The Self-Esteem Elephant
By rainbow
@rainbow (6761)
March 22, 2007 6:38am CST
For the last 30 years, therapists, counselors, authors, TV hosts and motivational experts have convinced us our emotional and physical health (especially weight loss), our relationships and our overall success in life are all dependant on one thing high self-esteem.
We seek to increase our self-esteem and be more like these self-appointed saints, but their pet elephant has left a nasty mess on the living room floor of our minds and needs to be outside anyway, not in the house.
Here is an incredibly honest quote from James Hollis, from his book Creating a Life.
“What we call self-esteem is a relative matter. We are supposed to have high self-esteem, and if we do not we feel inadequate. Most of us look at others and admire not only their accomplishments, but also their presumed higher position on the self-esteem ladder. Personally, I do not have high self-esteem, and I do not know a single person who does.”
How do you feel about your self-esteem, does it worry you, do you feel other people have more than you?
Are you like me and never think about it until someone mentions yours?
Is it just an excuse for failure to say of someone, "well it's her self-esteem - its so low right now"?
5 people like this
14 responses
@lvap0628 (731)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
How high should a high self-esteem be? Some people may think they have high self-esteem but then they start comparing themselves to others and their self-esteem goes down and even get depressed. Personally, I'm comfortable where I am right now with my self-esteem. I have my ups and downs but I don't shoot for the moon and wish I were in somebody else's shoes.
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
This is the point I'm trying to make, does it matter? We are all different but so many problems seem to be treated by the underlying thing of well your self esteem is low just now.
Proffessionals seem to use it as an excuse for fairure and try to treat our self esteme rather than the problem, crazy, it just gives us something else to worry about, lol.
@mantra1623 (27)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
Very true. I think i tend to fail whenever i feel so low myself, but it doesn't mean that we should depend on it. Though a lot of people already have accepted how relatively impt. self-esteem to indidvidual and team performance, we should also try to consider our own strengths regardless of how we feel at a certain situation. Self-esteem counts, but it doesn't mean it's the one who helps us a100%. We're the only ones making what is ahead of us and we're also the ones who will face it once we get there.... with or without self-esteem.
@Willowlady (10658)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I have never been able to figure out why some people are hale and hearty and others seem to be afraid of their shadow.
Personally, I have claimed to be full of myself, however, in accordance with this I must have high self esteem. I have lately told a couple of people of that I am worth more than they pay me. Definitely true here for most of us. It can be a bad thing when people find you arrogant due to your comfort in all you know and can do. So in that way it can bite you on the rear.
Would much rather that everyone would be humbly full of themselves. We could have a better world that way.
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
22 Mar 07
It just seems such a shame that all the professionals seem to say if you were a more confident person your life would be better, you'd be slim, happy, loved, successful, etc. If nothing else helps its low self esteem - change your personality.
What a shame that everyone is different. I'm quite happy doing things my way as I'm sure others are with their choices too.
I'm glad you feel brave enough to admit your worth to the people who pay you, there is nothing wrong with this at all, well done.
1 person likes this
@minnie_98214 (10557)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I had self esteem issues most of my life. The funny thing is it took me having two kids before i felt good about myself and even stepped out of my shell and started modeling. I know feel great about myself and wish i could get back my previous years. I feel people need to stop comparing themselves to others and just love themselves.
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
22 Mar 07
minnie you are so right, ok I admit I am nowhere near perfect as I'm sure we all can, but if you are happy then does it matter?
I'm so glad you are happier than ever and having your kids gave you confidence, I think it helps all mums as we have to fight for our little ones and then "me-time" becomes more important too.
What a shame that so many problems are excuse by self esteme and we are told to change who we are in order to dealt with what is making us unhappy.
1 person likes this
@hopeful28 (1439)
• Singapore
22 Mar 07
I guess I always have a problem with self-esteem. It probably is due to the fact that I have an older brother who is so much cleverer and successful than I am and a sister who no matter how and what always remain slim and have people doting on her. It's been a struggle for me to keep reminding myself that at least I don't owe anyone anything unless it's my parents who brought me up and gave me an education. Still, as I look at my peers, friends who have grown up with me, they are all doing well and have families, sometimes I do wonder what I have achieved mu whole life in comparison. However, I try not to do that unless someone says something about it. I am now financially independent, I have my own apartment (although I have not paid up completely for it), I am not a nuisance to other people and I am basically a good person, lol. I should be proud of myself because I am sure that out there there must me more people who are more down and out. Hugs, rainbow.
