from friends and siblings keep cropping up throughout the marriage. I also can't get any cooperation from her in improving our finances and well basically making our lives better like planning our business (which I have to do alone), taking care of our business, exploring new business ventures, promoting our business, etc. I also found out that the family-oriented values that I thought she has turned out to be not real after all. For, while I was willing to accept her family, she was not with mine. Family gatherings from my side would always take a back seat with family gatherings from her side. Visitors from her family should be treated with great hospitality while she was not willing to extend the same hospitality to my family. We've been fighting about these issues over and over again. I've been complaing about these and she'd promise to improve on these issues only to realize later that she'd done it again. The fights have been getting frequent and has escalated to more vicious fights. I am not a horrible person. However, I am no longer happy with the marriage for more than two years and I cannot see any improvement. I am worried that this development would force me to do horrible things and I don't want that to happen. She still does her usual role of taking care of the household chores but the things I complained about continue to exist. I am a very busy man handling multiple jobs at the same time and all I ask from her is that she help me. She's a housewife and she won't even do it. The last time we talked I unloaded everything to her and she did not offer any reassuring words nor did I see any noticeable changes in her. I am not happy and I do not want to grow old lonely. She continues with the marriage for reasons I can only speculate. I want to continue my life now without her - alone if I must but she's not keeping me informed of her plans. I don't know what to do. The truth is I am starting to hate her. Please help.
2 responses
nowment
@nowment (1757)
• United States
21 Mar 07
It is really hard for anyone who is not there or living it to comment, but it sounds like marriage counselling was needed long ago. Sometimes we argue with the people we love or are involved with instead of really discussing things. Sometimes the things we think we are discussing are more accusations, and demands rather than talking things out. I am not saying this has happened to you but when emotions are strong, and you are feeling tired and worn down, then you need to becareful of this. I know how it can be I have to make sure that I ask, rather than complain, or accuse or demand. For example when asked WHY does she treat your family the way she does, what did she say? Start from a place that is not an accusation, or blame, even though you feel it is very unfair of her to treat your family as she does, there may be something behind her actions that you are not aware of, this can be for many of the issues you and she have. It can also be that she was looking for someone mature and stable to "take care" of her, and she found that person in you. While some men like to have that much control over their lives and wives, I think most men do want a partner in marriage. Then other thing you need to do is look at things for yourself, what is happening to you, physically, emotionally, and mentally, but also who are you becoming? Sometimes in a relationship when things don't go as we expected and we start to get more and more unhappy, we become someone we didn't want to be, someone we don't want to be, and if this is the case you need to figure that out, and decide what you can do about it. It may mean walk away, it may mean work it out. Have you reached your breaking point? Or do you still on some level love her? or did you marry her because you wanted a marriage, and a stable one, and thought due to the age differences she would be the one to provide that? If so you married her thinking she was someone she was not, even knowing what you knew about planning the wedding on some level you saw her as who you wanted her to be rather than who she really was. If that last is the case then how much real love was there to begin with? If that is what happened then you married her for all the wrong reasons, and it is not fair of you to expect her to change into someone else, because you thought she was someone else, but at the same time, it is also not fair that you be expected to live a life you don't want for yourself. So it is hard choice to face, with no quick fix, counselling could help. But it is important that you take a look at yourself and what you want, why you really married her, were you really in love with who she really is or did you want to be in love with the person you thought she was or wanted her to be? These questions are vital to knowing what you should do for you own sake. What you next steps should be. Good luck.
niceguyjoey
@niceguyjoey (6)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
Thank you very much for your advice. I have red it over and over again and I still plan to do so. I am in the process of getting advices from people and reflecting. As a product of a broken home I really wanted to keep a family, be an ideal family man as much as possible. As to marrying her for the wrong reasons, I must say I am starting to admit that now. As to expecting too much from her, well I don't know yet. What I feel is that marriage is something responsible, mature people do. As the vow goes, "for better or for worse" and I just don't feel her during those worse times. What I feel is that while there are things that people should accept about their partners in the name of love, being irresponsible and immature is definitely not part of it. What I feel is that being irresponsible and immature ruins relationship and it should be changed. I am now in the process of gathering as many points of view as possible and I will take them all in making my final decision. I've been praying a lot and I consider you people as God's voices. Thank you and please do pray for me
repzkoopz
@repzkoopz (1895)
• Philippines
21 Mar 07
well... just based on your words and how you tell it, it seems that you already made up your mind and just waiting for someone to confirm. honestly, i feel you should give it up too. i know someone who ended up in a mental ward because of that. and i know a woman who is far more worse than your wife! c",) but on the other hand, let me ask you.. do you really believe you've done your part? are you certain you won't regret giving it up? do you have any idea why she's acting that way? i just came to realize that there might be something in the way that needs to be cleared. you may just need to find it.