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
22 Mar 07
My darling, read the list of accomplishments you just wrote! You are a wonderful person and as we do not often list our achievements when we do it makes us realise how well we have done, and you are indeed doing well!
What a shame you feel your brother and sister are different than you in some ways, they would have to be very special people indeed, material and physical things aside, it is who lives inside that counts! we are all made equally after all!
Big hugs honey - remember to throw the elephant out!
1 person likes this
@villageanne (8553)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Society had been lying to us for so long that people are beliveing it. We are all different and as such we are going to have different sizes and weights.
Self Esteem is important but it has nothing to do with our weight or height or even our looks. It has to do with how we feel about ourself being just as we are.
2 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
22 Mar 07
This is how I feel, I am just me, if I were to ask for help with a problem area so many people seem to blames self esteme, I have known some very quiet gentle people who are just as successful as the loud confident ones and yet proffessionals seem to need to put you into a box and tell you to climb out of there as if your self esteem improves the rest ofyour life will follow, lol.
1 person likes this
@sherinek (3320)
• United States
23 Mar 07
I think high about myself but no one knows (LOL) What James Hollis says is true. In that case i think everything is relative and subjective. Some things make us feel high some things make us feel low. But if we overcome these feelings, then we will win. I think we have to look at us using the middle path. I mean, while i think very high about myself, i must also know that i tend to make mistakes just like the next person. I normally dont think about these things just like you, unless somebody (like you) point it out. So i think we share same ideas here. Take care.
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
Well done,you make more sense of it than I do, I think it's just a couple of words used almost as an excuse, lol.
Everyone has good and bad times, we just have to get through them as best we can, we feel better when problems go away but how can we make problems fo away by feeling better?
1 person likes this
@sherinek (3320)
• United States
26 Mar 07
One and only answer - TIME. With time any wound would heel. Thats one of the greatest gifts we received from God our Father. The pain is there only for a little time, until we go through that particular problem. When we pass, its passed. I mean, when i face a problem, i always think about the day that this problem is solved. I think of that day and where i can think about this problem with much ease. I have already told you about my son who had to undergo heart surgery. At that time also i thought of the day that the operation would end up good and my son would be alright. I dont say its easy, but it always makes you relaxed and more focused. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
23 Mar 07
firstly, i must thank you for this nice thread.
now as for the doscussion, i feel, 'self-esteem isn't like a cool pair of sneakers that you'd love to have but don't have to have.' i feel, good, or should i say, HEALTHY self-esteem is important because it helps you to hold your head high and feel proud of yourself and what you can do. It gives you the courage to try new things and the power to believe in yourself.
having good self-esteem is also the ticket to making good choices about your mind and body. If you think you're important, you'll be less likely to follow the crowd if your friends are doing something dumb or dangerous.
i guess, i have a more or less balanced or healthy self esteem. i never get carried away with an excess of it or suffer from low, demoralising self esteem. however, if this SELF ESTEEM is something more fundamental than the normal "ups and downs" associated with situational changes then i must confess that i do go thru temporary fluctuations of lows and highs. and sooner or later i am back to normalcy.
thank you.
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
Well done, it's hard to understand isn;t it, we feel bad, wefeel good, we usually like ourselves enough to care and experience happiness/sadness.
I think we all go through highs and lows which temporrily affect our self worth but usually we sort the problem and get back to being comfortable with ourselves.
I'm not sure that fixing self esteme fixes problems but maybe fixing problems fixes self esteme.
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
23 Mar 07
if i may come in again, rainbow, thanx for the thought rendering quote from james hollis. if i may add to your thread, here are some facts about how to increase your self esteem.
· Give yourself three compliments every day. Don't just say, "I'm so great." Be specific about something good about yourself, like, "I was a good friend to Jill today" or "I did better on that test than I thought I would." While you're at it, before you go to bed every night, list three things in your day that really made you happy.
· Remember that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or color it is. If you are worried about your weight or size, you can check with your doctor to make sure that things are OK. Remind yourself of things about your body that are cool, like, "My legs are strong and I can skate really well."
· Remember that there are things about yourself you can't change. You should accept and love these things - such as skin color and shoe size - because they are part of you.
· When you hear negative comments in your head, tell yourself to stop. When you do this, you take the power away from the voice inside that discourages you.
RF: kidshealth
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
Thats super advice, maybe thats why I don't understand, I'm just me you see, no fancy bits, lol.
I often feel good about little things, taking my dog for her walk, the kitchen being clean and tidy etc. I never analyise if I can help it, just push on in what I hope is a good way.
If we feel good we can deal with things if we get upset it is harder, but we feel good once a problem is solved.
I suppose you are right and if we all thought more practically then all the proffessional counsillors would not be able to push this non-corporeal thing as us as a means of sorting all our problems, lol.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
24 Mar 07
‘ my response has been chosen the best among so many other worthy write-ups!’
now, you just put me on a high – a positive lift to my self-esteem. Thanx dear.
1 person likes this
@payingforschool (678)
• Canada
23 Mar 07
I don't think self-esteem can be used as a reason for someone to be doing poorly ... it is a symptom, not a cause. I do think that we often have fluctuation self esteem/self image ... and it can effect how we interact with others ... but it's not the cause. Our self esteem is just one aspect of who we are, not our identity.
Don't know if that made any sense, but I tried...
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
I know what you are trying to say, I'm trying to make sense of it too, lol.
Sometimes we feel good, sometimes bad but that cannot be the reason why we have other problems and trying to be someone else will not solve our problems, only facing the problem and dealing with it can we do that, and we will feel better when we have done it, problems make everyone sad so why do people pin everyting on self esteme as a baseline. It just gives us someting else we have to aim for when we are already low.
@Tetchie (2932)
• Australia
23 Mar 07
Sounds like it is relative. What do we compare ourselves to? I have accomplished lots and people envy me, as they compare their lives to mine. Yet in my mind I envy others who I think have accomplished more. So silly from one angle. Yet inside me is a voice that says "it's not good enough" which I'm attempting to throw over a cliff as it accompanies a depression demon. I suppose low self esteem accompanies depression also. So is low self esteem the cause of all illness, weight issues? I don't know. I have a friend who has good self esteem, has a great job, loves going to work, good family, yet she is overweight. Why? My guess is that there is something not "flowing" in life but is this because of low self-esteem?
I'm about to start looking at what I have accomplished and what I am grateful for in my life and perhaps that will turn things around for me.
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
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23 Mar 07
Wow Tetchie, that was good, I think its sort of what I'm trying to say.
Problems make us feel low and depressed, then a helpfull person points out our low self esteem and says if we value outself more we can deal with the problem, but until we deal with the problem we cannot fel better so low self esteem seems to be an excuse for things not working.
I think mine is ok not that I can find it, but some days things make me sad, some people have done better than me, some have done worse but they are not me and comparing ourselfes to others isn't good for us anyway.
@rainbow (6761)
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23 Mar 07
Tetchie you really are very clever, I will put something off until my brain's had the chance to line up the right thing to do or say.
Humans are clever, complicated and unfortunately superstitious a lot of the time and this stops us doing things just incase we are told we cannot or mustn't do them.
My dad tells me I can't do something until I can't, eg driving in buzy places but now I can, Shrek helps me get the right lane etc, one day I'll do it alone if I need to. So yes what I could do if I put my mind to it could be scary, lol.
A good phrase of my dads is "you can only dig it from where it's at" and there's a lot of truth in that.
@Tetchie (2932)
• Australia
23 Mar 07
Problems are solvable but that voice says they are too overwhelming, so we either face them or give up. Some one with low self-esteem often doesn't face the problem. I was told once that depression is the result of our belief that we cannot do what we innately know we can do. So this means we antagonize and defeat ourselves with our own thoughts, or silly beliefs. Our will is squashed. Imagine what we would be like if we actually achieved what we wanted. That reminds me of that speech of Nelson Mandala who said that our biggest fear is our own power. We are more scared of our success!
Aren't we humans silly!!
1 person likes this
@manmaxman (850)
• India
23 Mar 07
it is a very diffecult Q. from u i also don't know about that i also don't have a self-esteem
@rainbow (6761)
•
23 Mar 07
It is strange to think taht the underlying reason for so many problems is something so subjective, how can changing your personality help with problems like diet and relationship. I really tink it's time jargon like this was left alone, it seems to give us an extra thing to worry about.
@Savvynlady (3684)
• United States
23 Mar 07
I'm still evolving with self esteem. I have lived a good life; I dont'mind going the distance and I believe you have highs and lows with this.
1 person likes this
